Chapter 39A Match

  Suna was fed up. She wanted to distract herself from this seemingly never ending onsught of mental warfare.

  She… needed a break.

  When she told the others that, they looked at her in surprise. But it seemed, they were happy to take a break, too.

  Suna walked around. She wasn’t naive enough to think she’d find Amy, just walking around randomly on the paved tan-brick roads, but she nonetheless still hoped to see her.

  …What am I doing? Her first thought was to continue doing commissions. Maybe her and her Friends could tackle a diamond-quest. Maybe… maybe she could let them try and look for a Diamond Hunter, and they could all team up, like her Friends suggested. Maybe she’d let her Friends get Stronger, and they’d all be Diamond, and they’d work towards Mithril.

  But it all seemed so… vain.

  Suna didn’t really like this feeling of Purposelessness.

  Back on Yrma… was she Purposeless?

  Did all of her Struggles… have no Meaning?

  Why did she try so hard, all those years? To Survive? But… why Live? For what Purpose?

  Suna realized. She never really thought about this before. She only really thought about it… after that voice started showing up. Since her fight, with the dark-armored figure.

  …

  A familiar feeling. That instead of drive, energy, and motivation, there was only…

  a ck of it.

  And she… thought this was a good thing? This made her stronger?

  Suna took the time to really reflect on her past, on all the events that occurred since coming to this World. To Nadeer.

  …

  …

  –

  Suna was self-absorbed, sitting on a bench. She had been. For many hours.

  –

  There was really only one conclusion she came to, out of many seemingly purposeless, endless trains of thought:

  Thinking about it didn’t really get her anywhere.

  She clearly didn’t have the tools or the means to dig her out of this existential pit. The Fierce Drive she felt when she was brand new to this World… it was Gone. Repced by Doubt and Hesitation.

  She considered Seclusion. But she didn’t like that. She didn’t want to leave her Friends.

  She didn’t want to be with her Friends because they made her feel good, or because they provided her with something. She just, wanted to Be With Them. That was it. Trying to Think about it did nothing to change this conclusion, this Feeling. Neither did it change her faint, yet persistent Fme: the Desire to become Stronger, to keep Persevering and Persisting. Thinking… did nothing to these urges and instincts of hers.

  She wondered. If Ei, and the robed man, Doubted themselves. It didn’t seem like it. But maybe they doubted themselves at some point. Maybe they just… moved on. Maybe they grew, past their Doubts. Maybe they ignored them, and they went away. Ei certainly wouldn’t sacrifice themselves if they had Doubts… She’d ask Ei, next time. If they had Doubts. She felt that was an important question.

  The day was coming to an end. But she didn’t feel like she wasted her time, whatsoever. Before she walked, she needed a Direction to walk in. And, she was realizing… there didn’t really seem to Be a Direction. When she looked at all the common folk, who seemed Happy and Fulfilled, she asked herself. What was their Purpose? Their Direction? Was it To be Happy? To Succeed, and Further their Standing in Society? Those answers didn’t seem to be correct. When she looked at them, she felt… as if they all didn’t really care that much about it. When she thought of Ei, and the robed man, they just seemed to be… Above those things. They didn’t seem to question, or ponder their Reason for Existing. When she thought of her Friends… she saw how they Struggled. Especially Beryl. Maybe… this sort of thing goes away when you’re Older.

  Suna would come to find out. That her Doubts would not Simply go away with time. They only grew, along with her Sprouting, Growing Ambition. But she indulged herself, for the time being. In a newfound Peace.

  She went back to her room.

  She was struggling to sleep. How could she? She was out there, in front of her door. She had been.

  Suna got up, soundlessly. She opened the door.

  “Ah!”

  “Angie, what are you doing?”

  “Uh, I, Um…!” Angie hastily moved away, down the corridor. But before she could get far…

  “Angie, stop. Tell me. What’s up?” Suna grabbed her hand.

  “...Can we talk, in your room?”

  “Um, Sure.”

  The two entered Suna’s room.

  “What’s up, Angie?”

  “Oh, I was, um, I was just worried.” Angie fidgeted, “You’ve never really… taken a break, like this. So I just wanted to make sure that, you were, um, f-feeling, okay…”

  Angie was unusually squirmy and hesitant. “I’m doing okay, Angie. I just… needed some time. To Think.” Suna y down on the bed, looking at the ceiling. Angie sat, on a chair, facing down the bed.

  “...”

  “Angie, is something on your mind?”

