Liche was, exasperated. Whatever plan she may have had, was rendered moot by my actions. Though, she seemed a lot more concerned with my dignity than I was. After all, in my current state, could I even afford to have dignity?

  It isn’t like this is the first time I’ve ever had to bend over backwards or do questionable things to survive. Hell, Liche wasn’t even malicious with it. She had valid reasons to question me.

  Rather, if it were Him… He’d think they were stupid for not taking the chance to get blackmail material on me. Luckily, I wasn’t Him. Though…

  ‘You’re just like me.’ Those words still stuck with me. Burned and ached, like they were seared into my soul.

  As I was thinking, pondering, Liche spoke up with an exasperated sigh.

  “Why go so far? Is the division really worth that much to you? This job?” She pressed.

  I didn’t have to think hard, “Yes. Absolutely.”

  She gave me a look, like she was trying to glean something. “I know you, or at least, I think I understand you well enough… At least, I thought I did…” She says that final part quietly.

  “I’ve worked with people like you, people that push and push until they get what they want and yet… I’m now questioning that. I was expecting a lot, violence was the most likely option.”

  “You think that little of me?” I responded with.

  “I know how you got this position.” She said, levelling a glare at me.

  “It was the only option.”, I defended myself with.

  She sighed and waved her hand. “That’s not what I meant… What I mean is, this job shouldn’t be worth doing what you just did or even offered.”

  “You mean stripping and offering to let you take photos?”

  “Yes, exactly! That’s absolutely insane!”

  “But I had nothing to offer, and you did want sincerity. Actions serve as a better proof of sincerity then any spoken word could ever.”

  “That’s what I mean! I would have understood if you made that statement under the influence, but clearly, you’re not even using your magic right now. Which puts all this into a whole other light.”

  “What do you mean?” I mean, it’s not like I needed my ice for a decision I like that. After all, the ice was just that, a crutch.

  “I mean, yesterday, the way you acted, how you leaned into your magic. I thought, a part of me thought that you and I weren’t all that different, but…”

  She takes a moment before continuing.

  “Now I realize how wrong I was…”

  “I’m not sure I follow…”

  “That…” She hesitates, again, “Fine, my magic, I figured out what it is, its void magic. Literally absence. I can literally void things, even my own existence to a point. When I use it, it’s like… everything stops mattering, like I’m just fading away, drifting along… I also know what ice magic is, and I thought you were just relying excessively on it to cope.”

  “And?”

  “And I was wondering, if you were just doing that. Using the ice to keep going, just using it as a…”

  “Crutch?” I ask.

  “Yes. But clearly, you’re not.”

  “Obviously.” I state. Though, it was hard at times. I’d be lying if I said I never used it to help, but… well, she wasn’t asking that specifically.

  She grunts, clearly annoyed. “That’s why I’m so bothered, I thought I’d trip you up, or you’d just crumbling down, not this!”

  “And why would you do that?” When I asked, I expected anger, frustration, not…

  Not her to look away, almost embarrassed. Even Joan, the third wheel in this conversation recognized it for what it was, her hand landed on Liche’s shoulder. The touch shook Liche out of whatever was going on her head, but she didn’t look me in the eye.

  “I want to know, how do you do it?”

  “Do it?” I asked back.

  “Yeah, throw yourself into the thick of it, put yourself out there, and what gives you the confidence to just, strip and make the offer you did.”

  I was tempted to ignore her. Her problems weren’t my problems. Not exactly. At the same time, this was a good chance to get to know her better, even get some information on my future partner.

  Though, how to phrase it? “Why do predators hunt?” I started with.

  “Because they need food?” Liche says, looking at me like I was crazy.

  “Why do birds fly?” I ask again.

  “Because they have wings, right?” Joan answers this time.

  “And why do fish swim?”

  They both share a quizzical glance.

  “Because… their fish?” Joan answers first, and Liche just nods along.

  “The answer, some would say, is that they must. That because a predator needs meat, it must hunt and kill. That a bird has wings, it must fly, and finally because a fish is in water, it must swim. The truth is, similar, though, different.”

  I say, further confusing both.

  “I do so, not because I must, but because I can. Surely, you two know my history, at least some of it?”

  They both nod.

  “Well, I grew up in a wealthy family. A family where I had no hope of ever inheriting anything. Instead, all my life, I was raised for one reason. Given the tools and means, so that I can act as a deputy, a second to the chosen heir. It didn’t matter if they were a direct heir, or an heir of a subsidiary family. All that mattered, was that my life was set in stone.”

  I shifted in my chair. Just speaking of my past had me reaching for my ice, had my hands wringing for something to drink, or for that familiar feeling of ash on my tongue.

  “I was nothing but a tool, and that was that. I was given fangs and wings, all so that I could serve at another’s behest.”

  “I’m guessing you weren’t happy with that?” Liche said. A low laugh left my lips.

