Victor

  This felt like the worst hangover ever. Was that the closest I'd ever come to biting the big one? That demon was frightening, it had me completely ensnared until the princess saved me with whatever power that was. I had my lips on hers, my hands on her buttocks, everything - while under her spell I knew I was being killed slowly but resistance was futile. But then I heard a voice crying out in the darkness that broke me out of that haze - it was the princess' voice, she shouted something though I couldn't hear what it was; up until that wave of light hit me I was only faintly aware that the world still existed.

  Then everything became clear and I saw the demon for the monster it was - thinking quickly I brought out my trusty Colt and unloaded an entire magazine, plus one in the chamber, into its torso. The bullets actually glowed with the same radiance that had saved me; some kind of temporary magic enhancement that faded after a minute or so. I think the demon was already dead before the princess vaporized her, but, never hurts to be thorough.

  I needed breakfast.

  Though I felt like ass, we still needed to search Expanius' office. The princess was still sleeping soundly, with her head in Sylfaena's lap. There were a lot of things to go through, so we decided to just take it all with us; we did confirm that there was a map of the teleportation network, at the very least. We also confirmed from just a cursory glance of his journal that the long dead wizard was, as we suspected, a member of the Black Order. In fact he used to be on the Circle of 13; he called himself the fourth seat, which, er, we still had no idea what that meant. There were magical tools and items plus historical relics; I mean come on, why wouldn't we loot everything after the trouble his pet had put us through?

  After roughly an hour or so we'd packed everything up, and most fortuitously, Expanius had a magic bag in his office, which had been full of a form of hardtack and a cryptic bronze rod; huh? Why was Rayna laughing so hard at this? Very well, I reckoned I'd ask later. That bag held a lot of things all at once, like that one carpet bag owned by a practically perfect person. We quit that place, leaving behind nothing - we even took his nice lectus couch and fine throw rugs in the portable hole. With Rayna carrying the princess and someone else occasionally preventing me from falling over, we made our way back to the Cadillac with little issue. Crap. I did not feel like driving; oh that moon is bright, I retorted as though I were a washed up stage performer from Pittsburgh. Thankfully, Mal had been watching me drive long enough to get us back to town safely.

  ***

  I slept a whole day, never did that before, and I mean literally twenty-four hours or more. I'd been informed that the princess was also up and about, somewhere, and that she'd performed some healing on me while I slept. After some pushups and squats, I was ready to eat something; that chimaera we'd nailed was supposedly good eating and I'd managed to cut out its tenderloin, which Sylfaena was kind enough to keep nice and cold for me with her magic. After checking up on everyone, hmm, didn't see the princess anywhere though, I decided to start preparing some chimaera tenderloin steak dinner for our alliance.

  This time Sylfaena was my helper, and though she kept a very straight face I could tell that she was eager to eat. Chimaera tenderloin had a smoky, fiery tang already - probably due to the dragon influence, and it was also very lean with thin uneven marbling throughout. I thought that medium rare would be perfect for this cut and the, um, unique unnatural nature of the creature it came from. Sylfaena helped me with the charcoal, and asked me pointedly what was required to make brisket - did she intend to help me in that regard? I focused on my cooking and of course I made it a point to create a nice diamond pattern in the grill marks. Just the barest amount of salt, butter, and a dash of herbs and it was sizzling hot perfection. As the sun began to sink in the west, the scent of freshly cooked meat filled our nostrils.

  Sylfaena said, "I'll keep this food warm while you gather everyone."

  "Thanks!"

  It didn't take long for me to locate almost everyone - they were in various parts of the Inn or around it. Rayna was playing a small harp, surprisingly well, while Mal was idly writing some sort of ballad on a nearby table; wait those lyrics, were they about…Nah. Selafyn and Guy were sparring outside and trading insults - reminded me of my time in the army. I found Nenewyn studying Falstad's spellbook; his friends had buried him in the nearby graveyard dedicated to adventurers who had fallen in the waste. Needless to say they were all eager to try freshly prepared Chimaera à la Kirkland.

