DOCKTOPUS LVL2 PICKPOCKET

  A caffeinated cephalopod with espresso shot nerves, this eight-armed bandit will blind you and steal everything you’ve got before it Moonwalks away on eight slippery tentacles and goes back to its daytime job as a Japanese hentai star. Cover your ass!

  Something wet splats me in the face and I realize a big octopus on the dock just slapped me. The slimy thing is about the size of a dog; its flesh keeps changing color from pink to orange to red. Its sharp beak snaps at me, then an oily black jet of ink sprays into my eyes.

  Pepper screams.

  I sputter, blind and disgusted. “G§ddammit, gross!”

  

  Health: 85% | DEBUFF: Blind

  DEBUFF: Restrained (Overcome by Stamina 11)

  I can’t see, so I lunge at the dock and grab hold of something. I feel tentacles snatch at my belt pouch and dig inside, searching for loot. My dashboard thingy is still visible even though I’m blind, so I activate my inventory. I see an icon of the Docktopus’s tentacle inside my inventory slots, curled into a question mark as if it’s puzzled that there’s nothing to steal.

  I jam Boaty MacBoatface into my inventory and watch the tentacle icon reach for it greedily as I pull myself onto the dock. As the cephalopod strangles me, I roll on top of the docktopus and eject the bathtub from my inventory.

  I feel Boaty MacBoatface drop on the docktopus like an anvil, and hear a juicy squish as the animal explodes all over the dock and my naked body.

  Yuk.

  

  Murder Payday! +20 XP | 200 gold (+50%)

  No-Weapon Kill +20XP

  Treasure: What do you want? You were its first victim! It never got to rob anyone, poor thing.

  Badge Unlocked! First Contact

  You faced off against your first monster and lived! You didn’t do great, but you lived! +10XP

  I wipe ink out of my eyes and see Pepper climb up the ladder onto the dock. “Oh my goodness!” She wrings her flippers, looking at the docktopus body. “You were so brave!”

  I check the docks for more slimy eight-legged freaks. There are a few other docktopi on the far piers, all semi-camouflaged in shades of brown, but they’re not moving toward me. I hack up more ink and spit it out. “You lose.”

  ‘The Quiet Game!” Pepper slaps her flipper over her beak. “I forgot!”

  “You’re still making noise.”

  “Well let’s play again! I know I can win!”

  “Then stop talking.”

  I spit out the last of the ink, yank my sail off Boaty MacBoatface, wipe my face with it, and equip it again. The loincloth is disgusting, but at least I’m not naked anymore. The tub goes back in the inventory and I run up the pier. I need to find weapons, fast.

  I run through the city gate. Loud voices come from ahead: barking dogs, screeching tropical birds, street vendors calling out their wares, and horse hooves clopping. I turn a corner to find myself in the town square, complete with a pillory, a scaffold cage, a town crier’s stand, and a hangman’s noose.

  But there’s no one there.

  I hear people talking behind me, more ahead, the sounds of a lively trading post populated by hundreds of people… but they’re all ghosts. It feels like I’m alone in Disneyland and they left the audio effects on.

  “What the hell?”

  “You lose!” I turn to find Pepper’s 8-bit chalkboard says Quiet Game: DDD 1 Pepper 1. “We’re tied! Want to play again?”

  “Immediately.”

  I look around, trying to find something to loot, but the entire city is an empty setpiece. Maybe because the game hasn’t started yet? I search the shops and the tavern, but there is absolutely nothing here. As we pass an empty bulletin board by the Town Crier’s stand, Pepper’s chalkboard suddenly glitches and holotext flashes on it.

  

  New Quest! Long Arm of the Claw

  Dirty Duke’s deputies have taken over a derelict warehouse near the docks! Rumor has it they’re hoarding something called the Oolith — a mysterious magic item that could change the fate of Trader’s Point forever. Infiltrate the heavily guarded warehouse, steal the Oolith, and make it out alive, if you can! This is a No Participation Trophy quest – the first team to finish wins the whole enchilada.

  Difficulty: Recruit | Lvl3 Party

  Loot: 500XP ea. | 10,000 gold | Quest Prize (x2)

  

  

  “Oo!” Pepper squeaks. “A quest!”

