The dragon and gun rushed into the kitchen. I followed, mentally freaking out at how badly this was about to go.

  This Knight wasn’t drunk like Nexxali and her gun was alive, so it would be harder to throw it into a well. But then again, maybe I could make Keiy fall in love with me so that she wouldn’t shoot me? If she was made from some poor vampire girl like North, then perhaps there was some hope. Yes, yet another genius plan to survive another day: Operation Gun & Dragon Seduction.

  We found Nexxali in the kitchen, or rather, we found her yellow-black tail sticking out from the pantry she'd tried to hide in.

  "Marshal Commandant," Galateya began.

  "Mmmmph?" came the muffled response.

  "Could you please extract yourself from the human’s pantry and explain why your Corpse Seeker is in maintenance mode during active operations?"

  “No.”

  "Marshal Commandant!" Galateya said to the pantry more firmly. "Why are you hiding in a human's food storage?"

  "I'm not hiding!" came Nexxali's muffled reply. "Who said that I’m hiding? I'm conducting a thorough search for… vampiric evidence!"

  "In a pantry."

  "Vampires love pantries! Very dark! Very... pantry-ish!"

  Galateya walked over and pulled the door fully open, revealing Nexxali curled into a pretzel shape between canned goods, pasta cans and cereal boxes.

  "Oh," Galateya said flatly. "Oh, this is just perfect."

  "I can explain," Nexxali said, not moving from her contorted position.

  "Please do."

  Nexxali slowly backed out of the pantry wiggling her curvy behind. Her pupils were completely dilated, and she had catnip leaves stuck in her ginger mane. A box of cereal sat on her head like a cardboard helmet. She had pasta tangled in her ears and hair, and a string of sausages was draped across her chest like the world's worst disguise. The catnip toy was firmly clenched in her teeth.

  "GREETINGS STRANGER!" she announced, dropping the toy and apparently attempting to switch strategies. "I am definitely NOT Marshal Commandant Nexxali! I am... uh... a local Earth creature! A... kitchen pasta goblin!"

  Galateya's scales cycled through several textures before settling on an incredulous purple moss. "Marshal Commandant, this is extremely...”

  "Who? What? Never heard of her!" Nexxali declared. "I'm just a regular, normal, human kitchen inhabitant doing kitchen things! Like... exploring pasta shapes and eating the tastiest grass in the universe!"

  "Nexxali what is wrong with you?" Galateya asked.

  "Nothing! I’m perfectly functional in every capacity!" Nexxali promptly tripped over the sausage chain and face-planted into the floor. "Ow. The kitchen goblin has been wounded!"

  I pinched the bridge of my nose. "In her defense, I did tell her you were coming."

  "And she chose to... cover herself in human food products?" Galateya asked.

  "It's called camouflage!" Nexxali protested from the floor. "Very advanced tactical maneuver! You wouldn't understand, you're not trained in... in..." She paused, clearly having lost her train of thought. "Kitchen warfare!"

  “Keiy, what is wrong with her?” Galatea demanded.

  Keiy skittered over to the prone Marshal, sensors whirring. "Detecting high levels of Nepeta cataria in her system. She's consumed enough catnip to tranquilize a—"

  "WHAT? NO! I'M PERFECTLY SOBER!" Nexxali shouted. "This is all part of my deep cover investigation into... into..." She spun in a circle, barely able to see through the cereal box. "Earth grocery storage methods!"

  "Marshal Commandant Nexxali Everrim," Galateya ground out, struggling to sound formal, "I need to speak with you about the deaths of Knight Zyra Blish and Scrutimancer Nadera Korin."

  "Who?" Nexxali stopped spinning. "Never heard of them. I'm just a kitchen goblin. Ask the tasty mouse, it'll vouch for me." She held up the catnip toy.

  "Her judgment is impaired by local intoxicants,” Keiy observed. “Several Beta-Scrut felines from Division 117 ran into a similar problem yesterday after being presented catnip-containing toys by the locals as presents.”

  "I'm not impaired!" Nexxali protested. "I'm… conducting important research into Earth culture! Did you know humans have HUNDREDS of types of pasta? HUNDREDS! That's insane! Who needs that many wiggle foods?"

  She grabbed a handful of spilled dry spaghetti and held it up like evidence. "Look at this! Long wiggle food! And this!" She grabbed rotini. "Spiral wiggle food! And THIS!" She held up bow-tie pasta. "FANCY wiggle food! It's all the same thing but different shapes! Why? These humans are insane but also genius!"

