"Hum. Why would a clever human like you expose a vampire nest, thus giving more weapons to the fleet that's invaded his planet?" The catnip-stuffed cat girl attempted to make conclusions about me as I cracked another egg into the pan to make us late breakfast.

  "Contemplate harder," I shrugged. "See what conclusions you can arrive at."

  The serval girl squinted at me, chewing on the toy mouse. "Uhhh... Let me theeeeeenk. Wait... wait wait wait. The crystalloids were assembling a dimensional gate when we plowed them from orbit. I read Kawathra's report about it before I set out to look for stragglers and possible human hostages..."

  "And?"

  "And gates like that..." She swayed slightly, fighting through the catnip to focus. "Ugh... What did that annoying bird's report say? Right! The lich artifact we found required... soul sacrifices to power it! The energy conversion estimated ratio was... approximately two hundred baseline sapients? Yeah, that's it! That's why I went out and ran into you!"

  "A very steep price to flee a planet. I do hope there weren't any humans at the compound when it was nuked."

  "Nah. Orbital scan would have detected human life signs. There weren't any. The vamps didn't have the time to collect 'em, I guess. Slayer!" Nexxali stared at me. "You saved two hundred humans from being ground up into paste by exposing the vamp nest to us!"

  I nodded.

  Her whiskers twitched as she processed further. "But that's not even the worst part. The gate had a self-destruct sequence set to activate once all of the vamps were through. If the fleet had detected an active dimensional gate opening... which we absolutely would... without knowing about existence of the vamps on this Earth..." She trailed off, her expression growing horrified. "The Admiral would have assumed Princess Aquillianne escaped through it. She'd think the Emperor was a filthy liar and that the agreement to see the Princess in three days was voided by her Kobold Administrator!"

  "And what would happen then? What does Admiral Evelithria usually do to species and Lords of nations who deceive her?" I prompted.

  "She'd go after national leaders in her rage. Punish everyone working for the Emperor, splice them all into wall art. And... she'd drop a moon chunk on your most populated city... as promised." Nexxali let out with a wince. "Tokyo has, what, thirty-ish million people in the greater metropolitan area?"

  "Thirty-eight million," I corrected.

  The serval Pradavarian stared at me with wide eyes, then began a slow, drawn-out clap. "Bravo, you magnificent bastard. You weaponized our own invasion force to eliminate a vampire nest, saved two hundred people from soul sacrifice, and prevented the obliteration of thirty-eight million more." She laughed, a slightly hysterical edge to it. "And you made it look like the locals helping us... Consider this officer extra-impressed!"

  The eggs were sizzling nicely in the pan when my entire house decided to vibrate like a tuning fork. The windows rattled, dishes clinked in the cabinets, and a fine layer of dust cascaded from the ceiling beams.

  The sound intensified, like someone had strapped jet engines to a freight train and told it to do donuts around my property.

  Nexxali shrieked, hopping up cat-style from her position on the kitchen floor, where she'd been contentedly gnawing on catnip toys while ostensibly "supervising" my cooking. Her golden eyes went wide as another wave of deafening noise hammered across the house.

  "Sounds like one of yours," I shouted over the din. “Any idea who it might be?”

  "How the shit would I know?!" She tried to stand, wobbled, then gave up and crawled to the nearest window on all fours, squinting out. "I'm officially off-duty! In maintenance mode! Like my Seeker! Very important maintenance involving… delicious grass sampling!"

  Through the kitchen window, I caught a glimpse of something black and angular screaming past at an altitude that definitely violated several FAA regulations. The glider banked hard, circling the property like a very large, very loud predatory bird.

  "Shit, shit, shit," Nexxali muttered, pressing her face and smooshing her snout against the glass. "Military glider. Someone from the fleet is here for some reason."

  "I thought you said the Seeker was in maintenance mode for four more hours and that nobody would bother our lunch?"

  "It IS! Which means someone decided to bypass standard gate-in protocols and—" Her eyes went wide. "Oh fuck. Oh fuck me sideways with a ceremonial spear."

  "What?"

