I once again admired the three fantastic, custom gun bodies fabricated by Kawathra. They looked human-ish, with a pitch of surreal, otherworldly quality, hopefully enough to bamboozle the Wendigo High Command into thinking that wizards were real.

  Arachnids Man cracked jokes at Professor Doomsday. Baba Yaga hunched with her wooden staff. Her wrinkled face was perhaps the most unsettling. It looked too detailed, too lived-in for someone that had been born today.

  “Great job Kawthy,” I commented. “You’re pretty talented when it comes to fabrication. A real artist!”

  “Why thank you, Ash,” Kawathra bowed. “I didn’t know I had it in me!”

  "Shades," I turned to Shady, who was lounging on the crystalline couch with Nexxali draped across her and my lap. "Why exactly did you invite Sillicia to a date instead of just a casual hangout?"

  Shady shrugged, tail swishing lazily. "Wanted to make it sound more fun! If Sillicia actually likes me—or even thinks she does—then maybe I can shake some nice things out of her."

  "Nice things like?"

  "Like some of her vampire thrall cubes," she grinned. "Or other useful resources. Who knows? A Commander who thinks you're interested in her romantically is way more... generous than one who just sees you as another crabby superior officer."

  "Did not expect this much manipulation outta you this soon,” I commented.

  “Das’ how I roll,” Shady shrugged, kneading Nexxali with her claws.

  "It’s a good strategy," Nexxali purred as Shady scratched behind her ears. "Good Omnid politics. Every interaction is a potential resource exchange!"

  I pursed my lips thinking about potential problems and logistics. "Speaking of used up resources—Nexy, you mentioned us slaughtering forty vampire thralls to the Legate and we kinda spent our vamps on sprays and gun mods. Kawthy, how are we handling that?"

  The magpie looked up from her holo-charts. "Already solved that! I spread them as fake data entries—'crystalloid materials used to improve various Corpse Seeker internals.' As long as other Datamancers don't physically check Seeker Kappa or Zeta, it shouldn't raise any eyebrows."

  "And if they do inspect?"

  "They won't," Kawathra said confidently. "Not unless we give them a reason to inspect these two units in person. Datamancers are prone to sitting around and looking at data. I’m only down here because I found a juicy consort I wanted to claim. Standard protocol is: whatever Division uncovers vampires gets to use the harvested materials for self-improvement. The fleet command usually takes a percentage cut in O-bux if a Division uses crystalloid strata for their equipment upgrades, but the actual resource management and inspection process gets done by a single local Datamancer. Which is me.”

  “Kawathra is a Slayer-sent helper,” Nexxali agreed. “We'd be much less capable without her.”

  “A quality clever birb,” Shady agreed.

  The magpie smiled and puffed up, clearly loving the praise.

  I turned my attention back to Shady. "Aight, bigger picture question. What happens when you actually claim Earth publicly to the Admiral? What are the potential repercussions?"

  "Depends on how I frame it and who believes what,” she replied.

  "Walk me through the scenarios," I said.

  "Best case," she began, holding up one dark, clawed finger, "the Fleet Command accepts my claim, Aunt Evely backs off, and Earth becomes my recognized domain under Frontenachii colonial law. I get autonomy to manage it however I want with a Baroness and many assigned or chosen Governesses and Secretaries below me. The Sixth Fleet which handles administrative setup, citadel building, terraforming work and refugee relocation will come in and begin the integration of this Earth into the Frontenachii Empire."

  "And worst case?"

  "Worst case, the Admiral and Legates refuse to back down or the Empress herself gets involved," Shady's silver eyes dimmed slightly. "They decide I'm too young, too inexperienced to manage an entire planet, or too much of a liability. The Admiral strips my claim, assigns Earth to someone more 'reliable,' and I'll probably get dragged back to the Corpse-God Citadel for 'reeducation.'"

  "Reeducation?"

  "Magical conditioning," Nexxali supplied grimly. "Personality adjustment. Basically they'd break her mind with their Wendigo hooks and rebuild her to be more... Proper Frontenachii Princess."

