I gotta admit this is pretty cool.” Duffy said standing on the top of the Tast-E-Chill as the wind blew her hair and Greg stood to the side, peering off in the distance like he was riding a nostalgia high.

  “Nothing makes a Captain feel truly free like sailing the high seas. Doesn’t get much higher than 6000 miles up.” Greg boasted as the ship splashed, not on water, but a heavier layer of cloud, more like a meringue or shaving cream.

  "Oh I'm high alright." Duffy said holding up a compass and blowing smoke.

  "You stole Marley's weed compass?" he asked. "The compass that only points towards weed?" Greg puzzled.

  "He keeps his weed in there. Ironically ruins the point of a compass that points to weed when it's full of weed. Just spins all the time. I also hid some in Izzy's purse in case we run out." she added.

  "Nice…UPW, Universe positioning weed. Just look at that open space, Gas giant system, every color you can dream of and about 4 you can't, because you have shitty human eyes. No word can express just how vibrant the infrared belt looks from here." Greg said peering through the clouds.

  "Hella vibrant?" she asked.

  "Close enough for me. Ah, barwench. Fetch ye Captain Bluebeard a warm ale!" he sneered. Izzy approached, annoyed as usual.

  “Greg we live in space. It doesn’t get any more open space than literal space.” Izzy said rolling her eyes.

  “Yea, but space sucks. It’s cold and lifeless and dark. Lightyears between signs of anything, no air so you can't hear anything. It's dark and silent and lonely as hell. Space is being locked in a dark closet that goes on forever. Sailing the seas is different. The salty spray, the aquatic life below, the varying degrees of toxic elements in the air that give it that crispness and slight burn.” he said like a true sea-dog as he handed the spyglass to Duffy.

  “Amazing. A whole planetary system scrunched around a red giant so tightly that traveling between them can be done conveniently quick. All of the planet’s equally sized gas giants with a layer of cloud just barely buoyant enough to float a starship on, like an old sailing ship-ship.” Duffy nodded.

  “Why are we doing this, again?” asked Izzy.

  “Because it’s awesome, and because we had to meet the buyer who wants the compass, remember the compass Marley carries around that only points due-marijuana? We’re this close to the best sailing spots in the universes and you wanna meet the guy in orbit?” Greg scoffed. "Not when we can take this opportunity to see this."

  “Greg, this is just your bizarre need to be a badass in every situation. You're just playing pirate solely to be a badass.”

  “A happy accident, as the immortal Bob Ross would say. I cann't help it if by indulging and enjoying my circumstanced that I happen to be a badass in the process. I never asked for this greatness, I’m just the way that bio-lab 7738433 made me.” He informed, placing his sunglasses on his face slowly as Izzy rolled hr eyes.

  "Well while you're endangering the mortals by pretending to be a sea-pirate or whatever, I'll be down in the ship, where it's safe." she noted.

  "You scared of a little jostling?" he chuckled.

  "Just a little queasy." she shrugged.

  "Everyone else is having a great time, Izz." he scoffed. "Only you would get sick from this serene and tranquil rocking of the seas of-"

  "HuuuuuUUUAGGGGH!" heaved Lawg, barfing off the side of the ship. Duffy shook her head.

  "Wow. A captain who get's sea-sick on his own ship." Duffy sighed.

  "It's a space-ship Duff, I don’t get zero-G sick. This thing was never intended to float on anything and rock around like a big, stupid, rubber duck." he said spitting over the stern.

  "Well, lucky for you I see the meeting dock out there, so it won't be long before we're back in space. Just enjoy the feel of fresh air and methane." Greg sighed.

  "Is that what smells like flu-farts? I assumed Lawg was the blame for that. Maybe Marley and Menace stayed behind for a good reason." Duffy noted.

  "No that horrid smell is still Lawg. Menace stayed behind because she can't breathe in this air, and Marley stayed behind because Menace wouldn’t let him go.

  "What if he has to take a dump?" asked Duffy.

  "That's not my business and we shouldn’t worry about such things, especially while Lawg is farting up a storm here. Methane clouds don’t hold a candle to the flatulence of a sea-sick man running on only sugar-beer for 2 weeks solid."

  You can't light a candle, we'll all explode, and nothing about this is solid!" Lawg shrieked.

