Okay, this is just embarrassing.
I whine as the girls start circling me, scrutinizing my technique. I know how to eat people! I might not have been doing it for as long as they have, but it’s usually not this hard. I’ve got lots of recipes and lots of souls that prove I know what I’m doing. Why the fuck isn’t this working?!
[Soul Poison]
[-100 x4 HP]
[30 x4 -Resentment]
[-50 x4 Karma]
[Ghost Pot: +120/-0]
[Resentment: +734530/-435969]
[Max Will: 9,579,451]
[HP: 9,578,975]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1831140/24408151]
[Current Qi: 1905395/957945100]
[Current Karma: 97632607/107275977]
Hopefully I get used to this bullshit soon. I don’t get poisoned, I am the poison!
“Oh!”
One of the girls darts forward, snatching a red wood pendant that was hanging from under Discount Ninja’s scarf turned face mask. Suddenly there’s a double of Discount Ninja the same color as the pendant that one of the girls is holding up, even though she’s paying more attention to the expression of pain and fear on the half eaten face than the item in her hand. The substitute landed on its back, so the rictus of death is super visible. Weird. And I bite into Discount Ninja’s head like a giant apple. Egg. There’s a gooey center after a hard shell, so definitely egg.
[Soul Poison]
[-100 x4 HP]
[30 x4 -Resentment]
[-50 x4 Karma]
[Ghost Pot: +120/-0]
[Resentment: +734530/-436209]
[Max Will: 9,579,451]
[HP: 9,578,945]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1831140/24408051]
[Current Qi: 1905395/957945100]
[Current Karma: 97632207/107275977]
Sweet smoked pork. I guess with fat?
“It was a life-saving treasure!” the girl without the pendant jumps, clapping her hands together on landing, knees bent to absorb the impact like she can’t fly. Or is it just a common pose? “You stopped it from working!”
That’s handy. I keep chewing, trying to figure out why Discount Ninja tastes like sweet glazed barbecue pork. Definitely a good flavor, very rich, but why?
“Try this!” the girls jump in place and clap, the life saving treasure at their feet.
Little Corpse walks around me, grabbing the arm just above the rest, and snapping the hand off with a quick squeeze and a push of his thumb. I keep a grip on my barbecued pork, holding it up by the neck, my thumb pressing into the flesh under the jaw as I reach out and break off a finger of the apparently carved wood treasure.
Tastes like chocolate and puffed sweet rice. And there’s crunchy bits? I take another bite, trying to identify where the texture changes before looking closely.
-There’s nails!- There are literally nails embedded in the wood. How’d they get those in there? -Okay, so the nails are the crunchy sweet rice parts,- I explain, pulling one loose with my teeth. -It’s like a giant molded candy.-
Feels like a trap. Little Corpse shoves his hand into the center of the statues chest, reaching in to get a grip, then splitting it in half. It’s got metal spheres embedded down the center, but other than that, it’s solid.
-Sweet! Not a trap! I hate when they have hollow centers,- I explain. So disappointing. -Thank you! I was too afraid to look. The disappointment hurts sometimes...-
He deposits the broken treasure, the girls make sad faces until I point out that I don’t wear jewellery, keeping the disc of choco goodness, and then I turn back to my barbecue long pig. That was a good idea.
I reach down and pull off a finger, nibbling it like a chicken wing, pulling the flesh from the bone. The scarily smokey flesh. Why is the flavor so intense? It’s like something not the coal, caught fire and burned, and instead of tasting like ash the flesh tastes like smoke and meat, not smoked meat. I finish the meat then crunch on the bone.
The bone tastes like honey. Like honey candy when it crunches. So the crunchy honey and super smokey meat gives sweet smoked pork? I still don’t hate it.
[Soul Poison]
[-100 x4 HP]
[30 x4 -Resentment]
[-50 x4 Karma]
[Ghost Pot: +120/-0]
[Resentment: +734530/-436209]
[Max Will: 9,579,451]
[HP: 9,579,365]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1831140/24408051]
[Current Qi: 1905395/957945100]
[Current Karma: 97632207/107275977]
-*Tch! Will this ever stop?!- I ask before biting into the head again. -I don’t like the texture of the brains. I can’t even figure out if I like the taste because the texture is so distracting!*-
Little Corpse swings, his sickle taking the head clear off, and then he deposits it, stepping back and letting me eat.
So fucking handy. He just gets me.
