Chapter 18

  i watch from the hallway my hands clutching the wooden frame of my bedroom door my nails digging into the grain mom and dad are yelling again but this time it feels different this time something is breaking apart and i don’t know how to stop it maybe no one does

  sei pazza crazy you’re endangering us you’re endangering the family you’re endangering yourself you’re endangering me dad shouts his face red his hands balled into fists at his sides i might lose my job what will we do then

  mom just stands there arms crossed jaw tight she doesn’t flinch doesn’t back down i can’t stop now she says her voice firm but not angry just certain you think i can just walk away

  you were arrested nora arrested and you still want to go back out there dads voice cracks he’s furious but hes also scared i can see it in his eyes

  mom doesn’t answer she just stares at him and i feel something crackling in the silence between them something that used to be strong something that held our family together is tearing apart right in front of me

  dad shakes his head laughs but theres no humor in it just disbelief then he yells Vaffanculo! the words slam into the walls of our home echoing through the hallway moms eyes flicker and then she turns picks up her bag

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  i want to say something i want to stop her but i can’t my throat is tight and my heart is pounding

  the door swings open she steps out into the night it slams shut behind her just like that shes gone

  and now i feel it the fear the confusion like im stuck between two worlds i don’t know whos right dad whos afraid whos trying to protect us whos thinking about what happens next or mom whos standing up for what she believes who wont back down even when everything is falling apart

  i look at the tv its all over the country protests the government fighting back parents of my best friends losing their jobs teachers losing their jobs people from my class their parents fired overnight everything is crashing down no one knows what the future is no one knows what happens next

  mom always said study stem study math study computers physics she said thats the future but now what even she the smartest person i know is unemployed so what does that mean for me for us for everything

  are they gonna divorce it feels like they will i never thought this would happen not to my family not to them they used to be perfect and now theyre just screaming at each other and slamming doors and its like i don’t even know who they are anymore

  and then for just a second i think about it i think about ending it i think about getting a blade pressing it against my skin watching the blood drip out just for a second just to see what it would feel like

  but then the thought disappears and im just left here on the floor shaking my back against the doorframe my hands in my hair and i don’t know what to do i don’t know who to be i don’t even know if there is a future anymore