Fizzypop sat with their shining purple shoes propped up casually on the edge of the table in their digital studio. The camera slowly, dramatically zoomed in on their face. On the table, starkly centered, sat an empty crystal plate.

  When the camera reached the perfect close-up, Fizzypop dropped their feet, leaned toward the lens, and adopted a posture of deadly seriousness.

  “Viewers, gamers, food enthusiasts… and that one shut-in who has a crush on me, you know who you are. Today I come with tragic news.” Fizzypop paused for maximum effect.

  “My promised pastry of awful weirdness, soon to be crafted by our neko noob noms maker, is delayed.”

  “Why, you ask? Was our nifty neko napping?”

  “No!”

  Fizzypop stood up and slammed a fist onto the table.

  “It’s because some muscle-headed, over-leveled Fighter thought it’d be fun to PK our Level 1 baker. That’s right! A Pastry Killer!”

  The scene swiped to a close-up shot of the empty plate, the symbol of their loss.

  “Our beautifully odd baker, sliced in half like a morning bagel, while she was off collecting ingredients for her next masterpiece!”

  Fizzypop dropped back into their chair, breathless with manufactured outrage.

  “A dessert deletionist. A frosting felon. A… a… a no-good Pastry Killer!”

  They leaned in conspiratorially.

  “Now, our kitty is cooling her claws in the clink after trying to sneak into town with her bag full of goodies, meaning dessert is tragically delayed.”

  Fizzypop scanned the live chat log, the screen exploding with viewer outrage and demands. Many viewers mentioned they’d already tried the Chewy Mushroom Mint or the Plum and Bean Thing.

  Fizzypop turned off the camera and smirked, satisfied. This cat girl was content gold: her impossible plan to fight the World Boss, her weird food, her constant low-level troubles… they could easily milk this storyline until the game died, then move on to the next world of digital delicacies.

  They shook their head, realizing they were performing rage alliterations even off-camera. The brand is strong.

  ---

  Noobkitty sat in her upgraded room, staring at her meager inventory: basic flour, sugar, berries, nuts, mushrooms. She checked the Herbalist’s list again: standard herbs, common spices, basic peppers, a single potato.

  “I could just make herb and potato bread… but would that generate me more sales? No. That stupid wizard wants something awful.”

  How do you purposefully make a pastry look putrid without making it actually taste bad?

  She set her head down on the table, too late realizing it was dusted in flour.

  “Mrew!” she hissed, brushing the white dust from her grey fur.

  “I need more ingredients. I need peas. I need soybeans. I need…”

  A flash of inspiration for a truly awful-looking pastry hit her, but she immediately dropped her head back to the table.

  “I can’t leave town. I’ll either get PK’d or eaten by a random, oversized forest creature. Level 1 sucks.”

  Then she remembered the one advantage of her new party.

  Party Chat

  Noobkitty: Emergency! I need stuff!

  Grimmblade: What kind of stuff?

  Noobkitty: Produce! Beans, mangoes, stuff I can’t get here!

  Fizzypop: Who the heck is Grimmblade?

  Grimmblade: I’m Grimmblade.

  Noobkitty: The big dude who cut me in half.

  Fizzypop: THE PASTRY KILLER IS IN OUR PARTY?!

  Noobkitty: He’s on a redemption arc. Grimmblade, can you get me foreign foodstuffs?

  Grimmblade: No problem. Give me an hour and I’ll meet you at Gristle and Beers. Tired of trying to die, it’s taken me half a day to die twice. Ten deaths to level drop.

  Noobkitty: LOL. A thousand ways to die to get to Level 1.

  Fizzypop: Wait! You’ll get her the ingredients? PK is a hero!

  Grimmblade: Turning off chat. See you at the bar.

  Fizzypop: What do you have planned, Kitty?

  Noobkitty: Exactly what you asked for: something awful.

  ---

  At the bar, Grimmblade sat with Noobkitty, using the party interface’s item transfer function to send her an inventory full of hard-to-get cooking supplies and some basics unavailable in the starting town.

  Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  “I set it up so tomorrow afternoon you’ll meet with a Traveling Merchant who has full access to the world’s inventory,” Grimmblade said, taking a large swig of beer.

