“Malevola,” Blonde Blazer introduced her as the file pulled up. “Terrifying. She’s got a magic sword and she creates portals that allow her to teleport.”

  “And somehow she’s still late for every fuckin’ meeting,” Chase added.

  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure she does that on purpose,” Blazer said.

  ***

  Malevola.

  6’6.6” tall, red skin, obsidian horns, and a prehensile tail. Apparently she and Sonar were close. In addition to her sword and portals, she could also heal teammates by doing something called a wound transferal. Robert thought that sounded painful or masochistic, but her file said she liked doing it. She looked like chaos itself—he would need to keep an eye on her.

  ***

  “Wait, so, the Z-Team, my team…” Robert looked over his shoulder. “They’re all Phoenix Program?”

  “That is correct,” Blazer confirmed.

  “Your own motley crew of dangerous fuck ups,” Chase added.

  ***

  And they were.

  Between the various nicknames they came up with when he introduced himself and the betting on when he would quit, the first shift felt like he was in charge of a bunch of middle schoolers. Robert’s tech savvy came in hand more than once, but the calls like having to hack in to fix someone’s bidet going haywire made him wonder why certain things were even hooked up to the SDN security network. It just seemed like… shitty design.

  ***

  When a call came in about a fight at Crypto Night, the same bar where Flambae lost his tooth the night before, the caller actually specifically requested that Flambae not be dispatched on the call, so Robert sent Prism. As soon as she went out, Punch Up said, “You know who we saw at that bar last night? Mecha Man.”

  “And he kicked Flambae’s ass,” Coupé added.

  “Okay—okay,” Flambae immediately responded. “That little shit did not kick my ass.”

  “Uh, he did though,” Coupé countered.

  “Yeah,” Robert piled on. “I think I heard about that.”

  “No, you didn’t,” Flambae spat back. “Because it didn’t happen, Bob Bob. So we’re all going to just shut up about it. Yeah? Okay.”

  But as soon as Robert dispatched Invisigal on her next call, she asked en route, “So what was your read on this Mecha Man guy?”

  “Washed up,” Punch Up said. “Drinking alone. A robot guy without a robot, I guess.”

  “So… just a guy?” Malevola asked.

  ***

  Well fuck you too, Robert thought to himself.

  ***

  “Hear that, Flambae?” Sonar chimed in. “You got your ass kicked by ‘just a guy.’

  “All of you,” Flambae spat. “Shut the fuck up.”

  All was quiet for a bit, but then something caught Robert’s attention. “Flambae, you’re off route.”

  No response.

  A call came in about a blaze in the burbs.

  “Did you start that fire?” Robert asked.

  “No,” Flambae answered, his tracker rushing away from the call.

  “The fire that’s burning two blocks from where you’re standing,” Robert noted. “You didn’t start that?”

  “Yeah, I mean, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Flambae said, very unconvincingly. “I’m on break, so how could I know?”

  “Flambae,” Robert sighed. “Stop fucking around. I’ve got enough problems without you making new ones.”

  ***

  “Our new dispatcher is a bit high-strung,” Malevola muttered.

  Robert ignored it.

  Later in the shift, a call came in about a juvenile pickpocket at large and Malevola said something about scaring kids being her favorite part of the job. Robert pinched the bridge of his nose but finally relented and said, “Yeah, okay,” and sent her out. But the kid turned out to be twelve years old, and Malevola opted to lean into the fact that she was a demon and scare the kid straight.

  “What the fuck,” Robert sighed.

  “What did you expect?” She asked simply.

  ***

  “How long was the last dispatcher here?” Robert asked.

  “Two days!” Flambae answered. “New record.”

  “How the fuck did that happen?”

  “I set his car on fire,” Flambae said. “Yeah. Very flammable. Kia Soul.”

  The final call of the shift was just the sound of breaking glass and a scuffle coming from Granny’s Donuts. Invisigal volunteered herself seeking redemption of some type due to apparently being banned from the place. When she got there she requested Robert to tap into the security cameras, but when he pulled it up, the first thing he saw was Invisigal standing over an unconscious old man.

