College hit me like a freight train.

  The endless orientations, the massive lecture halls, and the exhausting group projects completely obliterated my schedule. For the first few weeks, Jessica and I fought hard to maintain our routine. We met up every weekend, either at a downtown café or at my loft. But as the sylbus thickened, the distance between us grew. The meetups became rare. The FaceTime calls dwindled.

  By October, she was becoming a ghost. I would sit out on my balcony for hours, nursing a cold beer and burning through half a pack of cigarettes, just staring at my phone waiting for her to text me back. When I called, she hit ignore. Hours ter, she would text a brief apology, ciming she was buried in assignments or hanging out with her new UChicago friends. She even started bailing on our weekend pns at the very st minute.

  Shit. I hated it. I had pushed Tyson, Jones and Alvin away to isote myself with her, and now she was pulling away too. I refused to sit alone in my loft while she lived her best life across the city.

  So, I threw myself into the Russian chaos.

  Whenever I wasn't in css, I was with Nikoy’s crew. We cimed Nikoy’s messy apartment as our basecamp, and I quickly integrated into their bizarre, found-family dynamic.

  Andrew was the domestic backbone—he acted like the group's housekeeper and chef. His menu didn't vary much, but his heavy, Eastern European cooking always hit the spot after a long night of drinking.

  Boris was the enforcer. Despite his terrifying, silent demeanor, he possessed a photographic memory, acting as a walking notebook for Andrew and Nikoy.

  And Nikoy was the chaotic leader. He was the ultimate party pnner and the central hub for every rumor on the UIC campus.

  My role in the crew? I was the brooding wingman. Because of my new wardrobe and my stoic attitude, they used me as "bait" to pull girls at the local clubs. It worked perfectly for them, but I never took a girl home. No matter how much vodka I drank, I just didn't have the appetite for anyone else. If she didn't smell like vanil, I didn't care.

  *

  By the time November rolled around, my communication with Jessica had completely died.

  But it wasn't her fault anymore. It was mine. The roles had completely reversed. I was the one missing her calls. I was the one leaving her texts on read for days. A few times, she even took the train to visit my loft on the weekends, only to find my door locked because I was already passed out on Nikoy’s couch across town.

  I was drowning myself in the University party scene, and I was dragging our retionship down with me.

  Winter Break, 2011. The grueling fall semester finally ended. I decided to stay in my loft for the holidays instead of flying out to Europe. Nikoy and the boys were staying in Chicago too, and they had already hyped up a massive, infamous frat party happening right before Christmas. I figured I would go, and maybe—if I remembered—I would invite Jessica to tag along.

  Bzzzt.

  My phone rattled against the gss coffee table. I picked it up.

  Jessica: Call me when you have time.

  No emojis. No nickname. Just cold, ft text. It radiated disappointment.

  I stepped out onto the freezing balcony, lit a cigarette, and dialed her number.

  "What’s up, Jess?" I said smoothly when the line connected.

  "Do you actually have time to speak right now?" she asked. Her voice was pure ice.

  "Yeah... sorry," I sighed, rubbing my eyes. "I just didn't anticipate that college life would take up so much of my time."

  "Your party life, you mean?" she corrected sharply.

  "Not really. The freshman assignments were ridiculously time-consuming, too."

  "Right. And yet you still managed to find plenty of time to get wasted with your 'new' friends," she fired back, hitting the nail perfectly on the head.

  "Hey… I’m sorry, okay? I've been busy. I will make it up to you ter, when you actually have time for me."

  "…. Come with me to a party, then," she challenged instantly. "Tonight. At 8 PM."

  "Whoa, tonight?" I blinked, caught completely off guard.

  "What? You can’t?"

  "Sure... yeah, I can go. What kind of party is it?"

  "It’s a sorority party. My friends from the dorm invited me. Don’t worry, it’s co-ed."

  My arrogant pride fred up. "Uh-huh. Let me guess: your new college friends bailed on you, right? And that’s why you're calling to invite me at the very st minute?"

