One more thing they took from me.
Even in a fugue state, there’s not enough to occupy my time. My little A-Team build with Pepper was remarkably easy; it didn’t even take the whole theme song to complete. I saw my Wile E. Coyote bonus blink out—apparently someone surpassed my fall record. I opened my Skin-to-Win cosmetic and upgraded to an actual pair of pants and a ratty shirt that looks like it used to be a color but isn’t anymore. After that, I just wait.
As I sit at the edge of the cliff staring at the RiftStorm on the horizon, I wonder what happens when the world ends. Do they unplug all the LivingLegends? Let us die? Wake us up? What kind of decision would HumanAsset make for patients under their care?
Probably sell our corpses for a profit.
By the end of the month I could be a bag of red mulch, only $2.99 at Home Depot.
Weapons of Ass Destruction (WAD) emerges from the saferoom. Anna, who has been folded in lotus position most of the night, is waiting for them outside the door. Pepper and I stay out of sight, not wanting to get gunned down for fun. I get the feeling Anna would have done the same had our guys come out first. Anna shares a few brief words with WAD, and they take off into the woods. She doesn’t acknowledge Pepper or me at all. She just disappears up the hill with her squad.
It takes about two minutes for the streaks of rainbow light to ignite the jungle. The Nyanamyte C4ts are back. I watch their light-trails carefully, following their patterns of attack. An explosion goes off in the jungle, there's a bloop-blip! and the WAD who just got blown up rematerializes in front of the safehouse door. “G§d damn grenade cats!” Another explosion goes off, then six more. Another 2 WADs respawn by the door. “F§ck, there’s a lot of those things!” The WADs take off up the hill back into the fight.
At least they’re trying. Our guys haven’t even shown up.
Pepper cocks her head, watching the saferoom door. “Maybe they’re taking a nap.”
“Maybe they ran out of adderall."
Bloop-blip! The Trainwreck Bros crash through the door like they’re late to a free pizza dinner. “They screwed us!”
“Fifteen whole minutes, man!” One of them, Bromeo, whines. “They locked us out a whole extra fifteen minutes!”
I don’t know what they’re talking about, but I get the idea that the two teams agreed to lock each other out of the quest so they could go to school or sleep or jerk off or whatever they do for twelve hours, and meet back here to duke it out to the top, but the WADs pulled some paid-upgrade shenanigans to get a jump on the quest.
Not that I give a thin fart.
I stand up from my rock, lit perfectly by the sun, ready to sell my plan. “It doesn’t matter if they went first.” I try to look like an American Badass, like Clint Eastwood had a baby with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris. “They’re getting the hell kicked out of them. They’re dead meat. Lucky for you, you’ve got me.”
EmpathyEngine?: Suggested Dialogue
“Morning fellers! I got a crick in my back last night, but I’m rarin’ to go!”
My American Badass moment is ruined as a WAD respawns at the doorway. “Aw, shi§, guys, those §ssholes are already here.” Some of my tough-guy vibe must have rubbed off; the Trainwreck Bros raise their guns and mow down the WAD with a thousand bullets. It doesn’t do anything to him, it’s a No-PVP Zone, so he just runs away up the hill.
“Save your ammo!” I shout, trying to recapture their attention. Anna’s naive, but she’s not totally wrong. If I put off enough Alpha-dog energy, these kids might fall in line. “These clowns have been doing it all wrong.” I decide to repeat my primo line. “But you guys are lucky. You’ve got me.”
“Shut up, bum! We’re totally OP! I got me a flamethrower!” Brocodile brandishes the gleaming weapon. “I’m gonna light those pussies up!”
“We’re not hunting for kittens. Let the other team do that. We’re after a dragon.”
UMadBro eyes me, curious. “What you got in mind, old man?”
“Meet your path to victory.” I pull aside the tarp (every A-Team build needs a reveal tarp) and expose my solution to the Nyanmite C4ts. I got the idea from the Garbage Balls I removed from the bunkers below. Portable and impossible to see through, they make a perfect mobile camouflage. Pepper and I combined enough Garbage Balls to make a device big enough to conceal the whole team. It’s not sexy, but it will get us up the mountain.
“I’m not hiding in garbage!” Brocodile yells. “That’s bullsh§t, man! I say we bum-rush the C4ts!”