  “Um… no…” Angie lied, terribly.

  Suna wondered, if she should press her, question her. Or reassure her. Or act oblivious.

  “Um…” Angie spoke before Suna could decide what to say. “I, uh, I wanted to say… I’m sorry, Suna.”

  “Hm? What for?”

  “For, um… for, for… I’m Sorry!” Angie got up, walking to the door.

  Suna hesitated, for a moment. But she felt… like Angie was hurting. She didn’t want her friend to Hurt, to not feel comfortable enough to talk about her emotions.

  So Suna leapt up, and stopped Angie, once again. “Hey.” She turned Angie around. Angie… had tears, on her face.

  Guilt. It was written all over her face.

  Suna was speechless. “Um, Angie…”

  Angie shook her hand out of Suna’s grasp. She walked towards the door.

  No. Not again.

  Suna stood. In front of the door.

  Angie looked lost, like she didn’t know what to do. “Suna-”

  “Angie.” Suna spoke a little forcefully. “You stood outside of my room. You’re feeling something. You have something to say.” Suna slowly, calmly walked towards Angie, who squirmed, and shivered. Suna grabbed her shaking hands. “Maybe it’s not something easy to say. Maybe it’ll hurt me.” Suna looked. Directly at Angie’s eyes. “...But I want you to say it. I want you to be honest with me. I don’t want to guess what you’re feeling, Angie. Not again.”

  Angie shook.

  Suna guided Angie to the bed. They both sat on it, their feet hanging off the side.

  “...” Suna was not going to rush her. She was going to give her as much time as she needed, to express herself.

  Angie stared at the floor, in thought. In messy, counteractive thought.

  Suna grabbed Angie’s hand, gently, causing Angie’s head to jerk up, towards Suna. Suna tried to give her her most reassuring look. She wanted Angie to know, that she shouldn’t feel bad about herself, that she could feel comfortable, talking to her. Because Suna truly Cared for Angie. She wanted Angie to feel Better.

  Angie seemed to fight herself, her million emotions cshing with each other, like a hectic, vicious, Free-For-All.

  A Victor was decided.

  Angie removed her hand, out from under Suna’s.

  Angie didn’t bolt. She just sat there.

  Exuding an overwhelming Sadness.

  “...Why?” Suna asked.

  “...because… we’re different.” Those words cut Suna’s fragile heart. “You… you’re so Bright… You’re Pure… I’m… Dirty…” Angie spoke solemnly. Yet her voice seemed so weak.

  Suna looked at Angie. She prepared herself for the worst words to come from her, yet… Pain. Hurt. Doubt. Worry. Despair. They came, nonetheless. Suna couldn’t form words.

  Angie continued. “It… It just wouldn’t make sense. If we… were Together.” Angie Grimaced. “I don’t… Deserve you. I’m… Nothing…” Angie cried. “Nothing, but someone… who Hurts others.” Her shoulders caved in, her head fallen, her face covered by her long hair.

  Suna considered giving up. She told herself, that this person doesn’t want to be with her. That they’d be better off without her, without someone as Monstrous and Grotesque and Broken as her. That she should find someone more like her. That she shouldn’t Burden her, and her Friends, with her antics, her Ignorance, with Her.

  She told herself, to consider her Friends, how they felt. It would be Respectful to afford them their own opinions and Feelings. This was how Angie felt. She should Respect that. She should observe that, and Let Her Go.

  Suna really did think of doing those things. Of Accepting this. Of ‘Letting’ Things Happen.

  …

  But…

  She just couldn’t.

  Why?

  Because…

  She’d break.

  If she did.

  That wasn’t an option.

  But she didn’t want to Force Angie to be with her. That was… Disgusting to her.

  No… she has to Change.

  She has to do something Different.

  Something she didn’t try, Last time.

  Things aren’t so Bck and White.

  Hasn’t she learned Anything? This Whole Time?

  Things aren’t so Simple.

  People aren’t so Simple.

  They don’t just Choose something, and then do it.

  They don’t just Feel something, and then ‘Move On’.

  No…

  There’s More to it.

  Maybe Suna didn’t Get It.

  Maybe she was Ignorant.

  Maybe… she was Vile. Disgusting. Abhorrent. A Monster.

  But…

  There was something.

  Something More.

  Something More, in the Hearts,

  Of these People, of Her,

  Of Everyone.

  She couldn’t just give in.

  Even when it seemed that was the only Polite, Reasonable, NORMAL thing to do.