  "Why would you say that?!" Her voice suddenly cracked, the icy anger breaking into genuine, frustrated hurt. "I called you three times this week, but you never picked up! I texted you the details for this party two weeks ago! But you completely ignored me! I did invite my friends. But since the sorority allowed us to bring a plus-one, I kept the slot open for you because I wanted to see you!"

  My stomach dropped. The cigarette ash fell from my fingers onto the concrete.

  "Alright... alright, I’m sorry," I stammered, all my arrogant confidence evaporating. "I was just teasing you, Jess. That was out of line. I’ll come to your campus around 7 PM tonight, okay?"

  She took a shaky breath on the other end of the line. "Fine. I’ll wait for you at our usual spot."

  "Sure, Jess. I'll see you ter."

  "See you." Click.

  I stood on the freezing balcony, feeling like an absolute piece of trash. I pulled the phone away from my ear and scrolled up through our text thread. There it was. Two weeks ago, she had sent a long text asking me to be her date to this party. I had completely ignored it.

  Fuck. I had spent the first month of college terrified that she was abandoning me, only to spend the next two months actively abandoning her. I was going to have to do some serious damage control tonight.

  **

  At 7:00 PM on the dot, I pulled my colr up against the freezing December wind and leaned against the brick wall at our usual meeting spot near the UChicago campus.

  A few minutes ter, I spotted her. Jessica was walking quickly down the pavement. She was wearing a heavy winter coat, a stylish knit shawl, and a pair of tight denim jeans. Her ginger hair was let loose, the cold wind blowing it in gorgeous frames around her face. Even after weeks of ignoring each other, my heart still skipped a beat when I looked at her.

  "Hey," I said, offering a small smile. "Want to grab a hot coffee first before we head to this party?"

  She stopped in front of me, her green eyes scanning my face. She didn't smile back. "Sigh. You still have a hangover, don't you?"

  "Just a little bit," I admitted, my head still throbbing slightly from the vodka I drank with Nikoy st night. "Come on. We can sit down inside. You can order whatever you want. The party doesn't really kick off for another hour anyway."

  "No, I can't," she shook her head firmly. "I already promised Martha and the girls I would walk over to their dorm to pick them up so we could walk in together."

  "… Alright," I muttered, my patience already thinning. "Then I’ll just wait for you in that café across the street."

  "….. You won't come with me to pick them up?" she asked, her voice dropping in disbelief.

  My ego immediately fred. I was already doing her a favor by showing up to this preppy college party. "For what? Just text them to come meet us here. Why should we bother walking six blocks in the freezing cold just to pick them up?"

  Without waiting for her to argue, I turned around and walked straight through the gss doors of the café.

  I ordered a tte, sat down at a corner table, and took a sip. A moment ter, the bell above the door chimed. Jessica stormed inside, radiating frustration. She sat down aggressively in the chair across from me, pulled out her phone, and started furiously texting her friends.

  We sat in total, agonizing silence for twenty minutes.

  Staring at my coffee cup, a heavy wave of guilt washed over me. Fuck. I had promised myself this morning that I was going to make things right tonight. Instead, my arrogant pride had just pissed her off before the night even started. But still... acting like a chaperone for her dorm friends? It felt completely absurd.

  Eventually, the café door swung open, and three girls walked in. Jessica immediately stood up, her bright, bubbly cheerleader persona snapping perfectly into pce. She introduced me to Mell, Josy, and her best friend, Martha. I gave them polite, tight-lipped nods, and we all headed out to the party together.

  *

  Because we arrived so early, the off-campus sorority house was mostly empty. The music was pying, but the dance floor was dead. I grabbed a red pstic cup from the kitchen and stood near the wall. I noticed a few other guys hovering near the couches, which meant I wasn't the only guy dragged here as a plus-one.

  "Why do you look so incredibly bored?"

  Jessica appeared beside me, crossing her arms over her chest, clearly still harboring anger from the café.

  "Huh? Bored? We literally just walked through the front door, Jess. How can I be bored?"

  "Maybe you expected this party to be a lot wilder. Like the usual underground parties you go to now," she scoffed, gring at my cup.

