“No, Bob. You can’t keep him! Where the hell is he going to live?” snapped Kat as I held up my badly bruised new pet in one claw. A brown eye opened and started to pulse red, but I gave him a shake, and he stopped the attack.

  “Bad Bun-Bun! Be nice to Auntie Kat!”

  “I am not that level fifty-five Uni-bunny Overlord's aunt, you pillock! It’s going to wreck the place, and I will not be cleaning up after it!” she barked.

  “We need some floor bosses for the dungeon, right? Well, he and his brood will make great entry-level bosses and mobs. We can stick him on the fluff-ball floor until we set up some anti-adventurer levels. I’m keeping him, Kat. Look at his little tail! How could she want to kill you? She’s a big old meanie, isn’t she?” I asked the rabbit in a soppy voice. It blinked at me, and a flash of red spawned in its eyes. I showed him my teeth in a broad smile. The glow quickly faded. “There’s a good boy!” I patted him on the head with my other foreclaw.

  “That is not a first-floor dungeon boss, you scaly idiot! That thing is a fucking raid boss as far as the locals are concerned!”

  “So we need to get a few more levels? Let’s go drop Bun-Bun off in his new home, then we can talk about that,” I replied.

  I slithered over the hatch and disappeared down the staircase, happily ignoring Kat’s increasingly angry ranting. I held the bunny up with one hand, careful to keep its eyes aimed well away from anything valuable. The worst the beams would do was score some lines in the stone ceilings.

  We reached the first floor and the Janglebonks turned and fled, hopping away at speed as soon as they saw us. Whether it was my inclination to eat the delicious-smelling bastards, the bunny with the built-in death beams, or the very angry eight-inch-tall pixie screaming at me, I couldn’t be sure. It was probably all three, to be fair.

  I put a paw over Bun-Bun’s eyes as we passed through the farm level. I wasn’t sure if cattle would trigger him to attack, but the three terrified-looking humans clearly needed the reassurance. I knew he’d go for humans, so it's better to be safe than lose a minion to mishap.

  “Harold! Find Salnia, will you? Meet me up in the lair in a few minutes!” I called happily as I moved quickly down towards the floor that had once housed the suicidal little Thimblewinks

  It was still an idyllic grassland. I gingerly put the bunny down and stepped back.

  “Go on, boy. You go have fun.” I choked back a tear. “Is this what it feels like when a child moves out?” I asked Kat. She was making sure to keep the bulk of my armoured body between her and the murder-flopsy.

  Bun-Bun twitched and sniffed. Hopped forward. Ate a little grass. Glanced back at me, then took off a rocket into the distance. A plume of dirt was thrown into the air as he disappeared beneath the surface.

  “There is a layer of rock between the floors, right?” I asked Kat over my shoulder.

  “Now you worry about that? Yes, Bob. You’re stupid scaly arse hasn’t just released a stoneworm. Do not decide a stoneworm will make a good pet!” she snapped as she jumped up to her usual position behind my crest.

  “What’s a stoneworm?” I turned and began heading back upstairs.

  “Three metre long worms. Guess what they eat?” she grumbled.

  “Books? No, pixies! They eat pixies, right?”

  “You wish. They aren’t cwute-fwuffy-bunnies, though. If you ever saw one, you’d have nightmares about tapeworms for years.”

  “What a charming world this is.”

  “Bob?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Why the fuck did you bring a local world boss back to the lair as a pet? I’m starting to think I shouldn’t let you out of my sight. You’re like a giant, scaly toddler, too stupid to know when you’re fucking up.” Her voice was thick with resignation and a touch of bitterness.

  “Is it that big of a deal? Look. He’s cute. It’s not his fault that the local people are too weak to handle him. Killing him just felt wrong. I’m being Mr. Nice-Dragon now, remember?”

  “Bob.”

  “Yes?”

  “THERE IS A MASSIVE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NOT BEING A DICK AND BEING A FUCKING IDIOT!” She was just behind my head, and despite the scale of her lungs, that was really loud when yelled directly into my ears.

  “Jesus, Kat! No need to blow my eardrums out!” As a result of the new personal best in pixie volume, we were passing through the farm floor, the cattle were all rushing away from us. Annoyed ranchers chased after them as they broke through a fence and sped off into the distance. “How big are these floors anyway? Some of them are huge. That can’t be right. The laws of physics-”

  “-are a bit more flexible here than you’re used to. You’ve got a micro universe in your tummy. The system is weird. Deal with it. Now, why the hell are you treading on my toes?” She interrupted me at a much less painful volume.

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  “Eh?”

  “I manage the minions. You summoned Harold and Salnia to the lair. Why?”

  “Oh, I got some stuff in town. Some armour and a couple of swords. With the gear we’ve gained from loot, I want to set them loose on clearing more floors.”

  “You don’t want to do it yourself?”

  “Delegation, princess. Delegation is the key to any successful enterprise.” I replied smugly.

  “Huh. It can learn. Alright. The next floor will be six hundred coins, though.” She laughed as I winced at the mention of the cost.

  “It’s fine,” I ground out through clenched teeth. It wasn’t. “We'll make back the buy cost, get more loot, and that pair of idiots can start leveling up. They do level, right?”

  “Yeah. Salnia is a good class for this, but Harold? He’s a crafter. He’ll need to hit a class evolution and switch to a combat line.”

  “Can he cope?” I wasn’t going to send the dude to his death. Bad for the old spiritual balance book.

