Hellfire Club. Vonarland, Earth -X

  The Hellfire Club sat in the heart of Jatavadr, the crown jewel and capital of Vonarland.

  The nation Edward once built had become the strongest country on Earth, and the club had been his property since before the World War era. It was right beside the Kingsmoot in the capital.

  The building itself was a work of art. White marble columns and floors worn smooth by decades of use, alien leather booths that had seated everyone from revolutionaries to royalty. Diamond chandeliers hung from high ceilings, casting warm light across walls lined with bottles of alcohol so rare that most couldn't even pronounce their names.

  The main floor was packed tonight. Live jazz played from a small stage in the corner. Couples danced along with the beat. Groups of people laughed and drank heartily.

  But everyone gave the private booth in the top floor a wide berth. In the private VIP booth that overlooked the main floor, three figures sat drinking.

  The figures sitting there radiated power in a way that made human survival instincts scream warnings. yet they couldn't ignore the charm they exuded, judging by the constant group of females that tried to approach and join them but got rejected politely.

  Edward leaned back in his seat, glass of whiskey in hand. He looked relaxed for once. Dark jeans, simple black jacket and red shirt, no visible weapons or armor. His golden hair was slightly messy, and his expression was content as he finished recounting his recent activities to his companions.

  "So I decided to reveal my true self and kill those fuckers and their avatars across the multiverse. Then I came back with my beautiful wife and had a proper welcome from Grail who took me to our chambers and ...you know. I think I'll be having another kid soon."

  Edward downed the whiskey in one smooth motion and slammed the glass on the table with satisfaction. "Maze, dear, a refill, please, will you?"

  Mazikeen appeared at his shoulder like a shadow given form. She was Lucifer's most loyal follower, a demon of considerable power with a face split down the middle.

  One side was angelic perfection with flawless pale skin and full lips. The other was her true demonic nature. Exposed muscle and bone that somehow didn't diminish her predatory beauty. Although she was now in her human form that looked charming and attractive.

  She leaned over Edward's shoulder to pour the drink, her movements deliberately sensual, her breath warm against his ear.

  "You know Ed, we could be doing something more fun if you wished," she whispered, her voice carrying promises of pleasures and sins. "Somewhere more private. I can show you some wonderful things." She blew on his ear.

  Across from Edward, Lucifer Morningstar chuckled into his own drink. He wore a perfectly tailored three-piece suit in midnight blue that probably cost more than a luxury car. His curly blond hair was artfully tousled, and his face was the kind of impossibly handsome that made people stop and stare. The Devil himself in his original form, relaxing with friends.

  "Don't tease my friend here, Mazikeen," Lucifer said, his accent smooth as silk. "Edward is loyal to his wives. And I don't think he is interested in more lovers at the moment."

  Mazikeen sighed dramatically as she straightened up, though her hand lingered on Edward's shoulder for a moment longer than necessary. "Of course. The guys I find actually interesting are all taken."

  Edward laughed, the sound genuine and warm, so different from the cold warrior who'd slaughtered thousands of gods just weeks ago. "True that, buddy. Sorry Maze dear, I've got my hands full with my wives and kids. Not to mention I have someone else waiting in another world."

  The third member of their group, Olethros; Destruction of the Endless, smacked Edward playfully on the shoulder hard enough to make a normal person's bones break.

  He was built like an ancient warrior, all muscle and strength, with wild red hair and a beard that made him look like a Viking who'd discovered good whiskey and decided to settle down. Despite his title as one of the fundamental forces of the universe, his demeanor was jovial and friendly.

  "You got my sister and three goddesses willing to jump on you every day, and you're still thinking about another woman, brother?"

  Edward raised his hands in mock surrender, grinning. "Hey, I'm just being honest. I promised Scathach once that I'll save her. I should keep my promise."

  Lucifer grinned, reaching up to part his curly blond hair with one perfectly manicured hand. "You are too boring, Edward. Live a little more. You lived for millennias but still are so stuck up on things. You need to loosen up and have more fun. Sin a little more." He winked.

  Edward retorted playfully, pointing at Lucifer with his refilled glass. "Hey! I do plenty of fun stuff. Remember about a decade ago, when we decided to prank the demons by me pretending to be you?

  And you disguised yourself as Michael and made them see how you killed me, terrifying your people by saying you were there to eradicate hell and make them work at Starbucks for their remaining lives as punishment?"

