I wish it was less awkward when I walked through the door.

  Maybe if I didn’t just stand in the entrance. Or if the lady behind the podium had someone else to look at in the otherwise empty antichamber that smelled suspiciously of soap.

  But neither of those things seem to work in my favor as a desire to apologize and then get the fuck out of here fights to an inevitable stalemate with a conflicting desire to just get the fuck out of here.

  I compromise by standing still.

  A few minutes into my self-imposed wait, some guy bursts through the entrance behind me. He’s not the same ‘some guy’ as before. Although you could hardly tell by how he doesn’t acknowledge my existence either. Nor that of Podium-Lady.

  Instead, he runs straight for a wide curtain hanging behind and to the left of her.

  With a rough, yet enthusiastic flourish, he rips through the curtain, neglecting to break stride as he steps across the threshold.

  At which point, he promptly disappears in a shimmering flash of white feathers.

  I can just barely make out a blurry mass writhing behind the fluttering curtain before it settles down, once more hiding whatever’s going on back there. I am very, very okay with that.

  The lady seems to groan her way through a sudden migraine from behind the podium. But, in short order, she lifts face from palm, already wearing a defiantly friendly expression as she repurposes the same palm to wave me over.

  No less awkwardly than I was standing, I take my sweet time shuffling across the both less and more ostentatious equivalent of a bank lobby. It only gets more awkward with each passing second.

  But, come hell or high water, my struggles reach their end along with my distance from the podium. “Um… Hi there…”

  The only thing that doesn’t run out is the apparently southern woman’s patience. “And hi yourself, ma’am. Is this your first time?”

  “Yes. I mean no. I mean kind of. I mean I’m not really ‘here’… I mean… I just came in to apologize.”

  “Oh? And whatever would you need to apologize for? You call me Darline, by the way.”

  “I kinda… Showered your customers with my puke. And blood. Aaand the rest of me too. Although I was in chunks at the time, so…”

  Darline’s face goes blank. “Uh-huh… That was you, eh?”

  “Y-yeah… Again, sorry.”

  “Oh, That’s alri-” She grimaces. “That is, it certainly ain’t ‘alright’. But the apology does help. I’m honestly surprised you’re here at all after that lil show you gave us. Let alone with an admission of guilt.”

  I shrink into myself a bit. Didn’t think I’d show my face around here again, did she? “That’s fair… Can’t say I wasn’t tempted to just avoid this place like the plague.”

  Darline shakes her head. “Nah, that ain’t what I meant. I thought the Mods would’a snatched you up. They’re extra responsive in Outset, you know. Unfortunately, the Venn diagram of assholes and heroes ain’t just two separate circles. And the assholes generally start assholing sooner rather than later. Which is fine. You can be an asshole. Just not sexually. And you… Looked like a pretty damn big sexual asshole from where I was standing.”

  She shrugs. “Which, to be fair, was here. I didn’t actually see what you did. Only the aftermath.”

  “Y-yeah… I get it. Unwilling as that whole mess was for me, I still made it. I… Actually, hold on. Something’s really bothering me. What happened with that guy a minute ago? He kinda just ran in and vanished. Also there were… Feathers? That can’t be normal, right?”

  “Now, I wouldn’t quite call it ‘normal’ per se. But it does happen. Actually, it’s a prime example of what I thought happened to y'all. As for the guy, I ain’t never seen him before. Good thing, too. He probably heard what this place was, got excited, and didn’t give much thought to the admissions process. I imagine right now, a Mod’ll be giving him a very stern talking to. Or, if he already got that talking to, what he’ll be going through is a lot less pleasant.”

  I blink. “What? They already… They responded that fast?”

  “As a matter of fact, they responded instantly. Or didja think those feathers were his doing?”

  “So how’d the Admins get to him the moment he acted?”

  “Hell if I know. Probably some kinda monitoring thing they have. Far as I can tell, upper management knows about all sorts of violations before they happen. Like that last guy. Mods only snatched him up once he’d already barged into the private area. But they knew he’d do that before he ever came in the building. Maybe before he even knew himself.”

  “That seems… The word ‘unassailable’ comes to mind… So are sexual predators just not even a thing here or what?”

  “It ain’t called Heaven just cuz we got halos.”

  “But we don’t have halos. Unless… Are the halos invisible? Or do you have to unlock them? What do they do?”