  She immediately looked at the camera and said, “I didn’t do this.”

  “Right,” Robert responded flatly. “I feel like you’ve said that a lot in your life. What happened?”

  “This is how I found the place,” she said. “The old guy, who I assume is Granny, was laying here when I walked in.” She leaned against the counter. “Hey, what’s your favorite donut?”

  “Can you just focus?” Robert asked. “What, you got ADHD or something?”

  “Yes, fucker,” she spit back. “Is it that obvious?”

  “Yes, fucker. It is.”

  “Well, then, answer the question. I don’t want to sit here and fixate on it when we’re supposed to be doing… whatever. Superhero shit.”

  “A jelly donut,” Robert finally relented. “I’ll eat anything if you pack enough jelly into it.”

  “So, you’re into squirters,” she said like she’d already had the joke prepped. “You like that gush in your throat. Cool. Okay. Say less.”

  ***

  Robert closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose again. “Yup. You got me. I love gobbling on hot sloppy donuts—raspberry, strawberry—you name it. There’s nothing I love more than the taste of some hot red—”

  He opened his eyes and stopped mid-sentence. Malevola was walking past his cubicle and, hearing only Robert’s half of the conversation, had frozen to stare at him with one eyebrow cocked up.

  “—donuts,” Robert finished saying after an awkward pause. “Jelly donuts.” He was still locked eyes with the red demon.

  She finally broke eye contact and walked away, but he thought he saw a smirk.

  He let out a long sigh, then said back over the headset, “Thanks for asking me that so you could make my first day as uncomfortable as possible.”

  ***

  The rest of the call went completely shitty. Visi at least seemed like she had good intentions, but she halfway treated the entire thing like a joke. She ended up in a fist fight with the perp, a man who was outfitted with lightning-blaster gauntlets, and then disobeyed a direct order. The client wound up severely injured and the perp got away.

  When the smoke cleared, Invisigal was lying underneath the old man who owned the donut shop.

  “Fuck, this guy’s heavy,” she said as she pushed him off. Granny’s clearly a fan of his own work.”

  She stood up and took a hit of her inhaler, then glanced down at Granny, who lay face down with the back of his pants burned off and his butt exposed.

  “Really wasn’t expecting to see that,” she said. “He’s kinda caked up.” She popped into a salute and smiled at the camera. “So where’s the perp, Lieutenant?”

  Robert sighed. “I think he must have something else to do, because he left.”

  She dropped the salute and glanced to the side before saying, “I mean, this is why you have insurance, right?”

  “Ah, you gotta be fucking kidding me,” Robert groaned.

  Emergency services showed up and as Granny was being carted away by paramedics, Invisigal could be seen on the aerial news footage leaving the building. “This feels like a win to me,” she said.

  Robert just took his headset off and buried his face in his hand.

  “That was… pretty good for a first day,” Chase said. “Sometimes people… you know, get electrical burns.”

  “She disobeyed a direct order,” Robert said, giving Chase a glare.

  “Well, that’s the problem,” Chase answered. “This ain’t the army and these ain’t soldiers. They’re fuckin’ super villains.”

  Robert stared at him for a long moment, then glanced back at his computer screen. Invisigal was arguing with a police officer. She flipped him off, shoved his shoulder, and stormed away.

  “Look, why don’t you take a breather?” Chase said. “We can debrief with Blazer in a bit. Here…” He handed Robert a dollar bill. “There’s vending machines in the break room. You look like you could use a snack.”

  Robert smirked and asked, “Are you sure you’re not actually eighty years old?”

  Chase tried to grab the dollar back out of his hand but Robert pulled his hand away too fast. Then he got up and headed for the break room.

  At the vending machine, Robert selected ole reliable, a pack of twinkies—his favorite comfort food. But as soon as he got a hand on the package of snack cakes and stood up, a high-pitched, “AAAAAAAAGH!” rang out next to him. Robert flinched, his hand squeezed, the the precious twinkies were crushed.