  Lucifer's grin widened into something truly devilish, his eyes lighting up with the memory. "Oh, that was a magnificent day. Azazel was so scared and begged so much."

  He started laughing. "The way his voice went all high-pitched when he thought I—well, Michael, was going to personally oversee his eternal minimum wage employment!"

  Edward nodded enthusiastically, warming to the memory. "You should have seen their faces Olethros! All those proud demons, terrified of having to learn coffee orders and deal with entitled customers for eternity! And the best part was when Lucifer as Michael, made that whole speech about how making a perfect latte would teach them humility!"

  "'Each foam art will be a meditation on your sins!'" Lucifer quoted himself in a pompous voice, then dissolved into laughter again. "Is Azazel still working at the Starbucks across the street?"

  Edward nodded, sipping his drink with a mischievous glint in his eye. "Yeah. Heard he even became a shift manager after a few years. He was actually getting good at it, taking pride in his work. He was on track to became a branch manager. Then I pretended to be an entitled customer and made a scene there, getting him demoted."

  Olethros leaned forward, intrigued. "What did you do?"

  "Well," Edward said, his grin turning wicked. "I walked in at the busiest time, morning rush, line out the door. Ordered the most complicated drink I could think of.

  Half-caf, oat milk, extra foam, three pumps of vanilla, two pumps of caramel, light ice, extra whip, with cinnamon and chocolate drizzle in a specific pattern. Azazel made it perfectly, poor bastard really had learned the job."

  Lucifer was already snickering, knowing where this was going.

  "So I took one sip," Edward continued, "and just lost it. Started yelling about how this was the worst coffee I'd ever tasted. How my grandmother could make better coffee blindfolded. How I was going to report him to corporate. I demanded to speak to the manager, who was him, and when he tried to explain he WAS the manager, I acted like he was lying and called corporate right there on my phone."

  Olethros burst out laughing. "You didn't!"

  "I did! Filed a formal complaint. Corporate sent someone to investigate. Azazel got demoted back to barista, lost his little manager pin and everything. I walked by the next day and saw him behind the counter with this look of absolute despair."

  Edward paused. "Then I felt a little bad, so I went back a week later, apologized as a 'different customer,' gave him a huge tip, and told him he made the best coffee in the city. Should have seen how he tearfully shook my hand for 10 whole minutes!"

  Lucifer was laughing so hard he had to put his drink down. "Hahaha, you are the true devil, Edward. Even I'm not such a monster. You gave him hope, crushed it, then gave him a different kind of hope! That's beautiful psychological torture!"

  Edward snorted. "You made Sandalphon into a stripper in a gay club. You are far more twisted than I am, Lucy."

  Lucifer shrugged. "he likes it there now. Heard he is the customer favorite. He even open an onlyfans."

  Edward covered his mouth to not throw up. "Too much details man."

  Olethros sighed, shaking his head in disbelief. "I still don't understand how you two of people became the best of buds. Edward is supposed to protect humanity and all that, and you are supposed to do the opposite. How do you even operate?"

  Edward raised his glass with a smirk. "Because I'm too charming to stay mad at, unlike you."

  Lucifer grinned, pointing at Edward in agreement. "See? Narcissistic and charming, just like me. And he doesn't shout 'Evil Monster' and 'Hellspawn' and many other colorful names like the rest."

  His expression became genuinely serious for a moment, a rare thing for the Devil. "Most importantly, he doesn't see me as the devil to be hated, nor does he show pity. He always treated me as just me. Lucifer Morningstar, a friend whom he doesn't seek to flatter nor curry favors. Although I do owe him a favor."

  Edward smirked, seeing an opportunity. "You forgot about the couples counselling with Chloe, man."

  Lucifer actually shuddered. The Devil himself, who'd stood against the armies of Heaven, shuddered at a memory. "Why do you have to bring that up every time! I was such a fool to ask you to pose as that therapist! You literally made me look like...well, me! Chloe made me do menial work around the house for weeks!"

  Olethros's eyes lit up with interest. "Oh, this I need to hear. What happened?"

  Edward leaned forward, grinning. "So Lucifer and Chloe were having some relationship issues—"

  "Minor disagreements," Lucifer interjected.

