“I’m not…” North retreated away from me, ducking behind South.

  “BAD VEGETABLE! VERY BAD! EMPEROR ALREADY HAS MAXIMUM FEMALES! QUOTA EXCEEDED!” Shady growled.

  “Right then.” South looked at me past the bothered Wendigo and then at her sister. "Our family owns the Cascade Hotel. We have private rooms there with extra clothes and skin makeup. Also, I can order our human employees to spray this stuff on themselves and around town.”

  "Good idea," I said quickly. "I need to change my clothes anyways.”

  "MUSHROOM STOP THINKING ABOUT ASHY CHANGING CLOTHES!" Shady growled at North.

  "I wasn't!" North protested.

  "YOUR SQUARE BRAIN JUST PICTURED IT!"

  "I did not!”

  “LIAR!”

  Kawathra shook her head and wiped her face, getting back to the controls. The Corpse Seeker shot through the forest toward town.

  North pressed herself against the couch on the far wall while Shady kept shooting her suspicious looks. South directed the magpie to the hotel.

  Shady hugged me possessively, pulling me onto her lap. Nexxali sat beside us, still giggling.

  "Dastardly vegetable! Think about boring things!" Shady commanded at North. "Like... like math!"

  “Fine!” The vampire girl huffed.

  "Hey, no! You just calculated how many feet away you are from him! That's romantic math!" Shady hissed.

  “It's not!” North covered her face with her hands, looking thoroughly embarrassed.

  The Cascade Hotel quickly came into view, a four story Art Deco beauty. A few cars sat in the parking lot, and through the front windows I spotted a bellhop helping an elderly couple with luggage.

  "Back entrance," South directed. "Employee section."

  Kawathra made the invisible centipede-tank move around the hotel, expertly avoiding traffic.

  I looked at Shady. "We need to make Shades look like the lost commander before we go out."

  "On it!" Kawathra declared.

  "Corpse Seeker Kappa," the magpie ordered, "produce a cosmetic modification toolkit!"

  Multiple crystalline arms extended from the walls, each tipped with different tools.

  "Hold still, Princess," Kawathra said, pulling up a holographic image of the missing commander. "This might tickle."

  "TICKLE CIRCLE!" Shady announced, then immediately started squirming as the arms began their work on her black mane. “Going to hurt?”

  One arm carefully traced a line across Shady's right eye, leaving behind a convincing silver scar that looked decades old. Another began adding red spots to her black feathers - on her head, along her arms, and trailing down to her tail.

  "Don’t worry, my Lady. The modifications are purely cosmetic," Kawathra assured, watching her screens. "The scar is a polymer overlay, the red spots are harmless pigmentation, and the antler lengthening is another polymer addition, just enough to match Xandria's profile. A few cosmetic layers will adjust your skull’s profile too."

  After ten minutes of work, the arms retracted. Shady stood up, looking entirely like a different Wendigo. The scars gave her a battle-hardened appearance, the red feather eyes broke up her silhouette, and the sharper antlers made her seem more aggressive.

  "Perfect!" Kawathra declared. "You could fool anyone who hasn't met Commander Xandria personally. Now for the final piece! Your outfit!”

  She tapped a ring on the wall and a new, Shady-sized hexasuit began to bloom inside the wall’s 3D printer.

  "Princess is mysterious circle?" Shady asked, attempting what I assumed was meant to be a mysterious pose but looked more like she was trying to remember if she'd left the stove on.

  "Very mysterious," I agreed. “Remember, when we go out with you looking like this—you’re Commander Xandria!”

  She cleared her throat and spoke in my voice. "Greetings. I am Commander Xandria. I enjoy... war. And conquest. And not throwing Emperors in lakes."

  "Maybe work on that last part," Nexxali suggested. “And don't use Ash’s voice.”

  "Is important detail!" Shady protested. "Real Xandria probably throws many people in lakes! She looks mean!"

  "Actually," Kawathra pulled up another chart, "Commander Xandria's record suggests she preferred throwing enemies into active volcanoes. I'll play her voice for you to copy.”

  "SEE?" Shady beamed, elbowing me. "Lake throwing is MILD! Shady gentle girlfriend!"

  Everyone stared at her, not believing her for one second.

  "GENTLE!" she insisted, then grabbed me, smooshing me. "See? No bone crushing! Only mild squishing!"

  Her silver eyes were inches from mine. "Right,” I smiled. “Very gentle squishing."

