Somehow, my singular goal of finding a katana has left me with a longsword, massive debt, and probationary admission to not only the world’s largest guild, but also a global orgy franchise.
I don’t quite know how to reckon with that.
So instead, I head out.
For the first time, I pass through the Town of All Beginnings’ actual entrance. So that’s what’s at the end of the fence… You’d think there’d be a road or something.
Moving through the arches, I step from packed cobblestone, directly onto lush grass infested with flowers the way my mom’s old apartment was with weeds.
The instant that foot accepts my full weight, I get three notifications.
[ NEW MAIN QUEST: TOURNAMENT OF ASCENSION — SUCCESS: EARN YOUR RIGHT TO ASCEND — XP: 2,097,152 — REWARD 1: RIGHTS OF ASCENSION — REWARD 2: 1 RANDOM UNIQUE ITEM OF CHOSEN TYPE — DIFFICULTY: NIGHTMARE ]
[ NEW ULTIMATE QUEST: BECOME A HERO KING — SUCCESS: CONQUER HEAVEN — XP: MAX — REWARD 1: 1 DIVINE ITEM — REWARD 2: 1 DIVINE INVITE — REWARD 3: 1 DIVINE THRONE — REWARD 4: 1 DIVINE BED — DIFFICULTY: DREAM ]
[ NEW HIDDEN QUEST: UNITE THEM — SUCCESS: COMPLETE THIS QUEST TO SEE ITS DESCRIPTION AND REWARD — XP: 64 — DIFFICULTY: EASY ]
Not exactly actionable, are they? And the System’s a little slow on the uptake with these… Or maybe Quest stuff just can’t happen in towns?
Putting aside the extraneous revelation, I dismiss the unneeded System nonsense crowding my vision, only to re-crowd it with different system nonsense.
Expanding my minimap, I zoom out to see my new goal in the middle of, as far as I can tell, nowhere. But apparently, that’s precisely where I can find the only dungeon in a thousand miles that can maybe, sometimes, rarely drop a katana.
And, of course, that particular loot comes only from the boss. Meaning I have to fight my way through the whole thing just for a single chance. MEANING, I’ll have to clear it, and then keep clearing it again, and again, and who-knows-how-many-more times again. Not to get the best katana. Not even to get a particularly good one. Just to get any katana at all.
And, of course, it’s an estimated ten-hour walk on foot.
Which is, of course, the only way to get there. Fuck, I’m grouchy… Probably all the socializing.
Well, at least I have a chance to try this.
[ COMMON TOGGLE ON: RADIAL AWARENESS ]
I was wondering what this would feel like.
But nothing seems to change.
Actually, on closer inspection, I’m distinctly aware of a flower just behind and to the left of my right shoe. And all the little blades of grass surrounding it. And the dirt underneath. Not to mention rocks. There’s a worm down there. Huh…
Shrugging, I start my run and almost instantly lose track of time. Wow… I guess shoving all my points into Speed and Stamina paid off. I’m sprinting faster than ever, yesterday’s running leap included.
And I’m still nowhere near out of breath. I swear I used to get more exhausted just laying in bed.
And thanks to Radial Awareness, my body practically auto-dodges every obstacle in my way as I run full-tilt. I mean I’ve always had great reflexes, so I figured a bit of forewarning would help my little tripping issue from before. But as it turns out, this one Skill alone practically turns my natural ability to kick James’ ass at fighting games into a fucking superpower.
Mentally sprinting right past that thought, I grasp for the closest other one. Like how with the added reflexes from my Speed STAT, I might even be able to beat Thomas at… NOPE.
God fucking damn it, I can’t… “I JUST CAN’T OKAY??? LET ME… Let me just…”
Relatability aside, I just sort of ‘know’ everything about anything within about half a foot of my body. It doesn’t even matter how fast I’m moving. Or if I close my eyes. I don’t even have to think about it.
