The waves of Lake Quinault rushed up to meet me with all the hospitality of a concrete wall made of very cold water.

  SPLASH.

  I hit the surface hard enough to knock the wind out of me, then sank like a stone in my shirt, jeans and boots. The glacial mountain water was approximately three degrees above "instant death" and felt like liquid needles stabbing every exposed bit of skin.

  I kicked frantically, breaking the surface with a gasp. "SHADY! WHAT THE F—"

  Another splash cut me off as Nexxali came cartwheeling through the air with a shocked yowl. She hit the water about ten feet from me with a spectacular belly flop that would've scored tens from imaginary Olympic judges for sheer commitment to a poor landing.

  "I CAN'T SWIM!" she shrieked, thrashing wildly. "I'M A CAT FROM A DESERT PLANET! CATS DON'T DO WATER! THIS IS A WAR CRIME!"

  She didn’t sink fully as a couple of functional hexasuit panels ignited, inflating and keeping her afloat. This didn’t stop the serval from her anti-water lamentations. I glanced from the distraught cat towards the shore.

  Shady shed her bear costume collection like the world's most disturbing striptease, flinging bear pelts in every direction. She stood on the rocky shore for a moment. Then, all seven feet of irritated Wendigo princess dove into the lake after us.

  Black antlers stuck out of the waves like the notification of an incoming, hungry shark. I considered that watching Jaws with her a few days ago might have been a mistake in hindsight.

  She surfaced between Nexxali and me, grabbed us both by our collars, and began vigorously scrubbing us like we were particularly dirty dishes.

  "BAD EMPEROR!" She dunked my head underwater. "COLLECTING MANY FEMALES WITHOUT PERMISSION!"

  I came up sputtering and shivering. "I didn't—glub—collect—"

  Down I went again.

  "BAD CAT!" Shady turned her attention to Nexxali, who was trying to climb onto my head to escape the water. "ATTEMPTING EMPEROR THEFT! VERY RUDE!"

  "I wasn't stealing him!" Nexxali wailed, clinging to my shoulders like I was a life raft. "I was just—GAH! STOP SCRUBBING MY EARS!"

  Shady had produced what looked like lake algae and was using it as an impromptu loofah on the Marshal's head. "SO MANY DIRTY THOUGHTS! MUST CLEAN!"

  "Those aren't—!" Nexxali protested as she was lifted by her tail out of the water. "Gah! Stahp! You can't wash thoughts out of—ACK! NOT THE TAIL!"

  "And YOU!" Shady spun me around, silver eyes blazing. "BLOOD BONDING WITH OTHER DRAGONS! While Princess does educational, wholesome bear activities! This is BETRAYAL SQUARE!"

  "Legate Ixthia Frontenachii ordered it!" I managed between dunks. “I had to do it to…”

  "Legate Ixthia can eat squares!" Shady declared. She grabbed both of us and plunged us underwater simultaneously.

  I opened my eyes underwater to see Nexxali's face inches from mine, golden eyes wide with panic, cheeks puffed out like a terrified chipmunk. She was making frantic hand gestures that I interpreted as either "help me" or "I'm going to murder everyone when this is over."

  We surfaced together, gasping.

  "I'M GOING TO FILE A FORMAL COMPLAINT!" Nexxali shrieked. "THIS IS ASSAULT! BATTERY! ATTEMPTED DROWNING OF A SUPERIOR OFFICER!"

  "Superior to who?" Shady scoffed, scrubbing my face with her palm like she was trying to remove it. "You small cat! I big Frontenachii Princess! Also, you smell like… like catnip! Shameful superior officer behavior!"

  "YOU… you smell like dead bears!" Nexxali shot back. “Shameful Princess behavior!”

  "TACTICAL BEAR DISGUISE!" Shady countered. "Different from recreational plant consumption!"

  She dunked us both again.

  When we came up, Nexxali wrapped herself around my torso like a very upset octopus, crying. "I hate water," she whimpered into my shoulder. "I hate it so much. It's wet and cold and moves wrong and gets in my ears and—"

  "Stop cuddling MY Emperor!" Shady pried her off and held her at arm's length. "Confession time! What are intentions with Ashy mine?"

  "I'm his hostage! He has blackmail on me! I literally cannot leave!" Nexxali flailed.

