Commander Sillicia Frontenachii stood in the command center of Corpse Seeker Alpha, staring at the holographic map of Cascade with escalating frustration. Red markers dotted the terrain like a pestilence, each one representing a reported crystalloid detection that had turned out to be… nothing.

  "Explain," she demanded.

  Scrutimancer-Beta Alini shifted uncomfortably, her wolf ears drooping. "Commander, the signatures are genuine. Standard scans confirm crystalloid presence with ninety-five percent confidence. But when we investigate..."

  "You find humans," Sillicia finished coldly. "Perfectly ordinary humans who somehow smell like fucking vampires."

  "Yes, Commander." Alini's tail tucked between her legs. "We've detained and deep-scanned forty-three individuals and their luggage and cars. All human. No actual crystalloid physiology. No crystalloid organs. No artifacts. Nothing to harvest. Yet the ambient signature is there…"

  “Where’s the signature, exactly?”

  “In microscopic… particles,” Alini let out. “Everywhere. Rapidly spreading across Cascade.”

  Sillicia gritted her teeth. “Can it be stopped?”

  “We’re trying, my Lady,” Alini said. In her thoughts, the Wendigo felt zero confidence about the success of such.

  Sillicia read the report from Arch-Datamancer Kawathra in its entirety, eye twitching.

  It truly didn’t bode well. Kawathra predicted that the new vampire mold strain would spread across the entire planet, giving everyone endless work.

  Sillicia groaned and called Datamancer Paqq to get a second opinion on the issue.

  "Datamancer," Sillicia looked at the holographic magpie staring at her many charts. "Analysis?"

  "The data is... odd," Paqq admitted.

  “Odd how?”

  "If I didn't know better, I'd say someone deliberately contaminated the area with crystalloid residue. But that would require access to processed vampire material and the deep knowledge to amplify its Astral signature. Neither of which the locals should possess."

  "Could it be the work of surviving vampires?"

  "It is possible… If we missed someone really clever and old. The thing is…” Paqq paused, talons hovering over a particularly dense cluster of markers.

  “The thing?”

  "Unless... no, it's too improbable."

  "Out with it!" Sillicia barked.

  "The crystalloids follow the exact same behavioral pattern on every world wherever they are found. They are predictable, easy to harvest. This… this is basically a massive parametric deviation. It is possible that… someone extracted vampire material before or right after the strike and deliberately... distributed this manufactured strain as a countermeasure against our detection capabilities." The magpie gulped as Sillicia glared at her. "Which would imply exact knowledge of our operations and tools."

  Sillicia growled. "You're suggesting we have a leak or a loose prad?"

  "I'm suggesting we have a potential problem that transcends simple vampire hunting," Paqq offered, cowering under the Wendigo glare. "Someone knew exactly how our scanners and Scrut noses work and... exploited that knowledge. This is… catastrophic."

  Before Sillicia could respond with a plethora of swears, her V-ring vibrated with an incoming transmission. She glanced at the identifier tag and froze.

  The caller ID read: [Princess Aquillianne Quantivia Frontenachii].

  For a moment, Sillicia simply stared. The Princess was... calling her? HER? Out of all the other Wendigo Commanders?

  "Commander?" Alini ventured. "Are you—"

  "Silence!" Sillicia barked and accepted the call with trembling claws.

  The holographic projection materialized in the air and Sillicia's breath caught.

  There stood Princess Aquillianne, her distinctive star-marked cheeks and antlers glittering with myriads of diamonds. A diamondust dress framed her curvy body. A human man stood beside the Empress, wearing a gold mask, red cape and a black hexasuit.

  Commander Sillicia could barely breathe, her claws digging into the armrest of her command chair. The hologram of Princess Aquillianne dominated the view, looking pristine and extra regal.

  "Commander Sillicia Frontenachii," the Princess' voice rang out, clear and authoritative. "How delightful to speak with you."

  Sillicia's throat went dry. "My Lady, I—the honor is—"

  "Spare me the formalities," Aquillianne waved a clawed hand dismissively. "We have much to discuss and little time for groveling. Allow me to introduce my consort and planetary kobold Administrator, the Emperor of Earth."

  The masked figure beside her inclined his head slightly. The gold, pyramid-textured skull mask reflected the holographic light in an unsettling way, and his voice when he spoke was deep and digitally modulated as before. "Commander. A pleasure."

  "Emperor," Sillicia managed. “Yes. We’ve talked before…”

  The Emperor finally convinced the Princess to call her?! Sillicia squeed internally.

  Finally, some good news! If she manages to convince the Princess to return to her duty, then Sillicia and her entire Division would drown in praise and benefits, and her ranking would shoot through the roof and… Wait no that wouldn't work because... fuck...

  Sillicia refocused on the hologram, struggling to look calm.

  Three figures loomed in the background behind the Princess and Emperor, each one more bizarre than the last.

