"Stormy-o," Linari pursed her lips. "Do you understand what you've just signed up for? You just made a bet with one of the most obsessively compulsive data-trackers in our fleet. She once spent six months documenting every time a specific blade of grass moved on a planet we were occupying."

  "It was displaying suspicious patterns!" Kawathra defended.

  "It was WIND, Kawthy!"

  "Suspicious wind! Also, we’re getting off track!” The Magpie bobbed. “I demand evidence of vampire graves ASAP! Give me hard data! DATA!!!”

  "Take them to Kraków," the inner voice instructed. "Rynek Underground Museum."

  "Here, I've got a map of where it is," Piotr said, pulling up Goodle Maps on his phone. "Rynek Underground Museum. It's about 300 kilometers south."

  "Three hundred local km-units!" Kawathra squawked. "That's... that's..." Her head tilted as she performed calculations. "Approximately 186.411 miles, or 162.16 nautical miles, or 984,251.97 feet, or—"

  "We get it," Linari groaned. "It's far."

  "I must verify this isn't a trap!" Kawathra's projection fluttered. "Abyssal Sorrow Seer Piana, this is Datamancer Kawathra! Requesting immediate verification of location designated 'Rynek Underground Museum' in settlement 'Kraków.' Potential vampire evidence claimed by a local informant."

  A new voice crackled through: "Confirmed, Datamancer. Museum exists. Orbital scan states the location is currently occupied by nineteen humans."

  "Acceptable!" Kawathra chirped. "Now, while you two physically pursue this ridiculous vampire quest, I shall mentally construct my META-SPREADSHEET!" Her projection exploded into hundreds of smaller charts that began orbiting each other like a data solar system. "The optimal spreadsheet to track spreadsheet optimization! Why didn't I think of this before?!"

  Linari tapped her ring. The projection of the hyperactive magpie minimized to a small glowing dot above the ring.

  "Is she... okay?" Piotr asked.

  "Uh-huh. She'll be like that for hours," Linari said, finishing her third cheesecake. "Totally lost to the charts. Last time she got this excited, she created a 47-dimensional pivot table to track how often I scratched my left ear versus my right ear."

  "Why?"

  "Suspected coded communication with enemy forces." Linari rolled her eyes. "Turned out I just had Astral fleas from that swamp ghosts planet. Anyway, let's finish our food and go!"

  They demolished the rest of breakfast, Linari inhaling pierogi like a wood chipper while Piotr nursed his coffee. Other café patrons had given up pretending not to stare.

  Outside, Etty unfolded back into her vehicle frame with a mechanical sigh.

  "Another unauthorized joyride," the gun grumbled.

  "Shush. I'm following a lead. Also, you love flying," Linari countered, securing Piotr in front of her again. "This is a mission authorized by our Datamancer. Check with her!"

  "I tolerate it. There's a difference."

  "Uh-huh. You 'tolerate' everything," the wolf girl laughed.

  They shot into the sky, Warsaw shrinking below. The wind whipped past as they accelerated, the landscape blurring into a patchwork of forests and fields.

  "Hey Stormy," Linari said over the wind, "Why do I keep smelling the tag 'Piotr' mixed in with 'StormoLyx' in your head? Are you two different people?"

  "I expected this one," his inner voice said. "Tell her about conventions and costumes."

  "It's a… furry thing," Piotr explained, feeling very worried. "StormoLyx is my fursona… my character. Piotr is my mundane human name. At conventions, we use our character names."

  "Conventions?" Linari's repeated from behind. "Like military conventions? Rules of war?"

  "No, it's like... Gatherings where people dress up as characters from stories they like or write themselves. Comics, games, movies. Thousands of people in costumes."

  "THOUSANDS?" Kawathra's voice suddenly burst from the minimized projection. "Potential army forming! Threat level assessment required! Are they armed?!"

  "With foam swords and airsoft toy guns, maybe," Piotr chortled.

  "TOY WEAPONS!" Kawathra shrieked. "Nonlethal training exercises confirmed! They're preparing for something!"

  "They're preparing to have fun," Piotr clarified. "It's harmless fun, something to do when we're not working on boring stuff like spreadsheets."

  "Fun is what you call it when you're winning," Linari commented.

  "Spreadsheets aren't boring! Take that back!" Kawathra declared before her projection went quiet again, presumably returning to her meta-spreadsheet.

  "Your world is so weird," Linari said. "You dress up as other creatures… for fun? Like wearing the skin of conquered enemies?"

  "Tell her it's more like theater," his inner voice suggested.

  "More like theater. Playing pretend. Becoming someone else for a while."

  "Ohhh! Like infiltration training?" Linari perked up. "Practice being other species. A clever, tactical approach. Hrmmm."

  They descended toward Kraków's main square, tourists scattering as the alien vehicle landed near the Cloth Hall with a deep hum. Linari helped Piotr dismount, then paused.

  "Can I see?" She added.

  "See what?"