  She preened at the praise, then immediately licked my entire face with her huge tongue.

  "SHADY!" I sputtered.

  "Marking! Very important!" She clarified, sending a glare at North. "Now dastardly mushroom will know Emperor mine!"

  The newly minted hexasuit was finished. Kawathra helped Shady dress in it. It was sleek, black and featured armor plates with silver accents.

  "FANCY HEXAGON DRESS!" Shady spun, admiring herself. "Princess official Commander now!"

  “No Princess,” I said firmly, catching her silver eyes. “Just commander. Also, when we're around others, call me Ash. Just Ash. Not Emperor, just Ash."

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  She pouted. "But Emperor is a cute penguin circle."

  "Ash," I repeated. "This is VERY important, Shades. Can you do that for me?"

  She considered my words, searching my serious expression. "Ash. Ash. Ash. Yes, Princess, err Commander X can say Ash only, yes! For safety circles!" She saluted me.

  I changed out of the Emperor outfit back into my lake-washed clothes. We exited Seeker Kappa and slipped in through a service door, unlocked by South tapping at a keypad. A young man in a hotel uniform looked up from his clipboard, then immediately straightened.

  "Miss South! Miss North! Am I glad to see you!” He declared. “Your parents haven’t answered their phones since this morning and Mount Olympus is on fire! Is your family’s farmstead okay? I …”

  South's teenage face rapidly shifted into theatrical grief. "No. There was an accident at our family farm, Derek. The... the alien military was hunting some dangerous alien creatures in the area. Our farmstead got caught in the crossfire. Mom, Dad, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and our cousins… They're all gone." She sniffed.

  Derek's clipboard clattered to the floor. "Oh my God. Miss South, I'm so sorry."

  "Collateral damage," North added. "Wrong place, wrong time. The aliens were after some crystalloid monsters that had been hiding deeper in the valley. Our farm just... happened to be within the blast radius."

  “Do you—” Derek began.

  "We need to use room 404," North cut in, taking up the mantle of the adult. "And Derek? I need you to handle things here. Let management know North and I are the only surviving family members. We'll need time to process the estate paperwork."

  "Of course, of course." Derek fumbled for the master keyring. "Should I call the police? The fire department?"

  "They're already aware," North said softly. "We just... we need some privacy right now."

  Derek stepped forward and handed over the key, then noticed the rest of our quirky group for the first time concealed halfway around the corner: me in my slightly damp clothes, Shady towering behind me, Nexxali and Kawathra flanking us. His eyes widened.

  "These are specialists from the Frontenachii Colonial Authority," South said, gesturing to our group. "Insurance assessors and compensation negotiators!"

  Nexxali stepped forward with an authoritative feline grin, "Marshal Insurance Adjuster Nexxali Everrim, Frontenachii Reparations Division. We're here to assess damages and negotiate compensation terms for the accidental destruction of this human family's holdings."

  Derek stared at the serval. "The aliens have insurance adjusters?"

  "Standard protocol when civilian assets are compromised during military operations," Nexxali said smoothly. "The Frontenachii Colonial Authority takes property damage very seriously."

  Derek looked extremely overwhelmed. "I... okay. Should I have housekeeping prepare extra rooms for your... insurance team, Miss North?"

  "That won't be necessary," North said, "Derek? I need you to do something important." She pulled out one of the crystalloid spray bottles Kawathra made. "The Frontenachii gave us this—it’s protective aerosol against crystalloid contamination. After finding a crystalloid nest on this planet, they want to make sure no one gets infected by their spores."

  "Alien spores?" Derek looked at the bottle with alarm.

  "From the crystalloids they destroyed," North explained, producing several more bottles. "The explosion… spread their essence for miles. This neutralizes it, makes it harmless. All the hotels in the contamination zone are required to use it."

  "SAFETY PROTOCOL CIRCLES!" Shady announced, trying to sound official. "Frontenachii Colonial Authority demands maximum protection for valuable human assets! No vampirification without proper permits!"

  Derek stared at her seven-foot frame and antlers. "You're with the insurance team too?"

  "Senior... Grief... Assessment... Specialist," Shady said slowly, clearly making it up as she went. "Very specialized in... in grief circles and compensation squares!"

  "The Frontenachii have unique approaches to trauma counseling," I added. "Cultural differences."

  Derek looked between us all, then at the bottles. "So this is... mandatory?"

