Chapter 44
After getting a few well-deserved punches from me, this Brutus reincarnate and his brother bolted in some unknown direction. They left the knife as a gift. Pretty damn rude, considering I gave it to them in the first place. You don’t regift presents, or people will stop buying socks. Then sock makers will have to retool for nuclear weapons. And they should… Fuck a world without socks. See… In this state, I can’t even crack a decent joke.
Alright… I’ve thought about the important stuff, now I need to figure out how not to die. Again… This topic’s stuck at the top of my brain’s charts. So, here’s the deal: I’ve got a punctured lung. Feels pretty clear. Breathing’s gotten real fucking hard. Good thing he missed my heart, or I’d be collecting plankton at the bottom of the sea. Can’t pull the knife out… Or should I? Fuck if I know… Don’t even have a coin to flip. Wait, as Two-Face, I should get a coin! Fine, I’ll use this rock. If it lands on girl, don’t pull. If boy, do it. I closed my eyes and tossed the rock. Hard… With my patented seizure technique. It smashed the face of that little Helen of Troy. That idiot didn’t move her body. Wanted to bury her later? Maybe set up a nice gravestone, visit every year, bring flowers. Ugh… These fucking kid demons are driving me nuts… So what if I killed a few brats? Do I have to flee to Bruges now?
Okay, gotta do something… I’m not fixing this alone. The most logical way would be to patch my existence to a version that doesn’t need breathing. But there’s another option—go back to where I started.
Soon, every healer in Narnia’s gonna show up, and besides me, this amusement park’s got no rides left. Except maybe those two demon larvae, but they’re probably dead. So, who’s in my way? They’ll help me.
Standing was way harder than I expected. My head spun. Minus thirty to endurance is no joke. I leaned against the wall and tried walking. Step by step… Step by step… Breathing’s getting tougher. I’m low on oxygen. I’m passing out. No, damn it… Can’t let that happen. Another unhinged chapter’s too much. Think! Gotta shut down useless organs. Maybe they’ll stop hogging oxygen. Liver, you’re fucking useless here! Probably… I don’t even know what a liver does. Think it’s there so people die from vodka. Same with kidneys. They’re for dying from a good kicking. What else? Stomach—fuck off! What’s next? Scanning the nervous system. That thing near the stomach’s eating too much energy. Off! Something else… Spleen, right. Fuck the spleen! Thyroid—fuck it! Bladder—fuck it! Balls—f… Nah, keep those. Clamp all non-essential arteries with muscles. Shut off useless muscles. Switch to manual leg control. Good… Head’s clearing a bit. But I won’t last long like this. Gotta get out of this house fast. Why’s this corridor so damn long? Was it always? Or did the devs extend it while I was out? Wouldn’t be shocked if traps popped up or I ended up back where I started. The pale light at the end wouldn’t get closer. Stubborn bastard… Is it that hard?
I can’t reach the wall like this, but maybe I don’t need to. The ambulance will hit the city first. So, I need a spot where they’ll see me right away. Another question: when are they coming? It’s been a while since I killed those two demons by the wall. Plus, I don’t know how long I was out. No choice either way. Here’s to luck… Wait, thinking about it, maybe I shouldn’t bother. Ugh… Spin the wheel of Samsara!
With a shit-ton of effort, I made it outside. Should I keep going? Would be nice, but I doubt I can. Most noticeable spot… Fuck knows where that is. Hard to stand out as a half-dead corpse in a sea of bodies. But I’ve got an idea…
No clue how much time passed. I fought for every second, cutting my body’s energy use to the bone. One lung kept working, but blood was slowly leaking from my veins. No way to do a transfusion. I’d need a live demon, but I made sure none were left. So unthoughtful… Next time, I’ll leave one alive.
As my consciousness was about to bail, they showed up. Did luck finally get its ass off my face? A few dozen demons marched down the street, looking freaked the fuck out by the scene. They were still far, and I had no strength to yell. I was on the edge. But I could hear them.