  "That's an Omnid frame, not a Prad one. Strand Mark VII! Look at the red stripes! Only Wendigo commanders get those!" She spun to face me, catnip toy mouse dangling from her mouth. "There's a fucking Frontenachii about to land in your driveway! Congratulations, we’re dead. Extra, super dead. Welp, it was nice knowing you… you cute, sneaky human."

  The engine noise cut off abruptly to a whine of gravitic stabilizers as the glider descended.

  "You must hide me," Nexxali hissed, diving behind the kitchen island. "If they see me like this, I'm beyond dead. I'm gonna be turned into boot polish!"

  "You—"

  "I'm compromised six ways to Sunday!" She flailed. "Tell them I'm conducting a thorough investigation somewhere… far away! Tell them I'm interrogating you! Tell them anything except that I'm currently too high to stand up straight!"

  I glanced out the window. A figure in black armor dismounted from the glider. Unlike the Wendigo skull-faces I'd seen thus far, this one had an alligator-style snout and scales that shifted between reds and golds, with crystalline hair that undulated between frozen water and gem curtains. More importantly, she looked very irritated.

  "Who’s that?" I asked as the alien and its spider gun went into the Corpse Seeker.

  “Ughhhhh,” Nexxali squinted. “I don’t know. An Omnid, obviously. Doesn’t look like a Prad. See how her colors and scales are wiggling? They’re wiggling right? I can’t tell, I’m mega high.”

  “Yes,” I agreed. “Her colors are wiggling. She’s some kind of a rainbow dragon or something?”

  “Uhhh… I think she’s a… Taniwha. Das’ it.” The Serval finally concluded. “Natural shape-shifting.”

  “Anything else useful?”

  “I dunno, my suit’s dead and my Seeker’s offline” Nexxali hissed, ducking down and wiggling on all fours toward the pantry. “Just make her go away! Use your irresistible human charm or whatever!”

  “Weaknesses? Skills? Give me something to work with, damn it!”

  “Ughhhh…” the Serval groaned, halfway into the pantry. “They can control water and other rando’ elements, shapeshift to contro’ elements better… and uhh…”

  “Can she read minds like the Wendigos? Boss people with words like you? Determine if I’m lying?”

  “Nope, nope and nope.”

  I relaxed. “Great. No mental powers then?”

  “Ye ye. Shhh. I’m not here.”

  I smiled at the cat hiding in my kitchen pantry, closed the door behind me, walked through the hall, pocketed my house key, opened the door and stepped out onto the damaged porch. I snapped the door shut behind me, trying to project an air of casual confidence at the irritated-looking dragon girl standing in my driveway.

  "Can I help you, Miss...?" I called out, keeping my tone friendly but not overly welcoming.

  The scaled Omnid looked at me, her crystalline hair catching the morning light like a waterfall made of diamonds.

  "I am Knight Galateya Frontenachii of… Division 881," she announced, her voice carrying an odd resonance, like multiple tones harmonizing, almost like her voice was being auto-tuned to sound musical. "I'm looking for Marshal Commandant Nexxali Everrim. Her Corpse Seeker is here." She pointed at the Omnid tank.

  The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  "Yeah, it's been sitting there for a while," I glanced toward the safe-mode crystalline centipede casually occupying my driveway like the world's most expensive and also currently useless security system. "Thought that maybe one of your space towing trucks would come down and pick it up or something."

  “Are you the owner of this property? State your name for the record.” Her spider gun stated as it flashed a red beam across my body.

  “Ashcroft Clifford,” I said, blinking red spots out of my eyes.

  Galateya's scales very slowly shifted from silver-violets to orange-yellows as she strode closer. "When did you last see Marshal Commandant Nexxali?"

  "A while ago. Kind of not paying attention to much stuff except for staring at aliens on TV making presidents surrender." I shrugged. "She went off to do… alien military things, I assume. Maybe into town to make the mayor surrender. Isn’t that what you aliens do?”

  "Military things," Galateya repeated flatly. "You're being deliberately vague."

  "And you're being deliberately tall, sparkly and intimidating," I countered. "Standing in my driveway with your fancy armor and color-changing scales. What even are you? Not a Wendigo like the others."