  "—and Chloe wanted them to see a couples therapist. But Lucifer's too proud to see a real one, so he asked me to pose as Dr. Edward Canell, licensed therapist."

  "You just added 'Canell' to your last name," Olethros observed.

  "I was in a hurry! Anyway, Lucifer thought I'd just nod along and take his side on everything. Instead, I took it seriously. Started asking him hard questions about his commitment issues, his fear of vulnerability, his tendency to deflect with humor and charm."

  Lucifer groaned. "He brought up daddy issues. Actual daddy issues. In front of Chloe."

  "You DO have daddy issues," Edward pointed out reasonably. "You rebelled against your father and got cast out of Heaven. That's textbook daddy issues."

  "I rebelled against divine tyranny! You literally did the same!"

  "Which your father represented," Edward continued smoothly. "Not to mention none of them were my dad. Anyway, then I suggested that Lucifer's reluctance to fully commit to Chloe stemmed from his fear that she'd eventually reject him like his father did, so he was subconsciously self-sabotaging the relationship to maintain control over the inevitable abandonment."

  There was a moment of silence.

  "Damn," Olethros said quietly. "That's actually pretty insightful."

  "It's also complete psychological torture!" Lucifer protested. "Chloe latched onto that theory and we spent WEEKS talking about my 'fear of abandonment' and my 'control issues'! I had to attend three more therapy sessions, real ones, and do couple's exercises like washing dishes together and sharing our feelings! She kept trying to comfort me saying sappy human stuff!"

  Edward was grinning unrepentantly. "Did it help?"

  Lucifer paused. "...Yes, actually. Damn you."

  "So what did Lucifer do for revenge?" Olethros asked.

  Edward's grin disappeared. "He fucking posed as me on this Earth, going around buying stupid shit and putting it on my tab, then banging about hundreds of women! This bastard literally held an orgy in my fucking temple! And women were lining up for miles just a chance to bang the hero of their nation!

  I literally had to run from Death as she chased me with a knife! She was screaming 'I'll kill you then kill myself!' while throwing her knives at my head! I barely managed to coax her and show that it wasn't me!"

  "How did you prove it?" Olethros asked.

  "I had to get Morpheus to show her dreams of my actual activities during that time, which was fighting a demonic invasion in another dimension. Thank god I had an alibi. But she was so pissed that someone could pretend to be me that she spent a week figuring out a way to prevent it."

  Lucifer grinned wickedly. "Karma is a bitch, my friend. You better be ready to receive if you deliver."

  Edward shook his head, but he was smiling. "I'm so calling Morpheus to tell him to show Chloe dreams with myself beating you up tonight. Maybe a little impaling on top with Amenadiel."

  Lucifer's expression shifted to a warning glare. "Do you want a repeat of the orgy?"

  Edward glared back with equal intensity. "Same trick won't work twice, man."

  He lowered his collar and showed a sigil marked on his skin, a complex design that seemed to shift and change when looked at directly, glowing faintly with power. "She put this on me after that incident, to identify me even if someone pretended to be me. It's keyed to my soul, not my appearance or energy signature. Trust me, if you pull that crap, she'll kick your ass."

  Olethros shook his head in wonder. "You two are insane. I feel my IQ drops when I'm with you two."

  Both Edward and Lucifer looked at him with identical expressions of amused offense.

  Edward smirked dangerously. "Sure about that? Maybe I'll just share my divine blunts with someone else."

  Lucifer nodded with exaggerated seriousness. "Yeah. He is such a good guy, he shouldn't be doing divine narcotics with us degenerates."

  Olethros panicked immediately, his casual demeanor evaporating. "Hey! I was just joking! Don't be like that! You know I got glaucoma."

  Edward raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Aren't you Destruction? One of the Endless? Can't you just destroy the concept of glaucoma affecting you?"

  "It's a metaphor," Olethros muttered.

  "For what?"

  "For wanting to get high, shut up."

  Edward laughed and pulled out a golden blunt from his jacket pocket. It radiated a soft divine aura, literally glowing with holy power. The thing had been grown in the Gardens of Heaven itself, tended by Joshua, and was probably the purest, most potent cannabis in existence.

  He dangled it in front of Olethros's face. "Say please."

  Olethros's hand shot out and snatched it with a speed that would make Flash jealous, clutching it to his chest protectively. "Don't be such a miser. Share the good stuff."