  "Figure of speech, Lumber-Jack. Besides, the proportions are not right for combustion. I personally guarantee nothing is going to explode this mission. My cut of the profit as my word, that if there is any explosion, and there won't be, it will have nothing to do with my fault." Greg foreshadowed naively. The SS Tast-E-Chill of Piratey Arrrg and lots of Yaaar, came to a stop beside the loading ramp of the floating way station. They strutted across the wooden plank to the meeting spot as Lawg checked his phone, almost barfing again.

  "You set the anchor magnets?" Greg asked.

  "Obviously. Besides nobody can hack Osirian codes anyway so it's redundant because nobody can hack Osirian codes anyway, obviously." Lawg yawned.

  "But you did set them anyway." asked Izzy.

  "Sure." he nodded. Izzy looked at Greg and turned back to set the anchor magnets that Lawg probably didn’t set.

  Izzy opened the door and scanned her retinas for access. The moment she did a brick thumped her in the back of the neck, a very oddly specific place to aim unless you were familiar with Osirian anatomy…and bricks. The hell are these bricks coming from? She woke to see a collar around her neck and an open airlock door facing the trillion foot drop to the planet's center, along with 2 scraggly men searching the ship. The bald one gave her a pirate smile, lacking in teeth and waving the remote to her shock collar to add compliance.

  "Oh, look who's awake. What's your name?" he asked.

  "Izleena Orra Gravenstead Greggar-" she started. He smirked. She looked confused. "Oopse, Almost said Greggarious." she giggled nervously. He scanned her. His eyes widened and he sent a text to someone.

  "Greggarious." He said to the other with a grin. "I think we just got a promotion."

  "Weeeel, fart." she sighed.

  Greg stood with an annoyed silence as he held the compass he didn’t sell for any money. The docking plank lead to nowhere.

  "Maybe she went to get some food. Lotta good fish joints around here…Izzy like fish particularly well?" Duffy suggested as they stood there spotting the Tast-E-Chill sailing off without them.

  "At least I brought rum, so we won't starve." Lawg said sipping his bottle.

  "How exactly did we just get robbed of our ship?" Greg asked.

  "Stealing a ship is shockingly easy around here with them just floating and usually only watched by 1 or 2 inept guards." Lawg shrugged. "I would have thought Osirian technology would make a better security system though."

  "It is…Osirian security systems are completely hacker-proof. The only thing that could hack Osirian technology is an Osirian, and aside from me and Izzy there's only one Osirian in this universe." Greg said looking worried. "Jenny."

  Jenny smiled, puffing on a cigarette as she finished sharpening her cutlass and sheathed it at the good news.

  "Looks like someone is getting promoted to first officer." she smirked, strutting around playfully as she went to inspect her prize. She paused, her smile fading to disappointment as she noticed Izzy tied to a chair behind the protective glass, instead of Greg. She turned from the glass and towards the terrified bald man.

  "What the hell is this?" she asked.

  "It's what you wanted." he replied.

  "This isn't the one I asked for!" Shouted Captain Jenypher Smith, applying her mask for intimidation and secrecy as she opened the door and got a better look.

  "We scanned her, the DNA profile matched the species. You said he could be in a different body, but he would be Osirian, like you. She's the proper age, less than 6 weeks. She even said her last name was Greggarious!" he objected.

  "You brought me the wrong Greggarious. I wanted Greg, not his whore." She barked through the mask as she stormed into the room.

  "Why would she say Greggarious?" asked baldy

  "Because her clone was married to Greg's son. She'd cloned from Izleena Greggarious; it was probably a subconscious slip."

  "Wow, Osirian relations really are weird."

  "How can you get them mixed up? He's male, bearded, built like a blacksmith, hell he was a blacksmith for centuries! Does she look like a blacksmith?" Jenny asked.

  "We didn’t want to seem sexist. Ladies can be blacksmiths too now."

  "His blood is the key to immortality, not hers. If I wanted regular Osirian blood I would have just used mine. Only Greg is a pureblood elder, Generation Zero, unprinted and infused with the nanobots from our universe that I need to raise an army." She said, shoving into the room to inspect her. "What good does a basic-ass Izzy do me?"

  "I'm not basic!" she argued.

  "You're literally like the 8th copy of the same chick." Jenny snipped shittily. She slammed the door and took her mask off, breathing heavy.

  "We could hold her ransom." he shrugged

  "He wouldn’t give himself up for her, he can just print a new one and start from scratch, she's only got a few months of new memory since the print."

  "Seems heartless letting an original suffer and die, even if you could print a new Izzy and only have to start that far." the pirate thing muttered.

  "You get used to it." she snipped. "The side effects just become part of your charm." she growled.

