One Week After The Social Experiment - r/TheEternalSoldier
u/DeepStateDigger: NEW DISCOVERY: The International Mockery Files
Okay so I've been digging through leaked diplomatic cables and you guys are NOT going to believe this.
Remember how we know governments keep arresting The Eternal Soldier? Well, other governments MOCK them for it.
I found evidence that when the USA arrested him in 2024, France sent them a FRUIT BASKET.
[Uploads image of leaked memo]
"Dear James, Congratulations on your recent incident. We understand completely. Enclosed please find a fruit basket as a token of our sympathy. We know the feeling. Best regards, Claude."
The French director sent a FRUIT BASKET to the American intelligence director after the CIA arrested The Eternal Soldier.
[89.4k upvotes, 12,384 comments in 3 hours]
u/FrenchConnection: WAIT. I'm French. I remember 2018 when our special forces did something weird in Paris. It was all over the news for like a day then VANISHED from coverage. Was that...?
u/DeepStateDigger: YES. France arrested him in 2018. Which is why they sent the fruit basket to the USA in 2024. They KNEW.
u/BritishHumor: The mental image of a French intelligence director revenge-sending fruit is incredible
u/RussianBot_NotReally: Russia did this too. 2015. I found reference to "Lubyanka incident" in old news archives. All coverage deleted within 48 hours.
u/DeepStateDigger: I FOUND THE RUSSIAN INCIDENT REPORT. He escaped from their most secure prison. Left a review. "3/10, food mediocre."
u/RussianBot_NotReally: HE REVIEWED OUR PRISON???
u/GermanEfficiency: This is the best thread I've ever read
Two Hours Later
u/InternationalRelations_PhD: I teach IR at Georgetown. I just dug through my university's diplomatic archive access. You need to see this.
[Uploads document]
Audio transcript from leaked phone call between US DNI and Russian FSB Director (2015):
"Dmitri, it's James Cartwright."
"Oh, James. James, James, James. You did it again!"
[SOUND: Laughter]
"Yes, Dmitri. We did it again."
"Third time! Three times in six years! And you call US incompetent!"
This is from 2024. The US had just arrested The Eternal Soldier for the THIRD time. And Russia called to LAUGH AT THEM.
[143.7k upvotes]
u/DeepStateDigger: OH MY GOD THERE'S MORE
Same phone call transcript:
"You know what the best part is, James? When we arrested him in 2015, you called us. You called to laugh. You remember?"
"I remember."
"Karma, as they say, is bitch."
THE USA LAUGHED AT RUSSIA IN 2015. THEN RUSSIA LAUGHED AT USA IN 2024. THIS IS INTERNATIONAL INTELLIGENCE PETTY DRAMA.
u/DiplomaticTea: This is the most human thing I've ever heard about intelligence agencies
u/SkepticalSam: They're just PEOPLE. Stupid people who keep arresting the same immortal soldier and then laughing at each other.
u/TinfoilTina: i cant breathe this is so funny
Three Hours Later - The UK Thread
u/BritishPride: Right, so I did some digging on the UK side. Want to know something beautiful?
The UK has NEVER arrested The Eternal Soldier.
Not once.
In 450 years.
And they're EXTREMELY smug about it.
[Uploads leaked memo]
From: Sir Nigel Pierce, MI6
To: DNI Cartwright
Subject: Re: Recent Incident
"Oh, James. I heard. My condolences. You know, we've had a betting pool going. How long until the Americans arrest him again. I had three years. Seems I was optimistic. Best of luck with your implementation. -Nigel"
P.S. The fruit basket was a nice touch. Very thoughtful.
[267.9k upvotes, 18,492 comments]
u/DeepStateDigger: THE UK HAD A BETTING POOL
u/BritishHumor: Of COURSE we did. We're British. Betting and smugness are our national pastimes.
u/AmericanPride_2024: okay but why haven't YOU arrested him
u/BritishPride: Found the answer. Elizabeth I knighted him in 1583. There's a standing order from 1583 that's never been revoked: "Don't arrest knights without Crown authorization." He's LEGALLY PROTECTED by a 442-year-old law.
u/HistoryNerd_PhD: Elizabeth I KNIGHTED him??? WHEN WAS HE GOING TO MENTION THIS
u/DeepStateDigger: The man has been alive so long he forgot to put "knighted by Good Queen Bess" on his resume
u/BritishPride: We have 450 years of institutional memory. You Americans have 80 years and keep forgetting.
u/AmericanPride_2024: ...fair
The Counter-Arguments Begin
u/CanadianPolite: Canada here. We've never arrested him either.