  Darline chuckles. “Halos ain’t a thing. Well, they technically are… But an Accessory like that is really more of a fashion statement than anything. Yeah though, you might experience some unwelcome brushing of hands and things. Which you can, and should deter. But in all the time I’ve lived here, I’ve never heard of a single case of forced penetration. Ever.”

  My eyes widen and discomfort mounts as, despite my reservations about how ‘protected’ that makes me feel, I would literally rather talk about anything else. “So you mentioned an admissions process? Sounds like I should do it just to cover my bases and steer clear of Mods altogether. Especially seeing as I’ve met three people so far in this world, and two of them have made it a point to warn me away from pissing off the Mods. Or Admins? Is there a difference, by the way? Or is it just two words for the same thing? Like ‘cops’ and ‘police’?”

  “Not quite. It’s pretty simple though. Admins are the overall organization. For lack of a better job description, they run the whole world. Mods are a branch within the Admins. They deal with violations certain strictures. In a word? They moderate. If the Order of Admins is an overarching government, then yes, the Mods are their police. Or cops. Only with a hell of a lot more power. So more like soldiers in a perpetual, albeit lax state of martial law. And Speaking of… How old are you, exactly?”

  Another person snooping about my age? Second of the three to do that now, too… But at least it’s an actual question this time…

  “I’m sixt-” Wait, no, how could it possibly matter?

  Didn’t Sennefer say he was several millennia old or something?

  I shake my head. “Hold on, aren’t we all immortal now? What does age even mean anymore?”

  Darline leans forward on her podium with a sigh. “Okay, look kid… Blood and gore and puke aside, you seem cool. And you haven’t even been inching towards that curtain while we’ve been talking or anything. So, I have a mind to let it slide. That said, we do still recognize an age of consent. That’s eighteen. Not to everyone who comes through here. But enough to where that’s the universal cutoff. We have different groups for different people. But even if you’re immortal, no one here would consent to sex with anyone underage. Strictly speaking, neither can you. Not yet, anyway. Whether you want it or not, it’s rape in our eyes. And those of the Mods. But here…”

  She hands me a token.

  Seems kinda hypocritical, all told. But I’m still in the camp of getting the fuck out of here and never coming back, so… “Alright, yeah… What do I do with the coin?”

  “Put it in your inventory, of course.”

  “What do you mean ‘inventory-’”

  As soon as I say the word, a System window appears in my view with a single entry.

  [ ALL ITEMS ]

  [ E - COMMON ACCESSORY: RIPPED BLANKET ]

  More than a little wary of whether I can get chlamydia via the menu system, but far more interested in leaving, I try to take it.

  [ ITEM GAINED: G.O.N. ENTRY TOKEN ]

  On willing it to be added, the token immediately disappears from my hand, only to double the number of items in my list. For a grand total of two things I own in the whole world. I need more stuff…

  Watching me do that, Darline goes into a clearly rehearsed spiel. “Now, don’t you come back here until your eighteenth birthday. Your real one, mind. At such a time, the token’ll let you in. Or you can throw it away if you want. But it’s very important that you not show up if you don’t have it anymore. Since I’m warning you now, it will mean instant action from the Mods if you do otherwise.”

  She throws me a somehow-not-sensual smirk. “I recommend storing it away and just forgetting about it for a couple years. The token will let you into any of our orgies after you complete the waver, only signable when you’re old enough. But no pressure to join. Everyone here will be perfectly happy with or without you. Just ever so slightly less happy without. The more the merrier, and all. Just make sure you don’t give it away. If you’d rather get rid of it, I recommend using your System menu to ‘disassemble’ instead of ‘drop’.”

  I eye the token’s inventory entry like a rattlesnake. “Yyyeah… Sorry, I’m really not interested in this place. I just came in here to apologize.”

  “Again, feel free to destroy the token if you want. Let’s just keep it on the wheel, okay?”

  “Wheel? There’s a wheel?”

  “No, there ain’t no literal wheel. It’s just an expression.”

  “If you say so… Anyway, um… Bye.” Spotting my first real egress opportunity, I stiffly turn around and walk out of the building.

  Darline waves after me. “Y’all come back now, ya hear?!”

  Exiting the disturbingly fancy hellhole, I find that the sun somehow managed to fully rise while I was in there.

  Blinking at that, my eyes hurt.

  [ HP: 255/256 ]

  Ow.

