ANNA S LVL 4 (LL)

  Race: Human | Class: Pulse Phantom

  I freeze. The cyberpunk puffs her cigarette, cocks the pistol, and presses it firmly into the side of my head. “Where do you think you’re going, old man?”

  The icon over her head indicates she’s a LivingLegend. She knows I’m real. She’s stuck in some HumanAsset hospital bed, just like I am.

  Is she really going to shoot me, knowing we’re the same?

  “Hey! Knock it off!” I hear a shout from behind me. “He’s ours!”

  “Eat a bag of d§cks, sh§tbrain.” Someone behind cyberlady shouts. “This is our island!”

  I blink and realize I am trapped in the middle of a twelve-way Mexican Standoff.

  Behind the cyberlady is a party of 6 players with RiftElite badges and lots of guns. A title over their team reads Weapons of Ass Destruction. On the other side of the jungle clearing, 6 more RiftElite players titled Trainwreck Bros. are doing the same. A dozen weapons are pointed at each other, but no one fires.

  Not yet.

  I glance at the cyberlady. “Don’t do anything stupid,” Anna S whispers. “Or we’re both dead.”

  “We paid for him,” yells one of the Trainwreck Bros, an overmuscled gym rat in a sleeveless breastplate with CHEST DAY spray-painted on it in neon orange. “Hand him over!”

  

  Player: UMadBro lvl3 Smitegeist

  Race: Subhuman | Damage: Class III

  RiftElite Battle Pass Member | Gametime: 81.2 hours

  [Trainwreck Bros] Team Leader

  

  EmpathyEngine?: Sir Yes Sir!

  You just met your new boss! It’s your first day on the job, and there’s never a second chance a first impression! Maybe put on a shirt! Remember: You set the tone, so strive to be positive! Start with a joke! Recommended Dialogue: “Why did the manager bring a ladder to the office? Because he wanted to take his work to the next level!”

  “You frag ours, we frag yours, sh§tbird.” UMadBro growls at the other team.

  “No!” Pepper yells at the lady holding a gun on me. The penguin’s eyes suddenly glow hot pink. “Don’t you hurt my mommy!”

  

  Mirror Mirror

  Suddenly, there are not one but two cyberwomen as Pepper’s Mesmerist spell doubles the lady. One points the gun at my head, the other points the gun at her head. “If you hurt him,” Pepper squeaks, clearly scared. “You’ll only hurt yourself!”

  Neon blue cigarette smoke curls from the LivingLegend’s mouth as she stares down her doppleganger. She moves her gun away; so does her double. She aims it at the mirror image; it does the same. She chuckles through blue smoke and smiles at Pepper. “That’s a good trick.”

  Anna S uncocks her gun. “Forget it, guys. Let them have their…” She lowers her eyes to me. “Dirty bum.” She whirls the gun on one finger and slips it into her thigh holster with a snap. “We’re making it up Mount Tripwire to the saferoom, and we’re leaving these nimrods in our dust. Move out!”

  She winks at me, leads her squad into the trees, and disappears.

  “You’re the nimrods, nimrods!” yells UMadBro. “You bitches are never going to make it to Lernaean before us! Bitches!”

  My new boss is an eloquent man.

  

  New Quest! The Dragon That Wouldn’t Die

  Princess Penelope VII has been kidnapped by the great dragon Lernaean, and you have to rescue her before she becomes wyrm food! But Mount Tripwire isn’t just a climb—it’s a death sentence with a view. To get to the top, you’ll have to pass explosive traps, magical curses, and an entire army of murderous jungle cats who really hate tourists. This is a No Participation Trophy quest – the first squad to save the princess wins it all.

  Difficulty: Veteran | Lvl5 Party

  Dragon’s Lair Treasure: 1500XP | 1,000,000 gold ea. | Exotic LootBox x5 | Quest Prize x2 | Unique Badge: Dragonslayer

  Great. A level 5 quest and I’m only level 3. I’m way out of my league here. But there’s a million gold on the line; that’ll pay off a big chunk of my debt.