  If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

  He looked over and saw Sonar closing the fridge, sniffing at a food container. With a sigh, Robert took another dollar out and bought some more twinkies. But as soon as he stood up this time, fucking Invisigirl appeared right next to him and said, “Hey!” He once again flinched and now held two handfuls of crushed, delicious snack cakes.

  “Ah—shit!” Robert breathed.

  “What kind of superhero flinches?” Invisigirl asked.

  He just rolled his eyes and walked away from her, moving to sit at the breakroom table.

  “I didn’t say which superhero!” She called after him and followed. “Chill out.”

  They both sat down and Robert leaned his head against his hand. “If you had people trying to kill you for the last fifteen years, you’d be jumpy too.”

  “What makes you think my life has been any different?” She asked. “You think growing up around a buncha shitbag villains, I didn’t need to watch my back?”

  “Yeah, well, you should pick better friends.”

  Invisigal furrowed her brow at him. “What the fuck?”

  “You can’t just go around—”

  “AAAAAAAAGH!” Sonar yelled again.

  Robert flinched, then looked over. “Why does he keep screaming?”

  “His name’s Sonar,” Invisigal said flatly.

  “Yeah, I know what Sonar means,” Robert glared back at her.

  Sonar burped and said, “Sup?”

  “Then why are you asking why he keeps screaming?” Invisigal said.

  Robert turned back to Sonar. “Uh, she was just explaining your um, you know what? Nevermind. Good shift.”

  “This guy’s weird,” Sonar said to Invisigal.

  “Yeah, he is,” she agreed, eyes locked on Robert. “Look, I actually just came by to celebrate the mission going well. Didn’t mean to interrupt your little snack.”

  “You seriously think that went well?”

  She leaned back in her chair. “No, I think it went great.”

  Robert leaned in. “You trashed the place. The suspect got away, the client got hurt. You think when that guy signed up for SDN that it’d result in the back of his ballsack getting scorched? Cause they don’t mention that in the commercials.”

  “First of all, the place was trashed when I got there,” she spat back. “Second, I’m sure Granny would take some crispy nuts over losing his arm. As far as the bad guy goes—fuck, shit happens.”

  Robert aggressively jabbed a finger at the table. “Fact of the matter is that shit didn’t need to happen. We could’ve had an outcome where the client doesn’t get fried and we get the perp, if you’d have just fucking listened to me. You ask for help, then I—what now?!”

  A loud electric scraping noise had filled the break room and Robert turned to see Sonar with a handheld coffee grinder.

  “I make the calls,” Robert turned back to Invisigal. “Not you.”

  “Here’s some advice,” she shot back. “You’re right at home behind that desk because you’re no hero.” She was pointing right in his face. “You were a nerd playing a video game in a suit your daddy built. Now, you’re a twitchy little bitch turtle without its shell. A real hero puts their ass on the line. A real hero can’t just press a button to make their problems disappear.”

  Sonar was shaking the coffee grinder and the noise was somehow even louder now.

  “The fact of the matter is, you need me way more than I need you,” Robert said, trying not to shout over the grinder. “Based on what I saw today, you wouldn’t last a day as Mecha Man, cuz there isn’t a mech suit in the universe that’ll keep you from being a selfish fucking asshole.”

  As he finished speaking, the silence was deafening. He realized the grinder had stopped just in time for the tail end of his last sentence to be heard perfectly clear.

  ***

  After a moment, Invisigal slammed her hands on the table and stood with an angry grunt. She kicked her chair back and stormed away, turning invisible. Robert let out a long breath, his shoulders falling and turned to see not just Sonar, but Malevola too. Both were holding fresh cups of coffee and staring at him.

  ***

  Then his view was obstructed by Invisigal reappearing right in front of him and screaming, “Aaaaaaaagh!” like she was impersonating Sonar. “Feel bad? Good! Fuck you!” And she punched him in the face, knocking him completely out of his chair.

  She stormed out and slammed the door behind her. Robert just laid there, staring at the ceiling. After a moment he realized his nose was bleeding and he wiped it with the back of his hand.

  Footsteps approached and Sonar asked, “You gonna eat those twinks?”