  Lowering my gaze from the sun, I resolve to just wander town for a bit while I emotionally recover from how completely out of my comfort zone that was.

  While I walk, I happen to flip through my active quests and onto the vengeance one.

  [ HERO TARGETED: ONESHOT - BFS ]

  What?

  My head snaps to a tiny dot over the second floor of a coffee shop where all my instincts tell me the most important thing in the world is… Oh fuck, he’s across the street!?

  But no. It only takes walking a few more steps parallel to the shop before I realize the truth. He’s far away. Really far. Impossibly far. How’d he even move that far since yesterday?

  Heart still racing, I deselect the Vengeance Quest and try to put him out of my mind for now, only to realize in a jolt that I’m just standing vacantly in front of a fruit stand.

  Meeting the fruit seller’s welcoming expression with a self-deprecating look of my own, I engage my patented tunnel vision. Straight for what I discovered on my walk to be the only specialty weapon shop in town.

  It’s a far more ostentatious, if far smaller property than the orgy one, sandwiched snugly between a souvenir store and sandwich shop.

  Stepping through the door, I’m already more comfortable than I ever managed to get in that last place. So if I really can’t have a katana, I need a sword with a sheath at least. Something that’ll let me activate my one and only combat Skill. If for no other reason than it’s just too depressing not to be able to even use it.

  Goal firmly in mind for once, I walk confidently up to the nearest employee.

  The blue-skinned man seems to unfocus his eyes from the middle distance before refocusing on me. “Welcome to the Plot Armory. How may I help you?”

  I get right to the point. “I’m looking for a-”

  Or at least that was my plan. “Wait, seriously? That’s what this store is called?”

  I couldn’t read the sign above the shop because all the letters were in a battle royale or something. It was pretty damn illegible with a bunch of them upside down, in the wrong order, or otherwise scattered everywhere.

  The clerk’s smile twitches, but he doesn’t otherwise react to the dumbness of my question. “Sure is. Will that be all?”

  I can’t help a chuckle at the masterfully subtle burn. “So, I’m looking for a sword…”

  The clerk leans forward encouragingly.

  “A katana if you’ve got one.”

  He leans further forward.

  “With like… Magic stuff on it, I guess? I don’t actually know how that all works. But I’d love to learn.”

  The clerk leans in fully to whisper in my ear. “Sorry, I’m new. I really don’t know what I’m doing yet.”

  I deflate, sigh, and wordlessly walk over to the other employee standing behind the counter.

  The new hire projects a frantic whisper as I move past him. “Please don’t tell my boss.”

  I approach the counter, now thoroughly robbed of the confidence I walked in with. “Hi there. I’m looking for a, um… Sword?”

  The new kid’s presumptive boss beams at me.

  He doesn’t let on that he overheard any or all of my unhushed conversation in the relatively small showroom with no other customers. “Then I daresay you’ve come to the right place. What kind of sword would you like?”

  “I’ll take a katana if you’ve got one. But I heard there’s a shortage of those around here. What do you have in the way of swords with, like, a sheath?”

  “A ‘Sheath’..? Yes, I see… Well, as a matter of fact, we do have one katana for sale.”

  He gestures to the center of the shop at a layered display case full of ornate weaponry. “One of our coveted Investment Armaments.”

  Practically salivating, I take in the case for the first time, only to realize my face is practically pressed up against it.

  I jerk my head back and hurriedly try to remember what a katana looks like in a last-ditch effort not to come off like a gibbering idiot.

  But I dodge that eventuality by spotting the blade right away. It’s unmistakable after all, calling to me as it is.

  [ MYTHIC KATANA: DARK BLACK DARKBLADE OF BLACKING DARKNESS ]

  Unfortunately, I prove it to have been a true eventuality as I unthinkingly reach out to touch the katana. My finger meets the glass of the display case, and…

  It zaps me.

  “Ow!”

  [ HP: 255/256 ]

  Having come from behind the counter at some point, the salesman clears his throat through a grin he can’t quite seem to suppress. “No touching, if you please.”

  “I um… Sorry… So how much is this?”

  He doesn’t miss a step. “That would be $32,768.”

  My jaw slackens. “Thirty thousand… Wait, this place runs on dollars?”

  “Dinero, actually. And I take it from your question that you are… Shall we say, ‘new in town’?”