  "Your real face. Under the… synthetic enemy skin you're wearing."

  "It's not enemy—" Piotr started, but Linari was already reaching for his lynx head. She pulled it off carefully with his aid, revealing his sweaty human face.

  "Oh!" Her tail wagged. "You're adorable! Look at your little human face hidden under the bigger lynx face! No muzzle at all! How do you smell things?"

  "Poorly," Piotr admitted, face red from the costume heat.

  "And your tiny teeth! How do you rip apart prey?"

  "We cook our food first."

  She ruffled his sweaty hair and smelled her hand, tail wagging. "This is neat! Like wearing the flesh of a defeated lynx but more... friendly? So cute!"

  This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

  "Please don't phrase it like that around other people."

  "Why not? It's a compliment!" The Scrutimancer grinned.

  "Just lead them to the museum." His inner voice advised.

  The Rynek Underground Museum entrance was in a fancy gothic building. The ticket seller was dozing off and barely glanced up at the seven-foot wolf woman as Piotr paid for both of them.

  Underground, the museum sprawled through medieval cellars and passages. Interactive displays showed Kraków's history through the centuries. In one section, a holographic-style projection discussed burial practices.

  "—and here we see evidence of anti-vampire burial rituals," the 14th-century peasant projected onto a curtain of smoke, explained. "In order to prevent the undead from rising, bodies were buried face-down, with stones in their mouths, hands tied, heads cut off and placed beneath their feet and stakes struck through their hearts. Candidates for vampirism were identified via red hair or extra teeth."

  "Ha! Stakes through the heart and red hair!" Linari declared. "That's pretty damn specific! Why would they do that unless vampires were real?!"

  "Yep. Look at these thousand-year-old graves," Piotr pointed to a floor display case containing skeletal remains. "They really believed vampires existed."

  "Believed or KNEW?" Linari's nose twitched as she went down and began sniffing the display. "These bones smell... Hrmmmm. Too old to scrutinize, but maybe... I can get something... This already is way more than anyone else on this damned planet found!" She used a black, shimmering knife to carve out a piece of the display glass and stuck her nose into the hole, inhaling deep.

  A man in a deerstalker hat and Victorian coat materialized from the shadows. He had sharp features and carried a magnifying glass, which warped his face.

  "Excuse me," he said in accented British English, staring at Piyotr. "I deduce by your appearance that you are... serious vampire enthusiast, yes? Also, indubitably, you're from Warsaw, a Wotchler cosplayer."

  "Say yes," his inner voice instructed. “More interactive stuff! Heh. Sudden Sherlock. What a fun date this is. Linari looks like she’s enjoying herself. Don’t stare at her butt too hard she'll notice!”

  "Sure," Piotr replied with a shrug, drawing his eyes from Linari’s behind and wagging tail to the man with a magnifying glass.

  Sherlock suddenly leaned close and pulled out a worn piece of paper from his coat with a deep whisper. "Then perhaps this will interest you. A map of genuine vampire nests I scrutinized recently. This one in particular..." He added, while pointing to an X marked on the Pacific Northwest of the USA, "is quite active. 47°46'45.9"N 123°43'56.8"W. A farm with a huge bunker deep underground. Very old. Very... inhabited. The foot of Mount Olympus at the Pacific Rim. I believe you will find this of great value in your Quest, Mr. Grabowski."

  He pressed the map into Piotr's hands, then turned to leave.

  "Wait, how did you—" Piotr started, surprised by the fact that Sherlock somehow knew his last name.

  But Sherlock had already vanished into one of the side tunnels.

  "Who were you talking to?" Linari asked, turning from the vampire grave she'd been intensely studying on all fours.

  "Someone dressed as… Sherlock Holmes. He knew my name... somehow and he gave me this." Piotr showed her the map. “Not sure if it’s a joke, or an advert for some business, or a puzzle game. Weird, right?”

  "Those coordinates are really specific," Linari frowned. "That's not how jokes work. Jokes are supposed to be funny. This is just... Specific data. And he knew your name? Kawthy, who’s Sherlock Holmes?"

  "Data!" Kawathra's projection exploded to full size. "DATA DATA DATA! That human in the primitive detective costume—Division 943 encountered someone like him yesterday! He knew their names and gave them a tour of 'Baker Street' and sold them twenty Sherlock Holmes novels!"

  "And?" Linari asked, returning to sniffing at the vampire burial display.

  "AND?!" Kawathra shrieked. "He's appearing at multiple locations, looking slightly different! Providing... a map is new data though! Map with COORDINATES! Specifically, very specific coordinates that I will investigate right now!"

  “Aight, you do you, bird.” The wolf sighed.

  “Ah! Data! Hmmmmmm… Oh wow, a dimensional deviation!”

  “What?” Linari blinked, clearly not expecting this turn of events.

  Kawathra manifested a three and a half dimensional chart that twisted and wobbled, folding into itself and an overhead map of Western USA. "See this anomaly at the foot of Mount Olympus? That’s a fissure! I just had the location scanned from orbit! The Astral curtain there deviates 0.03% from the overall baseline! That's STATISTICALLY SIGNIFICANT!"