In fact, the few moments when I do are the only times I fuck up and trip all over myself. Also rocks and stuff. But when I’m not getting in my own way by consciously overthinking any given step?
The time it takes me to close the distance with anything I can possibly trip over is more than enough to subconsciously adjust my overall positioning to compensate. Same goes for stones, trees, their roots… Everything. I feel like I’m phasing through it all like a ghost.
Even putting all my Aptitude points into Stamina, my MP still recovers faster than the Skill can drain it. And speaking of Stamina, those very points apparently made the difference in my SP recovering faster than all the sprinting in the world can deplete.
It doesn’t matter how fast I go. Or for how long. I don’t so much as get winded. If anything, I feel LESS winded the longer I run. I can even sing while I do it.
And that doesn’t run me out of breath, either. “Can you PAAAINT-”
I take a running leap off a rocky outcrop. “With all the COLORS of-”
I land in the middle of a small flowery woodland grove, arms in the air like I just landed the final jump of a gymnastics routine. “THUUUHHH-WIIINNND!!!”
Holy fuck, I just realized… I’m smiling. For real this time. No opportunism or catharsis or self-satisfaction or any of that. Just pure, unadulterated joy.
My mouth is stretched wide and everything. For most people, that probably isn’t saying much. But for me? Practically unheard of.
I just stand there for as long as it takes my smile to disappear on its own. I refuse to end this early.
As my involuntary face distortion fades more and more into voluntarity, I finally lower my arms, thankful, for so, so many reasons, that no one was around to see that.
Moment well and truly over, I get going again, content that I got as much out of that as I could. I feel good about that. Seems like a healthy way to be. Even if I do still have the ‘overthinking it’ part to work on…
Nearly two hours after leaving town, my alleged ten-hour run ends.
Expanding my minimap just to be sure, I verify that this is, in fact, the right place.
And that in front of me is, in fact, ‘some kind of ruins’. It matches the shitty description from the Quest Hall perfectly.
Well I’ll be damned… I know I was going fast, but… Five times speed?
Actually, yeah. I could buy that. Just because it was easy and fun doesn’t mean it wasn’t efficient. I saw how fast I was going. To be honest, I’m just kinda disappointed I’m here already. I could keep running. Not like I have anywhere to be…
But no, it’s already well past Katana Time. Not to diminish what I’m pretty sure is the first time I’ve beaten the walking ETA for anything. Feels like a weird thing to be proud of.
But… I am. I’m proud of myself. About athletics. Wow… It’s true. Sometimes, you really don’t know how much you need something until you get it.
I bask in that for about as long as I stood in that clearing back there.
Then I take a deep breath of fresh air. “Whelp…”
[ PRIMARY WEAPON EQUIPPED: STEEL LONGSWORD — DAMAGE: 11 PHY ]
With a light tug on my left hip, the sheathed longsword just kind of appears there. It feels… Wrong. Just wrong enough to be off-putting. I’m really not a fan of this sword-based uncanny valley thing I’ve got going on here. Gotta get me a katana already… First things first, though.
I square my shoulders, facing a boulder just outside the ruins’ shimmery purple entrance. Now how do you activate-WOAH!!!
[ COMMON ACTION: IAI QUICKDRAW ]
Unsheathing my sword faster than I thought possible, I accidentally fling it in the general direction its hilt was facing.
I wince as the sword leaves my hand, flies through the air, and ineffectively clatters off the side of a tree.
The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.
[ SP: 304/320 ]
For a minute, I just look at it lying on the ground over there. Worse than the singing by far…
With each passing second, I’m increasingly overcome with existential embarrassment to be in my own skin. Even after my SP recovers and the world resets to a point where it might as well never have happened. I think I’ll just go ahead and pretend it didn’t. But I guess at least that’s proof-positive that practicing was a good idea…
After debating myself on how to avoid doing so, I nonetheless walk-of-shame over to my fallen sword and gingerly pick it up.
Resheathing, I walk-of-only-slightly-less-shame back to the rock.
Bracing myself, I try again.