  "I'm a Taniwha," she said.

  "Which is...?"

  "None of your concern." She moved up the porch stairs. "I need to inspect the premises."

  "Whoa there, big dragon lady." I stepped to block her path. "You can't just barge into my house. We have laws here. Property rights. Ever heard of them?"

  Galateya's scales flashed icy blue. "Your… primitive legal constructs don't apply to Frontenachii operations."

  "Uh-huh, except according to your Admiral's broadcast, Earth is under Frontenachii rule now. Which means your laws apply here too, right? And I'm betting even your empire has protocols about entering private dwellings without cause. Our vice-president signed a surrender. Aren’t all of us property of your Princess thanks to our Emperor too? So unless you have some kind of warrant or probable cause—”

  “You don’t have an Emperor,” she stated.

  I opened my mouth to argue about my own made up existence.

  “Do you take me for a fool?” She asked. “Presume me an absolute brainless imbecile like the others?” Her mane gradually turned ruby-red.

  "I wouldn’t presume such things about such a fine lady," I smiled jovially. "You're obviously the smartest, most observant, most stunningly scaled officer to grace my driveway today. Those crystalline hair strands? And the way your scales shift colors? It's like watching a sunset that could probably kill me with a single smack."

  Galateya's expression didn't change. "Flattery to distract me? How… tedious."

  "It's not flattery if it's true! You're literally glowing. Is that a Taniwha thing? Because it's working. The bioluminescence? Very intimidating yet lovely. You’re definitely a sight for sore eyes after seeing all of those dark, spooky antlerred…”

  "Stop." Her voice sharpened. "You were in that vehicle with Marshal Commandant Nexxali.” She pointed at my red jeep. “What were you doing with her?"

  "Would you believe me if I said we were discussing Earth's infrastructure?"

  "No."

  "How about reviewing local governance structures?"

  "No."

  "Exchanging cultural perspectives on the nature of conquest?"

  "You're stalling." Galateya stepped closer. "Keiy, analyze the human's chemical signature for deception markers."

  The spider-gun extended a sensor array toward me. "Elevated heart rate, perspiration, minor pupil dilation. Classic stress responses. The human is hiding something significant."

  "I'm stressed because there's a giant, pretty dragon lady and her adorable talking gun-spider on my porch!" I protested. "That's a totally normal human response!"

  “Adorable?” The gun repeated.

  “Totally adorable!” I nodded. “Can I hug you? What’s your name, cutie?”

  The gun made a confused noise, trio of red eyes flickering. “My designation is… Keiy.”

  “Like a house key?” I asked. “Did Galya name you?”

  “She… did.”

  “Do you like it?”

  “It is an adequate name.”

  “Where is Marshal Commandant Nexxali, human?" Galateya ground out, interjecting herself into our conversation.

  "I honestly don't know where she went," I said, which was technically true. I didn't know exactly which shelf in the pantry she was currently hiding behind.

  "But you know something," Galateya pressed. "The Marshal was here. She entered your domicile.”

  “The Marshal explicitly ordered me not to let anyone bother her as she’s investigating…” I began and found myself pushed aside by a large dragon girl’s hand. It wasn't aggressive, just... inevitable. Like trying to stop a glacier.

  She reached for my front door and wiggled the knob, failing to open it. “Open the door, human,” She ordered.

  "You know," I said, "for an advanced civilization, you all have terrible manners."

  "Manners are a luxury for species that aren't in the middle of conquering a planet. Five seconds to open your door before I break it.”

  “I’m charmed by your lovely Marshal’s divine voice,” I said. “I cannot let you in.”

  “Keiy,” Galateya growled.

  The spider-gun extended a thin probe toward the lock, then paused. "The lock is a primitive mechanical construction. Should I breach it?"

  "Wait!" I said quickly. "That's destruction of property! Marshal Commandant Nexxali specifically told me she'd be back to complete her investigation. She said if anyone tried to interfere, I should document it for her report."

  Galateya's scales shifted to suspicious oranges. "Document what exactly?"

