Tama

  I wanted to die, to never get up. When I lost my sensei. There was pain, but I still had someone. I had Saki, and she kept me sane. But now she is gone… All she had to do was apologize. I couldn’t let her insult sensei like that. To ruin his legacy was a sin among sins!

  He had taken me in when I had nothing and trained me to be the best version of me I could be. I would never stand for him to be attacked like that. Not from anyone… Not even her.

  I sobbed uncontrollably as the fish burned. I didn’t care anymore. Food was worthless to me, life was worthless. Anna tried to connect to me again and I ejected her. She had been trying for the last hour. I didn’t care.

  Tristy asked me if I required anything from her or something like that. I ignored her and she went away.

  Time had no end and no beginning. I just lay here, awaiting my death. Praying it would come soon so I didn’t have to exist anymore with sensei and without Saki.

  Then I heard a shout, it was Tristy. “What are you doing here traitor!” I sat bolt upright and looked over to see Saki standing at the edge of the camp. She looked teary eyed and like she had been crying. She walked over and sat down on her bedroll.

  She didn’t make eye contact and just looked away from me. Silence filled the camp, aside from Tristy who kept throwing death threats at Saki. We both ignored her, the threats were just that. Threats, I knew Saki would win that fight and so did Saki. We proved that earlier.

  Time seemed to pass indefinitely until Saki spoke, she was quiet and barely a whisper. But I heard her loud and clear. “I’m sorry Tama.”

  That was it, and she pulled her knees into herself, wrapping her arms and tail around them and putting her face into them. Nothing more was said.

  After a moment I said “Tama is… I am sorry Saki.” My voice is quiet , but loud enough for her to hear it. There was no response.

  Tristy set herself on fire and launched herself at Saki. Saki made no move to block or defend. I grabbed Tristy right before she could make contact and looked at Anna. Anna rushed into Tristy’s body and possessed her.

  Tristy said nothing, her body jerked as she was taken over. Then she simply stood, bowed, and walked over next to the wall that had become ash. She sat down and closed her eyes, unmoving.

  “Your sensei was a great man Tama.” Saki finally said, her voice shaking slightly as she spoke. “I will never deny that! He was a hero of the people and a legendary ninja ! ”

  I swallowed but said nothing. After a moment, Saki continued “I know you have fond memories, I understand he took you in when you lost everything. I even understand you loved him like a father.”

  I winced at that but still said nothing. Saki once again continued, as she did she made eye contact. “But don’t ever expect me to look at you Tama, and not see a broken person. Someone who has been so savagely beaten within an inch of her life her entire life and say what he did was right.”

  I pursed my lips, but I said nothing. I had nothing to say. Was Saki right? She continued as my thoughts swirled. “Tama, you use your name instead of I when you speak. Most of your species does that until they are twelve years old. You are sixteen. Nekojin who enter adulthood still speaking in third person all have one thing in common. Their childhood was traumatic. Not just one event, not two events, Tama. All of them. A Nekojin has to have a horrible devastating childhood to stick to using their name like that.”

  I clenched my fists and my teeth, I wanted to argue and so I did. “Sensei was everything to Tama, Saki ! He took her in, he made her who she is today!” My ears flattened and my vision blurred with tears.

  “I know, ” Saki said quietly. Silence followed and after a moment, she continued. “You can kill me if you want Tama, I won’t stop you. I won’t even resist. But, know I say this because I care.” Saki looked deeply into my eyes and said quietly “Break the cycle”

  I fell to my knees and punched the dirt. “Sensei taught Tama… me everything Tama… I know Saki!” I snapped angrily. Saki was calm and nodded “And he did teach you a great many wise and important things Tama. I even agree his training was extremely effective.”

  “Then why are you…” I started to say but Saki cut me off. “Because this isn’t about that.” She said,

  Silence once again filled the camp and I felt like I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.

  Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.

  Saki continued quietly again. “Tama, Answer me this one question. Do you truly want Tristy to go through what you went through? If you ignore the skill gain and the fact he took you in. Would you willingly want to put anyone through what you went through?”

