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  RYST

  Journal

  Relapse Day 1: It’s supposed to be my honeymoon on Floria. Everything hurts. I can’t believe this.

  Relapse Day 2: Still can’t sleep. Sweaty. I hurt all over. I hate my body. I hate my life. I hate that I never get better. I don’t want Nayth to know how much I hate myself. I want to hide from him. I feel him loving me and saying with certainty, It’s fine if you need to hide for a few days, Ryst. I’ll be here when you get back.

  Relapse Day 3: I’m crying on Nayth’s heart, hating that he knows everything. Hating that he loves me exactly as I am. Hating how sure he is that I’m gonna make it through this.

  Relapse Day 4: I got up to go to the kitchen in our rental, and Nayth handed me a bottle of costamelon juice. I hugged him and told him with our private language, Thanks for loving me. I love you back.

  I know, he replied. He held me as I fell asleep on his chest.

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  PEYDRAN

  “Yeah, Day 4. She drank juice and is asleep now,” said Nayth over my video screen.

  Nayth Carmidee did not look like I would have looked if it had been Ren in a four-day inconsolable pain fest. He was relaxed, clean shaven, and wearing a tidy blue t-shirt. I would’ve been a disheveled mess if it'd been Ren. I cocked my head a little, studying him. How was he so calm? What went on in that head of his?

  “Nayth,” I asked, “you’re like Ren, right? You compose music. You have—“

  He had a wistful smile on his face, “In my dreams, Peydran.” Then he started chuckling and looked a little surprised when started laughing outright.

  “Yeah, yeah, I can only dream of composing music like Ren!” And he laughed so fully and freely that I started laughing even though I had no idea what was funny. It was like that when Nayth laughed— like there was some source of joy fountaining out of him that I couldn’t ignore.

  “Ryst,” I thought, “every time you relapse, I’m gonna make Nayth laugh like that. I’ll keep him laughing for you when you’re lost in the dark.”

  “How is Ren?” Nayth asked.

  “Day 2. He came to bed for three hours last night, so he got a little sleep.”

  After we got to Nayth’s family’s estate on Floria, Ren went to tour the grandpa’s music studio. The second he walked into the room, he grabbed my arm and said, “Three to four days, Pey’o. I’ll try to be fast.”

  He’d gotten a warning out to me, and then he was lost to a compositional fever. Music had been raging in the studio ever since.

  “Have you sparred with Freya yet?” My eyebrows rose at Nayth’s question. “She’s a different monster in the dojo. Formidable fighter. She can probably take you.”

  My eyebrows climbed further up my forehead. Nayth must’ve noticed how competitive I was. My eyebrows narrowed in suspicion. He must’ve wanted to distract me by getting me into the dojo with his sister.

  My eyebrows quirked, and I allowed a tiny, wry smile.

  “Ren would love the video.”

  “Then you’d better not lose,” Nayth challenged. The screen went dark.

  That was how it was going to be, eh? Me making Nayth laugh. Nayth giving me a to-do list.

  RYST

  Journal

  Relapse Day 5: I got up to go to the kitchen of our rental, and Nayth was slicing honeydew melon. I ate a whole bowl. Then he made love to me, reminding me what it's like on the good days.