At our second meeting, Mick still reminded me of a human-scaled Goblin, his long droopy nose touched the froth on his ale every time he raised his tankard, which he had to wipe off on his now-damp sleeve.

  “Mind if I join you for a minute, Mick?” I asked, waving at the seat opposite him. He was drinking alone and had a sour aura around him that seemed effective at keeping others away. He looked up at me suspiciously, seemed to bristle briefly, and then deflated.

  “Looks like you survived Old Mordechai then.”

  “Indeed. Thanks for the warning about his little peccadillos,” I replied slightly bitterly. “Esme! Two more ales, please?” I called to the barmaid, who grinned at me and began doing the honours.

  “Thanks,” he muttered as Esme passed by with a wink to deposit the drinks between us. I took a long sip and then launched into my pitch.

  “I’m afraid I was hoping to ask for your help, Mick. I need you to take me into Larney’s Wood and help me find the uni-bunny nest.”

  “You survive meeting Mordechai with all your limbs still attached, and now you want to commit suicide by bunny teeth? You’re a weird fella.”

  “Oh, I think I can handle these bunnies for you,” I said with a broad grin. He flinched at my smile.

  “Maybe you could. If you don’t, it’s not like my situation gets any worse,” he said. “I’d need to know you’re strong enough to protect me, if’n I’m to guide you.” He leant back and crossed his arms, fixing me with a glare. I gave him a slightly more modest smile this time, concealing my fangs.

  “Oh, he can,” Esme said as she passed by, having been eavesdropping nearby while pretending to wipe down a nearby table. “Mordechai had to use the Special Scissors to trim his lovely hair. Level eighty-ish, so I hear from the mad barber. He did a great job as well. You look very handsome, Bob!” I nodded in thanks to her, but she was already walking away and didn’t see me. Her rear assets swayed hypnotically, and I had to snap my attention back to a now-smirking Mick.

  “Well, if Esme vouches for you, that’s good enough for me, I suppose. What’s your specialty?” he asked, a little less surly than he had been before.

  “My specialty is doing good deeds!” So I don’t end up as a frog in the next life, but he didn’t need to know my motivation.

  “Oh, you’re one of that type of off-worlders. Look, boy, I meant your magical specialty, the one you unlocked at level fifty.” I blinked owlishly at him.

  “You get a lot of off-worlders, do you?”

  “Not so many as all that, there’s probably a few thousand Outremondes in the Empire at any one time, as I hear it. You’re all weirdos and the worst of you fall into two categories, you’re either obsessed with immortality or do-gooding assholes. What’s your magic?” He leaned forward and reached for his tankard, eyes locked on my face. Damn, time to think on my feet. I racked my brain. I had the Glare, I could spit fireballs or acid, and there was my belly pouch. How did specialties work? He’d already surmised I had been reincarnated, but I didn’t like how perceptive the old farmer was. Mordechai had assumed my specialty before, hadn't he?

  “Spatial magic,” I said confidently, and made a coin appear in my hand before vanishing it back into storage.

  “Teleporting and stuff? Making monsters' heads vanish as soon as you look at them? That’s a powerful magic.” He nodded sagely.

  “Well, I can’t teleport or blip things heads off, yet.” What kind of lunatic would someone with that kind of power become? “I’m more focused on storage.” He burst into laughter as he was taking a drink and sprayed foam across the table between us.

  “Oh, you stupid boy. Going to end up stuck running errands for a merchant out of Ankmapak or as a slave to one of the less reputable Guilds. Well, seeing as you’re doomed, no reason we can’t get some work out of you before you get kidnapped.” He extended a hand across the table, and I shook it, wiping my hand on my trousers under the table afterwards. He was a sweaty dude. “When do you want to head to the woods, Bob?”

  I wasn’t entirely thrilled at his opinions on my prospects; it was all news to me. When I returned to the lair, I resolved to chat with Kat about why my "guide” hadn’t mentioned this kind of thing.

  “Now is as good a time as any. Drink up, and you can show me to the bunnies.”

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  He led me back out of town towards the very same woodland I always landed in. If dealing with the bunnies meant I had to find a new spot for future meetings with Tex, so be it. I really hoped the Woo would appreciate my noble sacrifice—the bastards.

  “So, how long have you been here?” he asked. “On Helstat, I mean.” His sudden interest in my immigration status and my total lack of knowledge about how it worked for the lucky bastards who just got resurrected as humans left me grasping for the right thing to say. Is lying wrong? I’m pretty sure lying is wrong. Shit, I’m going to end up as one of those freaks who never lies but never quite tells the truth either. Caring about karma was more of a bitch than karma itself.

  “Are vampires real in this world?” I asked instead of answering his question. Killing vampires had to be a good thing to do. A spiritual plus one, for sure. He snorted.