  On the left stood a masked, lanky human man in red and black tight fitting costume decorated with web-like patterns. In the center, an armored human figure in green and silver, face hidden behind an imposing metal mask. On the right, a hunched human woman wrapped in tattered robes, wooden staff in hand, face sunken and wrinkly and—were those bones in her hair?

  "Allow me to present," Princess Aquillianne gestured, "my personal retinue, the Leaders of Earth’s hidden communities under my rule. On my left, the heroic Arachnids Man, champion of justice and defender of the innocent. The representative of the Avengers Heroes Alliance from New York!”

  The red figure gave a jaunty wave. "Hey there, Commander! Your friendly neighborhood arachnid dude here!"

  Sillicia blinked, her mind sliding sideways.

  Arachnids Man was real after all? And he was working for the Princess?! What?! What the fuck?!

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  "In the center," the Princess continued with a cheeky grin, "Professor Doomsday, master of arcane technology and supreme intellect, the ruler of Laternia!"

  The armored figure crossed its arms. "Greetings, inferior being. Know that you stand in the presence of DOOM!" The voice was pompous, theatrical. “I am the Leader of the League of Doom, serving only my dark Lady, Empress Aquillianne!”

  "And finally, the ancient Archmage, Baba Yaga, keeper of mysteries and devourer of the foolish."

  The hunched woman cackled. "Yesssss, little Wendigo. I see your future. You will eat many pierogi and find love in unexpected places!"

  Sillicia struggled to process what she was seeing.

  "Your Highness," Sillicia began, "these are—"

  "My loyal servants," Aquillianne interrupted smoothly. "Representatives of Earth's three great magical traditions. The Heroes, who defend the weak and obey human laws. The Villains, who reshape reality through will and intellect, respecting no laws except for my orders. And the Mages, who wield arcane powers and are blood-bound to me."

  "With excessive power comes excessive responsibility!" Arachnids-Man chimed in.

  "DOOM requires no lessons in responsibility!" Professor Doomsday declared.

  "Quiet, metal fool," Baba Yaga hissed. "The stars whisper of your arrogance."

  Sillicia's ears flattened against her skull.

  Idiots, they were all idiots! How could ten thousand Scruts fail at their jobs so catastrophically? How did she fuck up her work so bad, how did she fail to find actual mages, heroes and villains hiding on this planet?!

  "I can see you're confused, Commander," the Princess said playfully. "You thought this world was magically barren, didn't you? That's my fault.”

  "Your fault? How?!" Sillicia asked.

  "I have been managing Earth's magical community for quite some time," Aquillianne explained. "Keeping them hidden, maintaining the veil of ignorance around the mundane population. It's all very delicate work."

  The Emperor nodded. "The masquerade had to be preserved for balance. The Third Fleet’s arrival... complicated matters."

  Sillicia blinked, feeling like her grasp on reality was slipping rapidly. "Your Highness, Admiral Evelithria believes—"

  "My dear Aunt Evely has no idea about the true nature of things on this planet," the Princess said with a cheeky smile. "She thinks I'm a poor, hapless fool. A lost little princess who needs rescuing." She leaned forward, silver eyes glinting. "But I'm exactly where I want to be, Commander. This is my world. My domain. My vast hoard!"

  "Your hoard? Truly?" Sillicia felt faint.

  "A hoard of eight billion humans," Aquillianne said proudly, with utter conviction. "Each one a unique consciousness, full of stories and dreams and potential to bend reality! And you know what the best part is? They reproduce so quickly! They create! New souls, new narratives, endless variation! No other hoard in the Frontenachii Dominion can compare. And the cherry atop the cake, a hoard of a thousand hidden magical communes at my disposal, crafted by me, guided and cultivated over millennia!”

  "The Princess has been most wise in assisting us over many generations," Professor Doomsday added. "In exchange for our loyalty and services."

  "I get to fight crime and make quips!" Arachnids-Man nodded. "It's great!"

  "And I get to eat the occasional lost traveler," Baba Yaga cackled. "When they wander too deep into the Taiga. Ke ke ke."

  Sillicia's thoughts collided with each other like two warships in orbit.

  Generations?! Millennia??! WHAT?! HOW?! The Princess was only twenty two! She couldn't have managed this—unless… Time travel?! The Princess has a FUNCTIONAL gate that can open across both space and time?! One not haunted by the Steel Archangel of Time, Zero?! Not even the Frontenachii Empress could boast of bending time backwards! Messing with time that way usually meant instant death, conceptual erasure!

  "Now then," Aquillianne said, looking perfectly alive and somehow not erased for her time crimes, "to the reason for my call. Commander Sillicia, I would like to formally invite you to spend an evening with me and my lovely kobolds. Perhaps share a meal?"

  "A... meal?" Sillicia repeated breathlessly.

  "A nice date, if you will," the Princess said, her smile widening. "The Emperor speaks very highly of your professionalism."

  "The Emperor speaks of me?" Sillicia felt her face flush under her black fur.

  "Oh yes," the masked figure confirmed. "You're quite the catch, Commander."

