What is wrong with me? Yeah, it’s about time we got existential, and the first question of the day is, what’s wrong with me? No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to grasp any form of magic. According to everyone, there is essentially an infinite number of types of magic and I’m infinitely bad at it, apparently.

  At the present moment we are on the way to a Minor Arcana meeting that’s happening here in Anz?. Apart from Prisha and the victim of the serial killer we came across the other night, I haven’t actually met any members of the Minor Arcana. Also, I’m not entirely sure what they actually do. In the meanwhile though, they are trying to give me a lecture on magic.

  “My magic only works because I truly understand the thing I’m describing.” Dardania finishes up the description of her word magic, which I didn’t quite understand.

  “I’m not following.” I respond aloud.

  “Words are entirely made up, but the thing or action they describe isn’t. For example, I say the word gust and we know exactly what it is I’m describing. I can picture it very clearly, and if need be I could describe it in a handful of words. But, let’s say disembowel, I know what the words means but it’s not something I have ever seen or experienced, so by using the word no action will occur. I can only recreate and manipulate something I have experienced and truly understand. It’s akin to writing, I can’t write and describe something if I have no experience with it whatsoever. Make sense?”

  I nod, I think I understand what she is saying. I imagine it to be like writing a novel. You have to be able to picture the thing yourself in order to be able to write it and describe it. At least, that’s the way I understand it.

  “Personally, I use physical magic. I have an understanding of the laws of physics, and because of that I can understand how to manipulate it. Though, I’m not an expert so there isn’t too much I can actually do. So I kinda have to perfect the things I do know.” Madison says, though she immediately gets lost in thought. I know she wasn’t a scientist prior to coming here, so I can understand why she would have so many limitations to what should would know in regards to physics.

  “The only thing I really knew anything about was some stars and the Zodiac.”

  “I don’t know any time of magic pertaining to celestial bodies, but the Zodiac is a thing, but not something any of us can use.” Prisha responses. “Further in the west there are twelve families who each have a power that is passed down through the family, and only by blood. Each one of the twelve families is represented by one of the Zodiac. There is supposedly a talisman called the Orb of Tetrabiblos that can absorb the power of each and then grants the user the power of all twelve.”

  “That sounds cool, I want do that!” That is literally the perfect thing for me. Literal Zodiac magic, take me there and inject it directly into my veins.

  “Except you’re not related to any of them by blood and there is no way of knowing if the orb even really exists or is just a myth. Besides, getting to that country is quite a trek.”

  “Interestingly,” Dardania begins, “it’s the only country in the world that is not under the control of the Order. Granted the Zodiac make up the nobility and they’re in charge, so it’s not exactly a free nation.”

  “So, corruption and capitalism.” I respond nonchalantly.

  “I don’t know what capitalism is, but absolutely rife with corruption. Oh, it looks like we are here.” Dardania motions towards a cafe in front of us and starts walking towards it.

  “So, I’m just screwed then.” I say, still completely lost in regards to what kind of magic I can do.

  “Yep pretty much.” Avis remarks as he walks past me with Trevor in tow and follows Dardania in to the cafe.

  “Thanks for nothing sir!”

  “Don’t worry, you will eventually figure it out. It just takes time. Perhaps meditate on it.” Prisha leaves me in the lurch as she joins everyone else in the cafe. Oh wonderful, so I need to sit and contemplate my existence or figure out who I am or whatever and then I can figure out what kind of magic I can do? That should be fun.

  ****

  So, the Minor Arcana. According to the Order they are terrorists. According to themselves they are freedom fighters. I suppose in the end the difference is only decided by who actually wins the battle. I’ve never found myself on the other end of an organization that was dubbed as terrorists, which really makes me consider everything I’ve been taught about terrorism.

  “Thank you all for coming. There are two things we specifically want to address at today’s meeting.” A nondescript blonde hair man stands at the front of the cafe, ready to address the rest of the room.

  There wasn’t exactly a giant crowd of people, but there was probably about two dozen people currently in attendance. Some of them I recognize from the town meeting that happened the day after the murder.

  “First, I want to address what happened in Enkidu.” Immediately there was chatter among the people, some even got a little riled up over it. “The Touched brazenly attacked several members of the Major Arcana in broad daylight in a free city. It’s clear that they are escalating their attacks against us. Which means we in return must do the same.”

  “Is meeting their aggression with our own the best way to approach this?” A woman asks from the back corner of the cafe.

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  “What would you have us do?” He gently questions in response. The woman takes a moment to consider his question before answering herself.

  “Well, are we not better? Do we not choose to take the route that consists of the least amount of damage and violence?”

  “So we just let them kill us?” Avis asks his question, his voice aggressive.

  “No, of course not.”

  “Then what? When someone comes at you with a giant axe, you say, ‘Hey wait a second I need to be the bigger person?”

  “No, that’s not what I mean-”

  “Then why say it? When someone declares war on you, you can’t choose nonviolence when they actively have. Otherwise, you’ll die.” Avis crosses his arms and turns back towards the front, clearly having said his peace. The woman stands there speechless for a few moments before sitting down and deciding to not continue.

  “Look, if we could solve this with diplomacy and pacifism we would. I don’t think anyone here wants to fight, but when it’s the language of our oppressors we have no choice but to speak it.” He stops talking for a second, takes a deep breath, and then begins again. “Second, now that the Magician is in play, almost the entirety of the Major Arcana have returned. My guess is that this is why they have escalated the conflict.”