  “None of my business anyway. Yeah, there are blood cults led by vamps. Not in this neck of the woods, though. Thank the gods.”

  We arrived at the edge of the woods and began walking through the trees. The breeze was refreshing, and the dappled sunlight, making its way down through the leaves, was very picturesque. Mick began to shift nervously and sweat profusely. His tunic clung to his back, and he led me deeper into the woods. It looked like a perfectly normal woodland from back on Earth to me but Mick became more and more fidgety the further we walked.

  A blur flew from beneath a nearby bush, not aimed at me but at Mick. I flicked out a hand and caught the uni-bunny by the scruff of its neck. I squeezed and heard a crunch. Mick looked around and screamed, backing off into the woods. I tossed the bunny aside. I was hungry, but I didn’t want to feed in front of the human, for obvious reasons.

  “What are you doing?” he gasped, looking at the discarded bunny. What had I done wrong now? Maybe I needed Kat to help me deal with humans, after all. He hurried over, scooped up the dead bunny, and let it dangle from his left hand. “There’s good eating on those!” I gave him my toothiest smile. I knew they were good to eat, although last time it had been fur, teeth, and a fluffy tail, all going down my gullet in one bite.

  “They’re valuable?” I asked.

  “And delicious! Tell you what, how about for puttin’ meself in danger helping you out, you let me keep the bodies?”

  “I’m fairly sure I’m helping you out,” I replied, then a thought struck me. The bunny had gone for him, not me. The wildlife didn’t seem to be as fooled by the shapeshifting as the humans were. If I’d been a hair slower to intercept the little monster, I’d be down one guide and my quest to win over the townsfolk would be set back by one goblin-esque, sweaty-farmer corpse. Damn.

  “Ok, how about this: You get the first five cute little bunny rabbits I kill, then I get the rest?” I offered. I moved a little closer to the man and glanced about with narrowed eyes at the suddenly sinister bushes and undergrowth. No ambushing my human, you little bastards!”

  Mick screamed like a six-year-old girl during the subsequent half-dozen attacks. After that, he just stayed very close to me and winced every time I snatched a bunny out of the air a few inches from his face.

  “You know, you’re a bit clingy, Mick. I need to be able to move so I can stop them eating you,” I complained as I gently pushed him away. He had five bunnies, so now I was just throwing the attack-bunnies into my storage after I had dealt with them.

  “Why don’t they go for you?” he muttered as I crushed another neck. Despite the pleasant temperature and evening breeze, he was pale and dripping in sweat.

  “I give off a certain aura, I guess? Of the pair of us, you look like easy meat.” Damnit, this guy was too suspicious. I was regretting taking this job.

  The trees eventually gave way to an open meadow, deep in the forest's heart. The trunks here were thick and well-spaced, and then suddenly they opened into an empty area, the sunlight finally reaching us properly again. The grass was cropped short, and there was no undergrowth. It looked as though it was maintained by diligent, professional gardeners. In the centre of the meadow lay the entrance to a tunnel, perhaps a foot wide; it was the only feature that appeared out of the ordinary.

  Mick started shaking as soon as he laid eyes on the circle of darkness. He began to back away, but I grabbed his arm and kept him close. I couldn’t protect him if he ran off into the woods. A cute little bunny hopped out, and I felt him go from shaking to full-on quivering. His legs sagged, and suddenly, my grip was only holding him up.

  It bounced forward, cute as a button, and began to crop the grass. The nose twitched, and the big brown eyes looked around innocently. He didn’t have one of those little horns all the others had.

  “Aww! He’s so cute!” I said softly. As soon as I spoke, it jumped to face me. The eyes flashed red, the pulse quickly increasing until they were glowing demon eyes on the face of the bunny rabbit. Some instinct caused me to move. I threw Mick backwards and put myself between the human and this demon-bunny.

  A lance of red light shot out, scything through the air. It started to my left and cut across towards me. I spat a blast of dragon fire into the path out of reflex. The beam was interrupted, merely scoring a line across my shoulder and burning my tunic. Dammit. Now I had to buy another one! Brushing at the damage, I found my skin underneath was hot to the touch, but otherwise unharmed. I resolved to take Reflective Scales next time it came up on Evolution Roulette.

  “Mick, the way behind us should be clear. Why don’t you run along home while I deal with our fluffy friend?” I glanced back, but he had already bolted. I could see him leaping over the trees that had collapsed as the bunny's death beam had cut through them.

  “I apologise for this,” I said. The bunny just twitched his nose again, freshly cut lumber falling behind with loud crashes. My clothes vanished into storage, and I expanded out into my true form. Midnight scales glinted in the reflection of the bunny’s deep brown eyes. Purple flared as my own draconic eyes flashed, throwing Hunter's Gaze at the pest. “I don’t normally expose myself in public, but for you? I’m willing to make an exception,” I growled before flapping my wings hard to launch myself forward.