  “You lose.” Pepper frowns and adds a point to my score. “Go again.” She smiles and holds her breath, still trying to win.

  I don’t get it. The bulletin board is empty, there’s no Town Crier, and the only reason we know about the quest is because of Pepper’s glitchy chalkboard. But it doesn’t make any sense. If the quest doesn’t open until the game begins, why is it showing up for me?

  The realization hits like a truck.

  Because I’m not a player.

  I’m an NPC.

  Yes, I know what an NPC is, okay? Non-Player Character. They’re just supporting cast members that tell you where to go next or sell you junk or serve you meat pies or whatever. They’re not real.

  That’s me.

  I remember O’Cavity’s words. ‘As of now, you are worth… less than nothing.’

  That’s why my Class was pre-assigned. That’s why I was stuck on a desert island. I’m just supposed to be a crazy old hermit for real players to yell at and blow up so the AI can steal pieces of my humanity.

  They locked me in the game, and I’m not even a player.

  Just a cancer patient taking up a bed.

  “Well f§ck them.”

  I’m not playing HumanAsset’s game, and I’m damn sure not playing as an NPC. If I can figure out Gary Gygax’s stupid THAC0 armor class in D&D, I can figure out how to break their system.

  I’ve got access to a winner-take-all quest with no competition.

  And I can’t die.

  Call me One-Eyed Willy because 150% gold, here I come.

  A new star blips on my map, marked Long Arm Quest. I follow the star through the maze of streets, up and up and up the gigantic hill that is Trader’s Point. As I run, I keep waiting for my legs to get tired or for my plantar fasciitis to flare up, but my body feels like I’m 18 years old again.

  Hells yes.

  I get a ping for Long Arm Quest outside the door of a big warehouse. Outside is a long, bent metal pole, the first interactable object I’ve seen in Trader’s Point.

  

  Item: Crowbar (Common)

  Good for prying things open or whacking things apart – try both!

  I pop the crowbar into my inventory and fiddle with my dashboard controls. Something called a Loadout appears, an outline of my body that includes the belt pouch on my waist. I click a button, and the crowbar is suddenly Equipped in my right hand with the label Primary Weapon. Cool. I kick the door in.

  “DDD, what are you doing?” Pepper cries. “This could be dangerous!”

  “Point for me. Go again.” I barge inside the warehouse to find a bunch of stacked crates and stairways. Classic first-person shooter setup. I run, looking for anything that might be valuable. Nothing behind or inside the crates. Maybe up one of the staircases. I climb, enjoying how fast I’m moving, and kick in the door at the top of the stairs.

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  You Are Under Attack!

  Claw Enforcement lvl2 Deputy

  Violators will be prosecuted! Identifiable by their gold star-shaped barnacles, reinforced shells, and absolutely zero tolerance for lawbreakers like you, these despicable decopoda will drag you sideways into a sandpit and bury you for fun. Remember: Those claws are sharp, so watch out for your dangly bits!

  Three crabs the size of ponies attack me.

  I hit one with the crowbar and knock it between the eyes. I hear its shell crack and the thing hits the floor. One of them snaps its claws at me and misses, the other one bites at me and doesn’t.

  I watch blood spray out of my arm.

  

  Health: 48%

  The other crab snaps its claw around my neck.

  

  Health: 14% | DEBUFF: Restrained | Movement 0

  Another claw latches onto my face and rips off my head.

  

  You Are Dead.

  

  I flash back into existence outside the warehouse door. “F§ck!”

  I don’t know how I’m supposed to take three of those things. They’re one-shot kills, but they hit for big damage. As I re-enter the warehouse, I see Pepper waddle up the stairs, trying to catch up to where I just died. “DDD?! Are you okay!?” I sprint up the stairs and snatch her under my arm like a football. “Oh! There you are!”

  This time, I set Pepper down outside the crab door. “Stay here and don’t let that door close.”

  Pepper smiles and claps her hands. “I got a point in the Quiet Game!”

  “And don’t die!”

  I plunge into the room, duck the first claw, kill one of the three crabs, and get eviscerated. Then they tear me to shreds.