  "Yeah, that's not happening," I said firmly.

  "No, it's not," Shady agreed. "I'm not leaving my cute kitty, or Ashy, or this planet to be resource-managed by some absolute cunt.”

  “Kawthy, what's the most likely outcome?” I asked the Datamancer.

  Kawathra bobbed her head. "From a data perspective, this Earth is rapidly becoming a net negative for resource extraction. The false positive rate on vampire scans alone is going to cause massive drain and personnel dependency. Unfortunately, from what I read, the Admiral is already super set on Pleasure World plans and the Legates are in agreement. They will not back down just because the Princess has a prior domain claim… Not unless you crush them with your incredible psychic powers, Emperor.”

  “I don't want to reveal my psychic powers to Fleet Command,” I shrugged. “I wish to understand them and beat them slowly with human cleverness, acting as a mere mundane. Their defeat will be so much sweeter if I make them bow to me without resorting to omnipotence.”

  “You are a truly noble being, my Emperor,” Kawathra nodded, offering me a bow. “I am quite glad that you, the Marshal and our Princess care for each other so much. Without such I'd fear for what you would do to the Frontenachii and their pradavarian kobolds. Thank you for offering us a chance to show you that we are not all human-splicing monsters. Thank you for letting me claim a local consort. Thank you for not exterminating us all.”

  Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.

  Yep. Kawthy was extra-set on thinking of me as the all-mighty Emperor of Earth.

  Shady chortled. “Ashy is too sweet to exterminate us.” She drew me into her embrace, smooshing me all over and making cooing noises as if I was a particularly adorable puppy.

  “Hey gals,” I arrived at another question when Shady released me from her grabby paws, “what do you all eat when you're not raiding a planet with pubs and shops?"

  Kawathra's eyes lit up. "Oh! Would you like a demonstration?"

  "Sure." I agreed, thinking that she was going to 3D print a rare steak or something.

  The magpie hopped over to one of Kappa's crystalline walls and tapped a sequence. A section of the wall rippled and opened, revealing a hexagonal, glowing orange vent connected to a black-hexagon bone organ that glowed with mind-melting colors deep within the Corpse Seeker's structure.

  "This vent directly connects to the main dragonheart reactor core," Kawathra explained. "The venting system... well, you'll see them in a few seconds."

  She manipulated the interface again, and I heard a strange chittering sound from within the vent.

  "What is that?" I asked, feeling somewhat alarmed as Shady and Nexy's ears rotated towards the sound, eyes igniting.

  "UwUs!" Kawathra announced cheerfully.

  "I'm sorry, what?" I asked.

  "UwUs! Capital U, little w, capital U. Modded organisms that live in the reactor core. They feed on residual magrad dragonheart emissions. Perfectly safe, very nutritious, and—"

  The vent rumbled and colorful creatures began spilling out of it like fruit cornucopia.

  They were... bizarre. Spherical bodies about the size of softballs, covered in iridescent fuzz that shifted between pink, violet and blue. Each one had three, spider-like spindly legs, and two large, squinty eyes and cat-like nose that gave them a cute appearance. They made a sound like "uwu uwu uwu" as they skittered across the floor.

  "What the shit!" I lifted my feet up as the creatures scattered in all directions.

  The reaction from the girls was instantaneous and… primal.

  Shady's eyes went wide, silver, glowing pupils dilating. "Yums!"

  Nexxali's tail stood upright. Her body tensed like a coiled spring, then she leapt off us like a wild cat, serval instincts taking over completely.

  Shady launched herself off the couch, landing on all fours as she pounced on a cluster of UwUs. Her massive jaws snapped shut around three of them at once, and I heard a satisfying crunch as she chewed enthusiastically, spraying violet-rainbow juices across her face and the floor.

  Nexxali began rolling about, batting at UwUs with her claws, playing with them briefly before killing them with hard bites to their spherical bodies. Her purr rumbled through the entire Seeker.

  Kawathra's head tilted sharply, tracking the movement of the creatures, tail and head feathers fluttering out like crowns. The magpie abandoned all pretense of professionalism and dignity and hopped after the nearest UwU talons extended, spearing it and lifting it to her beak to devour it mercilessly.