  “He should be ok, maybe for one or two floors. If he doesn’t get high enough to evolve his class, you’ll need to find someone else, Bob. It will also take him away from the hides. You’re looking at some top-quality leather coming out of the agricultural floor in the near future, being in a dungeon soups everything up a bit.” She sounded smug.

  “Is that why I’m so much stronger than the people at the Mill? Time in the dungeon?” I wondered aloud and received a thwack on the ear for my trouble.

  “No. You’re. A. Dragon. Although not a very bright one. Dragons start out strong and just get stronger, until Knightly McStabbyface and his mates from the Hunters Guild pay you a visit with their magic swords. Kidnapping world bosses will get you that kind of attention.”

  We emerged into my lair and I found the two human minions poking at my hoard. I rushed forward and interposed myself between my shinies and their grubby mitts. They leapt backwards and looked sheepish as I glared at them.

  “Mine.” The growl came from deep in my chest and bounced off the walls. Frantic nods. Good.

  I curled up on my golden bed and eyed the pair momentarily.

  “I want you two to gear up and start fighting through the floors. Harold, I understand you aren’t ideally suited to this, but Kat and Salnia will carry you until you change to a combat line on your class evolution. I got you these.” Shopping hadn’t been so bad. Not really. I sighed. I couldn’t lie to myself. I’d kept to a very tight budget, but it had still hurt me emotionally to shell out for this gear.

  A pile of equipment, which included two top-quality swords spilled out as I waved my hand across my midriff. Thick padded gambesons and shiny steel skull caps complemented some leather gear, bracers, and heavy boots.

  “It wasn’t cheap, and you will be expected to pay for it in the event it is damaged or you die. So don’t die. Or break it!” My eyes flared purple and the pair nodded quickly. Harold wasn’t as happy as he might be, but Slania grinned from ear to ear.

  “Finally! No more cow’s arses for Salnia the Saint Slayer!” The blond woman crowed happily.

  “We’ve got the Armour of The Gimp. We didn’t give that to Tex,” Kat offered, pulling the suspiciously rubbery-looking suit of knightly armour from the pile of loot we had kept hold of.

  “The visor has a zip across the mouth. I’m not wearing that!” snapped Salnia. Kat looked at me, and I shrugged. She tossed the armour towards the “vendor trash” pile.

  “There’s also some knives, a short sword, and a halberd. Harald, maybe you want the short sword in reserve, the halberd will let you keep the mobs at range?” I suggested.

  After a few minutes of heated debate, which mostly involved Salnia trying to commandeer all the decent gear, we had a pair of fighters mostly kitted out. I pulled up my dungeon menu and took a quick look over it.

  Dungeon Status:

  Unnamed Dungeon.

  Level: 1

  Floors: 6 (Residential) (Agricultural) (Industrial) (TBCx3)

  Rooms: 9

  Sprite level: 1

  Minions: 11/30

  Hoard: 11419 gold

  Purchase new floor: 1150 gold: Y/N?

  I swore under my breath but clicked yes. I always seemed to make more on loot than it cost to open the floor, so I trusted this time would be no different.

  “Right, my mighty warriors, a new floor awaits you,” I said warmly. “Conquer it with my blessing!”

  Salnia whooped and punched the air. Harald looked glum under his helmet, his halberd leaning against his side.

  “Look, how about double rations for you both if you come back together and alive?”

  “The food here isn’t that great,” muttered Harald.

  “What? I thought you guys were on a steak-based diet? Kat, I’m sure you said the excess meat from the farm was going to supplement the minion support costs?” I looked down at my irascible sprite, who shrugged.

  “Turns out the best chef we’ve got is Gledna The Gland. She keeps using her glandular magic to ‘make it juicer’. It’s not a popular choice, if I’m honest,” Kat said.

  “She’s a healer. Get her off cooking duties and send her out with the kill team! Then we’ve got a tank, a damage dealer, and a healer like a proper adventuring group!” I exclaimed.

  “She’s not really a combat-”

  “Just do it! They can use the help, and she’ll get some levels, right? This is a win-win. Three hundred and sixty degrees of victory! What’s up with you?” I asked, seeing that Salnia looked nearly as unhappy as Harold did now.

  “Lord, maybe you should see what happens when a glandular wizard heals someone?” suggested Salnia. She was suddenly nervous. The brash woman had shown very little respect and no fear at all, thus far.

  “Kat mentioned it gets… oozy. Can’t she help on the field at all?” Positive karma incoming! “I’d really feel better if you had someone on hand who could deal with any injuries if something went wrong. I want you to grow strong, not die pointlessly.” My other priority was to avoid ever facing anything like the Thimblewinks again.

  “She can help in combat. She can cast debuffs on the enemies as well,” Salnia ground out reluctantly.

  “Excellent! Then that’s sorted! Kat, who can we sub in as a chef? I’ve got a load of uni-bunny corpses in storage, and while most of them will be sold to Esme and her father at the Swinging Cod, I see no reason why we can’t have a little feast for us and the minions.”

  “The Janglebonks won’t want to attend, they’re vegetarian. No one will want to be there if the Dwelvers are joining us. Look, Bob, you’re running a multi-species ship, and I’m afraid half of your minions hate the other half, and you can’t look at some of them without drooling or wanting to kill them. I really think it's a very, very, very stupid idea. Why don’t you go and ask the sexy barmaid with the big tits to cook you up some of the bunnies and leave running the dungeon to the person who knows what she’s doing?" Kat finished sweetly.