And again.
But every time I try to slice into the rock, it bounces off.
Not so much as a shard comes off the rock. Not even a chip.
What kind of shit-ass magic sword did I just blow all my money on? But it definitely does have a damage rating… So it’s not like the sword can be truly ineffectual. System windows don’t lie. I think.
At least I’m not throwing the thing around anymore. And I’ve been standing here ineffectually practicing for… How long?
Belatedly, I notice that it’s dark now.
With an upwards glance, I flinch in surprise to find the moon hanging overhead in the night sky just where the sun was last time I checked. When did that happen?
Suddenly more wary of stagnating at the start than fucking it up, I turn from my practice rock to the purple barrier separating dungeon from woods.
Nodding to myself, completely unprepared, ready as I’ll ever be, I charge into the unknown, bellowing a war cry to mask the fact that if it were up to me, I’d never actually do it. “GYAAAH!!!” Except, having never bellowed anything like a war cry, it comes out as incoherent shrieking.
Moving through the transparent purple barrier feels like transposing through a massive, impossibly thick soap bubble.
But instead of popping like it clearly should, it just kind of wraps itself around me, closing back together once I’m through. A curious effect.
I ignore it in favor of screaming while swinging my sword back and forth with my eyes closed.
Ineffectually, as it turns out, seeing as how the only thing waiting for me on the other side is the same empty moss-covered courtyard I pictured upon reading ‘some kind of ruins’. No monsters. No traps. No threats of any kind.
The whole place is… Empty? Well then…
Feeling rather silly now, I stop screaming and put my sword away.
Around the room, each otherwise uninterrupted courtyard wall contains a single archway. Other than the one behind me, they each lead into a different downward-curving hallway. I’d have to get closer to see more than a few scant meters down each path.
So, picking one at random, I make for the tunnel right across from me.
As I approach it, I hear some faint skittering noises from somewhere in the distance.
“Fuck.” I run.
They get louder.
“Fuck!” I sprint.
The pattern continues.
“-FUCKFUCKFUCK!!!” Scrambling for the archway, I happily obey a primal instinct to get away from the skittering.
Only now, it’s coming from everywhere at once.
Radial Awareness picks up something big a few inches from my head.
Above… And falling!
With the same unconscious reaction I had with every root, rock, and uneven patch of ground on the way here, the stone beneath my feet cracks as I LAUNCH myself forward with everything I have.
My legs already hurt from the strain. That would’ve barely been a notable result of exercise around this time last week. But now? Never mind the joyful forest jog earlier. This has to be the fastest I’ve ever moved. Not fast enough though.
Almost as soon as I launch, all my forward movement vanishes as something grabs and crushes my legs against the stone floor.
This, of course, WHIPS my whole body face-first into the stone.
Ow… My face… My thighs…
I can’t do much but lay trapped and eliciting a dull, groaning whine that I can only remember doing once-NOPE!!!
This is an entirely new kind of pain. Even those bullets from a minute ago-NOPE!!!
I latch onto the first distraction that occurs to me as the weight of my longsword slowly slides out of its sheath and ineffectively clatters on the floor next to me.
I feel like I should be screaming. Am I screaming? I can’t tell because if any actual sound comes out of my mouth, or the sword as it clatters, or the ground it clatters on, I can’t hear it over a distinctly worse noise.
The skittering I was running from is literally deafening now.
From the moment I got trapped, Radial Awareness has picked up a lot more than just the slamming of what, craning my neck around, I now realize is a distinctly hallway-shaped stone slab.
Oh… It’s flush with the ground… I… Both my legs are under there… The pain… Where’s the pain? My thighs hurt like hell, but… Oh. The nerves are destroyed, aren’t they? Oh god, my legs…
I try to move.
I can’t. Just like when… Oh god.
Already well aware that I’m less than stable, I can’t quite tell when I truly start to panic.
I barely even notice the movement I’m sensing. And the skittering is all around me now. Like before, only closer. Much, much closer.