  Noobkitty sipped her glowing orange fruit drink, carefully removed the orange slice garnish, and studied it. “Oranges?”

  Grimmblade nodded. “Yes. She can get you oranges.”

  She smiled and bit into the slice. “Nice. Thanks for getting all this. I already forgive you for killing me. But are you sure you want to keep dying until you hit Level 1? Sounds brutal.”

  “My stats are too high, even without equipment. I was going to ask: can you make negative stat food?”

  Noobkitty blinked. “Is that a thing?”

  Grimmblade nodded. “Usually it’s a tiny drop, but… the AI has trouble with your food. Maybe if you make something intentionally designed to lower stats, it’ll work more than expected.”

  She sighed, defeated. “Between you and Fizzypop… can’t I just make mango cupcakes with coconut milk frosting?”

  “You could. But if you want a Level 1 Fighter with maxed skills on your World Boss team…”

  “Fine. I’ll try to think of a way to make your cursed food.”

  “Fantastic. Until then, I’m going to lie in a field and get eaten by giant spiders.”

  He finished his beer and vanished with a swift teleport scroll.

  Noobkitty muttered to herself: “How do you make vegan food unhealthy?”

  The next day, she looked utterly exhausted. Her whiskers were thoroughly dusted with flour, her leather apron smeared in what looked disturbingly like blood and gore, and her dress was crusted with crystallized sugar.

  Her market stall opened with only two items for sale:

  Offal Vegan Ball: Lv 21

  Looks like something died, so obviously it gives you strength… or something.

  +3% Strength for 6 hours.

  Bitter Bean Brittle: Lv 21

  Raw kidney beans are bad for you; sugar and salt aren’t great in large amounts either, so this is bad for your health.

  -90% Health for 6 hours.

  Fizzypop and Grimmblade who had teleportes back, stared at the “creations.”

  “Noobkitty! You’ve outdone yourself, you made cursed food!” Fizzypop shrieked with delight. “Do you know how many of these you'll sell to my viewers and meme players?!”

  “Uh… the brittle was mainly for Grimmblade. But I made enough to sell some and give you one. Grizzlebeard wouldn’t touch it. The mochi ball’s for you.”

  Grimmblade nodded, his eyes gleaming with professional interest. “Thank you, Miss Kitty. This will speed up my deaths significantly. I’ll buy a hundred now, but I’ll need more to get to Level 1 in time.”

  He transferred a huge sum of gold.

  “Paying in advance, I see,” she said, slightly overwhelmed. “Thanks. I’ll keep you in death brittle.”

  “I’m off to get stabbed by demonic rhinos,” he announced, vanishing with another teleport.

  Fizzypop tentatively poked the white-and-red-speckled mochi ball. “The AI says it’s ‘offal,’ but it’s just… a white ball.”

  Noobkitty grinned, she grabbed and bit into one herself. She let red juice deliberately drip down her chin. She turned the half-eaten sphere to reveal a shimmering red center and pressed it so it looked like it pulsed.

  Fizzypop stared, mesmerized. “What is that?”

  “Candied and puréed beets. Sweet, earthy. The red specks are beet sugar flakes.”

  “…Yeah. I was wrong. This works perfectly. My fans will absolutely love it. You'll need to get cooking to sell to all the new fans who’ll come just to try your weird snacks.”

  Noobkitty yawned deeply. “Just selling what I have today. I'm taking the next two days off after this afternoon.”

  “What’s happening this afternoon?”

  “I'm supposed to meet with that Traveling Merchant that Grimmblade set up.”

  “Oh, will this merchant get you even more exotic supplies for your cooking?”

  She nodded, stretching.

  “Well, good luck with that. Um... what does this taste like?” Fizzypop asked, carefully holding up one of the kidney bean brittles.

  “Not a clue,” she said plainly.

  “You didn't try it?”

  “I’m Level 1. A 90% health reduction means a paper cut would kill me instantly. No thank you.”

  Fizzypop nodded slowly. “Good thing I’m going to eat it in the safety of my own studio.”

  “You and Grimmblade will have to tell me how it tastes. I can’t imagine it’ll be good.”

  Party Chat

  Grimmblade: Noobkitty! Seriously, the amount of salt in this thing is an abomination. And the crunch, and... are you sure you forgive me for killing you?