  "I—thank you, Your Majesty—" Sillicia swooned internally, freaking out.

  Nobody ever called her a catch! She wasn't royalty, grew up in a damned time bubble, getting smacked around by her prad instructors, clawed her way to the top!

  "So what do you say?" Princess Aquillianne tilted her head, antlers glittering with gems.

  “Yes. YES!” Sillicia yelped far too loudly then snapped her jaw shut. “I mean… I’d love to! Absolutely.”

  "Tonight at seven? I'll have the Emperor arrange something… special. It’ll help get your mind off the stress of finding vampire residue everywhere."

  "You know about—"

  "I know about many things, Commander," the Princess said smoothly. "Including the fact that you're currently dealing with approximately two hundred eighty nine false positives across Cascade alone. Terrible inconvenience, that. We will talk about it. Among other… fun things."

  Fun things. They were going to do fun things!

  Sillicia could feel Alini and the other Beta-Scruts staring at her. The entire command center had gone silent.

  "Your Highness," Sillicia repeated unnecessarily, "I am deeply honored to accept your invitation."

  "Excellent!" Aquillianne clapped her hands together. "The Emperor will send you coordinates. Dress... casually. We're not barbarians here." She paused, then added with a wink, "Well, most of us aren't. And one more thing—don’t tell the fleet command about our date. I don’t want my pesky Aunt ruining our fun. Don’t worry, I’ll meet her tomorrow, as we agreed.”

  “I… I won’t tell anyone anything,” Sillicia let out. “P-promise!”

  “Good girl,” Aquillianne smiled. “See you at seven.”

  The transmission winked out.

  Sillicia stood in stunned silence, staring at the empty space where the Princess had been. Around her, the command center erupted in whispered conversations.

  "Did that just—"

  "Abyss! That was Baba Yaga! From Siberia! This Earth actually has magic—"

  "The Princess is really dating the Emperor and—"

  "That trio, they were real! I can’t believe it! They are actually ALL REAL! Slayer!"

  Datamancer Paqq's hologram flickered beside Sillicia's chair. "Commander, analysis of the transmission shows—"

  "Not now," Sillicia said.

  "But Commander, the implications—"

  "NOT. NOW." Sillicia snarled. "I need to... I need to prepare!"

  "Prepare?" Alini asked nervously.

  Sillicia turned to face her subordinate. "For my date, you infernal morons! I have a date with Princess Aquillianne Quantivia Frontenachii!"

  “Commander…” Datamancer Paqq opened her mouth.

  “You will keep your bird yap shut about this!” Sillicia barked. “All of you! This call didn’t happen. Is that understood?!”

  Paqq nodded rapidly. Alini and the other Scruts in the Seeker Alpha bowed, trembling as Sillicia raked the minds of the prads with her hooks, making sure they weren’t going to fuck her over.

  “If I hear ONE peep about it, if anyone else finds out about this, I will personally murder all of you and then put you on my wall for a century,” Sillicia threatened. “I’m handling the Emperor and the Princess… personally tonight.”

  Acknowledging the responses of her terrified kobolds, she offered them a curt nod and walked out of the command center toward her private quarters, her mind spinning mad circles.

  Princess Aquilianne was actually ruling this entire Earth as her personal hoard! With her human Emperor and secret magical servants and—

  Sillicia's V-ring chimed:

  Coordinates: 47.79807336675127, -124.25236078148005. 7 PM Pacific Time. Take a personal glider, then send it back to Seeker 881-Alpha. The Princess requests you come alone. I’ll be monitoring the area, my Lady desires this to be a good time without any bothersome interference from her family.

  — The Emperor of Earth

  Sillicia stared at the message, burning the coordinates into her memory with a hook. Then, against every regulation and protocol, she deleted it from her official logs.

  Whatever was happening on Earth, whatever game the Princess was playing, Sillicia found herself desperately yearning to learn more, allowing the mental walls of ice to collapse around her now that she was alone.

  This was her chance, she felt it in her fractal engine heart.

  This was her chance to be someone of value, to shine like a diamond, to ascend beyond her current station like a brilliant comet igniting across space!

  The Princess trusted her with so much! This was real!

  This was an opportunity of a lifetime! The Princess wasn't a rude knobfold like the other Third fleet Commanders, she grew up in Omnithornia, a place of legends, homeworld where Omnids were civilized, sweet, trusting and cooperative! Where people were kind and caring, not constantly cruel and mean! In the fleet, Commanders constantly crawled over each other like angry crabs, backstabbing left and right for higher rank.

  Tonight. Tonight! Tonight, she might finally make an Omnid Wendigo friend, finally figure out what was happening on this damned, absurd planet and maybe perhaps find… much, much more.

  Maybe if this worked out, if she proved herself to the Princess, showed how caring she was, she could maybe become her… Hearth Keeper!

  Sillicia spun across her room giddily and then fell backwards into her bed, squeeing loudly into her pillow.