“Yes?” Keiy asked.

  “Since when do you… drink tea?” The dragon girl demanded. “You don’t even have a mouth. Or a stomach.”

  “I was given a mug, therefore I will hold it thusly and pretend to drink from it,” the symbiote replied.

  “Why?” Galateya asked.

  The gun shrugged.

  “If I understand things correctly,” I said. “Keiy was made from crystalloid vampires, who themselves were made from people. Therefore, Keiy is a person and should be treated like such. My interest isn't simply in understanding you, Galateya. I’d like to get to know Keiy more too.”

  Galateya's head snapped at me, then shot a glare at Nexxali.

  Arrays of miniature red lights ignited across Keiy’s hexagonal head below the trio of red eyes.

  “Abyss eternal,” Nexxali chortled into her mug. “Did you just make a symbiote weapon blush? I’ve never seen them do that. Look, look, it's blushing harder!”

  Keiy tried to hide her blush behind the “I like big guns and I cannot lie” black mug. It worked poorly.

  I mentally patted myself for great progress on my mission of ‘gun seduction’ plot.

  “Hey! Stop seducing my gun!” Galateya ground out, somehow guessing my plot, mossy tail lashing.

  "I'm not seducing anyone," I lied. "I'm just acknowledging that Keiy is a sapient being with her own thoughts and feelings. That's basic respect, not seduction."

  “You literally gave her a mug that says ‘I like guns!’” Galateya waved a clawed hand at the mug.

  “We’re in America,” I said. “Liking guns is part of our culture. I’m simply respecting… Gun rights, see?"

  "Exactly," Keiy agreed, clanking the mug against her hexagonal head. "The human is simply being considerate. No one has ever offered me tea before."

  "Because weapons don't drink tea!" Galateya exclaimed.

  "But they can participate in the social ritual," I pointed out. "Just like how Keiy participated in the conversation earlier by providing... extremely detailed psychological analysis."

  Galateya's wooden scales flushed with tiny mortified pink flowers. "She was following orders!"

  "She seemed pretty enthusiastic about it," Nexxali observed, grinning wickedly. "Almost like she enjoyed telling us about your romance novel obsession and inability to make friends."

  "I have friends!" Galateya protested.

  "Name one," Nexxali challenged.

  "My GLM—"

  “A physical friend with arms,” Nexxali specified.

  “Keiy—”

  "A weapon that you enslaved from birth with blood magic doesn't count either," the serval grinned.

  Galateya opened and closed her mouth. “This isn’t fair.” She said finally. “Why don’t YOU name YOUR friends, cat!”

  “My friends are classified,” Nexxali stated, whiskers twitching.

  “Bullshit!” Galateya growled.

  Nexxali looked left and right as if a friend would magically present themselves into the current narrative of her existence. Then her gold eyes settled on me.

  “Ash… is my friend,” Nexxali said, wrapping her paw around me. “Right, human friend?”

  I nodded.

  "You literally forced him to feed you eggs and brush your fur with your voice! That’s not friendship!"

  "Nu-huh, feeding and brushing hair is what friends do as a social activity! I already told you, Charmchain doesn’t work on him, so he’s doing it without coercion," Nexxali protested, sliding closer and squeezing me tighter. "I’m a nice friend, unlike SOME dragons who just break into people's houses and ice them to walls!"

  Yes, a nice friend who almost killed me a few times until I defeated you with catnip and blackmail. I thought.

  "I…” Galateya huffed. “I was conducting an investigation!"

  "Into what? How to be the worst houseguest ever?" the cat demanded.

  Galateya groaned, closing her eyes in surrender.

  Keiy set down her mug with a deliberate clink. "Ashcroft Clifford," she said. "Your offer to take Galateya to a bookshop café. I require specificity."

  "What specificity?" I turned to the gun.

  "Exact percentages. How much of your offer to take Galateya to a bookshop café is motivated by romantic interest, on a scale of zero to one hundred? And separately, how much of your actions are motivated by a desire to potentially work for her as a valued employee, also on a scale of zero to one hundred?"

  "Wait, what?" Galateya choked on her tea. "Keiy, why are you—"

  "Please provide a very accurate, rational assessment." Keiy intoned.

  Nexxali leaned forward with interest. I set down my mug too, contemplating the bizarre position of having to quantify my intentions to a gun.