  "What if he's sentimental or loves her?" he asked.

  "I was married to the guy, he's a heartless monster without a shred of sentiment. The only reason he's even doing her is because she's the only Osirian on his ship and he has to do someone. It's Greg. He's not the sentimental type."

  Greg sighed harshly at the desk of the pawn shop.

  "Cant…it's sentimental" Greg haggled, trying to pawn off some crap to the pawn shop and refusing to sell Izzy’s lucky keychain.

  "Well whatever Osirian credits are, they mean nothing here. We accept gold and pieces of eight. Pieces of ten if you have enough of them pre-rolled. That compass is the only thing I see worth trading." the fat alien shrugged.

  "Look Jabba, My ship just got stolen with my woman onboard, so I need a shuttle with some guns on it or I'm about to dump a whole ton of salt on your sluggy-ass. Savvy?" Greg snarled.

  "Don’t bother. He doesn’t intimidate." Said a tall woman in black, wearing a feathered cap and jingling when she walked, like she was carrying some serious metal. Her curly red hair and extensive tattoos suggested she was someone who could get things, not necessarily legal things by the look of the illegal ivory hog-ring.

  "You got a nice compass there on you. Would you trade it if I get your woman back?" asked the woman, illuminating her reflective yellow eyes with the light of her pipe.

  "If I get her back in one piece, you can have the damn compass." Greg said approaching cautiously.

  "And the ship." hollered Lawg. “I want my ship back!”

  "And the ship if it's not too inconvenient…if it is, then just the woman." Greg added.

  "Hey, that ship is like my woman, I’ve been with her longer than you’ve had Izzy.”

  “Ignore him” said Greg “he’s an idiot. So is the compass really so valuable or do you have another reason for wanting to tag along?”

  “That compass isn’t the real prize, the prize is where your friend is stored, if she was taken by who I think. She has caused a lot of trouble since she arrived, and most of my kind would want her gone. I’m interested because you have her eyes.”

  “Izzy’s been here for an hour and already annoyed the locals?" asked Lawg.

  “Not your woman…the short bitch who took her. She calls herself Captain Smith.” Smirked Barbary, puffing away and looking serious.

  “Oh lord, I can’t get away from her.” Greg sighed.

  "I don’t get it.” Lawg uttered as Duffy threw her arms up.

  “Keep up Lawg, you woody burnout ash-hole. What Osirian other than Izzy and Greg would have those eyes and cause a bunch of mayhem…who’s last name is Smith? Literally 3 of them in the universe.” Duffy asked. “It’s freaking Jenny.”

  "Oh no, I hate that chick. She really sucks.” Lawg gasped.

  "No kidding.” Said Barbary “She showed up and started doing the crazy-eyes and everyone just started following her, she took over the black market abduction franchise in a day. That bitch cost me a lot of business and nobody can explain to me why she just bats her eyes and people drop their shit and obey." she said, crossing her arms.

  "It's a rare thing our species does, specifically the females, and only the elders. Jenny is one of the old ones and she has a gift…which usually ends up being my curse. I'm starting to think the ship is cursed, the curse of the Tast-E-Chill." he said dramatically.

  "That's actually the name of your ship? I'm so sorry. Why can't she be killed? I've seen her take a bullet to the back and barely flinch." Barbary asked.

  "You can kill an Osirian, it's just really hard, and a pistol isn't gonna do the job unless you got some really high-end technology bullets. Antimatter does the trick but you gotta get through the soft tissue and Osirian flesh is like trying to cut flexible stone. I can kill her, but if I get close enough to do it, and lock eyes with her, I stop wanting to do it."

  "I can get the ammunition, but any gun firing it would burn up after one round, so you'll have just one shot. To get close, you need a key." Barbary said, looking at Duffy "Why do you look so familiar?"

  "No reason, a key you say?" Duffy diverted.

  "Something about you looks too familiar for comfort, you need a disguise. Actually, you all need one. You guy's stand out like morons. You look a lot like a pirate that used to sail here, troublemaker type. Black-heart LaCroix." Barbary said.

  "Nope, Duffy… Rodriguez. No relation. So about them disguises?" Duffy LaCroix diverted.

  "There, you'll blend in nicely." said Barbary. Duffy snickered to herself.

  "You guys look like the 2 musketeers that the other 4 were too ashamed to tell anyone about. Derptanion the sissy, and Gregthose the fat."

  "Why am I fat?" Greg asked, poking the padded belly.