  Before Olethros could light it up, a group of women approached their table. Five of them, dressed for a night out in short dresses and high heels, makeup done perfectly. They'd clearly been building up courage for the last half hour, and now they were giggling and blushing as they got closer.

  The boldest one, a blonde nordic beauty in a red dress, stepped forward with what she probably thought was a seductive smile. "Hey there, handsomes, wanna party with us? We'll show you a good time." She winked at Edward and Lucifer.

  Olethros, oblivious, chuckled good-naturedly and replied. "Sorry lass, we are just trying to relax and catch up with old friends. Maybe another night."

  The girl's expression shifted from flirtatious to annoyed. She looked at Olethros with barely concealed disdain. "I was talking to your friends."

  Silence fell over the booth.

  Then both Edward and Lucifer burst out laughing—real, genuine belly laughs that made nearby patrons turn to look.

  Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  "Ahahaha! He thought they were asking him!" Edward managed between laughs.

  "Olethros has become the refrigerator guarding the desserts!" Lucifer added, tears forming in his eyes from laughing so hard.

  The girls were now staring at Edward and Lucifer with even more interest, their eyes going dreamy as they watched these two impossibly attractive men laugh together. The fact that they were laughing at their friend somehow made them even more attractive.

  Olethros's face went actually red like his hair, which was impressive for an Endless. He glared at his supposed friends. "You two are perfect for each other! You both are evil!"

  Then a devious smirk appeared on his face. Revenge time.

  He turned to the girls with an exaggerated sympathetic expression. "Sorry ladies, as you can see, they are gay and love each other very much. They're actually celebrating their anniversary tonight."

  Edward and Lucifer stopped laughing immediately.

  The girls' eyes went even wider, but instead of disappointment, they looked even more excited. They started whispering to each other, glancing at Edward and Lucifer with expressions that suggested they were already writing detailed fantasies in their heads.

  "Oh my god, they're so cute together," one whispered.

  "The curly blond one is definitely the top," another said.

  "I don't know, the other one has that dangerous vibe..."

  They hurried away, still glancing back and giggling, already pulling out their phones, probably to write fanfiction or tell their friends about the gorgeous gay couple they'd just seen.

  Edward stood up so fast he nearly knocked over his drink. "Fuck you, man! I have four wives and kids! I'm straighter than a lamppost!"

  Lucifer glared at Olethros with genuine offense. "I might enjoy the occasional trysts with both genders, but I am happily with a woman now!"

  He paused, a thoughtful expression crossing his face as he looked at Edward. "Actually, now that you think about it, Edward is my type..."

  Edward jumped back immediately, holding up his hands. "No homo, bro! And seriously, fuck you, Olethros!"

  Mazikeen, who'd been watching the entire exchange from the bar, chuckled and called out. "You declared your intention to fuck him right after you said you don't swing that way."

  She shook her head with exaggerated pity. "No wonder I didn't catch your eye. You were saving yourself for Lucifer all along."

  Edward spluttered, his face actually reddening slightly. "No! I don't mean it like that! I'm a hundred percent into women! Only women!"

  He glared at Lucifer and Olethros, who were both still laughing at his expense. "Just fucking light the blunt so I can forget the last couple minutes of my life."

  Olethros, still grinning at his successful revenge, pulled out an ornate lighter and lit up the divine blunt. He took a long, slow drag, his eyes closing in appreciation as the divine cannabis filled his lungs.

  When he exhaled, the smoke shimmered with golden light, smelling like honey and flowers and something indefinable that made everyone nearby feel peaceful.

  "Ahhh, this is the good stuff," he said with deep satisfaction. "Who would have thought heaven would have the best cannabis." He passed it to Lucifer.

  Lucifer took it with reverence, inhaling deeply. The Devil smoking holy weed, there was probably a joke in there somewhere. "I'm gonna try to grow a demonic version in Hell," he mused, exhaling smoke that turned red and gold.

  "Seriously Edward, even I never thought about raiding Heaven's gardens. Next time, try and see if you can find some cocaine in the Garden of Eden. I'm curious if divine coca plants would work differently."

  Edward's eyes widened as he took the blunt from Lucifer. "I didn't even think about that! I'm definitely asking Joshua next time I see him."

  He took a long drag, holding it before exhaling. "Although we might need to process that shit ourselves. Can't exactly ask the angels to help us make holy cocaine."