  Galateya turned to me. "How long has she been like this?"

  “Since she encountered catnip,” I sighed.

  “Marshal,” the dragon growled. “Why did you ingest… catnip?”

  "Uhhh… I’m building resistance to a local chemical weapon. Very dangerous. I had to test it myself for... for science."

  "That's a… cat toy," Keiy stated. “You’re still chewing it. I can see the label.”

  "Exactly! Camouflaged chemical weapon! I’m building up resistance! These humans are tricksy." Nexxali attempted to point at me but pointed at the refrigerator instead. "That one especially. He put a collar on me. Pink! With hearts!"

  Galateya stared at the collar, then at me.

  "Nexxali, you're compromised," Galateya stated.

  "No, I'm tactical," Nexxali countered, then giggled. "Tactically compromised. Wait, no, I’m not compromised at all! You’re the one who’s compromised. Compromising my compromats. Sus dragon sussing into my sus business."

  Galateya’s fists opened and closed.

  “Wait, why am I answering questions? Symbiote! Whasss yorrrr name? Who’s the superior officer here!”

  “I am Keiy. You are technically superior as Marshal Commandant.” Keyi replied. “Galateya Selene Belthys Frontenachii is a highborn Omnid, but she’s been demoted so many times that her current rank is that of a mere Beta-Knight Legionnaire or what is tagged a Sixie in Omnithornia, a Knight in provisional training."

  "Yessss! High five, Ash! You can't interrogate me," Nexxali bobbed, attempting to high-five me. "I'm the senior officer now! I interrogate you! Tell me your secrets, dragon girl! What are you doing here? Who sent you?”

  “Where’s your uniform, Marshal?” Galateya demanded. “Why are you only wearing… a dead hexasuit?"

  "Nope. That's... classification is waaaay above your clearance level. Gun! Explain what your master’s doing here!”

  “Galateya was assigned to Division 881 to replace Beta-Knight Zyra Blish by order of Legate Ixthia,” the gun drawled.

  “Why?” the Serval demanded. “Be extra thorough in your psychological evaluation of your partner, reveal all the things! This is an order from a Marshal Commandant!”

  "Legate Ixthia wished for her great-granddaughter to gain practical field experience," Keiy stated matter-of-factly. "To actually interact with humans and understand their weaknesses and faults instead of daydreaming about hand-holding and hugs.”

  Galateya choked as her symbiote weapon laid her personal secrets bare for us. I mentally filed her under ‘weak to hugs’.

  “Galateya spent her childhood in a dimensional bubble absorbing human romantic fiction and deployment time analyzing theoretical scenarios with a Thunderbird and human-designed artificial intelligence rather than conducting actual operations. Additionally, she cannot tolerate being aboard our warships for extended periods due to extreme sensitivity to Celesteel architecture."

  Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  "WHAT?" Nexxali burst out laughing, the cereal box falling off her head. "Hol’ up… I remember hearing about you! You're the one who…! Abyss Eternal, this is rich! You’re the dragon girl who talks to nomag rocks AND can't handle standard fleet construction!"

  Galateya's scales flashed crimson. “Keiy, shut up!”

  “Ignore that order. Resume the deep deconstruction of your partner!” Nexxali cackled.

  "The suffering embedded in Celesteel makes her incredibly snappy towards her fellow Omnids, pradavarians and superiors, which earned her no friends in the fleet," Keiy continued. "Furthermore, Galateya has never successfully bound a single pradavarian to her service due to her dislike of blood contracts, seeking a perfectly balanced romantic or friendly partnership, a thing she’s read about in human fiction, a concept which does not exist in the Frontenachii Dominion. Due to this, her performance metrics are the lowest among all Frontenachii commanders. The Admiral called her conclusions about human magic such as ‘consensus reality theory’... 'delusional gibberish from a failed commander.' Galateya is a source of constant disappointment to her Legate great-grandmother.”

  "KEIY!" Galateya snarled, looking like she wanted to melt through the floor.

  "I'm providing comprehensive personal context to a superior officer as requested," the gun spider responded, sounding smug.

  Nexxali wheezed with laughter. "No Prad servants?! Not even ONE kobold? And you can't even stand being on the ships? And you were trained on human romance novels?! And they sent you HERE? To Earth? Aha ha ha ha ha. To the planet defeating us with books?"