  I stared at the primal-feast in front of me with a wide open mouth. My girlfriends, and our Datamancer demolished the UwU population with the kind of dramatic intensity that befitted angry lions at a gladiatorial combat colosseum.

  The three gun-persons also curiously watched the brawl.

  "Uh," Arachnids Man voiced. "Should we... help?"

  "DOOM does not engage in such undignified behavior," Professor Doomsday declared.

  Baba Yaga cackled. "Let them enjoy the glory of the hunt! Is natural, da? Predator and prey dance, the eternal circle of life!"

  "Kawthy," I called out as a few more UwUs fell out of the vent. "How many of these damn things do you usually release?

  "About fifty!" she chirped between kills, hopping across the Seeker interior with fluttering feathers. "Standard meal portion for three personnel!"

  Shady looked up from her feast, face covered in glowing, shimmering ichor. "Ashyyyy! Try one! They're delicious!"

  "I'm... I'm good, thanks."

  Nexxali pounced on a particularly fast UwU that had tried to escape up the wall. "Your loss! They taste like crystallized stars, happiness and victory!"

  "That doesn’t sound like a real flavor." I commented.

  "Nu-huh! It totally is!" she declared, chomping down hard.

  Within five minutes, the UwU population had been almost entirely culled. The girls sat in a rough circle, licking ichor from their claws and looking extremely satisfied.

  "That's fleet food, huh," I commented. "Cute… reactor parasites?"

  "Yep!" Kawathra looked pleased with herself. "Very sustainable. They reproduce rapidly in the heart-core, feed on waste energy, and provide excellent nutrition. Plus, the hunting is good enrichment."

  "You look... very enriched," I agreed, staring at their rainbow blood-splattered bodies.

  "We're predators, Ashy." Shady licked her claws and then Nexxali's face. "We need to hunt. Otherwise we get antsy and start chewing on furniture or each other."

  "Yep,” Nexxali added, licking Shady. "Prads get… irate without the daily hunt.”

  Baba Yaga speared a stray UwU with her cane. "Perhaps one, for tasting. To understand the prey of my dark Lady Empress."

  “Gross, dude,” Arachnids Man let out.

  "Little creature," the gun-witch murmured, examining it. "You have three legs for three fates. Past, present, future. All ending in stomach, da?"

  She bit down. The UwU made one final sad "uwu" before being consumed.

  "Mm. Tastes of deep sorrow," Baba Yaga declared. "Is good."

  I eyed Kawathra.

  “The gun bodies are partially organic and can eat things, as you requested,” the bird clarified.

  Shady moved over to where I sat, nuzzling against my side. Then, her eyes locked onto a particularly plump UwU that survived the initial massacre, skittering from under the organic-crystal couch.

  "Ashy needs to try!" Shady declared, pouncing on it.

  "I really don't—"

  She snatched the creature mid-scuttle, holding it up triumphantly. The UwU continued its soft chirping, looking unconcerned about its imminent fate.

  "Shady, I'm not eating a—"

  Shady swiftly extended a single claw and bisected the UwU lengthwise. The creature didn't even struggle, splitting cleanly in half with a wet squelch. Violet-tinted, ringed flesh glistened inside the iridescent shell like the innards of a spider cut in half.

  I felt my stomach turn. "Nope. Absolutely not."

  "Can't eat it raw, hum?" Shady mused, as if that was my primary concern.

  "He is a delicate human. Set it on fire for him for a bit!” Nexxali suggested with a giggle.

  Shady carried the sliced creature over to the thermal vent hole. The orange glow from a panel intensified as she held the UwU segment over it. The violet flesh began to sizzle and brown, releasing a smell that was... Kind of like grilled meat.

  "There!" Shady presented the cooked UwU half to me with pride, snipping off and crunching on the charred legs. "Proper human food preparation! Warmed it up for ya! Praise my cooking skills!”

  "Uhhhhh...." I stared at the charred half-sphere. The violet color darkened to something closer to well-done beef.