  Fizzypop: Spoilers! I haven't tried it yet!

  Noobkitty was about to pass out from exhaustion. It had been a great day of trades and sales, only a few pieces of brittle left, and the mochi balls had sold out quickly. She sat, accepting a kindness from Grizzlebeard, who brought her a simple baked potato and a salad. The meal oddly reminded her of real-world menu options, and she felt a brief twinge of nostalgia.

  Then she saw her: the cutest Bunny Beastkin imaginable. She wore a well-fitted cotton dress with a swooshy skirt, her little cotton tail peeking out.

  In the real world, Noobkitty wasn’t a furry. But here, as a Cat Beastkin, she could admit this Bunny was undeniably adorable.

  “I take it you’re Noobkitty?” the Bunny asked, her nose twitching.

  “Yes. And you’re the Traveling Merchant?”

  “Yes. I’m here for all your exotic produce needs.”

  Noobkitty knew this was an NPC, probably not a fully self-aware one like Grizzlebeard, but she couldn’t help but lean into the moment.

  “That sounds wonderful. Tell me, how good are your carrots?”

  “Oh, my carrots are of the highest quality,” the Bunny said with pride.

  “Beautiful. And do you have melons?”

  “Of course. The best melons in the world,” the Bunny insisted.

  “Mmm… seeing is believing. Can I see your melons?”

  Completely clueless, the Bunny pulled two large, perfect cantaloupes from her inventory.

  “Now tell me, have you ever seen melons better than mine?”

  Noobkitty broke into laughter. “You know what? I can’t say I ever have.” She eventually calmed her giggles. “Seriously, though, do you have garbanzo beans? I’d like to make hummus.”

  “Oh yes, only the finest are available from my… my… my…”

  The Bunny girl started to glitch, her graphics distorting and flickering.

  “Wel… wel… welcome to the Bunny Merchants, where we hop to get you what you need. My name is… my name is… [name not found]…”

  Grizzlebeard vaulted over the counter in a startling show of agility.

  “Cat, she’s glitching! She’s about to be deleted!” he shouted, rushing over.

  “What? No! Her melons! I need her, she can’t be deleted!” Noobkitty exclaimed, genuinely worried for her future produce supply and her new employee.

  “If you want to save her, you need to give her a purpose. A vital function. That’ll keep her from being deleted!”

  “How do I give someone a purpose in life?!”

  Grizzlebeard frantically waved his hand over an interface Noobkitty couldn’t see. A quest notification popped up on her screen.

  Quest: Capitalism

  Purchase a store and hire your first employee.

  Reward: Advanced merchant interface unlocked.

  Another, more immediate prompt appeared:

  Would you like to buy the shop at spot 00176.5 x 00048.2?

  [Yes] / [No]

  Noobkitty slammed [Yes]. Almost all her remaining gold instantly vanished from her inventory.

  Please assign a manager to this store.

  “I don’t know her name!” Noobkitty yelled in a panic, watching the Bunny distort more and more.

  “We’ll find out her name after, just touch her and say you assign this NPC!” Grizzlebeard instructed.

  Noobkitty reached out and awkwardly touched the Bunny.

  “I assign this NPC to my store to be its manager!”

  You have selected NPC .ex to manage your store.

  Quest Complete – Capitalism: You now own a store and have an employee. 5% of all sales go to your manager, .ex.

  The Bunny stabilized instantly, her form snapping back into clarity. She blinked at Noobkitty.

  “That was weird,” the Bunny, now designated .ex, said, her expression clear. Then she smirked slightly. “Huh. You know… that melons joke wasn’t that funny, boss.”

  ---

  Message from CheshyBot:

  Hey Sis,

  Nice snag getting that PK’R to join you. We’ve already cut together an early montage of his inevitable death scenes, especially after that bean stuff you fed him.

  We’ll skip tasting it ourselves, but… did you send Fizzypop with an extra one of those beet things? We’ve got a members-only video in the works, and you know some of our “special” viewers lose their minds watching GobMouse eat stuff. They’ll lose their souls if they see her tearing into a bleeding pastry.

  Keep up the chaos. Love ya.

  -CheshyBot

  P.S. wait... did you just hire a Bunny Girl?