  “DDD!” Pepper howls. “Noo–”

  

  You Are Dead.

  

  I don’t stop running as I respawn, burst through the warehouse door, and fly up the stairs. Pepper is outside the door, still screaming ‘–Nooo’ as a crabbomination comes through the door to kill her. I leap in the air, bring the crowbar down on its whatever-you-call-a-crab-skull, and kill it.

  Pepper looks at me like I’m her own personal hero. “DDD! You saved me! I thought I was going to die—”

  She finishes the sentence just in time to get stabbed through the gut with a sharpened claw by the third crab. The little penguin stares at the blood pouring out of her chest in shock. She blinks at the crab. “But it’s my birthday.”

  Pepper blips out of existence.

  Hell’s bells.

  

  EmpathyEngine?: Companion Terminated

  Emotional trauma may reduce player satisfaction. Try smiling through it!

  I drive the sharp end of the crowbar through the crab’s face. It squeals and dies.

  I hear Pepper’s scream back at the warehouse entrance. “Aiiiighhh!” A pause. “Wait! I’m alive!”

  I check the room. Dead crabs and green goo are everywhere. I’m also treated to an eviscerated penguin on the floor next to two bloody, bearded old corpses wearing matching soiled loincloths. I have to admit, even though I’m looking at my own dead body, my abs look great.

  Time to loot some crab corpses. I walk over their dead bodies and my HUD flashes.

  

  Murder Payday! 100XP | 500 gold (+50%)

  Treasure: Crab Claw x3

  Crab Meat x 3

  Dead Fish x 3

  Badge Unlocked! In Triplicate

  Nice work, Rambo! You killed 3 mobs on your own! Let’s see how much longer you last!

  Before I have time to wonder what a mob is, a shining gold cube appears on the floor where the crab corpses were.

  

  Congratulations! Your first LootBox!

  +100 gold for virgins! Time to start figuring out what you want to keep in those inventory slots, Richie Rich!

  Rare LootBox (60-minute countdown)

  I try to open the loot box, but it won’t budge. There’s some kind of lime-lock display on the lid, counting down from 59:59. Damn.

  I hear Pepper approaching up the stairs, so I pick up a barrel and thunk it down over her corpse as she enters the room. She doesn’t need to see that; she’s only one year old.

  “DDD! You’re alive! How did you…” She looks around the room. “Oh my goodness! How did you…”

  Doom. 1993. The first two-player video game. I remember playing it with Brad Skaggs. If you went into a room and died, the monsters reset. But if your partner survived and you made it back to the room in time, the dead ones stayed dead. Looks like the old rules hold true.

  

  31 minutes, 33 seconds until Game Begins

  I can beat this quest, but there’s no way I can finish it in 30 minutes if all I’m going to get is crab claws as loot. If I’m going to do this, I’ve gotta be quick.

  Time for a speed run.

  I sprint full-tilt through the next warehouse room, dodging past the giant crabs. My Evade +5 skill comes in handy and I make it to the fourth room before I get killed.

  

  

  This time, I make it to the seventh room, memorizing as much of the layout as I can.

  

  

  Each time, I make it a little farther into the warehouse. I find a secret passage at the end of a hallway that looks promising.

  

  

  I make it to the second floor. I get tired of pressing Y/N to collect every item I come across, find an Autocollect button in the inventory, and now I automatically pick up everything I touch. It doesn’t do me much good; I wind up with 20 fishy bits, 3 candlesticks, and a wooden spoon.

  

  

  My head pops off and flips into a fountain. Frustrated, I try using my MacHack skill to make an Improvised Gizmo with the loot I’ve collected, and it creates a new item: Crab Salad.

  Unhelpful.

  

  4 minutes, 22 seconds until Game Begins

  

  Pepper gets tired and goes to wait outside.

  

  

  I finally find something interesting: a dumbwaiter.

  The warehouse is 5 stories tall, and the big prize is probably on the top floor. To get there, I would need to dodge my way through another hundred rooms, and there’s no way I can survive that.

  But this is supposed to be a heist mission, which means there’s a secret way to sneak in, and the dumbwaiter looks like just the ticket.