  "You don't even know what kind of parties I attend," I retorted, my jaw clenching. "Why are you being so judgy?"

  "Oh, I don’t have to actually attend your parties to know what goes on!" she fired back, her voice rising over the pop music. "Just based on how many times you've btantly ignored my calls and left my texts on read this month, I can already guess!"

  "Hey. Chill out," I warned her, stepping closer so her friends wouldn't hear us arguing. "I already told you on the phone, I’ve been buried in ridiculous assignments too. And if you really don’t believe me, why don't you just pack your bags and move into my loft?"

  Her face immediately drained of color. "Why would you bring that up right now?!" she hissed, gncing nervously over her shoulder. "I already told you I can’t do that!"

  "You explicitly told me you would consider moving in after the fall semester was done. The semester is over, Jess. So what’s your actual answer?"

  "Stop trying to bend the topic!" she yelled, losing her composure entirely. "We’re still talking about your btant neglect of me!"

  "Then what the fuck do you want me to do, Jess?!" I snapped, my temper finally exploding. "Am I supposed to just sit alone on my balcony doing absolutely nothing, waiting like a dog for your damn texts and calls?! What about you?! You only ever call me when you miraculously decide you 'aren't busy'! Why am I the bad guy for doing the exact same thing?!"

  "…." She shrank back, her mouth opening and closing as my logic boxed her in.

  "You always reject my calls when you’re supposedly 'busy' on the weekends!" I pressed my advantage, stepping into her space. "So now the question is: what exactly are you doing when you’re so busy?"

  She completely froze. Her green eyes darted away, staring bnkly at the floor. She didn't say a single word.

  "See?" I scoffed, a bitter, nauseating feeling rising in my stomach. "You always do this. Whenever I confront you with actual facts, you shut down. This is bullshit. I’m done here."

  I smmed my red cup down on a side table, turned my back on her, and walked straight out the front door. I didn't care about the confused stares from her friends or the host. I just needed to get out.

  I marched down the freezing street toward my parked car, digging my keys out of my jacket. Just as my fingers brushed the door handle, a hand smmed ft against the window, physically blocking me from opening the door.

  Jessica was standing there, panting heavily from sprinting after me.

  "What do you want?!" I demanded, gring down at her.

  "Why are you acting like this?!" she yelled, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "You already know my situation! You know my parents are strict!"

  "No. I don’t. Because you never tell me the full picture!"

  "Because it is none of your business! Why are you always meddling in my life?!" she screamed, her voice echoing off the brick buildings.

  "Because I care about you!!" I roared.

  The words ripped themselves out of my throat before I could stop them.

  "Do you seriously not realize it yet?!" I yelled, my chest heaving, the icy wind biting my face. "I already told you, I care about you! I really, truly love you, Jess!!! Don’t you understand that??!!"

  "…."

  The street went completely, terrifyingly silent.

  She just stood there. She didn't argue. She didn't yell. She just stared at me. Her face was pale, her eyes wide with absolute, horrified panic. There was no affection in her gaze. There was no relief that I had finally confessed. There was only guilt.

  In that endless silence, the cold reality finally broke through my stubborn, arrogant ego.

  She doesn't love me. Fuck… Why… I closed my eyes, a crushing, physical ache radiating through my ribs. I had given her everything. And it meant absolutely nothing.

  I took a slow, heavy step back from her, putting distance between our bodies for the final time.

  I took a deep, shaky breath, forcing my voice to remain perfectly ft. "Fine. Let’s just end this today."

  She flinched as if I had struck her.

  "I will not bother you anymore," I continued, staring at the concrete. "I will not meddle in your business ever again. I’m sorry I snapped at you inside." I looked up, meeting her terrified green eyes with total emptiness. "Please. Step away from the car. I want to go home."

  She slowly lowered her hand from the gss window. She took two steps back onto the sidewalk, wrapping her arms around her own chest to ward off the cold.

  I opened the door, slid into the driver's seat, and started the engine. I didn't look back as I drove away. I needed space. I needed a drink. But most of all, I was going to need to figure out how to survive in this city entirely alone.