  Now just where was the princess? I knocked on her room door, and there was no response. Hmm I went back downstairs and asked if anyone had seen her come down, and that was an affirmative - she'd said something about wanting to see the river. Oh, yeah, and it was evening in the fall so that was sure to be quite a sight. Once I confirmed what direction she'd gone in from Guy, I followed the signs to where I figured she'd be - not wooden signs and certainly not yellow paint, don't be ridiculous! I meant I found her footprints. Sure enough, I didn't have to go far because she was standing near the water, gazing upon it as the evening light bathed the gentle waters in blues and light reds. The princess had lost the strap she'd been using to keep her hair in a ponytail, and so every last strand was blowing in the gentle breeze.

  "Yo, princess! Steak's on, you hungry?"

  Her ears twitched. After a moment she turned around and said "starving!"

  She happily sauntered over to me, hands behind her back. With her being this chipper you'd almost imagine that nothing had happened before. Such a trooper, I hope she's really all right.

  "You've got an appetite," I said, "reckon that means you're feelin' better".

  She furrowed her brow, despite her smile. Ow, she poked me hard!

  "I'm not the one who nearly died, you dork."

  The fact that elvish had a word that translated as "dork" threw me off. Jeez did I just get scolded? Yeah, I did.

  She laughed the same way as always, "but, that's just your nature isn't it? Brave and kind to a fault."

  I clicked my tongue, "You're one to talk."

  Her cheeks reddened ever so slightly, but she smiled widely and raised her hand like a schoolgirl answering a question in class. "Guilty as charged!"

  As we started heading back I said, rubbing my neck a bit, “So hey, thanks for saving my bacon back there. What you did was amazing!”

  She said, smiling, “I am merely a conduit for The Elfmother’s power, Sir Victor. But you are more than welcome, all the same. Come! Let us see which of us is quicker!”

  Suddenly, the princess dashed off at full speed! Gah! An unexpected foot race challenge! I’d wanted to ask her about those new holy powers of hers, but, oh well, that could wait until after dinner I supposed. I was pretty famished but I was still able to keep up with her as we ran back to town and where our friends were waiting for us. As we ate, everyone was over the moon with each bite. Once everyone was stuffed, our alliance had a serious meeting. It was a sudden call that came out of nowhere shortly after we were done cleaning up. The White Wolves stood before us, in formation.

  "We're coming with you," Rayna said.

  "Huh? Where to?"

  She said, hands akimbo, "To find this Mastermind, and crush him."

  Guy said, "We Hylarians are descended from heroes, and their blood still runs strongly in our veins. It has become quite clear that this Black Order is a threat to all civilization, something which I, a knight errant of Hylaria, can not abide."

  Selafyn said with his signature grin, "And from what I understand, there's a great deal of plunder to be had from their bases of operations." He crossed his arms, "Plus, I hate devil-worshiping assholes!"

  Guy nodded, "Aye, friend elf, it is well that in this situation profit and righteousness happen to fall upon the same path, and I couldn't be gladder for your blades being trained upon my foes."

  Rayna clicked her tongue, "My companions have said everything already leaving me with nothing else," she smiled, "If the rage of Rayna the Fire-Hair, the Crimson Destroyer, warrior of the northlands, daughter of Kultar The Bear, in whom the dragonflame burns bright, can be directed at this heinous foe, please, allow it to be so."

  Holy “and my axe” Batman! There was no way I was gonna argue against such an impassioned speech spoken in earnest, know whatta mean? So of course we accepted, but that begged the question of what to do now.

  "Um," said the princess, "I propose we all return to Tor Anaura. We need to deliver all of these documents to Hanzorian, don't we? Might as well all go and rest up while we're there - there are very few ails that cannot be soothed by seeking respite among the highborn elves."

  "For everything else, there is breakfast food," I said.

  Everyone agreed. So then there came again the issue of transportation. My car only sat six, in intimate conditions. Eight was a no-go from the word-go. At length, Nenewyn and Sylfaena sighed and looked at each other ruefully.