  “That’s not what they’re—you know what? Help yourself.”

  Sonar grabbed the smashed snack cakes and walked away.

  ***

  Robert took a minute to compose himself, still laying on the floor. When he finally sat up, he realized Malevola was still leaning against the counter and watching him while she sipped her coffee.

  “Shit, sorry,” Robert said. “Thought you left with—wait, why were you just watching me?”

  “I wanted to see how long it would take you to get up.” Her yellow, pupilless eyes watched him without blinking.

  “Why?” Robert slowly stood back up and picked up the knocked over chair.

  She took a long sip of her coffee. “I have a soft spot for broken little, displaced things.”

  “That why you signed up both you and Sonar for the Phoenix Program? He another one of your broken things?”

  She narrowed her eyes at him but didn’t respond. A portal in the wall opened and she turned to walk towards it.

  “Shit, sorry,” Robert said. “I didn’t mean to take out my frust—”

  She walked through the portal and it closed while he was still speaking.

  Robert let out another weary sigh and left the break room.

  ***

  “What happened to your nose?” Blonde Blazer asked.

  “Hmm?” Robert asked, sitting up straighter in the chair across the desk in her office.

  “Here we go,” Chase said with a smirk, seated next to him.

  “You have a tissue hanging from your nose, Robert,” Blazer pointed out. “I tried ignoring it but that became impossible when it started soaking in blood.”

  “I don’t know,” Robert answered, running a hand over the back of his head. “I just sorta… bumped my head, I guess.”

  “Right…” Blazer said skeptically. “When I think of someone bumping their head, it’s the back of their head. Your nose, your bloody nose, is the same place as your eyes. Which is on your face.”

  “Yeah,” Robert conceded. “I guess I bumped my face then.”

  She stopped pushing. “We’re here to assess Robert’s first shift, and aside from… whatever happened to your nose, I thought it went pretty good.”

  “What?” Robert asked.

  “Told you, Robbie,” Chase spoke up.

  “I was watching on the monitor,” Blazer said. “The work you did dispatching—I don’t think the Z-Team has ever had a better shift than that.”

  “We just might need to confront the fact that it might be the best that they can do,” Chase said. “Especially the way the Granny thing went.”

  “Yeah, now, that Granny situation wasn’t ideal,” Blazer said. “But I’ve seen so much worse with Invisigal.”

  “Let’s be real,” Chase added. “She ain’t gonna make it.”

  “She’s difficult to work with, sure,” Blazer said. “But I see a lot of promise in her. Really. Even the other Z-Teamers respect her.”

  “They’re afraid of her,” Chase said.

  “I should have done better,” Robert said. “Maybe a couple wires got crossed near the end there. I could’ve been more clear with her.”

  “You crossed zero wires, okay?” Chase tried to reassure him. “She crossed them for you.”

  “Look, Robert…” Blazer agreed. “You should be proud. The bar is very low with this group.”

  “Well, it's not low for me.” He pulled the bloody tissue from his nose. “Look, I like to make a joke and keep things light as much as the next person, but when it comes to work, I’m not fucking around here. If you want the Phoenix Program to survive, the bar needs to go up.”

  “And how would we do that?” Blazer asked.

  “By treating the Z-Team like what they are,” Robert answered. “A bunch of villains. And leading a supervillain team takes a different approach than a superhero team. I need to be around them. I need them to see I’m all in and they need to match that energy.”

  “Some tough love,” Chase noted.

  “The only kind I know,” Robert confirmed. “And based on what I’ve seen, the only version they’ll respond to. I’m not saying everyone will make it, they won’t. And I’m not saying it won’t get spicy, it will. But when it does, I also need you to trust me that I can handle it. I don’t want you stepping in, they need to respect me. Even if I don’t have powers.”

  Blonde Blazer and Chase shared a look. Chase shrugged.

  “Okay,” Blazer said with a smile. “We’ll do it your way. Monday, we’ll get them in a room and introduce them to their new supervillain leader.”

  “I can’t promise it will work,” Robert said, standing up. “I can only promise that I’ll do my best.”

