[Contains Science, Foul Language, and Absurdity]
“Why so blue, Remi?” Archie in his DNA form had floated over to Remi, and positioned his face uncomfortably close. He stared, studying the reaction. His mouth glitched into a U shape, the best this form could do to emulate a smile. “Ah. Venous system override. Sadly, it only works when you’re underwater, lack air, or are in tight spaces. Too bad. You look awesome. Now, are you done with your existential crisis? It really is time to get you back into circulation.”
Remi tried to respond. A haggard rasp of exhaled air was all he could manage.
“About that,” said Archie. “One of the side effects of your lung mutation is the temporary loss of speech. You should be fine in an hour, or hour-adjacent. Until then, we can use the chat. I will be a team player and join you there.” Archie made a locking gesture over his lips and puffed out his cheeks.
[AI]: This will be fine. Honestly, I kind of like talking to you this way better. It’s how we first met and feels like our thing.
Remi thought about the chat, but before words could manifest, the system had an update.
[System Message - Mr. Movie]
You have lost your ability to speak.
Note: buried in the fine print under “Temporary Speech Modification,” the following change will be in effect for the duration of impairment. All verbal output will be filtered through a Narrative Subtext Parser (patent pending). You may still “speak,” but only in the style and tone of the movie trailer guy. We can't hear you really, being confined to chat, but know that there’s a deep base and resonant voice that is echoing in our imagination. Enjoy!
He opened his mouth to protest, but the words that appeared in the chat were not quite what he thought he would say.
Remi: He was a man. Out of breath. Out of time. Out of options. Forced to speak in a voice not his, can he accept his fate? Or will this man of mutation fold under the weight of his own choices?
This was idiotic. Remi no longer remembered what he was going to say to the asinine system message, but he knew it was sure as shit not that.
Remi: Waiting patiently, the man, the myth, the legend, yearns for what comes next.
Archie laughed out loud.
[AI]: Sorry, this is even better than I had imagined. I can’t wait to see what happens next. Ok, so you will be sad to hear this, but science class? It still is not over. I know, longest class ever, yet we still have one more thing for you to do. Hold on, I need to get back into character.
Remi: Patience…
He had to wait for the dramatic pause to finish before continuing.
Remi: …was not one of his virtues.
[MR.R.CHAI]at you have played with some of the equipment, and will no longer die painfully. We can move on to the practical portion of today’s lesson.
[NEW QUEST - APPLICATION CONSTERNATION]
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Type: Practical Lab Challenge
Assigned By: Mr. R. Chai
Location: Science Lab, Period 2
Objective: Synthesize a viable potion using unstable components while navigating narrative instability and speech subversion. You have survived mutation and are enduring speech filters, but now comes the last test: applying your previous knowledge to create a functioning potion. Follow the directions to combine three volatile reagents to produce a stable draft that matches your new biology. Do it right, and you will be rewarded. Fail, and you will likely be exploded. No pressure.
[SYSTEM MESSAGE]
Speech filter detected. Lab equipment accepts narrated intent as valid input.
Remi: In a lab gone rogue, one man dares to brew. All he needed were a few instructions.
[MR.R.CHAI]: Good point! I said I would give those to you.
He reached into his lab coat pocket, his arm disappearing to his elbow, rummaging around like a single mother searching for her car keys in a purse. Eventually, he produced a single sheet of paper. Not holographic, but actual parchment, and presented it to Remi.
Remi: His gratitude was immense. Finally, the key he'd long searched for. The man was one step closer to making his deepest desires complete…
Everyone waited. One visibly amused, the other ready to cram the piece of paper down that smiling person’s throat.
Remi: …assuming he could follow the directions.
Remi looked down at the sheet in his hands and read what he needed to do:
STEP 1: Know Thy Mutation
Consult your Mutation Profile (e.g. Carapace, Claustrophobia, Toxin Affinity). Your potion must address your new biological needs. Choose a primary effect:
- Fortification (reinforces mutation)
- Stabilization (balance mutation drawback)
- Adaptation (unlocks hidden synergy)
He looked at the list that seemed to stretch forever, like the Ikea furniture assembly instructions he always pretended to understand. With its smug little stick man smiling next to a tiny Allen key, that made everything seem so simple. Until you tried to hold three pieces together with two arms and a foot, the Allen key was in your mouth, and there were 3 wooden dowels left after you had successfully assembled the bookshelf, but you could swear you filled all the pre-drilled holes. Normally, Remi would have used some colourful language, as was the norm when assembling modular furniture. The system translated.