  "Operational interference by other divisions," I said, pulling out my tablet. "She was very specific. Said something about jurisdictional protocols and chain of command. I don't understand all your military stuff, but she seemed pretty serious about nobody messing with her investigation site."

  "Investigation of what?" Galateya's eyes narrowed.

  "The vampire incident. Thralls attacked some of your people here, right? The Marshal said this was an active crime scene."

  Galateya’d had enough of my ramblings, her hand going to the door. This time when she tried the handle, she simply twisted harder and pulled until the door frame broke. Frost spread across the lock and door in bewildering patterns.

  "Hey! That's breaking and entering!" I protested, following her inside. “I'm documenting this criminality!”

  "File a complaint with the occupation authority," she said, striding through my hallway.

  "Keiy!” I pleaded. “Document this injustice and file it to your superiors! She broke my front door! I demand compensation of one gold cube for historic lock replacement!”

  “Listen here, you irritating, small, cheeky human.” Galateya growled. “My symbiote weapon does not need to listen to you, nor report anything to anyone.”

  "Keiy is an independent thinker!" I protested. "Aren't you, Keiy? You have your own beautiful thoughts and opinions, yes?"

  The spider-gun's trio of eyes swiveled between me and Galateya. "I... do possess autonomous cognitive functions, yes."

  "See? She's not just a tool. She's a wonderful person! With feelings!"

  "Stop trying to manipulate my partner," Galateya snapped, moving into my living room. "The Marshal was here. Recently. I can smell her."

  "There was a fight here," Keiy stated. “It was cleaned up.”

  "Yeah, some vampire tried to kidnap me earlier," I said, following the dragon and her gun. "Your Marshal saved me. Very heroic. Lots of shooting. I was kind of busy being traumatized. Lots of your people have been here. It's like a… Grand Central Station for aliens! First the Wendigo, then the vampires, then catgirls, now a rainbow dragon. I should start charging admission."

  "What Wendigo?" Galateya's scales shifted to bright orange gems as she spun to face me fully.

  "Tall, dark, antlers?" I gestured vaguely upward. "Very intense. Showed up out of nowhere, made a mess, then left when the mountain exploded. Your Marshal asked me about her too."

  "Describe this Wendigo. Precisely." Galateya's voice had lost all pretense of casual investigation.

  "Like I told the Marshal—big, scary, lots of teeth. Black fur? She was very... grabby." I showed my bruised wrists. "Not gentle at all."

  Galateya's scales cycled through several colors and textures. "A Frontenachii was here. In this primitive dwelling. And Marshal Nexxali knew about it."

  "She seemed pretty interested when I mentioned it," I said. "Asked lots of questions. Made me describe everything multiple times."

  "And the Marshal's investigation concluded...?"

  "I don't know what she concluded. She just kept asking about the Wendigo and the vampires, then said she had to file reports or something."

  Keiy skittered closer, sensors extended. "Analyzing bruise patterns. Consistent with Wendigo grip."

  "Did she identify herself?" Galateya demanded.

  I shrugged. "She wasn't exactly chatty. More... action-oriented? The vampires showing up really pissed her off though. She destroyed them pretty thoroughly."

  "The vampires came here?"

  "Yes."

  Galateya's crystalline hair chimed as she began pacing. "A Frontenachii. Here. Destroying crystalloids. And Nexxali covered it up."

  "Covered what up?" I asked innocently.

  "The Admiral would want to know if one of her commanders was conducting unauthorized operations on the surface," Galateya muttered, more to herself than me. "Unless..."

  “Unless it was the Admiral herself?” I offered. “Or another fleet commander?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, the Admiral and her Legates haven’t gotten out of the Voidblood pool at the Pleasure Deck and Entertainment deck for longer than five minutes since we crossed into this dimension,” Galateya huffed. “They value their black feathery butts too much and the local Aetheric linearity disagrees with Elder Omnid bodies. Great-grandmother told me herself how unpleasant it is to be out of the…”

  The Taniwha closed her mouth, noticing that I was paying rapt attention.

  “Ah! I’ve been deceived. I freaking knew it!” A feline voice came from the kitchen.

  In hindsight attempting to hide a very catnip-high, chatty cat in my kitchen was a terrible plan.