"It's empty!"

  And indeed empty it was. An array of tall gothic windows made the hall look even more empty. Apart from a couple of tables for flower pots, some paintings on premium wallpapered walls and the lifted podium positioned at the end of the hall, the room was empty. The butlers were almost done folding the chairs and putting them away.

  Hal, still unable to talk, waved his arms around out of frustration before putting his palms together next to his cheek, signaling "You idiots, we overslept."

  Not long after, the lord of the manor showed up. Like all nobles, before talking he first inspected his guests to know what tone to use. Other than Hal's weirdly bumpy cloak they looked proper, especially Amelie with her new dress.

  "Welcome, my dear guests. Did you come for the auction?"

  Vex put on a deep voice, thinking of it as "negotiation tactics".

  "Why yes, kind sir. I'm Emperor Vortex the Unyielding. Me and my vassals came to your auction looking for a particular piece."

  "Oh, I'm sorry. The auction is already over."

  "As a fellow aristocrat I'll respect your time and get straight to the point. So old man, the deal is we need to know who's the geezer that bought my servant's robes. They were advertised as the main piece."

  Lord Gils' eyelid started to twitch after hearing Vex's sudden change of tone, but he kept his respectful side of the conversation.

  "Well, I decided not to sell the star robes. My daughter has taken a liking to them. You could even say she's obsessed."

  Hal quickly took out his notebook and wrote in huge letters:

  "WE ARE THE CREATORS"

  "Not to seem disrespectful, but I don't believe you. You? A couple of punks, created that masterpiece."

  Amelie interrupted.

  "The robes are enchanted by the power of the stars. It's incredibly important we get them back!"

  "You know what, children, I'll humor you. If you can prove you're the creators, I'll let you talk to my daughter and if she decides to give you the robes, I'll only ask for 1000 gold."

  Vex got furious.

  "But we sold them only for 100!"

  "Oh, so you know their price. Well, it's not enough proof you created them. Also it's an incredible piece. I'm sure it'll increase in price to at least 2000 gold in a year or two. My other son, who's a painter, heard a lot of rumors about the "map art" duo. He says they'll be written about in history books!"

  Vex raised his eyebrows and gave him a wide stare while thinking. It was a first time he actually deserved the praise, even if it was only because of a fluke.

  "That dick. Why do I need to prove myself? I'll make him pay. I'll make him feel the embarrassment he made me feel. I'll make him ashamed of this art thing."

  He fixed his posture and expression to seem professional again.

  "Fine. We are master artists. It's no big deal to create a new piece. After we're done you can determine if we're the real deal."

  Before leaving, Amelie gave Lord Gils an intense stare. Ironically it made Gils' heart warm.

  They left the mansion and got supplies for a new piece. They settled on working in the park, afraid of going back to the inn after getting yelled at by the owner. Parchment after parchment, they were unable to get the style right. Vex got sick of it. He drew a massive dick and decided it was good enough.

  Alixa and her goons watched from afar. After Vex's group left the park she picked up an old map he threw away. Alixa was astonished. It was an actual treasure map that Vex bought before even meeting Hal. And all the faded parts were redrawn correctly. At the top "XAE998" was written. It could mean only one thing.

  "It's... It's a treasure map for a lost artifact!"

  She jumped out of excitement.

  "He's stupid enough to throw it away. I can't believe it. Even if it's not useful, lost artifacts go for an insane amount of gold."

  Her goons tried to mirror their master's emotion.

  Lost artifacts were indeed a rarity. They were mysterious objects thought to be made by ancient civilizations and they worked mysteriously without any Chaos. The whole kingdom of Aldrich had only one. They were usually one-use machines, but their power could tip the scales of whole wars.

  "Maybe I can use the lost artifact to kill him."

  Her female servant interrupted her joy with confusion.

  "Uhh... a lost?"

  It was Alixa's mistake and she knew it. Giving this kind of information to lackeys could be critical. The whole concept of lost artifacts was extremely confidential, not to mention information on their locations. Alixa tried to fix her slip-up.

  "Lost his map. I meant that idiot lost his treasure map. Anyway, let's find the treasure."

  Alixa's goons were confused by the sudden change of direction from her. She was relentless in her mission, usually putting herself and the duo in uncomfortable situations to gain even minuscule advantages, and suddenly she decided to look for a treasure from a throwaway map! They felt that something was not right, but followed her reluctantly. They found a secluded spot and Alixa started deciphering the map. She put her lackeys to secure the area, but in reality she didn't want them getting any unnecessary info.

  ?????

  With the confidence of a lion, clutching the parchment, Vex rang the bell of Gils' mansion. The butlers let them in.

  "Lord Gils will be with you shortly."