-You guys want chairs?- I ask my little helpers.
“The cushions,” Little Corpse requests, and then he’s holding the two outdoor cushions for the girls.
-What do you want?- He deserves something for his service.
“I’ll just read while you eat,” he waves me off, sitting down in a corner. He pulls out a small table, a tea set, and a manual, looking for all the world like he’s just enjoying a good book in corpse makeup. “Just keep eating.”
I shrug, withdrawing a table for the girls. I give Little Corpse permission to Request food, glaring at him and hoping he understands its for personal use. We’re not trying to feed the world here. The girls get little plates of candied hawthorn and bitter jelly along with unsweetened tea. Tch! That ice cream must’ve blown their minds!
“No sugar added,” Little Corpse says, drawing a look of wide-eyed gaping mouth horror from me. “They don’t have a sweet tooth.”
Blasphemy! Old biddies hiding in young bodies!
Ow!
[Soul Poison]
[-100 x4 HP]
[30 x4 -Resentment]
[-50 x4 Karma]
[Ghost Pot: +120/-0]
[Resentment: +734530/-438729]
[Max Will: 9,579,451]
[HP: 9,579,352]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1831140/24407001]
[Current Qi: 1905395/957945100]
[Current Karma: 97628007/107275977]
“Give me some Qi. Regular. I need to test something.”
I look up to see Little Corpse looming over me while I’m drumming on the exposed ribs, slurping up smoked bacon flavored innards, idly humming while the girls play hand games that involve the winner lightly slapping the loser, and the loser doing some truly comic book style expressions in response.
-Are you trying to cycle Qi? You should learn how to cycle essence. I did the steps backwards,- I point out. When the fuck did I become so knowledgeable.
“How am I supposed to get essence?” Little Corpse shuffles, rolling his head and staring down at me in annoyance.
-It’s literally everywhere. The world would be dead without it. And there’s probably a fuck ton of death essence from all this ghost bullshit the Sect does. Learn how to find it. Cycle it. You make Qi once you can condense it,- I tell him. Where the fuck am I pulling all of this good advice from. -I made you a quality body. Use it.- I turn from him to the girls, still chewing up my meat noodle. -Teach him how to cycle essence.-
-*It’s Qi then Essence! Essence to Qi is what you did, you backwards vault bug!*- one of the girls exclaims indignantly while the other waves for Little Corpse to join her in moving his shit over to where they’re sitting.
-I knew I did it backwards, I just don’t remember how,- I remind them, trying to remember where I left off in my song.
-First off, cycle your inner Qi before trying to grab any outside Essence! Purify it! The more you refine it, the better it’ll be later on.-
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
- ? ... highway... ? Ah!- I remember where I left off and continue “playing” the song while humming lightly.
I finally finish the corpse, dusting my hands off as I chew the last pinky toe. I chug some tea that’s been steeping in my void, sniffing idly and glaring at the smell of waste. Yeah, I took my time enjoying my food, and I probably could have taken longer if I really maximized the value of the corpse, what with turning it into soups, sides, and dumplings instead of just eating it raw, but that’s not what this was about. They hurt me, so they’d have to make sure I got better.
-Who’s next?- I ask, putting it to a vote.
“You finished healing before you got to your ‘noodles’,” Little Corpse intones, keeping his back straight, legs crisscross as he sits on the ground meditating.
[Name: Kisandera, “Sandy”, Eclipsed Rainbow]
[Affiliation(s): Thousand Valleys, Seven Moons, Companion of the Sacred Phoenix Sovereign, Inner Void Productions, Wimble Sunrise, Scarlet Silk Society, Hunter’s Association, Vengeful Ghost Flame Sect]
[Race: Celestial Void Moth Queen[Shattered] (Saint)] ??
[Current Form: Hunan]
[Current Realm: Shimmering(Tier 5)]
[Current Karma: 97628207/107275977]
[Master: Shimmering Steel]
[Familiar: Fuck Face (Ghostly Servant)]
[Contracts: Sweet Pea Blossom and Chrysanthemum Petal, , , , ]
[Max Will: 9579451]
[Ghost Pot: +120/-0]
[Resentment: +734630/-438829]
[HP: 9579451]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1831141/24407051]
[Current Qi: 1905395/957945100]
[Mortal Wallet: 12E,692K,180P,697R,179Da,258De,2605k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1325Di,126Co,10679St]
What the fuck? I clean up while glaring at my Status screen.