“Do you want to get blown up like the WADs? Spend your credits on respawns?” I turn to UMadBro. He’s the leader. If I’m going to win these idiots over, I have to make him my Beta. “Or do you want to win the Dragon That Wouldn't Die Quest, claim that primo Dragonslayer badge and get that motherf§cking treasure?”
He stares me down. I don’t blink. Nobody says anything. UMadBro sets his jaw and turns to the Bros. “Get in the f§cking hobo dumpster.”
Minutes later, we move our way up the mountain, hidden inside our mobile camo.
Hot Garbage Hide
The ultimate in jungle camouflage, this mobile hunter-hide increases your Stealth by 500% while moving at half speed. Max Capacity 8.
Hidden by Hot Garbage, we watch WADs get blown to smithereens by rainbow C4ts. The carnage is incredible. Half the mountain is on fire, cratered with smoking holes. We watch one of the WADs fire a wandfull of magic missiles into a pack of C4ts before he goes ka-boom.
The Nyanmite C4ts ignore us. We’re completely disguised as long as we go slow. It’s crowded, uncomfortable, and I’ve got Bros on my toes, but it works.
And that’s not all my little contraption is good for. Drone camera flies are everywhere, filming the carnage for RiftTok or whatever it’s called. But no cameras come looking for us. They know we’re here, no doubt, but we’re not giving them anything worth filming. Who wants to see the inside of a Garbage Ball?
That makes me happier than anything else about this little caper. I may have to earn a HypeScore to keep my breathing tubes going, but I don’t have to dance like a monkey to do it.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
Even better, we’re going to win.
While the WADs are going big, making a scene, blowing up everything in sight and creating great footage, we’re pulling a tortoise act. Slow and steady wins the race.
Halfway up to the dragon’s lair, we discover Anna hidden behind a giant tree, gazing downhill through a pair of binoculars, whispering orders into her comms. “Stay off the left side, they’re too concentrated there, stay right, stay right!”
UMadBro aims his gun at her. I grab the barrel and jerk it away. “Whadjoo do that for?” He hisses. “I can kack her!”
“You don’t know the secret of LivingLegends?”
He blinks. “What secret?” Brocodile and Bromeo lean in, curious. “Yeah, what secret?”
I have no idea what frikkin’ secret, but I’m not going to let these teenage morons go around killing car crash victims and cancer patients. “It’s bad luck.”
UMadBro blows his lips. “Pff. Whatever.”
“I swear.” I hold up my hand like a Boy Scout. “They dock you 500 Luck Points if you kill a LivingLegend.”
“Luck Points? This game doesn’t have Luck Points.”
I whisper like I’m trying to make sure the AI can’t hear. “It’s hidden in the game.” At that, the Bros lean forward, dying to know the secret ways of RiftBorn. I lean in conspiratorially. “An invisible part of your Character Profile, a backend code. That’s why you guys got a LivingLegend who can spot traps for this mission, you’ve got high Luck scores. But kill an LL?” I shake my head like the very idea of killing a LivingLegend is worse than throwing away a rabbit’s foot, a four-leaf clover, and a horseshoe while breaking a mirror with a black cat. “You’re toast, bro.”
Bromeo blinks. “Is that true?”
“It has to be!” Pepper chirps. “He just said it!”
“Whoa.” They all intone softly. Conspiracy theories go a long way with 14-year-olds. They’re stupid and violent, but they’re gullible as hell. UMadBro holsters his piece. “Okay, I won’t kill their LivingLegend. For now. Let’s go.”
We move up the hill, leaving behind Anna S, the WADs, the vid-drones, and the murder-C4ts of Hamburger Hill.
You Did a Thing!
Congratulations! You managed to sneak through enemy lines undetected using an Improvised Gizmo!
Emergent Gameplay Payday! 1000XP | 50,000 gold
Great. Just what I need. More gold. We stay inside the Hot Garbage hide as we approach the peak of Mt. Tripwre.
You Did Another Thing!
You passed through the jungle without killing any NPCs or mobs!
No-Kill Solution +1
From here we can see the entrance to Lernaean’s cave. The Bros run out of patience. They abandon the Habitat and make a run for it. “Wait–!”
“God, you’re such a pussy. Time to move, dumb… guy.” The player named Brocephus looks satisfied with his insult and heads for the cave. Part of me hopes he gets blasted by C4ts, but it doesn’t happen. Apparently they don’t come this close to the dragon’s lair.