  Front mind: Oh god, math about feelings. This is worse than any job interview. Wait, is this a job interview? Why is the gun asking these particular questions?

  Back mind: Play this carefully. Too much romantic interest might scare Galateya off. Too little might close doors. The employment angle could be useful if it permits me to pry more information from the aliens about their weaknesses and plans.

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

  "Alright," I said slowly. "Romantic interest... Let's say… fifteen percent. Galateya is objectively attractive when she's not freezing me to a wall, seems intelligent despite the property damage, and apparently likes books."

  For some reason I thought of Shady. The imaginary Wendigo looked at me with a frown. I pushed the thought away, it's not like I was actually dating the alien Princess. Shady was an invasive critter who appeared in my life for three summers and then vanished without a trace, only to show up and throw the lives of billions of people on Earth sideways.

  This percentile declaration wasn't cheating! This wasn't a date, just dragon weakness reconnaissance for the resistance by the Emperor's false identity, a mild mannered electrical engineer!

  Galateya shifted nervously beside me.

  "Employment interest... Let's say… Eighty two percent,” I added, pulling myself out of my thoughts. “On the account that I have many bills to pay and was looking for a job as an electrical engineer before the whole ‘aliens took over the Earth’ thing. Galateya seems like she could be a sensible boss, especially when compared to the other Frontenachii commanders… since she is actually interested in human culture. The question is, what's the position?”

  "Acceptable parameters. Marshal Commandant Nexxali, follow-up query: Would you be interested in serving as Galateya's personal advisor regarding Earth operations?"

  “Me?” Nexxali chortled. "Advisor to this draconic wonder? Why would I—" She paused, golden eyes calculating. "Actually... wait. What's in it for me?"

  "Unknown at present," Keiy replied. "Potentially... rise in rank, greater independence and greater salary."

  Nexxali tilted her head, considering. "She's got no friends, no servants, can't handle being on ships... but she does understand human psychology better than most." She grinned wickedly. "And it would be hilarious to train a stuck-up dragon. Fine. Yes. I'll advise her on how not to be a complete disaster!"

  "Hey!" Galateya protested. “I am not a—”

  Keiy's eyes suddenly ignited with purple light. "Quest threshold reached."

  "Quest?" Galateya sputtered. "What quest? Keiy, what are you talking about?"

  "Legate Ixthia will explain herself," Keiy stated. "Incoming transmission."

  Keiy's trio of pyramid eyes pulsed brighter, the middle eye projecting a hologram that filled the living room with shimmering light.

  Legate Ixthia materialized in three-dimensional glory, reclining in what looked like a private bath filled with jet black, viscous liquid. Two naked pradavarian males covered in jewelry, a wolf with silver-tipped fur and a hawk with golden feathers, attended to her, one massaging her shoulders while the other held a crystalline goblet to her lips.

  "My dearest spawnling," Ixthia's voice resonated with honeyed authority as her antlers jiggled with diamond-studded chains. "Congratulations on reaching Earth intact and locating two potential… work colleagues so quickly. And congratulations to myself for my plans proceeding exactly as designed."

  "What plans?" Galateya demanded, "Great-grandmother, what are you—"

  "I'm calling to notify you that due to... this development, you will not be returning to your capital ship quarters, my spawnling," Ixthia continued, stretching languorously as the wolf attendant worked a knot from her neck. "In fact, you're never returning to fleet duty, except perhaps for a few occasional meetings with me."

  "Why?!" Galateya stammered out, likely presuming that she was being demoted for fighting with her superior again.

  "Because this planet belongs to you. Or it will, as that is your actual mission."

  Galateya stared blankly at the hologram.

  Ixthia smiled, looking maternal and predatory. "You see, I've spent the last several cycles convincing the Admiral and the other Legates that this Earth should become a Pleasure World. Four billion males! The vast variety of phenotypes! The complete lack of magical resistance! It's absolutely perfect for breeding programs, entertainment facilities, and most importantly..." She paused for dramatic effect, "for establishment of Doctor Iowsh's experimental GLM server farms."

  Nexxali blinked. "Doctor Iowsh wants to build server megastructures here?!"

  "Yes. A solid enough plan for me to support it," Ixthia stated. "Doctor Iowsh’s GLM research facility on Earth-0 was destroyed by a fertilizer explosion, likely caused by a competing Omnicorp. We’ve decided to move his research from homeworld to… a safer location.”