  “I mean, what does that matter?” I question, but speaking to myself. Everyone in the cafe turns towards me. Did I say that loud enough for everyone to hear me? Oops, totally didn’t mean to interrupt.

  “Well, I would assume that they fear that if the Major Arcana are in full force that Tabathia could return. That we will finally have enough power to enact true change. That’s my best guess though.”

  I kinda tuned out the next part of the meeting. They went into much more specific detail on their plans to derail the Order, infiltrate the camps, yada yada, and yada yada. Not to sound horrible, it didn’t pertain to me so I didn’t quite catch it all. Okay, call me self centered, that’s fine. I did pick up some information and come to some conclusions.

  The Swords, they were the part of the Minor Arcana that did all the dirty violent work. Usually the ones that would attack members of the order, burn down churches, etc. You know, the ones who might use swords.

  The Wands focus was on intelligence. They had a network of spies and informants all over the continent. They disseminate this information to the rest of the organization. They also attempt to spread propaganda to turn people away from the Order.

  The Cups are all about charity. They try to use what power and resources they do have in order to help those in need. Not everyone that receives their help is a victim of the Order either. They just try to put out good into the world anyway they can.

  Lastly, we have the Pentacles. Their focus is twofold. Their first goal is research and magic. They seek out ancient history to further understand our world, as well as discover what existed prior to the Order. In regards to magic they are attempting to discover new forms of magic not yet discovered. On the other hand they also attempt reconstruction. To try and undo the damage brought on by the Order, but this goal has mostly been a failure. They don’t have the resources to combat the destruction of the Order, so any rebuilding has been extremely slow.

  I got the gist of what all the organization does, but I have no clue what their next steps are. We didn’t really come today to offer our services, we were just hoping to pick up some information about our current serial killer and any next steps the Order might be taking.

  Personally, I can’t stop thinking about the magic problem.

  Honestly, the title of the Magician is the only time I’ve truly felt like I had a place.

  My entire life leading up to this point was just me chasing one label after another. From child, to student, to gay guy, and so on and so forth. I’ve tried on so many different hats in the journey to fit in that I never quite figured out which one of those hats was right for me.

  I never had any real interests or things I was drawn to outside of fantasy and the stars. I honestly think that my attachment to anime and fantasy was because I never felt like I fit in. No matter how hard I tried I could never find the place where I fit just right. So, I chose to get lost in other words and pretend like I was the one on those journeys you had in any RPG or Final Fantasy game and I could get lost for days or even weeks on end.

  I know it’s selfish of me to be focusing on this rather than paying attention to all the troubles going on in the world, but I can’t help it. If I can’t even figure myself out, how am I supposed to go and solve anyone else’s problems?

  “James?” Madison was attempting to get my attention.

  “What? I’m here.” I lie. It appears that the official meeting had ended and everyone was breaking apart into groups to plan and socialize.

  “It’s time to head out.” I follow behind Madison as we all make our exit from the cafe.

  I catch the gaze of the women who started the debate with Avis, but she immediately just looked at the floor the moment our eyes met. Perhaps she felt ashamed or something for her questions? I get where she was coming from, and the same with Avis. He’s seen more than most, so his view will generally be drastically different than theirs.

  “Well…. I didn’t really catch much. Was it useful?” I confess my distraction. Avis nudges me gently with a smile.

  “Yeah, no shit. It’s clear you were lost in your world there most of the time.”

  “Honestly, I’m just kinda struggling with the whole magic thing.”

  “Just cause you can’t do it?”

  “No.” I stare at my feet as we walk through the street. “Madison, Dardania, and Prisha all learned magic that was somehow deeply connected to them. Dardania with her word magic and her love of history and stories being the prime example. And I—”

  I stop walking, everyone continues on, but Avis stops with me.

  “I don’t even know who I am.”

  “You’re James. I thought you knew that.” Avis smirks. I know he’s trying to make a joke, but it didn’t really life my spirits.

  “I never found anything that felt like me. Everything I did was because other people told me I should. I spent my entire life trying to fit in and do what was expected and now that I stand here trying to figure out what I would mesh with best, and I’m lost.”

  “Do you know why I use knives?” Avis asks before pulling out his knifes, spinning it in his hand, and then putting it back in it’s sheath. I shake my head.

  “Because I always want to see the eyes of the person I’m facing. I never want to be so far away that if I have to kill, I can look them in the eyes when I do it. It’s fucked up, I know. But I never want to take a life in the first place, but at least this way if I do, we will always know one another when it happens.”

  “You’re kind of a softy aren’t you?” I smile at him.

  “If you tell anyone I’ll hit you.” He smiles in return. “My point is, you may not have a label for who you are, but deep down you know who.”

  “Is there a gay magic? I can do that.” I joke, kinda. It would be nice if there was such a thing, it’s the one thing I am certain of.

  “Um… don’t think so. Fucking men may be magical, but it’s not exactly magic.”

  “Damn. It’s was my only option.”

  “Well, sorry I guess.”

  We continue walking for a few minutes in silence as I contemplate what he said. Every day I am continuing to be surprised by him. I assumed his choice in weapon was random, I never once considered that it may be something emotional.

  “You will figure it out, I promise.” Avis smiles softly at me.

  “Okay sir, you are being too soft and emotional and it might be freaking me out a little bit.”

  “Oh shut up, you like it.” Avis nudges me again as we continue walking behind the rest of the group.

  He’s right though, I will figure it out. At some point, somehow.