-Oy! How do I hide Familiar and Contracts? Wait. No. Who all can see my Status?-
-Anyone strong enough,- one of the girls says, blinking to look at me like I asked a stupid question.
I don’t know what the basics for hunans is! I see lots of shit!
-*Well we can see your name and health and will, but we think your information is for you as a bank, not as a fighter, because you’re very weak willed in a fight,*- one of them clarifies, and at least now I know that that’s weird to them, too.
-And you have a lot of stuff still in chests and bags, regular storage that you don’t bother with,- the other girl says, and I wonder how much of my bank they can see. -We can’t. Little Corpse told us.-
I was wondering why they had so much leeway when they’re under contract instead of just “my shit”. Little Corpse is smooth with his assistance.
See? We broken servants are very useful. Let the world look at us and tell us we’re not! How many times have we proven them wrong?
“Someone sounded a Ghost Whistle,” Little Corpse says before climbing to his feet.
“What’s a Ghost Whistle?” I ask the group cowering in one corner because they already pissed and shat in the other. And get wide-eyed, slack-jawed looks in return.
“You --,” one of them starts, flinching and shutting up as the disciples exchange looks.
“Watches as all of the food in the pantry exchanges looks,” I say out loud.
Do I really have to remind them that I’ll eat them? I took hours picking apart and eating the other one. They know! They watched me!
“But you’re a spirit,” one of them snaps, the others flinching. “How do you not know what a Ghost Whistle is?!”
“I’m a spirit beast,” I frown. They think I’m a ghost. “Ghosts didn’t bother me before I met you assholes.”
“They did, you just didn’t notice. Hunan Resentments don’t pertain to spirit beasts,” Little Corpse says with a stretch. He gives a wave and I reabsorb my silk, but get nothing for how expensive it is to make. “You’re being punished for failing as a producer.”
“I produce tons of stuff!” I shout as I transfer us to the village. Those fuckers can sit and spin on their “Ghost Whistle”!
Who’s been lying on me?! Let them do an audit!
“Producing things as in making and selling. You make and use. If it’s not cycling out in the world it doesn’t count. You gained your power by being a producer, then you stopped producing. See how the gods punish you!” the girls say, one of them stopping to stand with her feet shoulder width apart, pointing at me with her other fist on her hip. The other just scrunches up her face in a frowning glare.
“How are they punishing me?” I’m not losing that much karma, am I? And I’m not being charged for my robes.
“Tch! You don’t check Essence cost,” dramatic stance says, rolling her head and turning her back on me as she keeps walking.
“You were rewarded very handsomely for spinning. Now you’re charged a life for the attempt!” the quiet girl says dramatically, eyes widening as she makes a snatching motion.
Are there theatres? These bishes miss the theatre, don’t they?
“‘Charged a life’?”
How much is Entomb?
Entomb
Condensed Qi | 0
Qi | -100
Karma | -10
I stare blankly, trying to figure out how that’s the value of a life. And I can’t. I take a breath to ask and all three of them groan.
“What?!”
Silent Howl:
100 Qi is more than the average Commoner has in their entire being back where you were found.
And 100 Karma can release you from the cycle between this life and the next.
And a Ghost Whistle is used to rile up the dead. Think of it as Soul Poison, not the drink, to Spirits that don’t have flesh.
That doesn’t make sense. Why did the others think the spirits would come after me if they blew a Ghost Whistle? Wouldn’t the spirits go after them?
-The ghosts inside you,- one of the girls says and I realize that everyone is looking at me with hollow expression, looking haunted AF.
“Oh!” That would be bad.
“You’re back!”
I look up to see a monk running with a large pole in one hand, just pointing up to the sky as they sprint at me while frowning. Tch. What am I getting blamed for now?
“These bastards won’t let up!” another monk says as they run up. They keep finding ways to stir up the old Resentments, and we can’t find them to stop them!”
“They’re making their move,” Little Corpse says as a corpse soldier runs into the middle of town before collapsing into a marker.
“That can’t be --,” I don’t get to make any dramatic proclamations as a Disciple appears next to the marker mid sneeze.
“Vengeful Ghost Disciple,” one girl says.
“He used a Ghost Whistle,” Little Corpse says before the disciple stands up.
“He’s not a Corpse Manipulator,” says the other.
“He’s weak,” the first girl’s lip curls in distaste.