  "Is it really?" Linari asked.

  "YES! Combined with the burial evidence shown here—" Kawathra practically vibrated with excitement, shiny feathers bristling wildly. "We need greater reconnaissance immediately! No, an orbital bombardment! We need to blast that place from ORBIT right away!"

  "This escalated quickly," Piotr's inner voice commented.

  "Kawthy you’re getting way too excited over this. We—" Linari started.

  "No! We need to move before they escape! The sneaky shrooms know how to move via dimensional gates!" Kawathra's projection split into twelve smaller versions, each talking to different command nodes simultaneously, then converged into one. "Commander Sillicia! Priority one potential magic discovery! Requesting immediate orbital secondary verification of local coordinates tagged as 47°46'45.9"N 123°43'56.8"W!"

  Through the projection, Piotr heard a familiar voice, and saw a miniature holo of the same Frontenachii Commander he'd seen on GoTube casually talking to the Emperor of Earth.

  "Datamancer Kawathra, this better not be another 'suspicious penguin gathering.'"

  "No, no, no, Commander Sillicia! I have EVIDENCE this time!” Kawathra yelled.

  Commander Sillicia sighed. “Which is?”

  “A map in possession of Alpha Linari provided to my informant by the greatest Scrutimancer of Earth, Sherlock Holmes! Just like in the books Division 943 is reading in England! Astral irregularities from an orbital scan!"

  "What informant?"

  Kawathra flapped her hands dramatically, "Our new, lovely human informant dressed like a lynx who just successfully helped us investigate genuine anti-vampire burial sites!"

  There was a long pause as the Wendigo considered things.

  "Bring this… informant up to my ship," Sillicia ordered. "I wish to evaluate him… personally."

  Linari's ears flattened. "Up? As in—"

  "TO OUR LADY'S WARSHIP!" Kawathra’s hologram squawked. "IMMEDIATELY! RIGHT NOW! NOW! Go! Go! Go!"

  They rushed out of the museum, Etty leaping off Linari’s sidearm and inserting herself into the glider bike frame that Linari pulled off her back with a grunt.

  "Hold on tight," Linari warned, pulling Piotr in front of herself. "And try not to scream. Or vomit. Or die. It would be very inconvenient if you break on me now, babe."

  "Why would I—"

  She snapped a black centipede-like bracelet on his wrist, which dug into his vein with a dark needle. Then, the acceleration hit like a sledgehammer.

  They shot straight up, the medieval cobblestone square shrinking to a dot in seconds. The historic buildings became patterns, then patches, then disappeared under clouds that whipped past like torn cotton. Piotr's stomach dropped somewhere around his ankles as the sky shifted from blue to deep indigo, darkening rapidly.

  The air thinned. His ears popped painfully. Then a shimmering shield ignited around the glider and he could suddenly breathe and feel his limbs once again.

  The Earth curved below them. The terminator line between day and night crawled across the planet. City lights sparkled like a million scattered diamonds on the dark side.

  And above them, a monstrous, increasingly larger shape blotted out the stars.

  The warship looked like a space cathedral drawn by a Heavy Metal artist. Black metal twisted into sharp spires and jagged buttresses. It had to be several kilometers long, a flying mountain of implied violence and jagged ends.

  "The Abyssal Sorrow," Linari announced with pride. "Isn't she beautiful? Das’ our Commander’s personal warship."

  "It looks like someone’s whack Gothic nightmare," Piotr managed.

  "I know, right? So pretty!" Linari cooed. “The spires are basically shells put together and grown by space crabs on some secret world owned by the Frontenachii Empress!”

  A hangar bay opened in the ship's belly, revealing a maw lined with red lights. They flew inside, passing through some sort of energy barrier that tingled against Piotr's skin, making his teeth ache. Suddenly, gravity reasserted itself, and they landed on a deck that looked like it was made from black frosted glass.

  The hangar was vast, filled with more gliders. Crystalline shapes he recognized as Corpse Seekers hung from the ceiling like slumbering centipede-bats. Feline, canine, avian, ursine, reptilian and various marine pradavarians in black armor moved across the bay, paying them no mind.

  "Ahhhhh!" Kawathra suddenly materialized physically in front of them as a tall, feathery, curvy and skinny magpie girl in a hexagonal-textured black, tight suit. “My lovely validated human informant! Welcome to the Sorrraww!"

  She grabbed Piotr, lifting him off the ground and spinning him through the air. "You gorgeous primitive data-providing mammal! You precious creature! You found ACTUAL VAMPIRE EVIDENCE! Eeeeeeee!"

  "Can't... breathe..." Piotr wheezed.

  "Kawathra, you're crushing him," Linari pointed out with a growl.

  "Crushing with SUCCESS!" Kawathra laughed.

  “What success?” Linari asked warily. “What, you actually found something? Truly?”