  The elder of the two said, "We've come across a solution from among the pages of your friend's spellbook, Lady Rayna."

  Sylfaena said, "But it's embarrassing. Please. Pack up and prepare to leave on the morrow - and you shall see."

  Night fell, morning came, and we all gathered together. Everyone except of course the two wizards. Huh? The princess was carrying their luggage, they traveled light so there was only one case apiece. More importantly, I saw that she was being followed by two cats - one calico with aquamarine eyes, and a black cat with amethyst eyes. Amethyst and aquamarine? No way. I took the luggage from the princess and loaded it into the trunk, and before I could even ask about the cats I heard a clarion call from just inside the carriage house.

  Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

  "Shotgun!" The voice had come from Mal, and the princess was stunned. Sorry. At least you're getting feline attention. Mal took his seat, triumphantly, and the princess sat in the middle of the front bench seat. The sable cat sat in the princess' lap while the other one seemed content with her shoulder. The white wolves arrived, unarmored, for they'd left their gear inside of Rayna's portable hole - smart. If we got attacked by something fast enough to outrun a Cadillac, I had a rifle.

  "What a fascinating vehicle, I say," said Guy, "Truly remarkable! To think that it can go as fast as a horse!"

  I laughed, "You ain't seen nothing yet," and turned on the engine. We were all packed, breakfast was eaten, and I had a band named after an anachronistic torture device playing some of their greatest hits. One quick seatbelt instruction later and I punched it. The cats already understood the assignment and had taken measures to hold onto something, but of course the White Wolves were unprepared for doing eighty across the wilderness. Once the initial shock had passed, it became a nice smooth ride. It was just as we were ready to switch out albums that the subject of our missing companions came up.

  "You're looking at them," said the princess, stroking the calico gently, "They turned themselves into cats!"

  "I-er-I had no idea Falstad had such a spell," said Rayna, half puzzled and half amused, I reckoned.

  Mal said, "It was hardly a mystery, after all they maintained their eye color as you can see. But what I'm curious about," Mal stroked his chin and pointed at my glovebox, "Is what exactly is behind this conspicuously door-shaped thing?"

  I'd completely forgotten to check what was in there, since I usually only needed to open it if some state trooper pulled me over as an excuse to gawk at my car. Cheeky. I shrugged, "Open it. Let's find out."

  Mal did so, and then he started to pick through things. One of Martinez' packs of cigarettes, the kind with the Indian chief on it, unopened. Road maps that I'd never use again but perhaps they might interest some hobbyist here. Oh, I had a pocket bible in there too, and an old pocket knife I'd forgotten about. One of them metal flashlights, useless in this world for obvious reasons. Oh hey! The case with my aviator shades! Yoink, I put those on immediately! Then I cringed as Mal brought out a small unopened cardboard box of - twelve friggin prophylactics!

  "Whoops," I said, laughing nervously, "Forgot I had those."

  Oh no he was examining them curiously. Shit, he was reading the directions on the box, wasn't he, yeah that's one hell of a grin he's got on.

  "Fascinating," he said, "What wonders your old world hath wrought."

  The calico cat was reading it too, it seemed, then it glared at Selafyn of all people, rolled her eyes, and shook her head. That was weird. Wonder what that was about? Moving on. It was well that the people in the back couldn't see through our seat to see what Mal was marvelling at.

  "Um, what are those for, Sir Victor?" Enquired the princess.

  Mal saved me with, "For the prevention of certain ailments as well as one particular lifelong condition full of various ups and downs for which there is no cure apart from death."

  "Surely my mother could-"

  Mal shook his head, "She would only make it last longer."

  The princess turned pale. That exchange seemed to prevent any further questions. It wasn't like he was lying, of course, I'd call being born the beginning of a reasonably lifetime-sized condition, and to call VD an ailment is an understatement. Mal, you really are a pal.