The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.
u/BritishPride: Have you been around for 450 years?
u/CanadianPolite: ...no but we've been nice about it
u/AussieMatee: Australia checking in. We also haven't arrested him. Our policy is simple: anyone who can fight Big Dave the crocodile and live gets to visit unmolested.
u/DeepStateDigger: I'm sorry WHAT
u/AussieMatee: Big Dave. Six-meter saltwater croc. Killed three people. The Eternal Soldier wrestled him in 2019, won, then let him go because Dave was "just being territorial." Anyone with that much respect for Australian wildlife isn't getting arrested by us.
u/TinfoilTina: HE WRESTLED A CROCODILE
u/AussieMatee: And won. Then let it live. That's our kind of bloke.
The French Response Thread
u/FrenchConnection: Okay Americans are laughing at us for the 2018 incident but let me tell you what ACTUALLY happened
We arrested him. Realized our mistake in 30 minutes. Our own special forces extracted him from our own building. WHILE WE WATCHED.
Then we got a call from the UK.
u/BritishPride: We sent you a fruit basket in 2019.
u/FrenchConnection: YES. Card said "Merci for not being stupide like us." YOU SENT US A FRUIT BASKET FOR NOT ARRESTING HIM FOR A DECADE.
u/BritishPride: We're very proud of our record
u/FrenchConnection: We are aware. You remind us. CONSTANTLY.
u/DeepStateDigger: This is the pettiest international drama I've ever witnessed and I LOVE IT
The Russia-USA Rivalry Thread
u/RussianBot_NotReally: Since we're sharing national embarrassments, let me tell you about the 2015 incident
We captured The Eternal Soldier. Don't ask how. We don't know how. He was just... there. In Moscow. In our facility.
We held him for THREE DAYS.
He asked for a chess set. We gave him one. Why not?
He challenged guards to games. Lost every single one. Guards started betting.
Final bet: If he wins, he walks out the front door. All guards agreed—witnesses everywhere.
He won.
He WALKED OUT THE FRONT DOOR.
Left a note: "3/10, food mediocre."
u/AmericanPride_2024: HE HUSTLED THE KGB
u/RussianBot_NotReally: We know. We are still angry. The officer who authorized the bet was demoted.
u/DeepStateDigger: What did the USA do when they heard?
u/RussianBot_NotReally: [Uploads audio transcript]
"Dmitri, I heard about your incident. My condolences."
[SOUND: Laughter]
"You Americans laugh now. Wait until it is YOUR turn."
And then in 2024, it WAS your turn. So we called to laugh.
u/AmericanPride_2024: This is like a sitcom but with international intelligence
The Master Thread Update
u/DeepStateDigger: UPDATED MASTER LIST: Who Has Arrested The Eternal Soldier
ARRESTED HIM:
USA: 3 times (1947 origin, 2024 CIA, 2025 FBI - this one they got right!) France: 1 time (2018) Russia: 1 time (2015)
NEVER ARRESTED HIM:
UK: 450 years of smugness Canada: "We're just nice" Australia: "He respects Big Dave" Germany: "We learned from France" Israel: "Anyone who survived the Romans isn't our problem" Japan: "We sent him a gift basket"
INTERNATIONAL MOCKERY INCIDENTS:
France → USA: Fruit basket (2024) UK → France: Fruit basket (2019) UK → USA: "I had three years in the betting pool" Russia → USA: "Karma is bitch" (2024) USA → Russia: [Laughter] (2015)
CONCLUSION: The Eternal Soldier is protected by everyone, arrested by idiots, and the cause of the pettiest international intelligence drama in history.
[412.8k upvotes, 28,394 comments]
The Comments:
u/HistoryBuff2000: This is the best thing on the internet. Intelligence agencies acting like gossipy teenagers while an immortal soldier just wants to drink coffee.
u/InternationalLaw_Prof: From a legal perspective, this is FASCINATING. Every country has different protocols. The UK uses a law from 1583. Australia uses crocodile policy. The US uses a database flag they keep forgetting to check.
u/MilitaryWife88: My husband came home last night, saw me reading this thread, and said "Oh God, they found out about the fruit baskets." THEN WALKED AWAY. He won't elaborate.
u/DataScientist_Real: I graphed the arrest frequency. It's every 2-3 years. Like clockwork. Someone, somewhere, will forget and arrest him. Then their allies call to mock them.
u/BritishPride: As they should. If you can't learn from 450 years of institutional memory, you deserve mockery.
u/FrenchConnection: Nigel, is that you?
u/BritishPride: No comment.
DIA Analysis Center - Amanda Foster Reading With Joy
Amanda had tears in her eyes from laughing.
Her phone rang. Cartwright.
"They found the fruit baskets," she managed.