  "Because Corth are always fat. You need to blend in. Not a lot of options for a guy as big as you. Corth are about your size and color, in bad lighting, but I've never seen a lean Corth. Most of them are just dumb brutes, blacksmiths and laborers, Here's a hammer to complete the look, you old blacksmith." she smirked.

  "So I get to be a fat demigod with a hammer, that's attractive." he sighed as Lawg chuckled.

  "A fat, drunk demigod alien, who can't go home and lost his woman. This is the endgame for your dignity. It's about as low as you can get, only worthy to wield a silly hammer." Lawg muttered.

  "Says the guy in a dress." Greg whispered.

  "Corth females basically just look like smaller thinner men. He won't pass as a pirate, he won't pass for male either." shrugged Barbary.

  "Ha." Greg jabbed.

  "Like you've never worn a dress before. You wore a skirt and tube-top last week."

  "Yea but that's different, I was a woman at the time." Greg shrugged. Barbary looked very confused. Greg defended with a look of indifference. "The point is that I make a sexy-ass man and a smoking-hot woman, Lawg just looks like a sniffling boy-bitch in a dress" Greg explained.

  "How is looking like a woman and dressing like one, worse than actually having ladyparts half the time?" Lawg argued.

  "Regular women have lady parts all the time, and they're awesome. You're basically just posing and doing it poorly. You're like the diet soda of drag queens." Greg chuckled. "Bitch zero…no sugar, no calories, no balls." he chuckled, fist-bumping Duffy.

  "More like a drag servant girl. Lawg doesn’t even approach a princess, let alone a queen." Duffy joked.

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  "You aliens are all completely insane." Barbary shook her head. "That's a good trait for the mission we're going for. Anyway Duffy can be my wife." she added. Lawg burst out laughing.

  "Um…I actually prefer men." Duffy muttered.

  "There are no males of my species and that's all you can reasonably pass for. Just how it goes. Put in the contacts. You're my wife, Greg is my fat-Corth bodyguard and Lawg is his female." Barbary ordered. Lawg looked suddenly depressed.

  "So to be clear, we all hate this and we're just gonna say nothing after it's over, right?" Lawg said. They all nodded. "Cool. Let's go."

  "Don’t forget your purse." reminded Duffy.

  "I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will point intimidatingly and make idle threats." Lawg threatened idly, pointing his finger with intimidation.

  Greg looked disappointed at the fence. Lawg did as well, carefully choosing his words.

  “Okay…when you said we were stealing a ship…I thought you meant like…a ship.” Lawg said as they stared blankly at the used ship lot through the fence, at the rather feminine ship. Barbary nodded proudly at the pink and white transport near the edge.

  “This is one of the most underrated ships known to this galaxy. The T-27 Maximos is built for safety and transporting rich school kids.”

  “It’s a school bus.” Greg sighed.

  “It’s a jumbo XL transport shuttle pod. Universal docking systems, turbo drive, it’s designed to protect children and comfort them at the same time, also doubles as a VIP shuttle for high profile people who want to be discreet. If it can handle typical space turbulence without a shutter or shake, it can take heavy weapon fire without much damage. The radiation shielding is rated for high profile clients as well.”

  “Padded and pink. Damn thing looks like a plushy toy.” Greg complained. "Maximos shuttle pods aren’t intended to be sleek and pretty, they are meant to work. A T-27 maxi-pod offers better protection than just about anything else, it can even glide without power for even the most hairy emergencies. The adjustable wings make it easy to fit most bays and still move enough to navigate a landing strip. Padded interior, lots of safety features, scented air return. The energy-dampening makes it especially good at absorbing whatever hits it.” She explained.

  “I can barely contain my temptation to point out just how degrading this is.” Greg said.

  “This isn’t about you, Greg, it’s about your woman. Your lady friend is in trouble and it’s your responsibility to help her out. Now stop thinking about your pride and let’s steal this Maxi-pod and get your lady out of a desperate situation.” Duffy defended.

  “Only in the lesbian sector of space, would a ship like this exist.” Lawg sighed.

  They cruised stealthily over the fence, poorly guarded since space tends to be 3-dimensions, making border fences borderline useless fences.

  “Boy that was simple. I guess Maxi-pods are conveniently easy to get in a pinch.” Lawg nodded.

  “Easy yes, but you’d be surprised how expensive they are now that the government stopped providing them for schools and gas stations. You’d think they would be free, but that’s how federally funded things always end up.” Barbary yawned.

  "That's why I prefer the efficiency of Dictatorships, you get more done with a solid Dictator." Greg shrugged.

