When I walked in the next day to see Stupid standing in front of Aisle Three…I should have known to call off sick.
“Today,” Stupid announced with her tiny hands on her hips and a pair of oversized goggles strapped to her forehead, “you learn real store work.”
A box labeled DO NOT KICK rattled beside her.
She turned and proceeded to kick it.
I stared at the crate.
Then at Stupid.
She smiled. “It eez ok! Stupid is the Assistant to the Assistant Manager. She knows about these things!”
I sighed.
“Stupid…who is the Assistant Manager?”
“We don’t haz one!” She beamed. “Boss says it leads to mutton eats!”
“…Mutiny, Stupid?”
She gasped.
“YETH! That is the word! Oh Beeg!” She stared up at me with adoration, “You are the Beegist, Ugliest, Smartest Beeg ever!”
It took a second to process that one. Even the box stopped rattling.
“…Thanks,” I said dryly.
“Now!” she shouted, “Listen up!”
Honestly, it was kind of hard not to.
Then she sneezed and flash-banged me.
I stood there, dazed.
Waiting patiently for the pink fog to clear.
When it did, she was standing beside an easel, holding a clipboard and wearing a look of grim authority.
The diagram was labeled: CURZES.
“The first thing!” she began, voice deadly serious. “Curses are very, very safe.”
She nodded sagely.
…What?
Oh right.
*Safety.
“But!” she continued, rapping the board with a stick she hadn’t been holding a moment ago, “They can make you lose fingers, toes, or even make you disappear!”
This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.
She gasped dramatically.
“But Boss says as long as we put Safety First…”—another dramatic nod—“eez all okay!”
I nodded tiredly. “So cursed things make us lots of money. Got it. Any tips for actually handling cursed things?”
“Beeg!” Stupid whined sadly, “Stupid was doing that next!”
“Yea, hush Beeg” It grunted beside me.
I flinched hard—at least a goblin’s fling-worth. It wasn’t just sitting beside me, he was watching the whole thing with a bowl of popcorn.
I hadn't even noticed him arrive.
The next diagram was titled: “The Most Bestest Way of Handling Cursed Things”.
“The best way,” Stupid continued seriously - which was almost adorable, “Is to ask maggeeeeek store to EATZ THEM!” She clapped.
“OHH MAGGEEEEEK STOOOOREEEEE!” She shrieked.
The store promptly opened a hole in the floor and ate the rattling box.
I’m pretty sure I heard it screaming as it fell.
I stared at Stupid.
Scratch the adorable part. She was terrifying.
“…Stupid….how do we sell them?”
She looked at me blankly.
“Stupid doesn’t know - night shift does that!”
I sighed.
“I bet that leads to a lot of complaints from the night crew” I whispered to myself.
“You have no idea” It cackled beside me, finishing off his bucket of popcorn and wandering off.
——
It didn’t actually get better after that.
Stupid proceeded to walk me up and down a few of the aisles, pointing out items she thought might have been cursed.
Which usually meant they weren’t pink.
Or trying to kill her. Since apparently Workman’s Comp wasn’t cursed.
No. It was a “pet”.
I made sure to continue my dusting.
Quietly.
Respectfully.
After all, the store hadn’t eaten me yet.
The whispering robes on Aisle Two were just as horrible as ever.
Calling my guide “Stupid” and “Annoying” and trying to shoo her out of the aisle.
There was certainly no correlation whatsoever between me and the robes.
Nope.
None.
Also, it just sounded so mean when they said it.
I made sure to dust Aisle Two extra carefully.
It was probably cleaner than it had been in years.
Whoops.
She might’ve been… well, her whole package. But she was my Stupid. And that counted for something.
I was ok with looking out for my own.
“Beeg!” Stupid cried out as we were almost out of Aisle Two.
“You clean too much! You are a walking Lying Billy Hazard!”
Both robes stopped whispering after that.
My smile as I left the dimly lit aisle probably fit in with the rest of the workers here.
And I was ok with that.
Also we do have a !