  My grimace feels as awkward as I do. “You could say that, yeah.”

  “And how much do you have left from your starting funds? Or have you perhaps earned more?”

  I freeze. “Starting funds?”

  His eyes widen. “Oh my… You are new, aren’t you? Well, then…”

  Straightening his posture, he takes me in as though for the first time. “This is, what, your first stop since arriving in Outset?”

  I look down in a vain attempt to hide a sudden blush. “Second… Third technically. But it’s my first actual store. Definitely the first place I’ve gone with thoughts of spending money.”

  Not that I even knew what the currency was… I really didn’t have much of a plan, did I?

  Thankfully, the shopkeep doesn’t seem to notice that bit. “You… Are quite invested in your CLASS, aren’t you?”

  I will my extended silence not to be taken as the sheer ignorance it is. “Y-yes? Isn’t everyone?”

  He belts out the start of a derisive laugh before catching himself. “Hah! That is… If only it were so. Time was, this place would be full of Heroes just like you. But now look at it. The next thing to empty.”

  My eyes wander around the still-customer-less premises. “Yeah, I was wondering about that.”

  “Tell me, young miss… Where are you going after this?”

  Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  “I was gonna stop by the Quest Hall and look for a dungeon that drops katanas. I figured I’d just check this place first to see if I could get one to start with.”

  “Oh? Well, when you get there, take a good look. You’ll see exactly what most people are up to these days. Not you though, I can tell. You’re in this for the long haul, aren’t you?”

  “What? I mean yes? I did just get here. But if you mean leveling up and getting stronger and stuff, then yeah, that’s the plan. Not like I have anything else going on. Besides, I do kinda want more and better superpowers.”

  The man lets out a gentile chuckle. “Depressingly few Heroes think of it that way. Especially these days.”

  He gives his hands a decisive clap, looking legitimately excited for the first time since I walked in. “Alright. I’m of a mind to jump-start you on your journey. So how about this? We’ll set up a payment plan. Here and now, I’ll take our singular Mythic katana off display, and store it in the back. You, and you alone, will have exclusive purchasing rights. Today, if you give me $96 of your $128 starting funds. We can use that as the first of 24 monthly payments over the next three years.”

  He clears his throat. “Now, a 24th of $32,768 is $1,365. That’s what you’ll be paying next month, and each month after that, for 23 months in total. Now I know what you’re thinking. $1,365 is a hell of a lot more than the $96 you’d be giving me today. Taking that into account, you’re getting a $1,269 discount off the total price. And tell you what…”

  He wiggles his eyebrows. “I’ll even throw in a free longsword to get you going. It’s not quite a katana. Straight rather than curved, you see. But it has a similar weight, length, and even comes with its own scabbard. Unless I miss my guess, that should suit your needs until you find your first katana, yes? Now how does that sound for a deal?”

  I try not to be obvious about just how tempting that is. I was thinking more along the lines of a falchion… But he makes a compelling point about the overall form factor being closer to what I actually want, despite the lack of a curve.

  I sigh. “One thing though. Like you said, I just got here. To the town… The world… The whole thing.”

  Seeing his expression lose some of its luster at my less-than-enthusiastic reaction to his sales pitch, I hurry to voice my concern. “You’re right. I am in it for the long haul. And I do want that katana. But I need to survive, you know? You’re asking me to give you nearly all my money. That’d leave me with nothing but $32, a ripped blanket, and an orgy token to my name.”

  His face gradually brightens back up as I speak, twitching at the last bit before moving right past it. “$32 can buy you food and lodging for a month here in town. And don’t forget the longsword you’re getting as a bonus. If you go out there and get started with dungeons and quests and monsters and things, you’ll earn all that back and then some. Most people take their sweet time wading into the water before they take anything resembling a plunge. I wouldn’t offer them this deal as it would be irresponsible of me to do so. But I have a feeling about you. It’s telling me that you’re looking to dive right into the deep end. Do that, and you can easily make all your money back today.”

  I may have spotted a loophole. “So let’s say, hypothetically, that I go through with this. What if I miss a payment? Would I just lose all the money I paid into it?”

  “Oh, nothing of the sort. Missing a payment only means you get a strike. Three strikes, and interest starts accruing for each additional month that passes without payment. This is equivalent to half a payment’s-worth of interest for each payment missed. So, at worst, two months missed means you’ll eventually have to make one more payment before all is said and done. And, of course, if you so choose, you can make a full payment at any time.”