  "For your safety, yes," Nexxali said, "According to Frontenachii Colonial Regulation 445-B, all structures within a five-kilometer radius of a crystalloid termination event must undergo protective treatment. Failure to comply could result in..." she paused dramatically, "decontamination fees."

  "Decontamination fees?" Derek grabbed the bottle quickly. "How much?"

  "Forty-seven thousand dollars per infected individual," Kawathra said, pulling up a spreadsheet with spooky numbers. "Plus medical conversion reversal costs, temporary housing during decrystallization, and hiring counselor multipliers."

  Derek immediately sprayed himself liberally with the glittering mist. "It smells like... minerals?"

  "Premium protective minerals," Kawathra corrected. "With syntropic enhancement properties! Guaranteed to prevent vampire infection for up to six months! Make sure to spray your entire family with it!"

  "Right." Derek pocketed the offered bottles. "I'll make sure everyone uses it. Should I add it to the complimentary toiletries in guest rooms?"

  "Excellent initiative," South agreed. "The Frontenachii appreciate proactive safety compliance. Make sure to spray all visitor luggage with it."

  "Of course, Miss South."

  As we headed for the stairwell, Derek called out, "Miss South? Miss North? I really am sorry about your family. At least the aliens are taking responsibility for the accident."

  “Derek. You will think that North’s surviving grandfather gave you these anti-crystalloid bottles this morning,” Nexxali added in a resonant, magic-compelling voice. “You will spray these bottles on all luggages and on everyone you meet, avoiding notice. We were never here. You will erase any recordings of us from your video cameras too.”

  “Understood,” Derek said, eyes glassing over.

  Nexxali grinned. “Off you go then.”

  We went up the lavish gold and black panel stairwell.

  “That ought to confuddle the Scruts if they ever investigate this place,” the serval commented.

  “Good plan,” I nodded. “You’re pretty useful to keep around.”

  “Damn right I am,” she said, swatting me with her striped tail.

  Room 404 turned out to be a penthouse suite that took up most of the third floor rooftop styled in the same Art Deco stained glass, wood panels and elaborate gold and black wallpaper.

  "Grandfather liked options," South explained, throwing open the closet to grab some towels and outfits. "North, let’s go wash up and cover up that crystalline skin. Ash, feel free to put on whatever from the closet.”

  She pulled her sister into the shower.

  "Kawthy, the prads won't like... Outright slaughter humans that smell like vamps now, right?" I voiced a concern that came up in my head about the vampire-smelling plot I rapidly concocted.

  "Nah," she shook her beak. "I've already filed a report to all of the fleet Datamancers and Commander Sillicia about discovering a new Syntropic strain and its awful, awful properties of making everything and everyone smell like vamps. Prads are blood-bound into total obedience to their Wendigo Commanders and Wendigo Commanders make their decisions based on Datamancer reports. The ground pounders won't shoot at suspect-vamp humans, they'll have to slowly investigate each person with a very deep internal scan."

  "Nice to have an Arch-Datamancer on our side," Nexxali nodded.

  "Aight, thanks." I relaxed.

  I rifled through the closet, finding an impressive collection of vintage clothing. Everything looked mafia-chic: pinstripe suits, suspenders, fedoras, the works. I selected a bunch of items that more or less fit me, dressing up in a charcoal three-piece with subtle pinstripes, a crisp white shirt, and a deep burgundy tie.

  "FANCY ASH!" Shady circled me like an excited shark as I adjusted the tie in the mirror. "Look like crime circle boss! Very intimidating! Much authority!"

  "Thanks, Shades," I said, still feeling somewhat perturbed by the unexpected lake water assault. "Hey, are all Wendigos as... enthusiastic about throwing people into lakes as you are?"

  She paused mid-pace, tilting her head at me. "Hmmm. Don't know! Throwing Emperor in lake was FUN! Your scared face…" She grinned. "Made excellent fear circles!"

  "Right, so you enjoy scaring me?"

  "Yes!" she declared merrily. "Feels soooo good! Like... like eating favorite food but in chest! When you go 'AHHH!', makes thought-grab hooks go zoom-zoom-zoom!" She made excited hand gestures. "Better than steakses! Ashy makes best surprised faces. And always comes back. Never runs away like other kobolds… when Shady was small."

  "Standard Wendigo psychology.” Kawathra nodded. “Wendigo Omnids instinctively enjoy scaring all available subjects. It's how they calibrate their mind-reading skills when they grow up."