Did he just try to flex with a cheap shot and a dramatic entrance? The girls are just tearing into him. Guess they’re not happy either.
“We’re here for the Catastrophe!” he bellows into the still air. He’s smirking now, but let’s see his expression when he sees the monks.
-“We” who?- I snap. He looks around, does a quick spin, and I think he got sent off on his own.
“Doesn’t matter!” he shouts loudly, really straining and giving those lungs a workout. “My servant against your servant! If you win? We’ll stop trying to Awaken the Resentments into a powerful Spirit. If we win? You fuck off!”
Where’s Widow’s Sigh to tell this dude to fuck off? No? Just me?
-Sure?- If he takes out Little Corpse, I’ll just make him a new body.
“No cheating!” he shrieks, still red faced. He stumbles and I realize he really is screaming himself light-headed.
-Says the bish who ran in throwing cheap shots,- I snort as Little Corpse walks around me, sickle at the ready.
“Shut up!” he screeches while holding up a script paper. When he rips it in half there’s smoke and a ghost servant of the conscious zombie variety stands up from a half crouch. “Bring out your servant and watch it get destroyed!”
-Yo!- I say leaning around Little Corpse to point up at him. -He’s been out. You’re the one stalling. See if I don’t track you down later. Have a light dinner.-
His stunned expression would be hilarious if the girls didn’t take turns making faces at each other all day. Bug-eyed, bent over like he got punched in the gut, lips pursed. Still pretty funny, I guess.
Fuck Face, err, Little Corpse strides forward as the other zombie shuffles forward like a broken servant, -- not with eyes like that, -- and I wait for it to juke and make a run at me. Instead Fuck, err, Little Corpse just swipes with his scythe when he’s in range, beheading the now spewing “zombie”.
Little Corpse picks up the head, banking the stone marker with his back facing the Disciple, -- bish is smooth. Fuck! His sleight of hand is on another level. Crap. I don’t wanna check my Logs to see what else he’s gotten away with, -- carries it to the girls, and kneels while presenting it. They lean forward, a wisp of fog emerging from between the lips before they exhale into one of their little soul purses, the fog dipping into the bag.
With what feels like way too much ceremony the girls turn to face me, walking in lock step side by side, heel toeing over before presenting their little pouches. And nothing happens. I try to look in, but I can see the bags of Resentment Stones are open, and just sitting in dry ice fog.
-I can’t take the spirits with the Stones in the way,- I flail at them.
Tch! And they probably need spending money, not just snacks.
[-100 x2 Spirit Stones]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1325Di,126Co,10679 -200St]
[Ghost Pot: +120/-0]
[Resentment: +734630/-441229]
[Max Will: 9,579,451]
[HP: 9,579,451]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1831141/24406051]
[Current Qi: 1905395/957945100]
[Current Karma: 97624207/107275977]
[Mortal Wallet: 12E,692K,180P,697R,179Da,258De,2605k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1325Di,126Co,10479St]
-Separate the pouches. Hide them separately so this doesn’t happen again!- I watch as the girls take out their snack and money purses, tucking them into their belts instead of their sleeves, and offer me the pouches again.
[Gift]
[3 -Ghost]
[30 -Resentment]
[3 Con. Qi]
[-30 Karma]
[Ghost Pot: +120/-3]
[Resentment: +734630/-441259]
[Max Will: 9,579,451]
[HP: 9,579,451]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1831144/24406044]
[Current Qi: 1905395/957945100]
[Current Karma: 97624177/107275977]
-Very handy! I’m going to need you three to clear out the Inner Void, so we can send the Unwilling Squatters who aren’t contributing away,- I nod to myself, stroking my chin before Little Corpse reaches over and starts banking the Shards that are just sitting in me. -Lemme try one of those,- I ask and he holds the last one up before I even finish speaking. -Good man.-
Now that they’re not deadly they just taste like fried dough. They’re not as crumbly as I thought they’d be. Or crunchy. They’re actually kinda chewy, but I don’t know if that’s becasue they were sitting in me so long. Not salty or sweet. Just chewy fried dough.
-I guess this is one of those things that needs dip,- I shrug before turning to the other cultivator who has been subtly moving around trying to find his marker without being super obvious about it. -You guys forgot I grabbed the girls for insurance, didn’t you?-
He screams, the girls scream, and then his arms are draped over their shoulders, his head lowered while they giggle, and all of my “Get the FUCK out of here!” alarms are going off.