  “I saved you, Dave!” Pepper helps me to my feet as another alert pops up.

  

  EmpathyEngine?: Suggested Dialogue

  “Sup, team. Name’s DDD. I’ll find the traps, you grab the loot. Teamwork makes the dream work!” (Be sure to smile!) ??

  Steaming monkey farts. I don’t want to spout these canned lines. But if I’m going to stay alive, I need to play HumanAsset’s game. At least until I figure out a way to break it.

  I grit my teeth. “Sup, team. Name’s… Dave. I find the traps, you grab the loot. Teamwork makes the dream work.” I try to smile, but it feels more like I’m stapling a grin on a corpse.

  It doesn’t matter. None of them is paying attention to me.

  One of them jumps up and down next to a stone wall, stuck in a corner. Another cycles through cosmetic Skins, lands on a female one, and grows his boobs to the size of watermelons. A third guns down a gorilla and mashes his balls into its face while a fourth takes pictures. A fifth drops a landmine at his own feet and blows himself into the trees. BOOM! He chugs a healing potion and does it again. BOOM!

  This isn’t an adventuring party, it’s a kegger on wheels.

  “Hi!” Pepper waddles up to one of the Bros. “I’m looking forward to being your new best friend!”

  He laughs and yells at his pals. “Check this sh§t! What is it supposed to be, a black f§ck-a-duck?”

  “Hey, Hermit guy!” yells UMadBro. “C’mere!”

  I remind myself I’m supposed to be friendly and walk over with a smile. Before I can say anything, he grabs my belt pouch and yanks it open. “Hey guys! Dump all your extra stuff in here, keep your slots open for new swag!”

  

  EmpathyEngine?: Your Value Is Utility

  Congratulations! You have been assigned as InvoDump! All Party equipment in your inventory can now be accessed by any Player in [Trainwreck Bros] party. You’re so lucky to be needed!

  Suddenly, my inventory is filled with an embarrassment of riches. Most of these players are level 3, but they’ve got a ton of high-powered gear. Healing potions, spell scrolls, weapons, ammo, and some kind of power-up cube, all stuff I want. I try to grab a gun, but a big X buzzes in my HUD.

  

  No touchie!

  It’s like a box of McDonald’s fries I can smell but can’t eat. I can feel myself drooling for a weapon.

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

  I see a flash that says CoinRiver as a Bro starts buying something I can’t see. -250 RiftBucks | -250 RiftBucks | -250 RiftBucks appears above the guy’s head and dings like a slot machine. He dumps three brand-new laser pistols into my inventory. “They only made 3 of these, and I got them all!” He fist-bumps UMadBro awkwardly. “Collector’s items, brah! This sh§t is OP!”

  “Overpriced?” I laugh. How much real money did this idiot just spend on the digital equivalent of Beanie Babies?

  “Overpowered, dumbass.” Bro snorts. “God, I hate when NPCs talk.”

  UMadBro gestures up the hill “Trainwreck Bros! Let’s move out!” They head up the path and I’m forced to follow. As we walk, an overmuscled alligator man named Brocodile eyes me and Pepper. “I thought we only bought only one LivingLegend. How did we get two?”

  

  EmpathyEngine?: Suggested Dialogue

  

  The AI glitches, and for a second, I want to tell this idiot I’m a real person playing for my life. But I remember the Icebox. I don’t want 52 torture for breaking character. “We come as a set.” I force a smile. “More bang for your buck.”

  “Yeah!” Pepper stands proudly beside me. “We’re buck bangers!”

  “Hey! I know you!” the gator stares at me. “You’re that guy! Hey! This is that guy!”

  “What guy?” The Bro with the mines asks.

  “The guy! And the tuxedo bird!” He puts up his hands and screams, laughing. “Don’t Die Dave!”