  He waggles a playfully warning finger. “Just remember to come and pick up your new katana within a year of paying off the remaining balance. After one year of being owned but not added to an owner’s inventory, the System automatically considers a weapon, or any item for that matter, to be abandoned by said owner. And, as it would then exist, unowned, on this property, the owner of the property would once more become the owner of the item. Again, this is automatic and we can’t do anything about it.”

  “But it’s still mine if I get back here ten months after I pay it off?”

  “Well… That is… No.”

  I knew this was too good to be true. “Woah, woah, hold on. You just said I had a year. What happened to that?”

  He waves his hands in negation. “Wait a minute. You’re recently from Earth, yes?”

  “Y-yeah..?”

  “Then I take it you understand a year as being twelve months long?”

  “What? Yeah, obviously.” This better have a point…

  “In Heaven, there are eight.”

  “Eight? Eight what?”

  “Months.”

  “In… Wait, you mean there’s only eight months per year?”

  The salesman nods. “But if it makes you feel any better, eight of our months are more or less equal to twelve of your old ones. So when I say ‘a year’, I am referring to the amount of time you’re thinking of. But you can see why ten months would be too late now, yes?”

  I deflate, unable to find any particular issue with that. “Oh right… Yeah, I guess that’s fine.”

  The store clerk hands me a pre-printed contract for the katana. “Please sign and date on the final page. Then, just accept the contract on the System end and you’re good to go.”

  [ ACCEPT? ]

  I just stare at him. “I… don’t suppose you go by Earth dates here?”

  The man smiles with genuine warmth for a change. “It’s the Sixth of Agni. Year of the Bear.”

  “Oh… The years aren’t numbered?” I really hope it’s not a different animal each year. Although ‘bear’ seems like a really basic one not to have used yet…

  “The years are, of course, numbered. However, that number being eleven digits long, we tend to simply go by the Beast Year. At least in matters with a timeline less than eight years.”

  I blink at him.

  “I regret to inform you that this contract does not allow eight years to pay off the sword.”

  “I know. But what’s the year though?”

  “13,787,672,910.”

  I regret I asked. “Oh. I mean thanks.”

  Then I try to sign.

  But the stupid System won’t let me.

  So, I actually read through the whole contract.

  I have to admit, if grudgingly, that I’m lucky it’s making me do this. I’ve never had a payment plan before. And this does seem like the kind of thing where you’d get scammed in the fine print.

  My attention drifts in and out, it being a contract and all, but I don’t spot anything like a loophole the shop can use to fuck me out of both money and weapon. As long as I deal with them in good faith, at least. Which is fine.

  Once I run out of reasons not to, I sign the contract. Or at least I try to. It still won’t let me.

  So, only spurred on by the refusal, I defiantly read the whole thing again. I even try not to zone out so much this time.

  And then I do it again. Turns out, there was a sentence I missed. Just not one that made a difference in anything but forcing me to read the whole thing yet again. Fuck my life…

  [ AUTOPAY: THE PLOT ARMORY — DEPOSITED: $96 USD ]

  [ COMMON WEAPON GAINED: STEEL LONGSWORD ]

  Having patiently waited for however long that took, the man beams. “You are quite welcome, young miss. It has been, and I’m sure will continue to be, a pleasure doing business with you.”

  Longsword in hand, I distinctly don’t draw the blade and wave it around like everyone’s favorite toddler.

  Instead, I walk out of the store and head straight to the Quest Hall to hopefully earn my money back, and a weapon I actually want besides.

  It’s hard to miss the single tallest building in the whole town. I passed it a few times while wandering earlier. So between that, and the roof towering above the rest, I have no trouble finding it again.

  Only next to my destination is a door I hadn’t noticed with a sign for a daily event called ‘New arrival seminar’.

  I narrow my eyes at it. That word is so, SO close to being funny. A tragedy, really. But yeah, now that I just got out of school forever, the last thing I'm about to do is enter a classroom. Even for an hour. Even for... However long the Semen-R lasts.

  Snickering as I walk into the Quest Hall itself, I notice something that sets it apart from the last two places I entered.

  Holy fuck is it crowded in here.

  There’s a spread of tables like how school fairs used to look. Every one of them has someone behind it.