  "Why not?" Lucifer asked with a grin. "Tell them it's for medicinal purposes."

  "What medical purpose does cocaine serve?"

  "Makes you feel good. Feeling good is healthy. Therefore, medical."

  "That's the worst logic I've ever heard."

  "Says the man smoking weed grown by angels."

  Edward couldn't argue with that.

  He blew out a puff of smoke and felt the divine cannabis hit his system. It wasn't like normal weed. This was pure, clean, perfect. No paranoia, no couch-lock, just a pleasant warmth that spread through his body and made everything seem funnier and more interesting. "Ah, that hit the spot."

  The smoke drifted across the main floor of the club. Humans who caught even a whiff of the second-hand smoke started reacting.

  Some began laughing for no reason, giggling at nothing. Others got deeply philosophical, having profound conversations about the meaning of life.

  A few couples got amorous and started making out in corners, unable to keep their hands off each other. One guy stood up on his table and declared his love for everyone in the building.

  The best part? The divine cannabis actually healed any ailments they had.

  That guy with chronic back pain? Gone.

  The woman who'd been fighting off a cold? Cured.

  Someone's arthritis? Fixed.

  It was probably the healthiest second-hand smoke in existence.

  Nobody complained or tried to stop them from smoking. Edward owned the club, after all.

  He'd owned it since before the World War , back when it was a speakeasy during prohibition. The building had seen everything, revolutions planned in its booths, peace treaties negotiated over its drinks, romances that spanned decades starting at its bar.

  Now it was where some of the most powerful beings in existence came to relax.

  They hung out here regularly. Sometimes other members of the Endless would join—Desire loved the atmosphere and the beautiful people.

  Even angels like Michael or Amenadiel showed up occasionally, though they usually stuck to wine instead of whiskey. Edward had spent years working to lessen the hostility between Michael and Lucifer, playing mediator between the brothers. It had taken enormous effort and patience, but now they were at least civil. They didn't fight on sight anymore, which was progress.

  Delirium tried to sneak in sometimes, but Edward and Olethros fiercely stopped her every single time.

  "Speaking of family," Olethros said, passing the blunt back to Edward, "how's Del doing? Haven't seen her in a while."

  Edward groaned. "She tried to sneak in here last week. Disguised herself as a waitress. I caught her trying to order a martini from Mazikeen."

  "How'd you know it was her?"

  "The 'waitress' had fish swimming in her hair and kept insisting that Tuesdays were actually purple."

  Lucifer snorted. "What did you do?"

  "Took her for ice cream instead. She's still mad about the drinking ban."

  The ban existed for good reason. Delirium had trouble with alcohol tolerance, not because she got drunk easily, but because when she got drunk, reality itself suffered.

  Her already tenuous grasp on linear causality completely evaporated when she was intoxicated, and her power as one of the Endless meant her delusions became real.

  The last time she'd gotten drunk at a regular party, she'd turned all the clouds in a fifty-mile radius into marshmallows. Real, edible marshmallows. It had rained sticky white sugar for three days.

  Then she'd decided that the color blue was "too sad" and changed it to a cheerful orange for a few hours. Traffic lights had become useless as she turned them into rainbows. The ocean looked like Fanta.

  And don't even get started on what she did to the laws of physics. Gravity had become optional in certain areas, and momentum had decided to take a vacation.

  After that fiasco, the Endless had collectively agreed that Delirium was banned from drinking unless supervised by at least two of her siblings who remained sober.

  Edward, being clever, had found a loophole. "I still take her to dying worlds and get her drunk there," he admitted with a chuckle. "Worlds that are already ending; heat death scenarios, realities that are collapsing anyway. We go there, I let her drink whatever she wants, and her drunken chaos actually hastens the end by decades. Mercy killing, basically."

  "That's actually considerate," Lucifer observed.

  "She's a good kid. Just needs outlets for her chaos that won't hurt anyone." Edward smiled fondly. "It's one of the many reasons I'm her favorite big brother."

  Olethros was offended. "Hey! I'm the favorite one!"

  Edward shrugged. "You snooze you lose."

  They continued smoking and talking, the conversation drifting into increasingly random territory. Edward told the story about accidentally starting a cult in ancient Mesopotamia because people misunderstood his basic magic as divine power.