Remi: The heavens split with his cries of woe!
The only way Remi had ever completed anything modular was to tackle it one thing at a time. He scanned for warnings, always a good first step, and noted one at the bottom, directed right at him, regarding toxic foam fumes. He put a pin in that, as that was several steps away. Definitely a future Remi problem. But there was, just below the WHMIS/HazCom section, something actually useful:
SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS FOR MUTATED SUBJECTS
If you're experiencing the following symptoms:
- Loss of voice
- Narrative subtext modulation
- Sudden desire to deliver exposition in third-person
You may still complete the task. Just narrate what you intend to do, and the system will interpret your intent.
They were all the way at the bottom. That made as much sense as the turn sign on the freeway appearing after the exit had already passed. But Remi knew from experience, and countless instances of thinking you should have turned back there, dumbass, that this was more common than reasonably imaginable. Remi sighed.
Remi: Does he have what it takes to complete the challenge before the foam claims everything he'd left to love?
He looked back at the first step; he'd been mutated, so logic dictated he would need the stabilizing potion. Step one, check. He moved on to the next step.
STEP 2: Select 3 REAGENTS
You must choose one of each type:
- BASE (defines general effect type)
- CATALYST (changes function and intensity)
- INFLECTOR (adds a narrative/psychological twist)
NOTE: Reagents are unlabeled, but can be identified using basic system logic, scent, or flavour descriptions. Choose wisely and narrate dramatically.
Unlabeled?! That didn't sound helpful. How hard was it to label things? Remi labelled his short stories, even with crayons if that was all that was near him, so why were there unlabelled chemicals in the dangerous science lab? As much as he wanted to yell at Archie about proper lab procedure, he knew there wouldn’t be much point. He examined the list.
BASES (Choose 1):
- Clear-Grey Gel assists with defence. Smells like old office chairs and graphite.
- Amber Resin Cube assists with energy. Warm to the touch; hums faintly.
- Blue Mist Ampule assists with focus. Hisses gently; shifts shape under light.
Remi was going to have to go around and smell and touch things. This sounded more like a Big Brother competition rather than genuine science. He scanned the rest, knowing where this was headed.
CATALYSTS (Choose 1)
- Crushed Chalk Dust. Smells like hallways and shame. This will increase the area of effect.
- Neon Green Filament. Pulses with irregular light. This will shorten cooldowns at the risk of increased instability.
- Inkwell Drop. Clings to fingers like guilt. This unlocks narrative-threading synergy.
INFLECTORS (Choose 1—Optional)
- Feather Shard will echo triggers from memory. It floats, then dives on its own.
- Mirror Flake will add psychological insight or destabilization. It reflects wrong.
- Burnt Paper Sliver will add emotional resonance if used under duress. It smells of panic.
And finally, he was back to the cautionary note.
Combining the wrong catalyst with the wrong base will create volatile foam. Do not breathe it in. Inflectors are optional. Unless you’re him. (Yes, Remi. It’s talking about you).
Remi wasn't sure why he got the joy of having the optional inflector be mandatory, but he didn’t feel like arguing through the voice filter that made him sound like he was playing in a Blockbuster video store.
Fine. Unlabeled components. No chart and no cheat sheet. There were just volatile chemicals and vibes. Perfect. All he needed to do was stick his head in the outhouse, and take a big whiff. This whole thing had the organization of a toddler’s finger painting. And still. Why no labels? How hard was it to write: explosive science juice, don’t drink! Even Alice got an “Eat me” and “Drink me,” but he only got touch it to see if it's hot. Given all that he was coming to understand about this place, that tracked.
Is it wrong to kill to survive in this accursed world?
Follow Xavier's journey. Discover what it means to survive… or to live.
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