  It’s locked, but I use the crowbar to pry it open. I jam myself in the little elevator and pulley my way up to the fifth floor. I quietly open the door to see a mega-Crab the size of a VW Bug.

  

  Sheriff Hardcase lvl6 Quest Boss

  1000 pounds of armored crabmeat, 10% percent badge, 90% percent spite. Hardcase’s catchphrase is “You have the right to remain delicious.” Crabs fear him. Lobsters hate him. Shrimp call him ‘sir.’ Hardcase doesn’t answer to anyone; he is the Long Arm of the Claw.

  And he’s facing the wrong way.

  A big double door is on the far side of the room. Hardcase is guarding it. But I’m behind him.

  

  1 minute, 1 second until Game Begins

  Right in front of me, on a pedestal, is a glowing orb that reads Mysterious Oolith.

  I slip out of the dumbwaiter and snatch the orb.

  Alarms suddenly blare all around me. Sheriff Hardcase turns, surprised, and charges at me with that one giant claw snapping.

  I jump out the window.

  It’s a five-story drop, and I have just enough time to see the handholds on the outside of the building. “Ohh, I could have climbed down.”

  I splatter on the sidewalk.

  

  You Are Dead.

  

  I respawn at the warehouse entry. I grab Pepper, who’s half-asleep, and hustle around to the back of the warehouse where the glowing orb waits on the street. I pick it up.

  

  VICTORY!

  You completed the Quest before any Player Party! Congratulations, you are the best in the world at turning dying into winning!

  Quest Payday! 700XP | 1000 gold (+50%)

  No-Kill Solution +1

  Treasure! Trickster Elixir (1/5)

  Badge Unlocked! No Participation Trophy

  Before I have time to wonder what a Trickster Elixir is, the Oolith orb turns semi-transparent and reveals something inside: a football-sized egg. What the hell?

  

  Quest Prize!

  The Incredible Inedible Egg—Hardcase’s Mysterious Oolith seems to be an impenetrable force field for something truly precious: an egg! What could be inside? A dragon? A T. rex? A thousand baby spiders? No one knows! Keep the egg safe until it hatches, because whoever is holding it when this baby’s (assumedly) adorable head pokes out for the first time, it will bond with them for all time! But be careful! What’s inside will be influenced by your actions, behavior, and attitude! The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

  Quest Prize!

  Sailor Man Swagger You am what you am, you’re a pop-eyed seaman! You are always ready to fight and win because you eat your vegetables! Don’t eat too much olive oil!

  Anchor Tattoo: Strength +1

  5 Cans of Spinach: Strength x3 for 10 minutes (consumable)

  I feel a sizzle on my forearm as an old-fashioned anchor tattoo etches itself in blue ink, and my Strength stat goes to 2.

  Huh. GenX was the first generation to get tattoos en masse, but I never got one. Not sure how I feel about getting tatted by force. But more strength is never a bad thing.

  

  LEVEL UP!

  Congratulations! You reached a new level of excellence! You are now Hermit: Level 2

  Health Bar Capacity +10%

  Stamina +1

  Agility +1

  Evade +1

  Forage/Scrounge +1

  Skill Tree Advancement

  Chester Copperpot +10% Map Range

  Hey You Guys! +25%

  I breathe a sigh of relief and sag against the warehouse.

  Not bad. I didn’t get many items for my MacHack skill, but with the crowbar and the Strength buffs, I might actually be able to win a fight or two. I’m curious about the Oolith. I was expecting Excalibur or some magic weapon, not a baby ostrich. How long until the egg hatches? And when it does, what will be inside?

  

  Warning: 10 Seconds to Game Start

  

  “Oh look!” Pepper giggles. “Everything’s changing! It’s so pretty!”

  She’s right. My dashboard thingy is going crazy. The map, inventory, and displays all blink and are replaced with a more stylish design. It looks like a last-minute upgrade before the game launches.

  

  LL Respawn:

  My display flashes and I see something new come up beside my Health bar.

  

  LivingLegendLifeLimit ?? ?? ??

  Three lives. Just like Donkey Kong.

  The infinity symbol is gone. My respawns are gone.

  That’s not good.

  That’s really, really, really not good.

  

  ALERT: RiftBorn Begins in

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