  "You men and your dictators." Barbary sighed.

  Greg stood at the front of the ship, checking his binoculars. Duffy approached, checking the locator.

  “Are we catching up to them, as unlikely as that seems since they had several days head start?” Duffy asked.

  “Turbo.” Explained Captain Barbary, crossing her oddly toned arms. “Ready the cannons.”

  “We can’t sink my ship.” Lawg objected. “Don’t we have some kind of fancy disabling thingy that can just overload the breakers and stop her with minimal damage to repair?” he added.

  “This is pirate territory, Lawg.” Duffy said. “You know the best way to stop a ship is to put a bunch of holes in it. Projectile weapons are the best offense against energy shielding. A big iron bullet beats a laser in this situation.” she noted.

  "Bout time we did something manly, let's see those cannons." Greg nodded.

  Lawg stood below deck looking uncomfortable.

  “I don’t even wanna touch it.” He admitted as Greg rolled his eyes. “It’s not a used Maxi-round, there is no propellant residue, it’s just a product from a factory. It’s clean and new, get over it. It's just a bullet, shove it in.” Greg said loading the cannon with the pastel white, plastic phallic projectile.

  “Not a very tight fit.” He hollered to Barbary.

  “I forgot you men never loaded one of these before. You gotta use the cotton wadding after the powder or the round doesn’t seal. The projectiles are one-size-fits-all, so the wadding swells and ensures a good fit.” she explained, stuffing the cotton cylinder into the hole.

  “Pretty sexual looking round.” Lawg muttered to Greg.

  “Makes logical sense, what fits a tube better than an elongated cylinder with a rounded end? It’s just basic geometry, stop being childish.” Greg shrugged

  “Something about this just feels uncomfortable.” Lawg sighed. "You'd think the cotton would make it load easy but it just…feels wrong."

  Duffy assisted, shoving his aside and loading the gun.

  “Everyone finds it uncomfortable, but it's necessary. It gets easier after a few times, just keep stuffing and reloading till you run out, then ask one of us if we have any spares.” Reminded Duffy

  The ship drifted beside the Tast-E-Chill as Captain Smith strutted confidently atop, the guns pointed as they both waited for the opportune moment to strike.

  “Why are we waiting?” Lawg asked softly. Greg shook his head with annoyance.

  “We wanna be completely lined up, we may only have one good shot and we need to cripple the Tast-E-Chill before she damages our ship. Aim for the airlocks, one good hit there should leave a sizeable hole.” Greg said readying his cannon. "The bigger the hole, the better."

  “But the hot-tub is behind that door.” he objected. "I prefer smaller holes, especially with that much of a water-hazard close by."

  “Nobody cares what you want.” Greg reminded.

  “Isn’t it bad to get too close to a hot tub when you’re using a Maxi-pod?” asked Lawg. "What if the water comes back and dampens the torpedoes, could it get stuck in the barrel?"

  “Hell, if I know, I’m new to this. Just let me shoot and keep to your own gun, this isn't a 2-man job, and nobody wants a spotter!" he ordered.

  “Who the hell is captain here?” asked Duffy as they all looked perplexed. “I’ve got seniority on a shuttle pod, so I might be the most qualified.” She suggested.

  “I stole the ship, it's my home turf!” reminded Barbary, looking at Lawg.

  “But I outrank my crew, and if two of them are captains, so I'm an Admiral and I outrank you.” He said to Barbary. Greg puffed up in defense.

  “Screw you all, I’m the elder by at least 140 centuries of margin, I’m more experienced and I’ve captained bigger ships with bigger guns.” Pointed out Greg.

  “Size isn’t everything, Greg.” Snipped Duffy.

  “Yea. It’s about speed and confidence!” insisted Lawg, “And as Admiral I have confidently speedy authority.” Lawg added.

  “You can’t be an admiral without a fleet, and all the Tast-E ships are currently stolen by the bitch who stole Izzy.” Duffy noted.

  “Which makes me Captain in this girl-fight!” yelled Barbary.

  “She’s right, this is not a man’s battle.” Duffy nodded. “But do try and avoid shooting the shuttle bay because my shuttle is in there.”

  “No promises, all is fair in the high seas.” Barbary said racking the slide on her cannon, because these cannons have slides apparently. The ship bumped a wave and splashed foam up across the hull.

  “All this moisture is ruining the paint on my ship. I miss space.” Lawg muttered to himself.

  “FIRE!” Barbary yelled.