- Holy doggos, what the fuck happened here? Alright, split up. Look for survivors. Or at least fresh corpses.
- Sir, look. Something’s written on the house.
- A message? Read it aloud.
- “Sale! Today only! Tender, juicy human meat, half price. Hurry, limited offer!” And an arrow pointing down.
- What the hell…? They were selling humans? Idiots. Go check it out.
- Yes, sir…
Perfect! Plan worked! I’m a fucking marketing genius! Come on… Faster… I’m about to kick the bucket. Yes! Good! Running’s way faster than walking. Nice job! Run over here, that’s it. Wait, he’s running too fast. Hey, dude… I get it, emergency and all, but slow down! And don’t look at me like that. Uh… He doesn’t seem keen on saving me. Shit, forgot about the hostility penalty… I`m fucking idiot…
The demon, drooling with glee, rushed to greet me with a handshake. He liked my hand so much he decided to keep it. My outstretched arm flew off somewhere. Then my organs, bones, muscles, and shit followed. Last thought before dying: “Damn, my intestines are long… How’d they fit in me? Cool…”
Stolen novel; please report.
That’s the sad end of this not-so-bright but very cheerful guy. Shame, no stats at the end. Oh well… Thanks for all. Curtains, black screen, credits…
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Starring:
Elon --- Colin Farrell
Grok --- Vin Diesel
Vayer --- Tom Cruise
Mary --- Margot Robbie
Ksiron --- Jamie Foxx
Nimus --- Daniel Radcliffe
Cerberus Right Head --- Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Kalh --- Jason Statham
Aiden --- Morgan Freeman
Ksafrax --- Adam Driver
Ash --- Russell Crowe
Erik --- Jordan Prentice
Also: Tom Hardy as Kalid, Emilia Clarke as Lily, Benedict Cumberbatch as Cerberus Middle Head, Jennifer Lawrence as Cerberus Left Head, and Billie Eilish as Random Succubus.
Director --- Wes Anderson
Producer --- Zack Snyder
Music --- Ennio Morricone
Screenwriter --- #&%#&# !+&!@$ *#@@& *$^#&#*&@ *#$$&!=$(#($
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I flew through deep darkness into the void. My body was gone, just peace. A boundless sense of freedom wrapped around me. I became something else. Something non-physical. My memories started dissolving, slipping like sand through my hands. One by one, they turned to smoke. Far ahead, a light appeared. A tiny, bright spot, like a North Star, rushed toward me. It grew, reaching out. Faster and faster… The space around me became a long tunnel with light at the end. Incredible… I could smell the salty sea breeze, when suddenly a brute force yanked me back. What’s happening? The light’s fading… Memories are returning. No! Not this! The sea! Let me go! I want the sea! But no matter how I fought, it was useless. An unstoppable, merciless force dragged me back with cruel relentlessness.
I opened my eyes. A gaunt, vile demon stood before me, his gaze burning with bloodlust. His smile screamed insanity. Behind him, more demons glared with the same malice.
- Ooooh, yesss… Been a while since I felt this. – He purred with delight.
Before I could think, his bony claws ripped out my throat.
Curtains. Black screen. Credits…
Here we go… Long black tunnel, my soul soaring through. No clue what’s up… Fuck it… The sea’s waiting! I neared the light, but this time it reeked of shit. No way it just takes a nervous system. No! I panicked, but that incomprehensible force yanked me back again. Phew… Thanks… Thought I’d be reborn as a dung beetle. Though, maybe that’s better than what I’ve got now.
I opened my eyes and… Curtains. Credits…
This is getting annoying. Am I saved right before death? Is this karmic torture? Reliving my death over and over? For drawing a dick on the ground? Did my doodles come to life? Should’ve drawn tits. Never go wrong with tits.