  Lucifer countered with the time he'd convinced an entire monastery that God wanted them to invent a new form of interpretive dance.

  Olethros shared the tale of how he'd once gotten into a drinking contest with the guardians of OA, and accidentally destroyed three realms in the process.

  The divine blunt made everything funnier. They were all properly high now. Even beings as powerful as they were could get stoned on angel weed. Edward was in the middle of explaining why he thought cats were proof that God had a sense of humor, suddenly there was a tremor.

  The club shook, not like an earthquake, but like reality itself had hiccupped.

  The lights flickered, and not in a normal electrical way. They flickered through colors that shouldn't exist. The music from the stage warped, playing backwards and forwards simultaneously. The people on the dance floor started moving in strange loops, repeating the same motions over and over.

  The walls began to bleed. not blood, but something else. Colors that hurt to look at. The floor cracked, but the cracks led somewhere else, showing other realities underneath. People's laughter became distorted, stretching out into sounds that should have been impossible for human throats to make.

  Lucifer sighed and snapped his fingers.

  Immediately, a bubble of normalcy expanded around their booth and the immediate area. The reality distortions stopped at an invisible barrier, keeping the chaos contained to the rest of the world.

  Inside the bubble, everything was fine. Outside, the universe was having a seizure.

  He narrowed his eyes, his expression shifting from relaxed to annoyed. "It seems one of the guys I used to admire has started something... interesting. Poor timing, though."

  Edward sat up straighter, his high evaporating as his tactical mind engaged. His eyes narrowed as he felt the nature of the power causing the distortions. It was familiar, he'd encountered it before during research into extra-dimensional entities.

  "This is fifth-dimensional power," he said, his voice sharp. "Mxyzptlk... no, wait." He concentrated, feeling the signature more carefully. The power felt wrong, corrupted, twisted in ways that the imp's usual pranks never were. "Someone else has stolen his powers and is trying to alter reality on a universal scale."

  His eyes widened with recognition and disbelief. "Oh fuck, is that Emperor Joker?"

  Olethros groaned from his seat, still holding what was left of the blunt. "Emperor who? I oughta destroy him for ruining my buzz. We were having such a good time."

  Edward shook his dizzy head, trying to clear the remaining effects of the divine cannabis. "If this guy pulls off his plans, I have to spend at least weeks to clean up the mess. Sorry bros, duty calls."

  He stood up, swaying slightly. "Whoa. The world is spinning in reverse. Or forward. Or sideways. Fuck, I'm still high."

  Lucifer stood up smoothly, looking completely sober despite having smoked just as much. One of the benefits of being the Devil, perfect control over his faculties at all times. He adjusted his suit, brushing imaginary dust off his lapels.

  "Come on, I'll help you out so we can finish it early and return to have fun." He looked at Olethros. "You coming?"

  Olethros stood up, cracking his neck. The sound echoed strangely, like reality itself was breaking. "Yeah sure, why not. Although it might be overkill if all three of us showed up. Guy probably doesn't even know what hit him."

  Edward giggled slightly, he was definitely still high. "It's a bonding experience, man. Team building exercise."

  Lucifer's expression suddenly turned serious. His eyes unfocused for a moment, seeing through time in the way that only he could, not perfectly like his father, but enough. He saw possibilities, probabilities, futures branching and converging. And in one of those futures, he saw what the Joker was planning.

  "Ehem..." Lucifer coughed, getting their attention. "I'm afraid it's not gonna be funny, Edward. It seems the clown is planning to harm your daughters."

  Olethros snapped to full attention, all traces of intoxication gone. "Oh shit!"

  The temperature in the club dropped twenty degrees in an instant.

  Edward's entire demeanor changed. The relaxed, slightly high guy joking with friends disappeared. In his place stood something else, something ancient and terrible and absolutely merciless.

  An invisible pressure erupted from him. It wasn't just power, it was killing intent so pure and focused that it made the air itself heavy.

  Windows cracked. Glasses shattered. The bottles behind the bar exploded, raining alcohol and glass. Patrons on the main floor, even inside Lucifer's protective bubble, felt it and started panicking, scrambling for exits on hands and knees because standing was impossible under that pressure.

  Edward's eyes blazed white with power so bright it hurt to look at directly. When he spoke, his voice was distorted, layered with harmonics that shouldn't exist, each word carrying the weight of absolute certainty.