  After just a few hours, we made it: Hello Tor Anaura, I'm back! I parked us right in front of the royal palace itself. The White Wolves, who had never seen an elvish city, were stunned; Guy even started praying to Saint Luca with gratitude for allowing him to witness it. At that point the cats followed the princess inside. At length the three of them emerged, back to elf form again, and beckoned me to follow inside. Sylfaena had sent a transmission ahead of us, so we were expected - his majesty was looking the same as ever, and Hanzorian was also there to greet us. There was much to discuss but it was mostly logistical in nature, and not worth going over in fine detail. Basically, Hanzo needed time to extrapolate the mastermind's location so we had some downtime available. While Nenewyn and Sylfaena remained to assist Hanzorian, the rest of us would out to find some lodging.

  When I emerged there was something of a scene going on. Valyrian was there! I guessed he'd just got back from an air patrol because Snauro was nearby. He was glaring at Selafyn, intensely. Crap, a pair of brash warriors prone to getting into fights just met for the first time ever and were now staring each other down with arms folded across their chests. Huh? Why did the princess squeak just now, and why was she blushing? Girls are weird. Just when I thought that the legendary warrior and this relative greenhorn were about to come to blows, Val stuck a thumb up.

  "You look strong," he said, "We should spar!"

  "Hells yeah!" said Selafyn, adopting the same akimbo stance that Valyrian had switched to, "Then beer and women afterwards."

  "I like this new guy already," he laughed. They both laughed, then Val turned about and realized that the princess and I were standing right there. Damn, he was a man caught between two magnets, unable to decide who to bearhug first - so he got us both in the same one. Incidentally, the others who'd been left outside, that is Mal, Guy, and Rayna, were in complete awe of Valyrian - whose name they had only heard only in legends before today.

  "Vic! Sis! When the short-devil didja get back? I saw your Cadillac as I was flying overhead and just had to come down - they said ya were in a meeting with Han!"

  "Just a short while ago," I said, happy to see him but struggling to breathe, "We briefed Hanzo and then we came out thinkin' of grabbing some food."

  "Great timing, I’m cravin’ some fresh hotmeat too!" Said Val "Come on, let's all go to the Longneck! Your new buddies too of course!"

  After a brief exchange of names, we headed over to that delightful little pub I had fond memories of. Over some delicious fare we caught each other up. I learned that Valyrian had been teaching his brother how to be a better fighter which I thought was pretty damn cool.

  "So, how about you Vic," he said between gnashings of a joint of meat, "This one ain't been getting you in too much trouble?" He obviously meant the princess.

  "Ha! We go looking for it, together, as an adventuring party. We're actually tin rank!"

  The princess and I brought out our chips, and Mal followed suit, somewhat smugly.

  "Great! Ya got to tin faster than I did! Good, good! Yes, I'd noticed you seemed more confident than before, it's obvious you've been practicing with a sword." I nodded.

  Rayna said, "I never would have thought that the legendary Tiger of Anaura would be so humble and worldly - to treat one of us mere human wolf cubs with such reverence."

  Val grinned, "Tah, humble nothin' I owe this man a lot." He gave the princess' hair a tousle; it took her a moment to realize his hand was covered in fat and she pinched him.

  "As for his worldliness," Mal began "There are legends about that too - among the guild it is said that his post-victory parties were always hits, and guests would receive party favors in the form of bits of treasure. Then there was the outrageous legend of how he'd singlehandedly destroyed a band of raiders, completely in the buff, after a night of passion with seven ladies."

  "It was ten," corrected Val, “And I was wearing a bedsheet as an improvised loincloth.”

  "Ten then, sorry old boy, sometimes the details get lost in the fog of war," Mal said, seemingly not done but-

  Selafyn slammed the table, "Ten in one night! Ha! A man after my own heart! Some day I'll match that!" He took another fierce bite of his own joint. Using the exact same method as Valyrian. Huh.

  Guy coughed, "All that aside, to sit at a table with a living legend is nothing short of an honor. Sir Valyrian, you may be happy to know that Hylaria considers your valor to be an inspiration. Won't you tell us, perhaps, of your campaign during the orcish incursion of 637?"

  "637," he counted, "That was, oh yeah! That was back when I recruited Han for the old man and found my dragon!"