I run for it.
Except no I don’t. Not even a little bit.
Focusing past, above, and beyond the stabbing pain from my ruined legs, I struggle to do something. I’ll settle for anything.
I try everything.
But I’ve got nothing. “Help…”
More skittering.
“Somebody!”
Louder skittering.
“ANYBODY!!!”
But there’s nobody.
Just skittering.
Closer.
And in front of me now.
“HEEELP!!!”
But the only help that comes is exactly what I was afraid of. I can’t see anything in this unlit tunnel.
But I see them anyway. Spiders… Big spiders. Big, harry spiders. Werespiders? Wait, no… Spiderwolves?
I know the instant it happens. Thinking through a pedantic debate with myself over pointless terminology, my panic comes full circle. A moment of clarity.
I snap back to reality. But my reality leads right back to fear. Fear leads back to panic. But this time, panic leads to courage. Courage leads to action. Pure, unthinking action.
In fear, I grab for my fallen longsword.
Panicking, I remember that the closest path between two points is a straight line.
Courageously, I make full use of all my knife-throwing experience, combined with my new superhuman strength.
I take action as just like I practiced outside, I THROW the sword straight at the thing.
It flies fast. And true. And spinning, straight at the spider’s face.
“YES!!!”
Not having bothered dodging, the large furry arachnid gets wanged in the many-eyed forehead by my steel longsword’s leather hilt.
I watch in despair as a nearly transparent red ‘7’ floats up from the spot it hit. “What..?”
The wannabe katana clatters to the hallway floor.
In retrospect, I remember that I’ve never thrown so much as a knife before that one time today. I only saw it in ‘cartoons’. It looked so simple…
“FUCK!!!”
The spider, seeming to realize that I’m trapped underneath the door, bounds forward and reaches me in a moment.
“FUCKFUCKFUCK!!!”
Surging forward, it bites into my outstretched throwing arm.
An equally transparent red ‘11’ slowly floats up from the alarmingly deep spiderwolf bite before itself seeming to get bitten apart.
“AAAH!!!” Despite the scream, I barely feel the bite.
Oh god, I’m in shock…
That knowledge only deepens my panic. “Ohfuckohfuckofuck-”
The kytanous spiderwolf bites me again.
Another ‘11’.
“Aaah!”
I can’t move. I’m totally helpless to-
Another bite.
Another ‘11’ floats up from the wound.
Am… Am I actually in shock though?
No… No, the bites just don’t actually hurt very much.
That’s when I notice my last few notifications.
[ HP: 128/256 ]
[ HP: 117/256 ]
[ HP: 106/256 ]
Oh for crying out loud…
Even as everything falls into perspective, the spider bites me again.
[ HP: 95/256 ]
More out of indignance than anything, I punch the spider in the same spot my sword hit.
A transparent red ‘20’ floats above where the punch landed. Useless-ass sword…
I punch again.
And again.
But that’s all I have time for before another bite.
[ HP: 84/256 ]
I score three solid hits in quick succession. 60 total damage.
One last punch accompanies a lone red ‘9’.
With no buildup, its legs and head detach, leaving a basketball-sized torso to fall and splat on the ground like some sort of deflating meat-balloon.
Finally, a golden, sparkling transparent ‘1’ floats up from the mess.
Giving me no time to celebrate the first Monster I’ve ever killed, two more alternately skitter and lunge to bite me the moment they’re close enough to reach.
[ HP: 62/256 ]
I punch them too.
But I only have time for one hit each before another shape obscures my view from above. It’s furry. And oddly smooth. And carapace… FUCK.
The three spiders each bite one of my left bicep, right shoulder, and goddamned fucking nose.
[ HP: 29/256 ]
“FUNK!!!”
I don’t even have time to get the new spider off my face before the world cuts to black.
[ YOU DIED — XP DEBT: 63+64=127 — RESPAWN DELAY: 8 HOURS ]
…FUCK!!!