"I know. I'm reading it too."
"They found the Russia-USA phone calls."
"Yes."
"They found out about Big Dave the crocodile."
"That was always going to come out eventually."
"Sir, they think Nigel Pierce is posting on Reddit under u/BritishPride."
Cartwright was quiet for a moment. Then: "Is he?"
"I don't know, sir. But it would be very on-brand."
"Indeed it would."
Amanda scrolled through more comments. "Sir, the public loves this. They think it's hilarious that intelligence agencies are petty with each other. They're not scared or concerned—they're ENTERTAINED."
"Because it's human. We've spent decades being mysterious and intimidating. Turns out people prefer us when we're idiots who laugh at each other for making the same mistake."
"The thread has 412,000 upvotes and counting. It's the top post on Reddit globally."
"What are they saying about Perseus?"
Amanda read through comments:
"The Eternal Soldier has survived 2,500 years of war and government stupidity. He deserves a medal and a nap."
"Every country: [arrests him] / The Eternal Soldier: [sighs] / His allies: [LAUGHTER]"
"The UK being smug about 450 years is peak British energy."
"Russia hustled by chess. France sending revenge fruit baskets. USA getting called by Russia to be mocked. This is GOLD."
"I love that he's just living his life while nations argue about who screwed up worse."
"They get it," Cartwright said. "They understand he's the adult in the room and we're all idiots arguing about who's the bigger idiot."
"Pretty much, sir."
"Good. That's... actually good."
Five Eyes Emergency Call - That Evening
Every director was on the call. Every single one was grinning.
"They found everything," Beaumont said. "The fruit baskets. The phone calls. Big Dave."
"Big Dave was always going to be a problem," the Australian director said cheerfully.
"Nigel, are you u/BritishPride?" Webb asked directly.
Nigel sipped his tea. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"That's not a denial," Morrison noted.
"Nor is it a confirmation. I simply observe that someone on Reddit is being very factual about British competence and I appreciate their accuracy."
"You're posting on Reddit about our collective failures," Volkov said.
"IF I were posting on Reddit, which I am neither confirming nor denying, I would be providing accurate historical context for interested citizens."
"You're enjoying this," Cartwright accused.
"Immensely. We haven't arrested Perseus in 450 years. You lot keep doing it every 2-3 years. It's objectively hilarious."
"The French are still mad about the fruit basket," Beaumont interjected.
"As they should be. It was a nice fruit basket. Very thoughtful."
"Nigel, we need to discuss operational security," Morrison said.
"What operational security? Reddit has connected everything already. They found records going back to Thermopylae. They know about Protocol Echelon. They've made Perseus into a global meme. The cat is not just out of the bag—it's become a celebrity and started its own podcast."
"He has a point," Rachel said.
"The question," Cartwright said, "is what do we do about it?"
"Nothing," Nigel said simply. "We do nothing. They don't know Perseus's name. They don't know where he lives. They just know someone LIKE him exists. And they're overwhelmingly supportive. Why would we interfere?"
"Because it's a security risk," Morrison said.
"To whom? Perseus has been dealing with far worse than Reddit for 2,500 years. I think he can handle some memes and fruit basket jokes."
"He's probably reading the thread right now," Webb said.
"And laughing," Volkov added. "He told them Napoleon was short-tempered. He's absolutely reading it."
"To Perseus," Beaumont said, raising his wine. "May he never discover we're the ones feeding information to u/DeepStateDigger."
Everyone stared at him.
"Claude," Cartwright said slowly. "Are you LEAKING?"
"No comment. But hypothetically, if someone wanted the public to understand the full scope of international intelligence pettiness, they might ensure certain documents were accessible to certain researchers."
"You magnificent bastard," Nigel said admiringly.
"We French appreciate irony. And fruit baskets."
Perseus's Apartment - Same Time
Perseus was reading the Reddit thread on his laptop, absolutely delighted.
They'd found everything. The fruit baskets. The phone calls. Big Dave. The UK's smugness. Russia and USA's rivalry.
And they thought it was hilarious.
He pulled up his phone and texted Cartwright: "Big Dave thread is my favorite. Australia wins."
Cartwright replied: "You wrestled a crocodile and didn't mention it."
"It seemed irrelevant at the time."
"Everything with you seems irrelevant at the time."
"That's fair."
Perseus closed his laptop and looked out at Manhattan.
The internet knew governments kept arresting him.
They knew allies mocked each other about it.
They knew the UK was insufferably smug.
They knew France sent revenge fruit baskets.
And they loved all of it.
Humanity had passed his test, discovered international pettiness, and responded with memes and laughter.
Not bad for a week's work.