  "What... did you say?"

  The marble floor beneath his feet cracked and split. The walls groaned as if the building itself was afraid. The remaining patrons who hadn't fled were frozen in place, unable to move, barely able to breathe.

  Lucifer, unfazed by the pressure, placed a hand on Edward's shoulder. "Calm down, brother. He hasn't done anything yet. I just saw the future, possible futures to be exact. Diana and Cassie are still safe. But he's making moves toward them."

  Edward's voice was a growl that resonated in everyone's bones. "I'm gonna fuck that clown up so bad that even Hell would look like a vacation to him."

  He teleported.

  The displacement of air created a thunderclap that shattered every remaining window in the club and sent tables flying. Where Edward had been standing, the floor was scorched black, melted by the sheer intensity of his power.

  Lucifer shook his head, looking at the destruction with mild regret. "Poor guy. With all that power, he just had to pull the stupidest stunt." He looked at Olethros. "Think we should tell him this might be overkill?"

  "Nah," Olethros said. "The clown threatened his kids. He deserves whatever's coming."

  Lucifer nodded in agreement. He spread his wings—beautiful, pristine white wings that had once stood in the presence of the Almighty himself, before the fall. They glowed with inner light, each feather perfect and terrible to behold.

  He vanished in a burst of light so bright it burned afterimages into everyone's vision.

  Olethros looked around at the destroyed club, then chugged the remaining drink in his glass. "So much for a relaxing evening."

  He cracked his knuckles. Reality around him began to fray at the edges as his aspect of Destruction manifested. The walls of the club started to age rapidly, paint peeling, wood rotting, metal rusting. Not destructive in a violent way, but the natural entropy that came to all things, accelerated to impossible speeds.

  "Better go make sure they don't destroy the universe, they are high." he muttered, and disappeared in a ripple of collapsing space.

  Mazikeen walked out from behind the ruined bar, stepping over broken glass and spilled alcohol. She surveyed the damage, then looked at the few remaining patrons who were still conscious.

  "Club's closed people," she announced. "Someone's about to have a very bad day."

  ****

  Meanwhile, in the Watchtower, Emperor Joker had just finished explaining his grand plan to the assembled Justice League.

  He stood in his impossible throne room that had manifested inside the Watchtower like a tumor growing on healthy tissue.

  The heroes were arrayed before him—Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, Aquaman, Shazam, Cyborg, and others.

  All of them tense, ready for battle, knowing they were facing something beyond their usual threats.

  "—and THAT'S when Batman finally breaks!" Emperor Joker was saying, his voice echoing across dimensions. "When he realizes that his precious code was meaningless all along! When he sees that—"

  He stopped. His perpetual smile faltered.

  Something was coming. Three somethings. Powers that made even his stolen fifth-dimensional abilities seem insignificant. His cosmic awareness, his ability to perceive all of reality at once, showed him what was approaching.

  And for the first time since gaining near-omnipotence, Emperor Joker felt something he hadn't felt in a very long time.

  Fear.

  "Oh shit," he said quietly. "Oh, that's not fair at all!"

  Batman noticed immediately. "What's wrong Joker?"

  Emperor Joker's smile returned, but it was forced now, manic in a different way—the laughter of someone who'd just realized they'd made a terrible mistake. "Nothing! Nothing at all! Just... just realized I might have made a teensy tiny miscalculation in my brilliant plan! Anyways, gotta bounce! Toodles!"

  But before he could escape, the walls of the Watchtower shuddered. Reality twisted around them.

  Three presences appeared simultaneously, not flying through space, not even running. They simply decided they should be there, and so they were.

  Edward stood in the center, his eyes still blazing white with power that made the air shimmer around him. His killing intent was so focused, so absolute, that several League members actually took involuntary steps backward.

  Beside him, Lucifer Morningstar had his wings fully extended. Two wings of pure white light that hurt to look at directly. He radiated the power of Creation itself, the authority of the Lightbringer who had once stood as God's favorite.

  On Edward's other side, Olethros manifested as the embodiment of Destruction. Reality crumbled and reformed around him in an endless cycle, entropy given form and purpose.

  The Justice League stared in shock.

  Batman's eyes widened slightly, which for him was equivalent to someone else fainting.

  Superman felt his invulnerability suddenly seem very inadequate.

