I don’t know what I feel. It’s something ugly, which starts with a constricting pain in my chest and then spreads until my entire body is trembling. It feels like someone stabbed me in the heart. Or rather, right through it. The blade keeps twisting…

  twisting…

  twisting…

  Until it stops, just like my heart.

  I should cry, I should beg but why should I when I know it’s not going to change anything? After all, Inez’s lie only lasted a night. At the end of the day, there is no hope, no path of redemption for me. But still—last night, her word gave me hope and now—because of that—it hurts even more.

  The words echo in my head like a terrifying nightmare.

  “I don’t have a son.”

  The very words which cut sharper than a blade ever could. My dad is all I have left. All I have after mom…

  The thought has a fresh wave of tears returning to my eyes but I aggressively blink them away. The reason I didn’t visit my dad for five years is simple—I was scared. Because I didn’t have her. She is the only constant in my stormy life. Even now, she’s walking beside me. I can feel her concerned gaze on my back, but she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t even question where we are going because she knows I’m not in a state to speak. Even I don’t know where we are going, maybe to my house. I guess that’s the only place to go before we need to head back to the hospital.

  ***************************************************************************************

  She hasn’t uttered a single word since we stepped out of my dad’s house and to my place. Is she stunned into silence or something? Perhaps she also had some hope that things could be made right. But the reality of life shattered it all because fate, right here, played its card really well.

  She has also put up a mask of cold indifference, just like I did.

  Isn’t it funny, the masks we wear

  due to the tragedies we share?

  Finally breaking the silence, she suggests, “We should get back to the hospital soon.” To which I reply, “Rest a bit and then we’ll get back.”

  I pace back and forth in the room, suddenly hearing her voice. “Riven, come here, sit,” she says, gesturing to the space beside her on the bed.

  I hesitate for a second before complying because around her, I know I will falter. Her words—no, even her presence—is enough to crumble every single wall I’ve built and every single mask I’ve ever worn. “Thank you,” I sigh. At least I owe her that much. Breaking out of the hospital she works in, just to come with me because I’m a fucking coward, that’s a lot. Much more than I could ever deserve. Sitting beside her, I keep a respectful distance between us because I’m still wary of what she thinks about me after all this.

  “None of this is your fault, Riven.”

  God, how I wish I could believe those words. But I can’t live in delusion forever, can I? Our gazes lock and I see pity in her eyes. She gives it to me freely as if I haven’t done the most

  horrendous thing ever. God knows what she sees in my eyes because I can visibly notice her concern increasing as our orbs meet.

  “Do you only know how to comfort people with lies?” I ask with a bitter laugh. A failed attempt at bravado. Why am I even trying to keep the mask up anymore? I’m going to break anytime now. She simply shrugs. “None of them are lies. If I said that your father doesn’t hate you, that is a lie, but when I say it isn’t your fault, it just isn’t…”

  I don’t know whether to believe her words or not, whether this is the genuine truth or just fake vanity. “I tried my best to make things right…” Fuck… this is what I’m scared of. She is already clawing at all my walls without even needing to try. With a nod she replies, “Yes, you did. You played your part as a son. There’s nothing more you can do about it. I once visited a poet, and he told me one of his best poems and there is one particular verse which lives in me till now. Sometimes there is no solution,

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  When the sky turns blue and the clouds turn grey,

  When the rain starts pouring on a gloomy day,

  You can do nothing but helplessly see,

  Though the choice is yours to be,

  Either curse life

  And watch everything in demise,

  Or embrace your problems with a smile.

  And hope everything’s going to be fine after a while…

  Do you get what I’m saying, Riven?”

  Oh, so she does know how to console people without lies—it’s with fucking poetry instead. Wow, honestly speaking, that poet did one hell of a good job writing this. “Helplessly see what? My entire life fall apart? See the only person I could call family not even acknowledging my damn presence?” My voice rises in intensity with every single word.

  “Sometimes there is no solution, Riven.” She quotes the first line of the poem. Fuck… I can’t take this anymore. “I tried… I tried my fucking best. He’s all I have as family. The only person of my own blood. But he… he didn’t even look at me. How is one supposed to apparently ‘embrace’ such kind of problems with a smile, huh? You tell me.”

  My voice cracks mid-sentence but I keep speaking until a tear rolls down my cheek. My throat feels tight and my body tense. I have been in worse situations than this but never have I allowed myself the luxury of tears. It was much easier to keep it in, to pretend like nothing ever happened—but not in front of her. In front of her it’s the opposite. It becomes a struggle to keep my confident demeanour. I’m almost shaking now, tears flowing freely down my face. I don’t give a damn. Let her see me like this, raw and real.

  With slight hesitation, she comes closer to me. Amidst it all I hear her voice. “Riven, we can’t do anything about it, the only thing you can do is just… let it all out. No point in keeping it bottled up.” Her words have another wave of tears colouring my cheeks. I know I must look like a mess right now. Like a fucking baby all covered in tears and snot. It isn’t even crying anymore. I’m full-on sobbing right now. I grip her arm like a drowning man desperate to be saved , burying my face in her hair. If I’m not mistaken, I think I saw her eyes get watery too…

  She reaches up with her hand, entangling them in my hair as she holds me close. Who knew this was what I needed? And suddenly, I’m that boy again who saw his mother’s lifeless body and sobbed on her chest until it was time to take her away, all the while knowing I am the cause of it.

  She is like an anchor for a drowning ship. And I will happily drown again and again if it means being saved by her like this. I don’t know for how long we stay like that, for how long I sob as she holds me. She doesn’t say anything because… she doesn’t need to. Her presence is enough to comfort me. Her touch and her concerned gaze are all I need. Words can be deceiving anyways, can’t they? When I finally shift, my face emerges most probably looking like a total mess. Staring out of the window I see the sun just below the horizon, almost about to set.

  “We… we should get going,” I say with a sniff.

  The concern in her gaze has diminished significantly but it isn’t completely gone yet.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  To that, I reply with a nod. Of course she seems skeptical to my answer, not believing it completely but doesn’t protest.

  She hands me a few tissues from her bag silently. Was I dumb for half expecting her to wipe my tears? I guess I was…

  I look at the mirror and I’m not surprised by what I see there. Fuck, I look more like a homeless man than a killer. Messed up hair, covered in tears and snot. But you know something I will never forget? Something that means so much more to me than she could ever know?

  It’s the fact that she held me through it… and I will thank her for it every chance I get.