  Right. The viral video. Half a million views, for whatever that’s worth. Maybe this idiot thinking I’m a celebrity will keep him from killing me for fun.

  “What?” scowls another Bro.

  “You didn’t see that video? It’s hilarious! Aiiighh! Don’t die, Dave!” Brocodile points at the name floating over my head. “It says DDD, is that what it stands for?”

  “More like Dumbass Discount Dumpster.” UMadBro shoves me up the hill. “Go find those traps, LivingLegend. We paid for you to set them off for us.”

  I swallow hard. Great. I’m here to get killed by a million booby traps.

  “Hey, wanna see a Polish mine detector?” The guy with the mines throws one on the ground, plugs his ears with his fingers, and stomp-stomp-stomps until he hits the mine and is blown thirty feet in the air. BOOM! “Whoo-hoo!”

  I hear them laugh behind me as I walk up the incline of Mount Tripwire. I’m facing down jungle traps, magical curses, and a mountain full of murder-cats. For a million gold.

  I quicken my pace.

  ***

  The hill is almost straight up. The place is littered with bunkers and abandoned construction everywhere, like some abandoned Pacific island during WWII. I check my map and see that Tripwire Mountain goes on like this for miles. There are dozens of hills and valleys, and all paths lead to a star-marked Saferoom near the peak.

  Every time we get to a bunker, the area around it is littered with five-foot balls of wire tangled with camouflage netting. The stupid wire-balls would make for a good paintball battlefield obstacle, lightweight and big, but impossible to see through. I cautiously check around each of them, waiting to get ambushed, but it never happens. At the third bunker, I bump one of the trash piles and realize they’re not fixed to anything, like giant tumbleweeds, so I just dump them in my inventory and clear them all out, removing anything an enemy can hide behind. It cuts our time through the bunker zones in half.

  My inventory has 14 Garbage Balls by the time my HUD flashes red.

  

  HEY YOU GUYS!

  My Goonies trap detector goes off. I stop and see a tripwire strung across the path, illuminated in danger-red light. I hold up my hand. Pepper stops, but the Bros walk by, ignoring me, laughing as they head straight for the tripwire. Panicked at what they might do to me if they get blown up, I grab a rock, throw it at the wire, and break it. Explosions blast into the air as mines explode on either side of the path. I catch a few grains of shrapnel across my cheek.

  

  Health: 98%

  “Wow!” yells Pepper. “That was so loud!”

  I wipe the blood off my cheek and growl at UMadBro. “I can’t tell you where the traps are if you don’t wait for me.”

  “Then move faster, dipsh§t.”

  Hell’s bells, these idiots are going to get me killed.

  My Goonies trap detector is only a 75% bonus, not a guarantee. That scares the hell out of me until I realize most of the traps aren’t even well hidden. I find five more just by keeping my eyes open. It’s like the game wants us to find them, wants to hand out some easy wins, wants to keep it easy for players who pay for the privelage. The game designers knew the RiftElite players wouldn’t be paying close attention. It’s not like their lives depend on it.

  But mine does.

  I disarm a tree-swing spike trap, spring two more mines, and plug some kind of poison dart contraption built into a jungle idol’s stone face. The Bros don’t seem to care; they’re too busy inventing creative names for anatomically impossible venereal diseases.

  “Dave, I found one!” Pepper points at a tree strapped with a pound of plastique and a timer. “It’s all blinky!”

  “Okay, thanks Pep.” I disarm the trap and try to put it in my inventory, but just like the rest of the traps, it’s tied to the map. “Let’s keep ahead of these idiots.”

  Further up the mountain, I catch a glimpse of Weapons of Ass Destruction. They’re half a mile ahead of us. Anna S moves in the lead as a scout. The squad stops when she says stop, moves when she says move, and seems to be actually listening to her.

  I look back at my guys who look like a bunch of apes shooting their own YouTube prank series.

