Have I been thrown in jail or something?
I glance around the room — stone walls, no windows and a breeze that wails like it’s auditioning for a ghost story podcast. My “bed” is a queen-sized block of stone, generously notched with what might be bite marks of some kind. At least all my items are still with me — I haven’t been robbed. Yay I guess?
There’s a half-eaten loaf of petrified moldy bread with a dead mouse next to it... poor bastard probably choked on it. Roaches are throwing a rave across the floor and above the doorframe is a dusty plaque that reads:
“Cheapo Subscription Hero Lodgings”
A few seconds pass and I mutter:
"Of course, I now understand perfectly what is happening here. Its the perks that Free-tier users get, the classic crappy room in any for profit "free" RPG." I sigh, walk to the door, and try to open it. It’s either locked or the hinges are rusted beyond salvation. I give it a few solid kicks. Nothing happens.
Fine... fine... We’re doing this the old-fashioned way.
I back up to the other side of the room, take a running start, and dropkick the thing. The door creaks open at last — with me falling flat on my face. Gracefully in the dust of who knows what time period.
Cleaning myself off, I whisper, “Thank god I was a Boy Scout way back in the day." I creek my neck stretching around the joints for a good time.
I then says the magical words that every hero who is truly honest would say.
"Time to start my new life as a state-sponsored murder-hobo.”
I'm outside the castle wall now, right next to a barn that’s decorated with... manure-themed advertisements. Featuring a smiling poop emoji.
Subliminal messaging? No. They're not even trying to hide it.
Wait a minute. No guards... no townsfolk… no one's around?
Bingo! Let's escape from this place!
This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it
I start whistling a merry tune and head toward what I assume is the forest at the edge of my "premium accommodations." A loud gasp echoes in the distance. Probably the wind. Yes its definitely the wind.
I begin this adventure with the classic Big Three's: shelter, water, food.
Bingo I just found a cave. A bit mossy, but spacious and cleanish. Above it hangs an ornate banner:
“Want to use this cave? Watch a 15-second ad for MagicTech? Survival Provisions!”
I pull out Caladblock, aim at the ad, and shout:
“BLOCK!”
The ad stutters mid-load and lets out a digital death rattle.
Whalescalibur immediately sobs:
“HOW COULD YOU?! HE WAS INNOCENT! AND CONVENIENT!!!”
I whistle innocently and claim my new home, honestly murdering a pest for a crude and slightly inconvenient shelter. Surely this is a thing a true hero will do.
I gathered some branches, find a few logs and made an honest fire. Fire the thing that separates humans from primitives. Truly I am the most cultured entity in this forest! He pounds his chest a few times for good measure.
Used two L-shaped sticks and started searching for water. A river runs nearby. Its a Jackpot! But wait...
No. Oh no, god damn this shitty world.
It’s a literal river of ads of fish sticks and water filters.
How is that even physically possible?! Never mind, don't even think of the logic of this shit.
As I approach, the ads part like Moses parting the Red Sea. I walk through, awestruck at the miracle. Fish lie flopping on the riverbed and as the opportunist I am its my duty to pick up a few.
“At least fishing’s not a problem for me.” I mutter. “But what am I gonna use for water—”
Cue a thundercloud.
“Want rain? Please subscribe to the Gaia Channel? and buy her merch. Only $20 a month!”
Why is everything $20 fucking bucks?!
Caladblock my sweet girl can't block the sky yet. Note to self: maybe beg for Merry for help later if this doesn't pan out the way I envision.
A few drops start to go down the earth.
Oh! It's raining now! Someone must’ve subscribed to that service. Thank you, Sucker-san. I shape some mud into a pot in you're honor. Success! Primitive pottery for the win!!.
I return to my cave — my fortress — with everything a man needs: fire, cooked fish, water and a blanket scavenged from the cheapo room, The best thing is the merciful silence. The swords aren't even talking. Its beautiful, my own small dominion in this world.
I close my eyes…
I hear rustling.
Damn it all...
I kill the fire and peek outside.
Hooded figures are dragging someone that is gagged. The victim is tied like a pig headed to the slaughterhouse. The pig locks eyes with me and thrashes harder at my sight.
The robed weirdos pauses and looks my way.
One of them points.
“A HERO?! GET THE BASTARD!”
“OH, COME ON!” I shout. “WHY DO I GET DRAGGED INTO THIS CRAP NOW, OF ALL THE DAMNED TIMES?!”
I dash forward, dual-wielding both blades.
Caladblock: “ARA! I’m finally being used again~!”
Whalescalibur: “CRUSH THESE HERETICS HEROOOO!!!”
Dammit it all to hell.
This is my life now, better destroy some lives like a true hero should.