  “FIRE!” yelled Captain Smith, signaling with her saber. The two ships exchanged thunderous rounds, the metal hulls denting and puncturing, but mostly denting.

  “Reload!” Duffy yelled. “Increase charges from 3 to 4, the Maxi-pod's torpedos aren’t getting enough penetration!”

  “Why beat around the bush?” Greg asked. “Just up the charges to a full 5 to be sure.” He insisted.

  “No, we don’t want over penetration. There is a fine line” Barbary countered.

  “You can’t overpenetrate, but you may not get another shot to smash if the first try fails.” He barked. "You gotta make every shot count."

  “Spoken like a man who isn’t used to this kind of warfare. Behind her tough exterior are sensitive parts that can take damage from excessive force. We don’t wan to disable her permanently, just put her out for a while, long enough to climb board and conquer. You gotta treat her like a lady and know how to drive the point without overdoing it and running out of firepower too early on. Only a reckless man or a really sloppy captain just goes in full force with no regard for excessive penetration or internal damage.” Barbary preached.

  "She's right." nodded Duffy. "A classy tactician never allows full force, right at the beginning. A woman would understand that logic, at least any woman with class."

  Izzy sat in her cell, listening to the thuds of gunfire bouncing off the hull.

  “Why don’t they just go full force? They’re not getting any penetration with that weak-ass hammering.” Izzy said, looking over at her cell mate, who may or may not have understood English. “I mean a sturdy gal like the Tast-E-trailer is designed to handle a real pummeling, she’s a prison transport, she’s seen some tough characters and handled several of them at once.” She scoffed. “You’re not gonna get anywhere being gentle, just hit that backside like you mean it, geese!" she yelled, sitting down and pouting "You know… If they let Greg captain the ship, he would have already got the job done and kept hammering just to make sure. Shit, knowing him he would have just rammed her portside at the beginning. Usually works though.”

  “Wouldn’t that be dangerous for us in the cells?” asked another cellmate.

  "He knows what spots to hit, my man knows what he's doing." she shrugged confidently.

  “Careful, you’ll hurt Izzy.” Duff reminded Greg, as he sneakily overloaded the cannon and tried to hone in on her locater beacon.

  “It’s my woman, I know what she can handle. She’s not like those stick-chick floosies Lawg goes after, Izzy would approve of a little risk.” He scoffed.

  “You’re a brute, putting her in that position!” Objected Barbary, light-loading her cannon and bouncing a round off the hull.

  “I know my Izzy, just because you have experience in this girly region, doesn’t mean everyone agrees with your methods. Normally I'd start easy and avoid hurting anyone but Izzy would rather limp away free, than stay tied up any longer. She's an action girl, not a screw around and waste time girl." He said

  "Don’t rush things!" argued Barbary.

  “I’m bored.” Izzy sighed. As the other captives freaked out and huddled. “Hurry up, Greg! Just put er through the wall and we can worry about the damage later.” She yelled, knocking on the hull as the others looked horrified at her. “What? I don’t like a lot of games and stalling, I’m an all action girl, okay? Why do you think I’m with Greg?!” she defended

  “Greg, don’t do it!” warned Duffy as he took the wheel. "You'll twist something off with that kind of grip!"

  “I’m tired of lightly tapping this thing, we’re getting nowhere and running out of time. We tried the delicate way you suggested, now its time to hang on and get dangerously rough. This will work.” He insisted, as Barbary drew her sword and pointed it at him.

  “This is a Maxi-pod, not an athletic support cruiser. It's padded, not covered in hardened armor. If you yank the rudder loose, you’ll damage her undercarriage!”

  “It should hold long enough to get the port gun up and straight and if we double charge them and give a second volley, they’ll have to submit, it doesn’t matter if we take damage in the process.” He insisted.

  “I can’t let you do that.” Said Barbary.

  “I’m not asking your permission, you're just observing in this fight, so you don’t get any vote. This is between me and my ex-wife, and if it get’s me my Izzy back, consider this maxi-pod disposable." He said. “I’d hang on to something” he added. Everyone braced for the worst. Greg shifted the gyro into free spin and yanked the wheel, sending the pod into what video games often mistakenly call a barrel roll.

  "He's doing a barrel roll!" gasped Lawg

  "It's not a barrel roll, it's an Aileron, do your homework damnit!" corrected Duffy. The ship leveled out upside down, almost completely rotating below the other ship.

  "We're right under her, the underside can take the most abuse, even with your biggest gun pointed straight up at close range! Pull back, don’t blow your one last shot!" warned Duffy.