  Depending on their audience, most are either enthusiastically bragging to a bunch of people about how great their whole deal is, or trying even harder to convince a single person to join.

  A few are desperate enough to look hopefully over at me from their empty stalls since I’m the only one not being ‘helped’.

  And everyone’s recruiting for something. Some for guilds. Others for what look like vacation spots. Those are by far the most popular tables. And an assortment of other things attracting wildly varying levels of interest.

  Apparently, there are several paths one can take to level up, get stronger, and set themselves up to one day ascend. Whatever that means… Or they could instead get whisked away to one of practically countless resorts where they’d be waited on hand and foot forever. It’s so cheap, it might as well be free.

  I can’t quite afford any of the better ones with just $32. But a single one of my upcoming monthly payments on that sword would cover me for like a year.

  In fact, staying at a resort actually looks like the least expensive, least-resistance path available. I guess with it being Heaven and all, it’s not really surprising which way most people go.

  Avoiding as much eye contact as possible, I ignore all that and instead make a B-line straight for the big holographic map spread out across one entire inner wall of the large building. Now then… How the fuck do you read this thing?

  Looking it over, I try my best to figure out which of the hundreds of little dots could be my ticket to a damn katana already.

  Eventually, someone walks up behind me, interrupting what’s turning out to be a pretty fruitless search through way too much information for something that may or may not even be listed. “Hi there. Would you happen to need any help figuring things out around here? I know this can all be rather overwhelming…”

  I absentmindedly reply over my shoulder. “Right now, I’m mainly just looking for a katana.”

  “Interesting… And after that?”

  “After? I haven’t really thought about it in any detail. I’ll probably just go ahead and do whatever I want, whenever I want, forever. At some point during that, I’ll get to max level. Other than that, I figure I’ll play it by ear.”

  The man behind me adopts an amused, slightly befuddled tone. “That’s… Fair, I suppose. Sometimes, the best way to honor the ones we loved, and who love us still, is by doing precisely that. Whatever we want.”

  I turn halfway around at the surprising approval of my offhand dismissal of his question. “You know what? I think you’re right about that. It just so happens that ‘whatever I want’ can only happen at max-level.”

  “Quite a goal you’ve got there. For what it’s worth, I hope you make it. Say… Have you perchance heard of the Big Four Guilds? I daresay your objective might be unattainable without joining one.”

  I don’t particularly care how long it takes. Or how impossible anyone thinks it is. From the moment I entered this world and saw that the XP system was even a thing, I knew that I’d either see it to the end, or die trying. Since the latter seems to be off the table, the only option left is to just do the damn thing. Which I will, help or no. Still…

  I turn to face him fully. “Big Four?”

  Seeing that he’d captured at least a modicum of my interest, the man perks up. “Yes, Ma’am. There are four main guilds. Together, they… We… Are responsible for the vast majority of Heaven’s economy. At least as far as Humanity’s territory goes. And that does include the Kingdoms, I might add.”

  “So you belong to one of those? You sure I should be taking your word for that? Seems like you’d be incentivized to upsell me on your own guild and badmouth all the others. Not that I’m one to judge… But it does make me want to take everything you say with a heaping pile of salt.”

  “I get why you’d say that. You have me in a bit of a bind since, and this is just my honest opinion, the Adventurer’s Guild is by far the best of the four. But again, that’s just me. And while it’s certainly the best for me, that doesn’t make it the best for everyone. It’s basically a meritocracy. The more you do, the further you get. But it’s also by far the most popular guild, so you’d have the longest way to go before you’d be allowed to get past Level 20 or so. In other words, you’d have to out-perform everyone else ahead of you in that line.”

  I bristle at that. “Hold on… They’d ‘let’ me get past Level 20?”

  “Oh… You must not know. To get to max level, you need to ascend. And to ascend, your team needs to win the yearly Tournament of Ascension.”

  I feel a torch alight in my chest. So that’s what that means… “Alright, I’ll just win this ‘tournament’, then.”

  The guild recruiter shakes his head. “Not so fast. Each guild can only send one team to the Tournament per year. Including Kingdom Royals. That’s just eight people, or up to sixteen if you’re tricky with participation, who can ascend each time. So you can imagine how many people have worked for literal centuries just to qualify for the Adventurer’s Guild team. Let alone win the whole thing.”

  “Maybe I’m missing something, but it sounds like my best option is to just enter with a smaller group and get on the team right away. So can’t I just start a guild of my own?”