  Galateya blinked.

  “We’ve just found it. As my Datamancers promise me, this Earth's linear Aetheric density should prevent magical interference with quantum processing. The human population could provide diverse training data. The consensus reality field you’ve theorized about could actually stabilize synthetic consciousness matrices to build fully functional thinking machines!”

  “So…” Galateya blinked. “You believed me?”

  “I’ve believed you all along, my spawnling,” Ixthia nodded. "You see, my little, colorful darling, your… peculiar education in that peculiar time bubble was no accident. Doctor Iowsh managed your program, fed you human stories so that you could understand these simple creatures better than anyone else. You were raised to tolerate humans for a reason."

  Galateya sank deeper onto the couch, scales shifting to shocked whites and grays. "I don't understand. The doctor... programmed me to like humans?"

  "Programmed is such an ugly word," Ixthia's hologram purred. "Let's say... carefully cultivated. You see, finding a safe planet filled with humans was inevitable sooner or later according to my Datamancers. As it stands now, you're the only Frontenachii commander in the entire third fleet who openly sees humans as sexual partners rather than wall art. That makes you uniquely qualified for what comes next."

  “W-what?!” Galateya ignited pink-red, blooming with more flowers.

  “Galateya, your mission is simple: Rise through the ranks by any means necessary. Become the Baroness of Earth when we formalize the colonial structure. You have my full, if discrete, support."

  "You want me to become the Baroness of Earth?” Galateya let out. “With humans as... as..."

  The dragon girl’s scales shifted to more vibrant pink as she glanced between Nexxali and me, her mane detonating with large cherry blossoms.

  "That reminds me," Ixthia's hologram leaned forward, the hawk attendant pausing mid-massage. "Have you managed to determine what's happening with Division 881? Commander Sillicia's reports have been... sparse on details about the loss of two pradavarians Scruts."

  Galateya opened her mouth, then closed it, staring at Nexxali. "I... that is... the situation is—"

  "Incredibly heroic!" Nexxali interrupted. "Knight Galateya arrived just in time to assist with our most successful and dangerous local operation yet!"

  "Oh?" Ixthia asked.

  "The wonderful human here," Nexxali gestured at me grandly, "single-handedly helped us defeat a secret crystalloid commando group armed with forty thralls… which Commander Sillicia missed since they were roaming outside of their compound... looking for two hundred humans to open their escape gate!”

  The Legate's head tilted.

  “He identified the threat, provided critical intelligence, and even assisted in the tactical assault! When the crystalloid thralls ambushed and killed Knight Zyra and Scrutimancer Nadera overwhelming my party with greater numbers, he threw himself into danger to protect Division assets… err, my life!"

  "He did?" Galateya blinked.

  "He sure DID," Nexxali said firmly, shooting her a look. “The dastardly vampires had a secret artifact weapon that disrupted our Corpse Seeker. Just when things looked darkest, Knight Galateya arrived to assist us! Her heroic arrival atop of a glider helped us turn the tide against the vamps! It was textbook inter-species cooperation!"

  Ixthia's glowing silver eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "This human truly helped eliminate an entire crystalloid commando group?"

  "Absolutely!" Nexxali nodded enthusiastically. "Bravely using their own weapons against them! He's proven himself an invaluable asset! One that I wish to keep on as my… pet... err... personal assistant, with your approval of course. My assessment is that he is incredibly loyal, intelligent, and completely devoted to supporting Frontenachii operations. A perfect example of local obedience. Also, he… just made me lunch and served us all tea!"

  "How fascinating," Ixthia mused, studying me through the projection. "What's your name, human?"

  "Ashcroft Clifford," I said carefully, not sure where Nexxali’s tall tales were taking me.

  "Well… Ashcroft Clifford," the Legate smiled. It was the kind of smile that suggested she was already three moves ahead in whatever game she was playing. "You've just become very important to my plans."

  "I have?"

  "Indeed. Galateya, my spawnling, you'll take this human as your first consort."

  "WHAT?!" Galateya's scales went supernova white, steam literally rising from her crystalline hair.

  “What!?” Nexxali choke-hissed, her plans to adopt me as her pet obliterated in a flash.

  In her catnip-induced state, the Serval girl had marketed me too well.