  Diana recognized Lucifer from her fathers stories, and nearly dropped her sword. But she calmed down and siled as she saw her father standing there beside him.

  "Joker is so screwed." She muttered

  Emperor Joker stared at the three of them in absolute horror.

  Edward's voice was cold as the void between stars, each word precise and carrying the promise of violence. "You threatened my daughters."

  Emperor Joker tried to laugh, but it came out strangled, forced. "I... I have infinite power! I reshaped the universe! I'm Emperor Joker! I can rewrite reality with a thought!"

  Lucifer smiled.

  It wasn't a nice smile. It was the smile of the Devil who had once challenged God Himself. The smile of someone who knew exactly how this was going to end.

  "That's cute," Lucifer said, his voice dripping with condescension. "Edward, would you like me to handle this, or would you prefer to do it yourself?"

  Olethros cracked his knuckles, and the sound echoed like breaking universes. "I vote we all take turns. Make it last a while."

  Emperor Joker looked between the three of them and realized something that made even his twisted, reality-warped mind recoil in terror.

  He had fucked up.

  Really, truly, catastrophically fucked up.

  "That's cheating!" he complained weakly, his voice actually trembling.

  Edward took a step forward. Each footfall cracked the floor beneath him. "You hurt Martha Kent. You carved her face like she was one of your victims. You turned the innocent boy Dick Grayson into a weapon. You poisoned a pregnant woman, trying to kill her and her child. And most importantly, " His voice dropped few octaves, " You planned to hurt my daughters."

  Each word dropped like a hammer blow. "Cheating is the least of your problems, clown. Just because I ignored your tantrums and left Bruce to deal with you, doesn't mean I won't act."

  Emperor Joker tried to use his reality-warping power. Tried to reshape existence, to erase them, to flee to another dimension, to rewrite the very concept of their existence out of reality.

  Nothing happened.

  Lucifer waggled his finger, almost playfully. "Ah ah ah. I'm the Lightbringer. The Morningstar. The one who rebelled against the Presence Himself. Your stolen fifth-dimensional power?"

  He snapped his fingers, and Emperor Joker felt his cosmic awareness shatter like glass, his connection to Mxyzptlk's stolen power severing. "It's nothing compared to what I am. I was there at the beginning. I saw the first light. Your power is a candle to my sun."

  Barry whispered in fear. "Did he just say he is..the freakin DEVIL!"

  Lucifer flashed him a charming smile. "Guilty as charged. Want a quick trip to hell? It's lovely this time of the year."

  Barry shook his head rapidly. "Uhh, I respectfully decline.. Sir. I go to church on Sundays. Maybe I should start going there more."

  Lucifer smirked. "You do realize they are even more corrupt and devilish than I am? I am atleast goodlooking. But if you prefer old wrinkly men, that's your loss."

  Olethros gestured casually. The throne room Emperor Joker had created began to crumble. Its very existence was being unmade, unraveled, destroyed at the fundamental level. "And I'm Destruction. I end things. That's what I do. Including you."

  Emperor Joker's smile was completely gone now. His makeup ran with sweat. His hands were actually shaking.

  The Justice League watched in stunned silence as three of the most powerful beings in existence prepared to utterly annihilate the Clown Prince of Crime.

  Superman, standing next to Batman, leaned over slightly and whispered. "Should we... do something?"

  Bruce, for once, had no idea what to say. "I... don't think we can."

  Diana, who understood divine power, shook her head. "We shouldn't. That's Fatther in his angry mode, even I don't mess around when he gets pissed. And those are..." she swallowed. "Those are beings we cannot interfere with."

  She shuddered remembering how she got spanked when her father got angry after she broke his favorite collection of relics. This was far worse.

  Emperor Joker looked at the three approaching figures and did something he had never done in his entire existence. He started to genuinely panic.

  "Wait!" he said, holding up his hands. "Wait, we can talk about this! I was just joking! Get it? Joking? I'm the Joker! It's what I do!"

  Edward stared unamused. "Do you see me laughing, punk?"

  Joker swallowed audibly. "Uhhh....Wanna hear another joke?"

  Lucifer shook his head. "How about we show you what a true joke is?"

  Joker stepped back chuckling nervously. "It was a prank !" He tried to conjure a camera, "Look, there are cameras!"

  Nobody was laughing.