  I was speechless, Sensei’s training was the best, it taught so much it made me strong… Even as I thought. M emories flowed through my mind. A child in a goblin cage, a dragon throwing me from the sky.. waking up naked in the forest alone again and again and again. I winced.

  Saki was right… Saki was always right..and for the first time in my life, I hated it. I hated every word she spoke, every movement she made. I hated her for it. I slowly stood and looked down at Saki. She looked back at me, then she closed her eyes and looked back down.

  My dagger stopped an inch from her neck. She didn’t flinch. I dropped the dagger and stumbled back. My teeth clenched, my heart hurt so much.

  Saki did not move, she did not open her eyes. She sat there almost peacefully. I wanted to stab her. To scream at her, to make her move.. to do something. But she sat there peacefully and I screamed.

  Saki did not respond and I turned, blinking away from the camp, away from everything.

  I stared blankly into the water and saw myself, but the image was distorted. Everything I was, was no more. I smacked the water and looked away.

  In front of me was sensei, calm as ever, a grim smile on his face. “Why!” I cried to him, my voice young and full of grief.

  He didn’t say anything at first, but when he did speak he spoke quietly. “Little one, do you know why I push you the way I do?”

  I shook my head, tears in my eyes. He leaned in and gently wiped my tears away. “Because it’s what is needed. You do not deserve this, no one does. But you are meant for great things, and if you don’t get strong now, you will fail.”

  “But why!” I cried out in pain. My rage as I swung and hit a wall, the wall crumbled into dust the moment I made contact. Sensei merely smiled at me. A sad smile, one full of regret and pain.

  “Someday, you will meet someone Tama, they will be there for you through everything. Cherish them”

  “I only need my sensei!” The memory of me spoke. Even as I looked down at myself. I was covered in cuts and bruises. My right eye was forced shut and I had stab wounds all over me. I was smiling at my sensei. For a moment, an image overlaid me and I saw Tristy in the same position and I winced.

  “One day, you will understand why I did what I did. But I pray when the time comes you will also understand why you must never do this to another.” He said quietly. I fell to my knees and began to sob as the memory faded.

  When I got back to the camp it was quiet. Tristy still sat there with her eyes closed, but Anna now sat next to her in her human form.

  Saki was still sitting in the same place. She looked like she hadn’t moved or even shifted at all. Dried tears were on her cheeks and she was staring at the ground blankly.

  I walked over to Tristy and tapped on her shoulder. She opened her eyes and looked up at me. She went to bow but I grabbed her before she could. “Pack up the supplies and find Paige. We are leaving.” With that I turned and walked over to my bedroll and began to roll it up.

  Slowly, Tristy stood and walked over to begin packing. Anna attached to me, I felt her go through my memories as she shifted into my gi. She sent a healing wave over me to comfort me. It didn’t help and I froze for a moment to take a deep breath before continuing.

  “um, Mistress Tama…” Tristy’s voice broke the silence and I turned to face the direction she spoke from. She was standing by a wall on the far end of camp, she looked pale.

  I walked over to her, not feeling like blinking. As I reached her she pointed behind the wall and I looked. I wished I hadn’t. I turned to Tristy and said “Burn her to ashes and finish packing.”

  I turned and walked over to the now dead blue fire and looked at the now charcoal fish. I stared at it for a long time. I knew what I had to do next, and I knew the longer I delayed the worst it would be. Yet still I stood there, unmoving, unwilling.

  It was made worse by the memory of Paige behind that wall. Turns out, she had chosen the mercy route for herself. I didn’t blame her, after everything. She hated me, and after seeing what I was capable of… It made sense.

  I held back the tears, they would only blind me. Instead, I took a few more deep breaths and turned to Saki. She had not moved an inch, but when I looked at her, she shifted slightly and our eyes met.

  For a moment we looked into each other's eyes. Then I was hugging her, squeezing tightly and never letting go. I felt her arms wrap around me and we sobbed into each other. No words were spoken, no words needed to be spoken.

  “Tama hates this place so much” I said between wracking sobs.

  Saki just nodded as she sniffled. She gently pushed me away and stood up before looking me in the eyes again. “Then lets get out of here”

  I smiled at her as I sniffled as well. “Thank you Saki, for everything”