  “Ha,” Chase laughed dryly. “No fuckin’ way it’s gonna work. But it’ll be way more fun to watch.”

  “Chase. Some optimism please?” Blazer asked.

  “Goddammnit,” he leaned back in his chair. “Yeah, I also promise to do my best.”

  When Robert returned to his desk, he found Waterboy cleaning mashed jelly donuts off his keyboard. He was a stammering mess but he managed to string a coherent jumble of words together enough to tell him that a woman, likely Invisigal, had dropped off jelly donuts earlier, but then returned angry afterward and smashed them to hell. Also, Waterboy had apparently been hired as SDN’s janitor, so he said that he would clean it up.

  Robert couldn’t help but laugh and say, “Okay, cool.”

  Blonde Blazer approached and almost inquired about the donut situation but then said, “It’s Friday, I’m not gonna ask. You headed out?”

  “Yeah,” Robert said. He grabbed his bag, told Waterboy, “Thanks,” and headed for the door.

  Blazer said, “Welcome to the team, Waterboy,” and followed after him.

  Waterboy responded, “Yeah, welcome to you—you too.” Then it sounded like he was throwing up water.

  The sun was going down as Robert and Blonde Blazer left the building. She said, “Hey, I want you to know, us fixing your suit is not contingent on you fixing the Z-Team. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

  “That’s good to know,” Robert said with a faint smile.

  “But, don’t worry about that,” Blazer said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’m just really glad you’re here, Robert. I think we’re going to do some great things together.”

  “I’m uh, I’m really glad I’m here too,” Robert said.

  Blazer gave him a contemplative look, then said, “Actually… there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. It’s a little awkward to mention, but since the other night, I—”

  “Blonde Blazer,” a voice called from the sky.

  Robert looked up and saw Phenomaman floating down toward them, his cape billowing in the wind. “Are you ready to go?” He landed next to her, putting an arm around her shoulder and planting a kiss on her cheek. He looked at Robert. “Who is this? I thought I had catalogued all of your work companions.”

  “Robert,” Blazer said, awkwardly brushing some hair behind her ear. “This is my boyfriend… Phenomaman…” She looked at the giant superhero. “This is our new dispatcher I was telling you about, Robert.”

  “The third Robert Robertson?” Phenomaman asked, his fists going to his hips in the classic superhero pose. “Leader of the Phoenixes? Blonde Blazer told me about you.”

  “Really?” Robert asked. “Did she say, uh… what came up in that talk?”

  “She said you’re a capable, honorable man that truly cares for others. Why are you so small?”

  “Hey, come on,” Blazer put a hand on his shoulder. “You gotta stop asking people that.”

  “The way you spoke of him made him sound impressive.” Phenomaman glanced at her, then back to Robert. “I only seek to understand. I apologize.” He put a hand sincerely to his chest, then asked, “How was his first day? Was his lack of size and strength an issue?”

  “No, he was great,” Blazer said, then quickly added, “It was great. It was a great first day.”

  “That is phenomenal,” Phenomaman said, stepping closer to Robert. “We should celebrate. Blonde Blazer and I have reservations in Tokyo at a restaurant where the owner dreams of sushi.” He put a massive hand on Robert’s shoulder. “You should join us.”

  Over his shoulder, Blonde Blazer was frantically waving him off, indicating how much she did not want Robert to accept the offer.

  “Oh, uh…” Robert said. “That sounds great, but I spoiled my appetite eating sweets all day.”

  “A shame,” Phenomaman dropped his hand from Robert’s shoulder. “Another time then?”

  “For sure,” Robert nodded.

  Blazer silently mouthed, ‘Thank you,’ from behind her boyfriend. Then she moved around and Phenomaman picked her up, prompting an awkward exchange of glances.

  “He flies a little faster,” Blazer clarified.

  “It was very nice to meet you, third Robert Robertson,” Phenomaman said, turning away.

  “Pleasure was—”

  “Now, could you please step back? The power of my launch has been known to stun small beings.”

  Robert took a couple steps back.

  “Phenomenal,” Phenomaman said. He crouched, then launched into the air in a flash.