This time, I didn’t even open my eyes. Seriously… What’s going on? Is he resurrecting me? Is that even possible? Hmm… I’m still asking dumb questions… If it’s happening, it’s possible. He’s reviving me to kill me again, getting off on it. Probably a general. This’ll go on ‘til his mana runs out. If I reach that light, maybe the revive timer stops. He’s keeping my soul somehow. Turns out, I’ve got one. Fun fact.
Open my eyes—death… Groundhog Day from hell, damn it… How do I stop this? My body’s in too many pieces to do anything. But wait… Open my eyes… Both eyes! It’s obvious! Death’s just a fancy word. It comes from damage incompatible with life. So, to resurrect, he’s gotta fix that damage. Meaning: he heals me before reviving. So, I can definitely fuck him up in that split second. Wonder how much mana I’ve got after coming back…?
Open my eyes—ZAP! Fifty percent mana for one hit. The general flew back a few meters. Nice, revival comes with a full mana bar. Handy for boss fights. Mana runs out as a DPS? Kill, revive, back in. Accelerate thinking! Thirty-four demons in range. Quick scan shows no body issues. I’m fully healthy. Hell’s healthcare system is top-tier. Awww yeah… Time to drop the biggest shit pile on the local king’s desk!
Demons charged. All unarmed, no magic. I dodged their first attacks, then landed quick, precise neck strikes with electric bursts. These nightmare-looking fuckers are actually soft and squishy. Yep… All the demons here are damn healers. Time to turn on anus-domination mode!
I went berserk. My daggers sang a hymn of death. Blood sprayed with each swift strike. With my agility and body control, these losers had no chance. Strike, another strike, dodge, leap. Minus one. Minus two… three… five… eight… Demons dropped with fried brains, like a flock of drunk albatrosses. I didn’t even notice the grin on my blood-soaked face. Time for you to fly through that damn tunnel too.
I kept dishing out payback when every nerve in my body lost its shit. Reports said every cell was collapsing at breakneck speed. I couldn’t handle the signal flood. My defenses crashed with an epic thud. Hellish pain exploded across every inch of my body, and then…
Fuck… That tunnel again. What the hell happened? I just… died. Just like that. Like the admin descended to ban my sorry ass. No contact… No magic… Just death. Fucking weird. And so damn unfair! Hey, assholes! Decided to cancel me? I’m not Kevin Spacey! I’ll cancel you, fuckers! Wait… What’d they do? Shit… Don’t remember… But something bad. I was pissed, but now I’m just… whatever… Light’s coming. Smell… Smell of pussy? No joke? Jackpot! I’ll be human! I’m flying! Flyyyyying! Fly… No, not again! No no no! Let me go! Leave me alone! Take your… whatever it is. Take your magic off me! Nooo…
I opened my eyes, and miracle of miracles—no one killed me. I hung chained to that long wall outside the city. The bony asshole stood before me. Almost all the healers I killed were behind him, like they never died.
- Who are you? – The general asked, exhaling raw fury into the air.
- I’m out of witty answers for that tired question.
- Answer! Or you’ll feel pain you can’t imagine.
Oh, I can imagine. I nearly lost my mind back then. I was legit scared. Last death, the pain was about 261 on a ten-point scale.
- Hurry! My patience is running thin! – He stepped close and grabbed my throat. – Answer!
How do I answer when you’re choking me?
- Healing magic doesn’t just heal. I can kill you any second without touching you. Then revive you and do it again. Forever… So answer! Who are you, human with demon blood? What happened here? Who killed all these demons?
- Uh… how… – I forced words through my crushed throat. – …how’s… your… reac…tion…?
- What? – He didn’t get it.
- Look… – I nodded sideways. – Elephant in sneakers…
The general stared at me like I was nuts for a whole second but couldn’t resist and turned his head. The moment he did, I disintegrated the shackles and jammed my finger into his ear with all my strength. His head exploded in a bloody firework right in my face. Elephant in sneakers… Works every time.