  “Sure you can. It’s as simple as visiting the Guild Registrar in Central.”

  “It’s that easy?”

  “To register a new guild? Yes. Very easy. But taking that guild and winning the Tournament? Practically impossible. You gotta remember, the competing guild teams are strong. All of them. And I don’t even know the last time anybody won that wasn’t part of either the Eight Kingdoms, or the Big Four guilds.”

  “I can’t just, you know… Go and get to max level without winning? Or is 20 some kind of pre-ascension Level cap?”

  “Not exactly… Look, it’s complicated. Suffice it to say, it’s rare for anyone to get past Level 20 without climbing the planets. The XP requirements double for each level, so-”

  I feel a foreign breeze run across the edge of my eyes as they practically bulge out of my skull. “DOUBLE???”

  The guild rep nods consolingly “‘Fraid so.”

  “For each level..?”

  “‘Fraid so.”

  “I…” I need to sit down.

  So I do. Right there, on the ground where I was just standing.

  Fold a paper over on itself 42 times and the stack will reach the moon. That fact blew my mind as a kid. So much so that I didn’t believe it and had to do the math myself. But it’s true. And 43 only doubles it again. Let alone 44. Or 50. Or whatever the max level is… Impossible.

  256 XP to get from Level Two to Level Three… 512 to get from there to Level Four… I could never hope to get to 50. Not in a million years. But he’s saying it’s doable wherever the ascension happens?

  And did he say ‘planets’? How do you climb a planet? Do things just give that much more XP up there? Does it matter?

  “What are-” I let out a dry cough from my spontaneously parched throat. “What are the other three big guilds? Do you think I could ascend faster with one of them?”

  “Mmmaybe? That really depends on you. Each does tend to selectively promote new members right away, but they aren’t quite as egalitarian as the Adventurer’s Guild. Take the Archive for example. They focus on obtaining and preserving knowledge. The Archive values old world innovation and prestige more than just about anything.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “You wouldn’t happen to be a famous creative on Earth, would you?”

  “Um…” I mean… “No.”

  “Then I don’t recommend joining the Archive. At least not with Ascension being your goal. They’d definitely help you explore and experience new things. But they make no secret of giving preferential treatment to their more famous members. So it’s like you’d be permanently stuck behind all the rest of them in line. Even those who show up after you. If they made a creative impact in the old world, they’ll just get shunted straight to the front, right past you and all the other non-famous hopefuls. Not that even they would have much hope of Ascending in the same decade that they joined.”

  “Huh… Yeah, they’re out. So who’re the other two?”

  “Forgive me for assuming, but you were never in any military, right?”

  Unexpected as it is, I splutter out an absolute mess of a laugh. “Oh, god no!”

  The guild rep nods in expected ascent. “I thought as much. Another of the Big Four is called ‘Valor’. But they give that same kind of preferential treatment to people who died in war. And they’d only even accept you in the first place if you were active in the military.”

  “Fuck… So that’s a dead end for sure. What’s the last one, then?”

  “That’d be Bisney.”

  I cough in surprise. “W-what?”

  The guild rep seems confused at the reaction.

  I clarifyingly splutter. “Bisney?”

  “So then I take it you’ve heard of them?”

  “Depends. Do they have anything to do with Disney?”

  “Yes and no. Not directly. But you’re right in assuming the original inspiration. They’re focused on entertainment. Bisney owns most of the resorts you’ll find scattered pretty much everywhere. They’re selective too, but in weird ways. They prefer people who have a CLASS or CRAFT focused on an entertainment property. You wouldn’t happen to have something like that, would you?”

  “Yep. Sure do.”

  The rep nods just as consolingly as before. “I thought not since you just started and all-”

  He blinks at me. “Wait, what?”

  “I’ve got an Anime Swordsman CLASS.”

  He looks skeptical. “‘Anime’? Can’t say I’m familiar with that one.”

  “It’s a kind of cartoon from Japan.”

  He puts on a thoughtful expression. “Cartoon, huh? That definitely sounds right up Bisney’s alley…”

  I feel my smile widening with every word. “Okay, thanks for the info.”

  At that, I walk straight over to what is obviously the ostentatiously decorated Bisney booth.

  The Adventurer’s Guild recruiter calls after me with disappointed encouragement. “Oh… Ok. Bye, then! I hope you find what you’re looking for!”