  "The underside may be designed to take a hit, but there is a vulnerable spot right in the middle, just forward of the exhaust port. It's a spot most people cant find, but I've done this before." he insisted, firing all the cannons on the other side, shattering some of the barrels and lighting up the Tast-E-Chill's under-side with a volley of destruction.

  “That’s my Greg.” Smirked Izzy as the lights went red and emergency landing alarms went off.

  “I think your man went too hard, the whole ass-end is buckling! He needs to pull out! before we crush him!" yelled her cellmate.

  "We're going down." Greg warned.

  "You dicked this whole thing!" Duffy hollered.

  "All part of the plan. I knew the moment I sized her up that it would end like this. Going down was always a possibility, as long as she is going down too. Sacrifices for the greater good!" he cheered.

  "Can he handle that kind of landing?" asked Izzy's cellmate.

  “He does that all the time, he’ll be fine.” Izzy assured.

  “Those clouds below are far denser, and toxic. He won’t be able to breathe down there!” objected one of them. Izzy shrugged.

  “One advantage of being immortal, he doesn’t need to breathe, if he has to be down there all day to get the job done, he will. Greg doesn’t know how to quit until the mission is complete.” She explained.

  "…Lucky bitch." muttered one of the captives.

  “We got screwed.” Hollered Barbary, kicking the control panel as the ship bobbed in the thicker layer of cloud, and the Tast-E-Chill drooped and smoked, then dropped under the horizon, unable to stay up after the brutal hammering it took.

  “Got the job done. We can go manual from here.” Greg said grabbing an oar as Duffy stopped him, panting and sore from the battle.

  “Some of us can’t keep going like that, we're just human. We don’t have the godlike endurance for an hour of paddling after that rough pummeling we just took.” Duffy said. "I don’t think we can ever get back up with this much damage."

  “I never asked you to. You ladies just lay back and rest and I’ll do the work."

  “The compass is pointing south to the sunken caves” Barbary said checking her scanners to be sure. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but I think you got Izzy where she needed to go with that male-aggressive bullshit. And you think you can handle all of us and get us there too?” she asked. "With just a spare dingy?

  “You underestimate me. I’ll admit I’m pretty worn out, but as long as Izzy needs me, I’ll push on. It'll take all of us to do this, even if I have to carry the team for a while.” He insisted.

  “I hate your methods but apparently you get results in that rare situation.” Barbary said, lowering her sword and offering a handshake. Greg shook it.

  “It’s not for everyone or every situation, I just know my Izzy and what she would approve of.” Greg said, checking the paddles and making the sure the inflatable dingy was intact.

  “You think that was dangerous, you should hear them have sex.” Lawg scoffed. “Some of those dents in the hull were already there before we started firing.”

  “Get your mind out of the gutter, Lawg.” Greg said, looking offended. “There is a time and a place for crude sexual humor when we’re home on the ship, but for now we need to stick to the matters at hand. I’ll provide the muscle and Barbary can guide me through the caves, and with these rubber suits, it should keep you from getting any harmful contact with the environment. With this lesbian leading us, we'll be in the right direction at the bottom of the nether layers, because she knows this region better than any of us. If we work as a team, we can find the hidden opening. We get Izzy out of those handcuffs and put my ex wife where she belongs, flat on her back and unable to stand. Then once we cleaned off the protective gear, we can fix the damage to the Tast-E-Hull and get those holes plugged so we can get off this oversized gas-ball and back to work as usual." he lectured.

  “You won’t fit in these tiny rubber coverings.” Barbary insisted, “You’re far too big, they were designed for normal humanoids. What will keep you protected?” she asked.

  “My reactor core keeps me a few thousand degrees internally. I’m basically so hot, I'm sterile. I don’t need protection. Izzy and I are basically immune to the acidic salty atmosphere, even near the warmer lower zones.” He assured.

  “What if there is some type of alien virus or germ that you aren’t familiar with down there, that can handle your immunity?” asked Duffy.

  “Izzy’s already been exposed if that’s the case, and she’s worth the risk. I'd never do this for some random damsel. I can't wait around for protection in my size, while she’s tied up and waiting or me. Sometimes you gotta live dangerously, plus you know when I go in there things are bound to get rough. You think that flimsy rubber is gonna hold up? Gunfire, swordplay, sharp rocks? I'd tear that thing apart just getting my ex wife subdued before even getting to Izzy. He said. Duffy squinted her eyes.