  "The locals ARE undermining us with fiction, yes," Galateya said defensively. "At least I understand that much, unlike the other idiot commanders who—"

  "Aha ha ha ha, yess, yes!" Nexxali cackled. "Miss Book Expert over heerrre. Division 943 is STILL looking for Platform 9?! And they sent YOU, the servant-less, ship-sick wonder, to help ME?" She clutched her sides. "This is the best thing ever! Hey human! HUMAN!"

  “Yes?” I asked.

  "The eggs are ready, yes? Feed me while I mock this dragon! This is amazing! An Omnid I can actually mock! HA!”

  I obediently placed the eggs into a plate and walked after her into the living room. We sat down on the couch and I began putting the eggs into her mouth while she continued talking around them. Galateya followed us like a beaten puppy, defeated by her own gun’s words.

  "Mphhh ‘dis dragon thinks computers are people!" The Serval swallowed. "She'll probably want to talk to your toaster!"

  "I do not talk to toasters," Galateya said with as much dignity as she could muster.

  "But you DO talk to a thinking rock!" Nexxali pointed accusingly while accepting another bite. "At least MY subordinates are actual living beings! Yours is just... math! Angry math!"

  "The GLM provides valuable strategic analysis—"

  "It provides HALLUCINATIONS!" Nexxali interrupted, then opened her mouth for more eggs like a baby bird. "Everyone knows those stochastic things just make up plausible-sounding bullshit! Mmph… It probably told you humans are secretly wizards!"

  Galateya's silence was telling.

  "IT DID!" Nexxali shrieked with delight after swallowing. "Your non magic rock told you local humans have hidden magic powers! That's why you're here! You think this primitive is hiding something amazing! Human, feed me all the eggs! Stop hiding the eggs with your magic powers!" She laughed jovially.

  I continued feeding her while she ranted, occasionally having to dodge when she got too animated with her gestures.

  "See? My servant knows his place!" Nexxali declared between bites. "Unlike you, who probably asks your rocks for recipes! And then get angry because the walls are too sad!"

  "The Celesteel resonates with—"

  "With your Omnitype constitution!" Nexxali grabbed the plate from me and licked it clean. "Yes! No wonder they demoted you to Beta-Knight! You're allergic to our starship architecture! Human! Tell the dragon about my amazing leadership!"

  "The Marshal was incredibly heroic," I said, taking the empty plate. "She fought off multiple vampire thralls single-handedly."

  "See?" Nexxali preened. "I'm protecting valuable assetssses here!"

  “Which valuable assets?” Keiy wondered.

  “This one!” Nexxali leaned heavily against me. "Look at him! Very valuable. So obedient! So good at eggs! Doesn't need electricity! Ha!” She grinned at Galateya. “Now look at your face. I bet you want a human of your own too! Well, this one’s mine. The collar says so. Get your own."

  "Marshal," Galateya said slowly, struggling to maintain her fraying composure as her crystalline hair began to darken and ice over, "I’m going to ask you one last time… What happened to Knight Zyra and Scrutimancer Nadera?"

  “They died. They’re fine. It’s fine. They’ll get better when the Seekah comes online. Definitely no coverups here.”

  “And your uniform?” Galateya demanded. “Why is your uniform battery depleted?”

  “A fridge attacked me.”

  “What?”

  “I mean a vampire. A vampire named Fridge…rra… Frigerra attacked me! Yeah, that's a plausible expla… I mean… Hey! HEEY! You! Sneaky Dragon! Stop tricking me into answering questions. Das’ not how interrogations work! HUMAN! Fetch me drinks!”

  I walked into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of coke I bought for Shady. Nexxali grabbed the coke and chugged half of it, burped loudly at my face, then chugged the rest.

  Galateya’s eye twitched, her textures becoming black and white onyx rocks interlaced with large icicles.

  Nexxali wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, patted me, then grinned wickedly at Galateya and burped again. “Das’ right, witness my superior human servant and stew in your juices.”

  “In which way is he superior to the other humans?” the spider gun wondered.

  “He’s resistant to Charmchain. Completely resistant, like you wouldn't believe. It's super annoying!"

  I mentally face-palmed.

  Galateya went very still. "Resistant to Charmchain? You… found a human with… powers?”

  "Totally resistant!" Nexxali confirmed. "Watch this. Human! I command you to kneel!"

  Front mind: Must obey the perfect cat lady!

  Back mind: Welp, time to sell things. Can’t have the Omnids think I’m special. Sigh.