  A maid escorted them into a small dusty room that smelled stale. The group didn't feel as welcomed as before.

  Vex passed the time in his favorite way. He put on a massive forced smile and looked at Hal.

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  "So Hal, my dear genius tinker-master, got any ideas lord Gilliam the 3st doesn't like my artwork?"

  Hal was already over it. He didn't get mad or even annoyed at Vex poking fun of his condition, but decided to play the same game.

  Hal took out a pipe-shaped artifact and aimed it at Vex. Vex laughed.

  "So you're threatening me now? C'mon man, I know it's just a bluff."

  Hal shut one eyelid and started aiming at Vex. He got serious and felt concern.

  "It's not even funny."

  Hal proceeded to crank a dial on the artifact. It started making a high-pitched noise.

  "Stop man."

  Hal cranked even further.

  "I'm sorry, ok?"

  Vex was actually scared. He thought Hal had gone mad. He swiftly ran behind a table, preparing to hide if Hal wasn't joking.

  "That's not what I came here to see. Please STOPPPPP."

  Hal pressed a button. A loud bass blasted the room without damaging anything in it. Vex jumped on the ground, knocking a bottle of ink over. After the sound was gone, Vex, lying belly-up, opened his eyes. In the same instance ink started dripping from the knocked-over bottle and got right into his eyes.

  "Ahhhh I can't see, I can't see."

  Hal couldn't remember the last time he felt this satisfied. If he could laugh right now the whole town could probably hear him. He felt the pressure in his mouth tearing his cheeks.

  Vex rubbed his eyes but it didn't help. Amelie, hiding behind a chair, stepped out and got a water cup that was sitting on the table. She ran to her lord and shouted:

  "Lord, open your eyes. I'll clean them!"

  Vex trusted his squire and opened his eyes. Amelie poured the whole contents of the cup right on his face.

  "Ahhh it burnnnsss!"

  Hal could barely breathe. If only he could talk, he could've warned them it was not water, but an invisible ink used for confidential letters. Nobles usually put it in everyday-looking containers so nosey spies wouldn't know they were writing a secret letter.

  After getting enough from this situation Hal brought actual water and cleaned Vex's eyes. They were swollen. He could barely see anything. The ink didn't make him blind, it was only a dramatic reaction. But the chemical reaction between the two inks really irritated his tissues.

  "Lord, what are we going to do now?"

  "Amelie, I can't sell it looking like THIS. You are going to have to take the lead on this operation. Are you capable?"

  Amelie puffed her chest, which did almost nothing due to her flat figure, planted her feet at shoulder width and crossed her arms. She squinted, imagining it looking like a tough glare, her twin tails waving back and forth as if she was on a windy mountain. In actuality she looked more like a kitten pretending to be a lion.

  "As capable as ever, SIR!"

  They tidied up. Amelie prepared herself. Her hands were shaking. She calmed herself by thinking:

  "My Lord gave me a mission. I have to succeed. I'm Amelie the all-capable squire!"

  Not long after, Lord Gils came through the door. He wasn't rushing, but he stopped dead when he saw his premium blutceder desk smudged in ink, Vex's swollen raccoon eyes, Hal's tomato red face and Amelie standing before the entrance as if she was guarding the room.

  Amelie quickly thrust the rolled parchment right into Gils' face. Or at least as far as she could reach.

  "Behold! The Tower of Destiny! A divine vision granted by the stars themselves!"

  Gils, even more annoyed now, swiped the parchment from Amelie's hands. He unfolded it slowly and took a long look. His eyebrows tilted outwards and his mouth fell wide open. Amelie could swear she even saw a tiny teardrop roll down his cheek. There it was, right on the parchment: a crude dick that turned out more like a sublime tower looking over the ocean, hairy balls resembling cliffs ridden with shrubs. And the magnificent tip - Gils imagined it looking like a golden centerpiece lighting up the sky. With a dramatic waver he asked.

  "Wavel... How did you know? My family comes from that place. I remember visiting it as a child before... We even used the tower as a family crest before it became that symbol."

  Amelie nodded solemnly. Gils wheezed a chuckle that turned into a full belly laugh.

  "I understand. Please accept my apologies for doubting your integrity. This is perfect! I've got to find the right place for this."

  "Hang it and the spirits will guide your destiny!"

  Vex stepped up and interrupted Amelie.

  "Sooooo Mr Lord, what about the payment?"

  Vex's eye's were still puffy, but the black ink made them look more like a fashion choice now. Gils was a little startled at a closer sight, but his appreciation for the artwork was stronger.

  "Ahahaha, forget it! Just take those old robes if Pila agrees. I'll go summon her."