  She

  Had

  Enough.

  Of Normalcy.

  “Angie.”

  Angie looked at her. Angie… didn’t know what to make of her expression.

  “Could you… tell me Why you think, that you’re…” Suna’s voice cracked. Doubt. She was Overstepping. She should Let Her Go!

  NO!

  “Why…” Suna’s voice was shaking, it was breaking. “Why do you…”

  Suna looked at Angie.

  She was Crying, but it was Beautiful, to Angie: she was Reaching, she was Pursuing, she was Not Giving Up, even through the Tears, even through the Doubt,

  “Why, do you think,” Suna let open, the tight, constricted floodgates. Of her Heart. “Why, why, are, you… Hurting?”

  Angie Felt the Question. She couldn’t simply shrug it off. She Had to Respond.

  “I, Suna, I’m…” She looked at Suna. “I’m, Weird! I, I Confessed to you, You, who’s… so Innocent! I, Someone Like Me, I, I Thought, for a Second, that, that I Could Have Someone Like You, To Myself!! That, That Thought, is, it’s Unforgivable!!!”

  Angie practically yelled her Feelings.

  Suna grabbed Angie. By the Shoulders. She pushed her down, onto the Bed. She had a Look on her Face, one reminiscent… of when she fights. That Smile…

  “So what? You Think, that you’re Dirty?” Suna hopped onto a completely Stunned Angie. “You Think, that you’re Weird? Abnormal?” Suna put her arms on Angie’s shoulders, leaning in. “You Think, that you’re Undeserving of Me? That I’m, too, Pure, for You?” Suna made brazen eye contact with the shivering girl. “Heh. Angie. If You’re Dirty…” Suna lowered her head, to Angie’s Neck. She Bit it.

  Angie… was completely shell-shocked. She y still, on the bed.

  Suna raised her head back. “Then, Now? I’m Dirty, Too. Heheh.”

  Suna id on top of Angie, who id on her back. Completely motionless.

  Suna sort of got caught up in the heat of the moment. But she didn’t like this pedestal that her Friends were pcing her on. She wasn’t some Pure, Innocent Child, she was a Person, a nearly grown Adult. She didn’t like being Looked at like that. She didn’t like being Misunderstood, and Misinterpreted.

  “...and maybe, Angie…”

  Angie looked down at her. Submission. Huh? I don’t want to control her, or be her Master… why is she looking at me like that? Suna tried to ignore the strange Look Angie was giving her.

  “Maybe, Angie… maybe, you can teach me, a little bit.” Suna wrapped her arms around Angie. “...About the Things I don’t know. About… Love…”

  Angie gulped.

  –

  Angie woke up. Feeling… Irritated.

  Angie thought that Suna had uttered the most Lascivious, Indecent words she had ever heard, no, conceived; she had Prepared herself, her Heart, for Anything…

  But this stupid girl just wrapped her arms around her and Fell Asleep! Angie rolled her eyes, as she looked down, at the Contentful, Peaceful, sleeping Girl.

  …

  Angie could… barely even process her interaction with Suna, the Night before. That… Bite… The Heat within her rose, just thinking about it. But…

  She was Happy. Maybe… she was Mistaken. Maybe she Misunderstood Suna. Maybe Suna… did want to be with her. Maybe… Maybe Angie should stop feeling so bad about herself, maybe she could just… be Normal… no… Be Herself, around Suna. Maybe Suna wasn’t some sort of Pure, Innocent, Fragile thing. Haha, just thinking that thought, after seeing what she did to that Ant… it just didn’t make sense.

  Angie reevaluated Suna. She reconsidered her Feelings, what Suna Meant to her. And… she was Happy. That Suna… that Suna… accepted. her. That she… even someone, who Hurt her so badly, who was so Inconsiderate, so, gross, that, even her… she still Accepted her. Wanted to be with her. Would stoop down, to her level… just to be… close with her…

  Angie was probably overthinking things. But how could she fight this Hope in her heart? This raging Desire? To Be With Suna, for… for the rest of her Life? Trying to suppress it was… a hopeless endeavor. But she resolved herself. She knew just how Oblivious and Misleading Suna could be. Trying to match herself to Suna’s pace, her pce, Angie resolved herself. To do, That Impossible Thing.

  But that Fight would have to wait, ter. For now… she was going to Indulge herself. In Suna’s beautiful, cute face. In this person, who… accepted the worst parts of her.

  Angie’s Love Grew.