Right. We have to fight a dragon now.
The entrance to the dragon’s cave looks exactly like you would expect in any video game, right down to the open mouth that looks like a dragon, the stone teeth, and the wisps of mysterious smoke curling from the cave mouth.
The Maw of Lernaean
This is your last chance to turn back. What waits inside is a creature out of legend, an undying monster that will roast you alive and pick its teeth with your bones. But don’t let me stop you. It’s your life.
Warning: This is an Exotic Mountain Boss. Once you pass the Maw, the cave will shut and you will not be able to escape. Players who die in the cave cannot return for another chance. Once you are dragon-chow, you will be forced to watch someone else win the Boss Fight while you cry on your Cheeto-stained couch. Proceed wisely. This is your one and only opportunity to defeat The Dragon Who Would Not Die.
“Help!” comes a pitiful woman’s voice. “Help me!”
“Sweet! Princess Poontang!” UMadBro charges into the cave.
“Wait, we need a plan for—” But they’re gone. Charging headlong into a cave that drips with dragon-teeth stalactites, has snakes crawling all over the walls, and is littered with the charred skeletons of dead adventurers, the Bros gallumph toward certain death like it’s a gang bang, without a single thought for what the hell they’re doing.
“We have to go rescue that poor woman!” Pepper squeaks. “The Princess is in trouble!”
“She’s not even real!” I bark.
EmpathyEngine?: Don’t Split the Party!
Separation from your assigned teammates may result in immediate loss of coverage. Stay close! Stay valuable! Stay healthy!
Hells bells. “Okay. Let’s Leroy Jenkins this thing.”
I run into the Dragon’s Maw.
Somewhere behind me I hear the sound of rumbling rock, and I watch the cave mouth close like a snake’s jaw.
You are now trapped inside the Maw of Lernaean!
The only way out is to win or die. Totally your choice.
“Help me!” The Princess repeats somewhere up ahead, and I swear they’re using the same voiceover actress who did Princess Daphne’s voice in Dragon’s Lair. “Save me!”
I creep into the cave and see an elaborate stage piece with a gigantic altar made of carved stone, covered in snake heads and weird hieroglyphs. There’s a big ancient Greek mosaic on the wall with a big strongman painted on it, probably Hercules. There are also a lot of Greek pots all over the place with paintings of nude men… let’s say wrestling. It’s a weird design choice for a dragon’s lair, and feels like it would be more at home in Clash of the Titans than a medieval dungeon. Swing and a miss for the set designer.
Suspended between two stone serpent fangs is Princess Penelope VII. She’s dressed exactly how a teenage boy would want, a white dress slit up to her belt that exposes most of her legs and a tight gauzy top that somehow manages to offer cleavage on the top and bottom of her tremendously large and gravity-defying breasts. “Save me!”
The Bros climb the dias, racing to get to her first. “Wait!” I yell. I’ve seen this setup a hundred times. The moment they try to untie her, the dragon is going to show up and kill us all, especially me. “We need a plan!” My A-Team skills include a bunch of teamwork buffs, including Plan Comes Together and Hannibal’s Gambit, but I’ve never used any of them and I don’t know how they work. If we just take a second to think, we can—
“I’m gonna get all rizz in her biz!” Bromeo pumps his hips behind the Princess. “Yah get some!” He reaches for the ropes that bind her. The moment he touches them, the cave explodes epic music.
? “Megalovania" (Undertale)” — Toby Fox (2015) ?
The walls flash into flames and the cave is suddenly swarmed with drone flies, drawn by the promise of gruesome death.
Final Deathmatch!
Lernaean: Exotic Mountain Boss
More muscular than an elephant on steroids, Lernaean has been alive for hundreds of years, surviving on the blood of princesses, adventurers, and other dragons. Known as the Dragon That Cannot Die, his flames are deadly, his bite is lethal, and his claw is eviscerating. Let’s face it, you’re sh§t out of luck.
From the rear of the cave, a gigantic shadow rears up, its eyes burning with a purple flame that illuminates the cave walls and silhouettes a serpentine body. The dragon rears back its head and shrieks.
EmpathyEngine?: Big Finish Energy!
You are about to be incinerated. Be sure to make a good final impression on your players by giving them a big thumbs-up as you go! Make it look great for the camera! Remember, your death is someone else’s entertainment!
“Sh§t.”