  Right after Gils exited the room to summon his daughter the trio celebrated by holding hands in a circle and jumping around.

  Gils entered Pila's room. Pila looked like those art snobs. Septum piercing, neon-colored hair streaks, poorly done questionable tattoos on her flabby skin, one of them being "live laugh lobotomy", ripped clothes covered in patches supporting questionable political movements.

  "Dear, I have a surprise for you!"

  "So like, what is it daddy?"

  "I have found the map artist duo. They want to buy back their robes."

  "So like no way. Uh uh."

  Gils unfolded his new art piece. Pila almost fainted. She covered her eyes.

  "I've. Gotta. See. Them. NOW."

  She put on Amelie's robes and sprinted away, not even knowing what room her beloved "artists" were in.

  The door creaked as she opened it, alerting the trio. She stepped in and got into a quantum state of fangirling and freezing before her heroes.

  "No. Fucking. Waaayyyy. You can't be... No... I must be dreaming."

  The group was shocked due to her appearance. Pila looked at Vex.

  "Hello, I'm Pila. I luv your makeup. It's SERVING."

  Vex awkwardly laughed. Her speech was unrecognizable to Hal. He nodded in agreement thinking of it as "passive negotiation tactics." Amelie almost understood her but wasn't sure how to tackle this kind of personality. Pila got emotional.

  "You like, changed my whole life gng. You. Are. VISIONARIES."

  Vex got tired of her act. He understood that Pila was willing to do anything for them.

  "Yeah yeah whatever. We need the robes, bitch."

  Without a second thought she undressed and tossed them, leaving her only in her panties.

  "This is like TRASH compared to your presence. They like SERVE but give off itchy."

  Amelie's jaw dropped. Her beloved robes were tossed away like garbage. She whispered into Vex's ear.

  "The stars don't like that stupid girl."

  Amelie quickly picked up her robes and clutched them dearly. Vex got a devious idea.

  "So... Pila. How would you like to help us make a new piece? A revolutionary masterpiece that generations after us will talk about."

  Pila almost fainted. She fell on her knees and proceeded to bow to her gods.

  "OMG Teach ME! I'll do like WHATEVER. Make me one of you!"

  Vex’s grin stretched ear to ear. He snatched a brush from the table, still wet with leftover ink.

  "Hold still. I'll make a divine piece out of you."

  He started doodling lazy swirls across her back, then spun her around. When he reached her chest he cupped one breast "for stability," squeezing just enough to leave no doubt about his priorities. Pila looked at him.

  "This spot needs a loooot of attention."

  Amelie was a little confused. This was supposed to be a punishment but Pila was amused. Hal had to hold back his laughter. His cheeks could hardly hold that pressure in his mouth.

  "And for the finishing piece..."

  Vex dragged the brush down her belly. As he got to her bellybutton Gils came back, filling the doorframe. He saw Vex grabbing his daughter's breast and reaching towards her crotch in front of an audience.

  "PILA! WHAT THE HELL? I TOLD YOU THIS ART CRAP WILL RUIN YOU. GUARDS!"

  Hal didn't hesitate. He put on goggles, took a ball from his belt and threw it at Gils as he was grabbing Pila's hand. The whole room erupted in green smoke, impossible to see through. Vex sighed.

  "Again? Just as I get to the good par—"

  Hal snatched him by the collar and dragged him to the window. Amelie was already there. The rush of adrenalin made Hal realize his lips were starting to get loose.

  "Hump aw fwee."

  "Hal, you can talk!"

  Vex wasn't sure if he understood right.

  "Wait wait wait... JUMP? DID I HEAR THAT RIGHT?"

  "Hus oo it."

  "Lord, the stars say to trust Hal!"

  Without any other options Vex decided to trust Hal. He understood that Hal was almost as selfish as him and wouldn't hurt himself if he didn't have to.

  "Fine."

  Hal opened the windows and threw another ball at the ground. But no smoke appeared.

  "One twoo fwee!"

  The trio jumped out of the third-story window, preparing for the worst. As they fell they began to gently slow down and landed with no injuries. Hal boasted:

  "This awtifact swows down vewticaw kinetic enewgy."

  "Whatever nerd, we need to RUN!"

  The trio ran and didn't stop until they were far from Culra.

  ?????

  Alixa and her goons found themselves in a deep forest before a massive stone slab half sunk into the ground.

  "It's sealed! That means it must be there. Go grab your pickaxes."

  "But miss, there must be some kind of way to open the vault!"

  Alixa looked at the scribbles on the tablet. It was an ancient tongue she wasn't familiar with.

  "It's just scribbles, you idiots. Now get to work."

  She unfolded her chair and started tanning while her subordinates were hard at work.