Stupid sneezed hard enough to blow a hole out of the library and into one of the store walls, which we promptly walked through like it was the most normal thing in the world.

  I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn’t normal, that I walked among a group of people that were unique even amongst the special of the world.

  I slumped slightly and side-eyed the book tucked safely under Its arms.

  Was it so much to ask? To be one of them, instead of some rescue project?

  We were greeted with the sound of screeching that could only belong to an irate customer. An irate customer receiving the full Vaarg treatment.

  The woman was so agitated she didn’t even notice the eldritch portal that had been sneezed into existence behind her, and was now closing with a faint pop.

  I paused and stared at her, my jaw dropping to the floor.

  “You! YOUUUUU!!!!” She screeched at Vaarg, who was doing as Vaarg did, steadfastly ignoring her and contentedly sipping his goo while perusing his clipboard.

  “YOU ABDUCTED ME!” The woman screeched.

  I watched, slack jawed, as the Receipt Lady resurfaced from the realm of the lost. I had no idea what her name was — it was unimportant anyway, but I knew she was insane to have returned to this place.

  It seemed to agree. “I thought she died,” he monotoned out the side of his mouth.

  Stupid and I sagely nodded.

  “Why would I go through the effort to abduct you if I was just going to release you,” Vaarg sighed, setting his mug down.

  The Lady drew up short, her mouth forming a small ‘O’—which she used immediately to suck in more air.

  Vaarg cut her off.

  “You are annoying and stupid,” he snapped, which worked fabulously to deflate her and close her mouth.

  The three of us smirked.

  “Think, please,” Vaarg sighed. “Had I wanted you gone, you would now be a steeply discounted cursed jar on one of my shelves.”

  He rolled his eyes and mumbled, more to himself than anyone else: “And yet, here you are.”

  He huffed and returned to his goo and clipboard.

  The Lady prepared her pipes once more.

  “Oh good, you made it,” Vaarg exclaimed, examining me with one eye over his clipboard. “The store was getting cranky with you gone!”

  I would have thought his happiness to see me was faked, except I was certain Vaarg didn’t care enough about anyone to go through the effort.

  Which made me wonder just what exactly what he meant by the store getting cranky.

  The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  “He will be more than happy to assist you,” Vaarg smiled from behind his clipboard, pointing a warty finger in my direction. I couldn’t see his smile, but I just knew it was there.

  I narrowed my eyes accordingly.

  “The store likes him a whole lot more than it likes me. So, don’t annoy him too badly, or it will most likely eat you. Then you really will be gone.” He stopped to think for a moment.

  “On second thought, please — do annoy him,” he finished, shooing her way.

  With that he slipped completely behind his clipboard.

  The Lady stamped her foot — which I found to be ridiculously childish, even if I did understand. Vaarg had that effect on people — rounded on me, obviously intent on taking her aggression out somewhere.

  That somewhere being me.

  I plastered a grimaced smile on my face. “Can I help you?”

  The Lady unleashed a tirade. It involved many things, such as fungus, toenails and my general uselessness to the universe at large. I fixed the smile to my face and turned my thoughts elsewhere.

  I had mixed feelings about Vaarg being back. Which mostly meant I hated him… but I had questions.

  It was a rather unpleasant feeling. I was hoping I might have a moment to speak with him before the shift change —

  “ — YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!” The gasbag shrieked into my face.

  “Hmm?” I asked. Stupid giggled and It snorted beside me.

  “WHY!—“

  “Did you want something, Ma’am?” I asked politely, with a smile still on my face.

  “Yes, I want to file a grievance,” she responded, with great emphasis.

  As if that was supposed to mean something. I started to roll my eyes before catching myself.

  “So… you didn’t even come here for anything?” I sighed. “Like, not even for a return or anything… just to complain?”

  “I have every right!” She shrieked.

  Frankly, her voice was really starting to get irritating. I could tell the store agreed, as the lights were quite a bit dimmer than usual. I could barely see her at this point, but she kept bellowing.

  “Look, Lady,” I said, pointing at Stupid, then at It.

  “She literally sneezes eldritch holes in reality at will. And he knows literally everything. I have seen him reduce the elite of Uptown to groveling piles of nonsense.”

  Its grin was positively feral in the near darkness.

  The Lady stumbled slightly as her stiletto caught in the floor.

  “And that horrible creature wasn’t kidding about the cursed jar… or the discount,” I exhaled, ready to be done so I could clean Aisle 3 and then pick Vaarg’s brain. “And you literally came back here just to whine.”

  I studied her for a moment. “Have you no sense of self-preservation?” I finished, genuinely intrigued at what might possess someone to be so dumb, while also smiling at my wording. It would be proud. Also, maybe she actually was possessed —

  “ — And Beeg eez the greatest Cleaning Warlock Ever! He can makes the store eetz you if he wants!” Stupid shrieked.

  As if to back up the point, the store opened a hole right next to the lady, who promptly dropped her handbag and sprinted to the door screaming.

  Said door did not open when she ran into it, as she proceeded to slither to the ground, unconscious.

  The store then opened the door and spit her out.

  I snorted. I guess he really was more annoyed with her than I realized.

  Stupid squeezed my leg and scampered off. It side-eyed me while hugging the book possessively. I nodded. He could read it while I cleaned - but I would have it later.

  I didn’t miss the small smile on his face as he scampered away.

  I gave a gentle pat to the nearest shelf to let the store know I was grateful, who then responded by granting a little more light and closing the hole.

  “Thanks buddy,” I whispered as an incredulous eyebrow belonging to Vaarg inched its way over the top of the clipboard, followed by his eye.

  I heard the rustling snicker of one of the cloaks — but had the good sense to pretend I didn’t.

  The store creaked back happily.