  “Incomplete verbiage! Confess feelings!”

  “I like him! I like him a lot because he's not scared of me!” the serval yelled. “Is this what you want to hear?! Stop drowning me already!”

  "Emperor explain or receive more aggressive washing!" Shady turned to me.

  "She accidentally revealed space state secrets while high on catnip," I said quickly, treading water. "So now she has to help us or face consequences. She likes me… I honestly don’t know why. I didn’t do anything romantic.”

  “HEARTS collar,” Shady pointed out, clearly using her brain hooks to fish memories out of the panicked cat. “Ran her over then spared her! Making her eggs. Fighting… a dragon together. Dragon who claimed you!”

  “That’s Galateya,” I tried to clarify. “We’re just friends!”

  "Blood bonded friends?! Unlicensed courtship!" Shady barked, silver eyes narrowing dangerously. "Running over other prad females with vehicles! Submission, chase ritual!"

  Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  "It wasn't courtship!" I protested through chattering teeth. "It was self-defense! She was trying to kill me!"

  "Foreplay," Shady growled. “She thinks of it as foreplay! Best date ever!” She dunked Nexxali who let out a yelp.

  When the Marshal resurfaced, she was making sounds like an angry tea kettle.

  Shady grabbed my face with her large dark hand, squishing my cheeks. "Emperor explains dragon bond NOW. Full details. No square omissions!"

  I tried to speak but it came out as "Mmmph gmmph fmmph" through my compressed face.

  She released me slightly. "Speak!"

  "Galateya Frontenachii’s great-grandmother Legate Ixthia ordered Galateya to bind me as her kobold," I explained rapidly. "A verry tight deadline, backed by death threats. The usual Frontenachii hospitality package!"

  "And you just... agreed?!" Shady's voice detonated across the lake, making us both wince.

  "I modified the blood contract," I said. "Made it an equal partnership with an open circle clause."

  Shady went very still. Silver eyes blinked at me. "Open. Circle. Clause?"

  "For you!" I clarified. "Same as our bond! So you could re-join! We need more people, Omnids and prads to join our circle. Stronger together… as friends! Not just you and me, Shades… we need others if we’re to stand up to your planet-collecting family!”

  She stared at me for a long moment, processing this. Then she smiled.

  "Clever Emperor," she stated, pulling me closer. "Very clever. But also VERY STUPID! Should have waited for Princess! Should have called… on phone, consulted! Not nice! Made me worry!”

  She dunked me again, this time holding me under while she apparently explained something to Nexxali, whose muffled protests I could hear even underwater.

  I surfaced to find Nexxali nodding frantically. "Yes, Princess! I understand! No touching without permission! Hostage status! Full obedience! Please don't drown me anymore!"

  "Good kitty," Shady patted Nexxali's head. "Now we discuss terms."

  "Terms?" I wheezed.

  "Yes! Princess joins dragon circle! Properly! With ceremonial dress and... and flowers! Not in stupid, wet, cold lake!"

  “You’re the one who threw us into the damn lake,” I pointed out, teeth chattering.

  “Surprise refreshment!” Shady grabbed both of us and plowed back out of the lake onto the shore. Nexxali let out a dying cat mewl as she was unceremoniously dropped onto the dry ground.

  “You thought of a solution, yes, cat?” Bone-white teeth snapped in front of the serval’s exhausted face.

  “P… prima,” Nexxali let out, trembling and cowering. “You can have Prima status in family order! Galateya… Hearth Keeper. That's the general Omnid tradition, what your Elders gave up, yes? Me… I’ll… I’ll be your most devoted Knight!”

  “Hrmmm. You desire more.” Shady growled. “Do not deceive me!”

  “Knight… with b-benefits!” Nexxai declared. “If… if you permit it, my Lady! Only out of devotion! I’m tired… so sick and tired of working for your Elders, tired of cleaning their messes, tired of having no life, of being shuttled from Earth to Earth, of telling everyone that everything is fine when it’s not… but I cannot simply escape my blood contract. I just want… I just want to be loved! Cared for! I just want a warm hearth to curl up near and enjoy nice wheeled pasta and tasty grass! Please!!!”

  “Ffffffine,” Shady let out. “You will sleep on floor as kobold mine, cat. Probation circle! No screwing around! Betrayal circle instant death! Prove devotion circle!”