  For my part, I swagger over and immediately start talking to the Bisney rep.

  Said Bisney rep sounds initially excited by the news. “Based on a cartoon, huh? That certainly is the sort of thing we try to cultivate. And what is this CLASS you have?”

  I puff up proudly. “Anime Swordsman.”

  The Bisney rep blanches. “Anime? Why would you… No, nevermind. Your reasons don’t matter. Are you willing to respec out of it?”

  “No, but-”

  He sighs dejectedly. “Just as I feared. I’m very sorry, but we can’t do anything for you.”

  “But… It’s a type of cartoon-”

  “I KNOW… What anime is. Okay?”

  “Y-I mean… But-”

  “I can’t help you. Official policy. Not my decision. But if it was, I’d still say ‘no’.”

  “But I don’t-”

  “Please leave.”

  I want to argue. But I think better of it. At least I still have a backup… I don’t want to wait decades or centuries to reach max level. But even a millennia is better than never.

  Bisney Guy’s dejection is apparently contagious because that’s how I walk back over to the Adventurer’s Guild recruiter. “Well that didn’t work…”

  He offers the same consoling smile from before. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “So what can we do about this whole centuries-of-wait thing?”

  “Well, like I said, the Adventurer’s Guild is a meritocracy. Accomplish difficult things. And then accomplish more. And more. And so on and so forth until you beat out all the other Tournament Team hopefuls.”

  “And there’s nothing I can do to get, like, a jump start? Like some sort of signing bonus?”

  He rubs his temples. “Okay, look. I get that you’re a hero. That’s what got you here. It’s what got us all here. But that doesn’t make you an exception to guild policy. Nor does it even make you special. A place in this world is yours by rights. But it won’t get you preferential treatment in my, or any other guild. Maybe if you died in the course of military service… But as we’ve established, that’s not the case.”

  I whistle in appreciation of the surprising frankness. “Wow. That was well said. I think I actually get it. Sorry for the mistake.”

  “Spend every day speaking with newbies in Outset, and you’ll get a lot of practice talking down the entitled ones.”

  “Oof… So there’s a lot of that, then?”

  The guild rep chuckles. “You could say so, yeah.”

  “Then I’ve gotta work up from the very bottom for my chance?”

  “That’s right. Do you still want to join?”

  “Maybe. But I feel like I need more info first.”

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Just start by telling me more on what I’d be signing up for until I’m convinced that I’m not secretly agreeing to be your slave with an irreversible commitment or some crazy bullshit like that.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “You… Can leave at any time.”

  I roll my wrist in a ‘get-on-with-it’ sort of way. “Aaand in order to leave, I must forfeit my…”

  “Nothing.”

  Even compared to that sword earlier, this is hard for me to buy. “Nothing?”

  The guild rep nods. “Nothing at all”

  “And you won’t make me respec?”

  “No, we will not. The source of your power doesn’t matter to us. Only what you do with it.”

  “Alright, I’ll join.”

  His eyes widen. “R-really? Just like that?”

  “Yeah sure, fuck it. I mean I can leave anytime with no consequences, right?”

  “You lose whatever rank you would’ve earned in your time with us. But we do offer a generous severance package depending on said rank at the time you leave. As a kind of thank-you for services rendered, since you’d be giving up any future rewards you were building to.”

  “Aaand do I get that severance package if I just up-and-quit before earning any particular rank?”

  “Yep! Although the lowest-level severance package is admittedly less generous than all the others”

  “Oh cool. Then hell yeah, sign me up.”

  “Wonderful! It’ll take about a week to process your background check. Don’t worry, it’s just a formality as far as you’re concerned. You’re brand new, so you haven’t had time to do anything that would raise red flags. But after the check comes back, we can get you set up with that invite.”

  I try very hard not to think of blood, vomit, or meaty chunks. “Great! So can my new guild help me with something?”

  “I suppose that depends on the ‘something’.”

  “I’m trying to find a katana. Specifically, I’m looking for a dungeon that drops them. I was trying to read that clusterfuck of a map when you started talking to me. Not that I minded the interruption. I wasn’t really getting anywhere with it.”

  The guild rep puts on a thoughtful expression. “A katana… That’s a kind of sword, right?”

  He walks over and starts examining the massive map. “I can’t make any promises, but let’s see what we can find…”