  “I feel like we are portraying a really contradictory life lesson about something and I can quite put y finger on it.” she pondered.

  “Well stop trying to find it with your finger and get ready to explore with your whole body. It's gonna be foreign and scary, and everything will happen faster than you think in there, the maxi pod is already compromised and starting to leak, so get suited up and make sure you’re good and covered. Load up on gadgets and batteries and get good breath of air before we go in there head-first. We have limited oxygen, it’s dark and damp and full of God-knows what strange critters.” he motivated as Barbary waved casually.

  “It’s fairly clean, I’ve been here lots of times and I tested it to be sure.” shrugged Barbary. “You can breathe without a mask, it’s just uncomfortable and the smell can be overwhelming if you stay too long, because the cracks below can erupt toxic gasses at random, especially now that we already rammed into it and jostled everything around down here. The suits aren’t always necessary but it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

  “Alright, you heard the lady, we’re going in” Duffy said checking her 02 tank.

  “What if some of us aren’t experienced with cave-diving?” Lawg asked, raising his hand.

  “You have a huge collection of academy training videos, I know some of them have to touch on cave-diving.” reminded Duffy.

  “I technically graduated, but I got a big D because I skipped cave diving. I bribed the teacher and just bullshit-guessed on the oral exams. I got lucky. I can handle myself in most situations but I don’t jump-face first into dark, scary caves, okay. I’m just a little inexperienced." Lawg defended.

  “You selfish bastard.” Duffy growled. There's always a reason you can't do something for others but when it's your turn, you expect everyone else to suck it up and do the job right? All that bragging and you never got your bearings on the basics, just bluffed your way to the top and expected us to compensate?"

  "I'm surprised you still think I'm good at anything I brag about." he replied as Greg squeezed between them.

  “Just guard the rear and let us do the hard stuff.” Greg sighed. “If anything grabs you, just yell and wave your sword wildly, try not to get suffocated or killed, you useless tool.”

  “I can’t even handle a sword properly.” He said looking sad. "I carry my laser sword around, but it rarely get any action aside from practice in the cargo bay. It's low powered, goes off for no reason and recently took a slight bend."

  "No wonder my shuttle pod keeps getting streaks on it, you dickwad!" Duffy said slapping him.

  “Here,” Said Barbary, handing him her sword “Since your weapon is inadequate, you can borrow mine. I have a spare.”

  “It’s not steel, it’s made of some kind of artificial polymer.” he whined.

  “It may not be what you’re used to, but this works, it's about performance in a group. It’s a durable plastic. It may not be a rigid one like you have, but I assure you it’s twice as tough and flexible. The studded grip gives you better control even with the added length. There is a turbo button if you need extra oomph, battery is fully charged.”

  “Wouldn’t a classic metal sword be better, in case the battery runs out?”

  “Lawg, just trust her. Her species are all female so they don’t have men taking care of them, so she knows how to handle a plastic weapon better than you do.” Greg sighed.

  “Why is it black?” Lawg asked, inspecting the coating. Barbary rolled her eyes.

  “I didn’t have a choice, the manufacturer does the coating color by size, all of the two-handed ones are black. It works the same regardless of color, just remember it’s harder to see in the dark and try not to hit yourself in the face with it.” She said, clicking on the hand-guard lights.

  “Oh this waaay fancier than mine.” he sighed.

  “I’m getting that back BTW, that’s my favorite weapon.” She reminded.

  "I prefer my own." he said nervously.

  "You say that now but once you get used to the power, you may want one, even just as a backup, or if you learn to double wield." she added.

  “I mean I’m sure I could find a use for it now and then, when we go on away missions, but I’m not remotely confident with this thing enough to try and keep it. It’s made for women, people would make assumptions.” He said hanging his head in shame. “then again…with this monster, I could almost do as much damage as Gre-” he started as Greg drew a 5 foot long saber from his side and gave it a skilled spin to check the balance. Duffy snickered a bit, as Lawg looked sad, his sword lights turned off and began powering down. “I swear that never happened before.” He defended. Duffy grabbed it and felt around for the switch.

  “There it goes.” She smiled. “Just needed a woman’s touch.” she shrugged. Greg leaned closer to Barbary.

  “He won’t admit it, but when it comes to turning Lawg’s things on, Duffy seems to be the only sure bet.” he snickered.

  “Gross.” Whispered Barbary.

  "Alright, I guess we're ready. If anyone needs a break, take it now. This adventure is about to go into overtime." Greg growled, his eyes turning white. "Two-parter territory."