  God I miss the old days. Video games used to be you vs. the computer—clear rules, clear objectives, your own pace. If you wanted friends, they came over. Brad Skaggs would eat Doritos until he puked, but at least we knew each other. These Trainwreck Bros are strangers, probably lumped together by some money-making algorithm. No teamwork, no cohesion—just kids one-upping each other with how stupid they can be and how much cash they can blow on digital garbage.

  I get caught being a grouchy old man shaking his fists at the clouds and complaining about kids these days, because I miss the trap.

  I’m already past it when I see it. A little black square in the middle of the path behind me, like there’s something buried there. “Wait!” I shout at the Bros. They ignore me and keep on laughing and screaming at each other. “Stop!”

  The trap triggers right in the middle of them, and it’s a doozy.

  

  Trap Triggered! Fume Reaper

  Born of ash and acid, this Lvl9 Death Spell will make your horrific death quick and painless. Well, mostly painless. Okay, not painless, but quick.

  Magic smoke whirls up around the Trainwreck Bros, purple and red tendrils within a writhing, living mass of black malevolence. Bubbling tentacles that smell like sulfur twist and curl like a dark Cthulhu, a creature out of an acid nightmare, horrific and evil.

  “Holy mackerel!” Pepper yells.

  I grab her and throw myself away from the black murder-cloud. We crash into the underbrush and skid down a muddy bank. Flat on my back, I watch the blood-soaked carnage. There’s a sickening crunch and splatter as my squad’s bones are crushed under the might of the tentacles. They scream as their armor and skin melt off. Their bodies don’t last long, and in seconds, the Trainwreck Bros are reduced to tendon-strewn skeletons. The Fume Reaper rips them apart and flings their corpses into the jungle.

  Terrified, I watch the smoke monster collapse on itself and suddenly disappear into the box buried in the road.

  Silence.

  Bro parts drip from the trees, steaming with blood and acid.

  Unholy hell. That could’ve been me.

  Death Magic. Even with all their expensive gear, six RiftElites were erased in seconds. My heart hammers. Would the Fume Reaper even stop at one heart, or drag me straight into the Placebo Protocols?

  “Dave, it’s scary!” Pepper clings to me.

  “I want to go back to Tallahassee."

  “Hey you useless piece of sh§t!” Something hits me from behind and I fall into the mud. I try to get up but there’s a boot on my back. “You’re supposed to find the traps, you d§ckmaggot!”

  UMadBro stands above me, his face angry. I glance behind him to see the other Trainwreck Bros respawn about a hundred yards before the Fume Reaper trap, bloop-blip! A notification appears over their heads.

  

  RiftElite Respawn Fee: 150CR

  “Respawns aren’t free, f§ckface!” UMadBro yells at me. “You cost me 150 credits!”

  

  EmpathyEngine?: Suggested Dialogue

  “Gee whiz, I’m sorry fellas! My trap detection isn’t perfect. I’ll try harder next time! Don’t worry, we’ll make it together!” Let them know you’re sorry!??

  “150 credits?!” I yell at UMadBro, my face red. “You just blew more than that on fake guns you’re never going to use!”

  “Hey, you’re supposed to help us, sh§tweasel, not get us killed!”

  I shove my finger in his face. “Listen, a§shole! If you would just listen—”

  

  EmpathyEngine?: Manners Matter!

  You don’t want a mouth full of soap, do you? Do not use harsh language with RiftElite players. Treat them kindly. Remember: Your continued health care is performance-based.

  “Dude—” Brocodile taps UMadBro.

  “Now get back in front and next time there’s a trap, step on it yourself!”

  “Dude—”

  UMadBro turns on Brocodile. “What?!”

  “You remember what it said about those jungle cats? The ones that would murder us all?”

  “Yeah?”

  Brocodile points a finger into the jungle. In the shadows I see a dozen yellow feline eyes hidden in the trees, waiting to pounce.

  “Oh look!” Pepper squeaks. “Kitties!”