Announcementcontent warning: dysphoria, transphobiaMy heart pounded in my chest as I shut the door and stood with my back against it, arms spread out.

  Oh god. What have I done?

  I was breathing rapidly, processing everything that just happened.

  Ok Oliver. Breathe in and out.

  I took a moment to calm down and went to lie down on my bed. I hugged my pillow and took out my phone.

  I stared at the image I took of the mysterious book as I pondered.

  What could this book be about? Why does it have so many weird symbols? And why did I take such a bad, blurry picture of it?

  I felt a strong urge to discover more about the book and its origins. Besides, what was I gonna do all summer? Might as well have something to investigate or get into. With that thought justified, I stood up and walked over to my desk, where I sat down in front of my computer and powered it on. A familiar purple glow appeared on my keyboard as I watched the logo appear on the screen patiently. After entering my credentials, I opened the web browser and transferred the image over to my computer to conduct a reverse image search. Unfortunately, the picture was kind of blurry so the only results I got were images of antique books on various sites. No symbols of the sort.

  Oh right. The symbols!

  I remembered there was a pentagram on the cover, so I typed in “pentagram book” into the search bar and pressed enter. I scrolled for a while and saw a few articles discussing the use of the symbol a few centuries ago and its association with magic. This led me to a realization: this is a book about magic.

  Well, that expins it. Zoey likes reading books about magic then. Was it a fantasy book? What nguage is that on the cover? I wanted to know. I decided to make a mental note to ask Zoey about it ter.

  I did some more research for a while without avail, until my stomach then protested for some dinner, and I checked the time on my phone.

  8:32 P.M.

  Wow, time really passes fast. I’m pretty sure Joanna’s friends had left a while ago and I’m sure there’d be some leftover food somewhere in the fridge. Still, I don't know how I will even gain enough confidence to exit my room after the day’s events.

  My stomach decided otherwise, so I silently walked up to the door.

  Here we go. I guess.

  I stepped out of my room into the hallway and looked around. All clear. I then tip-toed towards the kitchen area, where the lights were off, indicating that no one was around. I opened the fridge and-

  “Hey.”

  I froze. Someone tapped my shoulder.

  I looked behind me to see Zoey standing over me.

  “I- w-what do you want.”

  “To talk, remember? I said we weren’t done.”

  “But I’m hungry.”

  “I’ll order some pizza. My treat.”

  Damn it, she knew I had a soft spot for pizza. “Ok. fine. Whatever.” I said, pretending not to care.

  She led me into her room and shut the door.

  “So.” She said.

  “Sooooo.” I responded.

  “What were you thinking?”

  Sigh. I'm just gonna get this over with quickly.

  "Okay look, I needed some notes and I felt embarrassed to ask you for help." I cringed as I said that.

  She saw my expression and changed the subject.

  “Nevermind, I know you’re going through some things. Look I just- I want to help and understand you because I know you don’t have a lot of people who care.”

  A lump formed in my throat.

  “Could you maybe tell me? I’ll listen and support you however you need, I promise.”

  Oh, where have I heard that phrase before. And the only thing I can remember is being shamed and hurt and used and taken advantage of afterward.

  I really do want to trust Zoey but I can’t. I just can’t I just can’t I just can’t.

  “No.”

  Memories fshed before my eyes.

  I was taken back to 7th grade, in the school hallways talking to my best friend Beth.

  “Hey Beth? Can I tell you something?” I had said.

  “Sure Oliver! We’re besties you can tell me everything!” Beth had said.

  “Beth I-... I wanna be a g-girl. Just like you are.”

  She paused for a bit, clearly taken aback by this.

  “Oliver I don’t think we should talk anymore.” Beth said before she walked away.

  …

  My mind showed me the week before my 10th birthday.

  “Oliver you cannot be a girl do you hear me? You are my SON!” Dad had shouted. “YOU CANNOT BE A GIRL DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME CLEARLY? YOU ARE A MAN. BE A FUCKING MAN AND STOP CRYING!” I ran out of the room, sobbing.

  …

  I was flown to the one day in 10th grade when a couple of guys walked towards me.

  “Dudes look at this piece of shit. Why is he wearing a fucking hairclip?” they stood there in ughter, pointing at me. Another guy said, “Man ignore him he’s just a fucking fag-”

  “Hey are you okay? You’re zoning out and you don’t look okay right now.”

  A tear slipped from my eyes and I broke eye contact, looking away.

  “I’m fine.” I choked out.

  She was right though. I’m not okay. I’m hurting inside and I’m afraid to admit it.

  Zoey then reached out to my arm to comfort me but I pulled away.

  “I need to go.” I ran out of her room and the front door and the stairs out of the reception area into the rain and darkness. Tears flowed freely from my face and mixed with the raindrops as my feet hit the hard concrete sidewalk.

  “Fuck this shit. Fuck trust. It’s all a fucking lie.” My mind said.

  “But Zoey seems nice and understanding enough-”

  “That’s what you said every single time before you trusted. And remember what happened afterword?”

  —

  8:46 PM. Zoey’s POV

  I paced around my room back and forth. I pushed Oliver too hard and he ran out and its all my fault. I decided to knock on his door ter to apologize and start over somehow. I know he needs people but he’s afraid to trust and I pushed him too hard when he was vulnerable. I put my hands on my face and groaned in frustration. I then walked over to Joanna’s room and knocked on her door.

  “I’ll be right out, lemme get off this call.”

  I paced the hallway as I waited for Joanna. After a minute, she came out and saw the look of concern on my face.

  “Zoey what happened?” Joanna asked softly.

  “I tried talking to Oliver about something but I pushed him too hard.”

  “Oh so that’s why I heard running earlier. Anything I can do to help?”

  “Can we go knock on his door? I wanna apologize and make sure he’s okay.”

  Joanna nodded in agreement as we walked over to his door.

  I knocked on it twice.

  “Oliver, its me, Zoey.”

  No response.

  “I really wanted to say sorry about earlier for pushing you too far when you were vulnerable.”

  No response.

  “Oliver? Hello?” Joanna asked.

  No response.

  I sighed and walked over to the living room, with Joanna following in suit.

  “Joanna do you have any ideas? I don’t think he wants to talk-”

  I stopped in my tracks as I faced the front door to the right of the hallway past the kitchen.

  It was wide open.

  I looked over to Joanna in horror and she returned the expression.

  Oliver didn’t go back in his room like I’d thought. He had run out.

  I started to panic. “Oh god fuck me what have I done this is all my fucking fault he could be anywhere and its night outside-”

  Joanna put a hand on my shoulder. “Zoey this isn’t your fault. You only tried to help and make things better.”“But I didn’t. I just made things worse. People like us are supposed to help, to save lives, and I can’t even help support my friend. Oh god it’s raining outside and he wasn’t even carrying an umbrel-”

  “Zoey stop your train of thought and take a deep breath. We trained for stuff like this in the Academy, remember?”

  “That’s for hunting monsters and demons, not for finding our lost roommate.”

  “Yeah but we can retrofit that, and use the locate spell and just use Oliver’s name in pce of the demon’s.”

  I thought about it for a moment.

  “You’re right. It might actually work.”

  For the first time since all this had happened, I felt somewhat better than before knowing that we could bring our friend home. Maybe then we could start over.

  “Go get the car.” I said. “With the sheer force of water and the blinding speed of light, Magical girls Joanna and Zoey are coming to the rescue!”