  I'd heard the story from him before and it had been pretty damn epic. But this time Mal surprised us by offering musical accompaniment and sound effects. Nice touch. Once that was done, Val turned to me again.

  "Vic, I heard that you've been wrecking house yourself lately! What's this I'm hearing about you routing a cavalry charge and clearing out a Black Order base? You must tell me the details!"

  I shrugged and brought out the leather case where I'd been stashing my achievement patches. Bringing each set out a little at a time, I recounted every last thing that we'd been up to over the summer. Did I just walk right into a school-life TV episode cliche? No matter. The White Wolves were, of course, stunned to hear about all of the things we might have forgotten to mention about our exploits. Not that they were ones to talk, as I'd find out later, as they had also committed some heroic deeds themselves prior to trying to tackle the Gaian Waste.

  Val's expression turned grave when we reached the part about the succubus, he became serious, and so did that happy-go lucky half-elf; huh that's a familiar way to hold one's chin, in fact Valyrian was doing the same thing. Everyone else just kind of tilted their heads down, eyes closed as though in prayer.

  "So in the end, it was my sister's turn to save your life," he said, "That was a close call. You are very fortunate that the elf mother was with you in that moment. You all are. Even I would be no match for a succubus matriarch if it managed to enchant my mind. It was well that it chose to try draining your life immediately rather than trying to dominate you fully and force you to attack your companions. That ability, the one offering total control, is risky; it's powerful, but much easier to resist than their charm." He started a solemn prayer to Elianora and then took a huge swig from his ale.

  I recited some of Psalm 23 and took a swig myself. Yeah, I agreed, if it had been any of the other groups as we'd been split into we'd have been toast. Other forms of damage can harm demons, I heard, but holy energy is the one thing that they truly fear; it's their weakness. Even holy water burned them, and a strongly presented symbol of faith worked the same way it did in some vampire movies. Once again I was reminded of the nature of true evil. I don’t fear demons, I’d once said - and there I was almost dying to one.

  But, now was a time for rest and relaxation - we returned to more jolly topics after that. Valyrian was keen to hear about chimaera meat of course, and it went on for a while. It was still broad daylight when we left, so of course we hadn't drunk more than a couple beers with our lunch - we still had our heads together.

  While Valyrian resolved to give the White Wolves a grand tour of the city, I had other plans with Mal and the princess: we were going to the marketplace. Yep. I also had something to discuss with them; just the two core members of my party. I took a deep breath through my nose, opened my mouth, and then to my shock all three of us uttered the exact same thing at the exact same time:

  "Selafyn is Valyrian's son, isn't he?"

  "Those two couldn't be more obviously related if they tried," said Mal, with a dosey doe around us.

  The princess sighed, face firmly in palm. "I've been an aunt for the past forty odd years. Sylfaena was right. She told me her suspicions after she changed back from being a cat, and Nenewyn had come to the same conclusion, and I didn't believe them until I saw those two staring each other down. Their stances are identical!"

  "Mannerisms too," I said, "Christ preserve, how is it that they themselves don't realize it?"

  "That's just how big brother is," said the princess, "and since…my nephew is cut from the same cloth, well…" She trailed off.

  I nodded, "Yes they both seem to be somewhat strong of arm and dumb of ass."

  "Idioms, Sir Victor." The princess looked dejected. "This whole time."

  Ah, she must have been thinking about all the years she missed being that guy's aunt or something, I guessed-

  But she cried out, "This whole time he'd been doing those things even while travelling with me? Gah! I am giving big brother such a pinch! By the mother's will I'll teach that lech to think about the consequences of his action and mark my words-"

  The princess went on like this for quite a while. Still, it was only our suspicion and it could have been a coincidence, it's not like we had a DNA test. I stopped dead in my tracks. Wait. DNA is a code. And codes are patterns. I realized that it may be time to head back to Caer Caradon to pick up three horses and one Meli Karga. The princess, and Sylfaena, agreed..

  When did you guess Selafyn's Identity?