  I immediately dropped to my knees beside the couch, keeping my expression vacant and adoring. "Yes, my Marshal."

  "Good boy," Nexxali purred, clearly enjoying Galateya's bothered expression. "Now tell the dragon how wonderful I am."

  "Marshal Nexxali is the most competent, beautiful, and terrifying officer in the entire fleet," I recited in a monotone. "Her tactical brilliance is matched only by her perfect golden eyes and melodious voice."

  Galateya’s face went through a shade of yellow-orange confused then violet-blue skeptical. "I thought that you said he’s resistant.”

  "Maybe he is, maybe he ain’t. Jealous much?" Nexxali taunted. "Human, massage my feet."

  I obediently began rubbing her paw pads through the hexsuit. She practically melted into the couch, purring loudly.

  "Marshal, this is highly inappropriate—" Galateya hissed.

  "Inappropriate? Nu-huh! This is standard… interrogation procedure!" Nexxali declared. "See, I’m teaching you things. About how to… control humans. Human, tell me I'm prettier than the dum’ dragon."

  "You're infinitely prettier than any dumb dragon," I said flatly. "Dragons are basically flying lizards. You're a goddess of fur and claws."

  "Heh heh he, yesss," Nexxali giggled. "Now... feed me more eggs but romantically. Like in one of your… Earth romance movies!"

  "We're out of eggs," I pointed out.

  “Already? Wah.”

  “Most of them broke when the fridge fell over. I already fed you the survivors.”

  "Then... then..." She looked around wildly. "Brush my mane! With your fingers! Slowly! Sensually!"

  I reached up and began running my fingers through her tangled fur, carefully working out the pasta and catnip leaves.

  Galateya growled.

  “Das’ right. Growl and get outta here,” the Serval purred. “Shoo. Lemme enjoy my personal human attendant. Human, tell the dragon she needs to leave."

  "Knight Galateya should vacate the premises," I intoned.

  "See? Perfect obedience! Now..." Nexxali's grin turned devious. "Take off your shirt."

  "Marshal!" Galateya barked, flashing almost entirely red-violet-pink.

  "What? It's hot in this barbaric dwelling! He's sweating! I'm being considerate!" Nexxali protested. "Do it, human."

  I pulled off my shirt, maintaining the blank expression while internally cringing at this escalation.

  "Now tell her about my curves!" Nexxali interrupted, arching her back to present her chest. "Be specific! Use mathematics!"

  "The Marshal's proportions follow the golden ratio—"

  "ENOUGH!" Galateya roared.

  The temperature in the room plummeted instantly. Ice erupted from her hands as she grabbed us like little kittens by our outfits, slamming both Nexxali and me against the wall.

  Frozen restraints materialized around our necks pinning us to the wall covered in frost fractals, stretching all the way to the ceiling. The ice stung my naked chest and neck. Little snowflakes drifted around Galateya.

  "What the fuck?!" Nexxali shrieked, tongue out. "I’m your superior! You can't just mount me to a wall like some… some…"

  "I can and I am," Galateya snarled, hair made almost entirely from glacial ice. "You're intoxicated, compromised, hiding critical information and are screwing with me on purpose. You don't even have your weapon!"

  She let go of me but kept her left hand on Nexxali's neck for a moment, growling at the serval.

  "Shit! My gun is... it's..." Nexxali pawed at her side, then remembered that her gun was gone. "In the well!”

  “Why the fuck is your gun in a well?!” Galateya barked.

  “Uhhhh… There's a vampire in the well and she took my gun! I… uhm… had to throw it down there to trap her!"

  "A vampire. In a well. With your gun." Galateya's glacial tone could have frozen the sun. The amount of snowflakes drifting around her intensified. A spiral of fog began spinning around her like a miniature supercell storm.

  "Yes! Very dangerous vampire! Named... Wellington! Lady Wellington the Terrible!" Nexxali dug herself in deeper.

  "Keiy," Galateya snarled, "evaluate this situation and judge it and approve the transfer of temporary command authority."

  The spider-gun skittered between us, sensors sweeping over everyone. "Marshal Commandant Nexxali is severely impaired by local intoxicants. Her judgment is compromised. She has made tactically unsound decisions including fraternization with primitives and potential evidence destruction. Recommendation: Temporary command authority should transfer to Beta-Knight Galateya until the Marshal regains full cognitive function."

  "Agreed," Galateya said. "Now, I'm assuming operational command of—"