  Nexxali nodded vigorously. Shady petted her wet ginger mane. The serval reached out with trembling hands and Shady hugged her. “Mine cat now. Mine and Ashy’s kobold forever. Understood?”

  “Understood, my Princess,” Nexxali agreed, eyes filling with tears, hugging Shady fiercely. “Yours forever. Just give me purpose, give me a family! Give me a home! Please?”

  Shady considered this, then grabbed both of us by our soaked collars and dragged us toward the Corpse Seeker like a mother cat relocating particularly troublesome kittens.

  "Wet circles need warm hexagons!" She produced the most geometrically absurd statement about temperature regulation.

  Kawathra, who had been watching the entire aquatic discipline session with the fascination of a bird observing an elk drowning two kittens, began tapping her talons against crystalline panels. "Understood, my Lady! Initiating interior thermal regulation!"

  The Seeker's interior transformed, the couch folding away to make a nest-like space for Shady to inhabit. Steam hissed from between hexagonal panels, projected by bioluminescent organelles pulsing with warm, orange light.

  Shady claimed the nest-space, pulling us both against her like damp teddy bears. "Mine circles now. No escape. Only warm."

  Nexxali gave up on maintaining any dignity and simply curled into Shady's side with a pathetic mewl. "Everything hurts. Water is evil. Lakes are canceled. Oceans are banned from my vicinity. Rain is on probation. I'm never leaving this warm spot."

  Shady's clawed hand began gently stroking through Nexxali's wet mane. "Poor wet kitty. Princess pet."

  "Yes, pet is nice," Nexxali mumbled into Shady's fur. "Pet your Marshal Commandant."

  "Wet cat commandant," Shady commented. Her other arm tightened around me, pulling me closer into her warmth. "And soggy Emperor. Receive Princess snuggle protocol."

  I let myself sink into her embrace. After the freezing lake, Shady's body heat and the steam blasting from below felt like salvation. "Thanks for the impromptu lake bath. We have problems to solve, Shades."

  "Problems wait. Warming first." She adjusted her position, wrapping her tail around all three of us like a fuzzy seatbelt. "Cat, you purr now."

  "Oi, I don't just purr on command," Nexxali protested weakly, then immediately began purring as Shady found the perfect spot behind her ears.

  "See? Better." Shady looked pleased with herself, copying the purring. "Ashy. Explain dragon problem as Princess circle warm service."

  I explained about Galateya being back at the house, how she couldn't know our real identities because her great-grandmother would eventually interrogate her and how the dragon girl was awful at deception due to her Omnid xenotype.

  Throughout my explanation, Shady kept us both firmly tucked against her. She and Nexxali seemed to be in a purring competition.

  "So Princess… needs another disguise," she concluded. "Like… bear suit?"

  "Maybe, we could introduce you to Galateya as… another Wendigo commander," I suggested. "Someone who just happened to show up."

  Kawathra, who was politely pretending not to document what she probably considered 'inter-species bonding behavior,' pulled up more charts. "A clever plan! I'll search the database for similar-looking, misplaced commanders..."

  “Thanks,” I yawned.

  "Got one! Commander Xandria Frontenachii from the 2nd Fleet," she announced after a moment. "Reported missing three years ago!"

  "Missing where?" Nexxali asked from the depths of Shady's embrace.

  "Missing, as in, dead?" I asked.

  "Missing as in 'probably got lost in a dimensional dungeon full of angry geometry and is too embarrassed to ask for directions,'" Kawathra clarified. "The 2nd Fleet Arch-Datamancer hasn't officially declared her deceased in case she ever shows up. Dimensional dungeons tend to spit out the adventurers lost in them into random places at random times."

  "Perfect. We will give Shady a makeover then." I said as the magpie summoned a photo of the Wendigo Commander Xandria.

  "MAKEOVER CIRCLE!" Shady declared excitedly. "Princess gets new identity! Like witness protection but fancy!"

  “Nexxali is too easy to read by a Wendigo too,” I contemplated. “Shades, think you can split her mind like you did with me?”

  “Maybe,” Shady replied. “Later. Still learning how to Wendigo. Wouldn't want to break new soft circle cat.”

  “Yes, please do not break your precious Commandant,” Nexxali voiced, sounding half asleep.