  “Honestly, I didn’t care much. My life was set in stone, all I could do was fill the bare minimum, check the appropriate boxes, after all, what other choice did I have?”

  I said with a shrug.

  “But one day, something changed. My family, as strict as they were, did allow me a single hobby. One I partook in quite religiously. You could say, it was my only light. Ice skating. It wasn’t much, but I remember my first day on the ice so vividly, it became a vital part of me, like eating and breathing.”

  Both watched me with rapt attention, listened with all their being.

  “It carried me through the good and bad, then one day… an accident occurred. There was a lake near our estate. A large one, every winter I’d make sure to skate on it at least once or twice, weather permitting. Well, this time, it was a little different. The weather had been oddly warm, the ice wasn’t quite set, and nobody had bothered to properly inspect the ice, and so, I went on it.”

  Both leaned in, already anticipating the next part of my story.

  “The ice gave way in the middle of my set, and I plunged into the icy depths.”

  The memory was still etched into me. The frigid cold that nearly swept my consciousness away. The biting cold giving way to a burning heat. That feeling of separation, like I was separating from my mortal vessel.

  “Then?” Joan asked. Liche followed up with, “What happened then?”

  “I woke up on my bed. Delirious with fever, going in and out of consciousness. Of the actual event, I’m not sure how I got out or what happened, but… it made me think. Did I really want to die like this? Is this really how I wanted to live? Was I… satisfied with just this? Those thoughts trailed me along my recovery, and when I was finally well, I made my decision, no, I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be a second, I didn’t just want to be a follower. No, I wanted to take the lead, I wanted the spotlight, I wanted to be in charge.”

  “That… doesn’t quite explain it though.” Liche asks.

  “Explain what?”

  She hesitates. “When you pull on the ice, doesn’t it remind you of being in the ice? Doesn’t it make you, afraid?”

  Afraid? Afraid of those yawning depths, of the endless dark?

  Liche continued, ignoring my thoughts. “Like, the void magic, it feels like, when…” Again, she hesitates. “There was a time when I did drugs, to, you know, escape. Escape everything and well…” She rubbed her arm, her eyes trailed it, as if looking for something only she could see. “It didn’t end well.” She stated calmly.

  “And every time I use my magic, it makes me think of then, when I was under the influence, and I hate it. So, how do you do it? How are you able to just throw yourself into your magic and not lose yourself?”

  Was she honestly asking? Because if she was, I didn’t really have an answer. I feared being made brittle, if I were to embrace the ice overmuch. Of losing my edge, of becoming lesser in the process. That, after all, was familiar. Like my own addiction and I quickly told her has as much, and yet…

  Did I truly fear the ice? Like, truly? It wasn’t a pleasant thought, but… I couldn’t say I did. Not without any form of doubt. Not when I felt its warm embrace. The soothing silence in those depths. The feeling of wholly and fully letting go.

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  But… did I wish for it? No. Because no matter how cruel the world is, no matter how cold it was in comparison, I had a job to do, only…

  “Is that really it then? Do you really not have an answer” Liche asks. Asking the question, I only now asked myself.

  Everything I did was in pursuit of this goal, of surpassing them, my parents, of proving I was not only a worthy heir, but something more. Yet, was my start, really so simple?

  “I didn’t mean to pry.” Liche finally said. Breaking me out of my thoughts. “I just thought it was weird, after all, the way you move, with such purpose… it’s something, you know? I was kind of hoping you had an answer, or maybe a solution, but it seems even you don’t have one.”

  “I guess not…” I answered, hesitantly… I had no idea if I had an answer, but…

  “This may be prying, but… before you arrived, could I ask what you did? What led to Usagi choosing you?” I had to ask.

  She froze. Like a deer on the road. Joan, looked no different. Her face pale, and something seemed to shift in the air.

  “You don’t have to say anything.” I finally said, their reactions enough of a response. They both loosened, and neither seemed willing to press on, but I more or less had my answer.

  Why had Usagi chosen me then? Not when I fell through the ice? Sure, I might have been too young back then, but whose to say age was a factor when choosing people? What was it that made my action, so notable, for even Usagi to take notice? What had it changed…

  I started drumming my fingers on my desk. My thoughts were humming, like countless trains running at full speed, careening on their rails as they turned and went. I felt like I was close to an answer, but…

  I had killed him. I knew that, but how did that matter? Could it be?

  “Hey, so, uh, about the money?” Liche spoke up, interrupting my thoughts.

  “Hm? Oh, yeah, I’ll get back to you on that, for now though, you’re okay with lending me it, right?”

  “Yeah, I got what I need.”

  “And you Joan, you’re fine with this?” I asked the third wheel.

  “Hm, oh, yeah, I had no problem lending you money from the beginning. You don’t even have to pay me back or anything.”

  “I’ll pay you back, don’t worry about it, though… Joan, what is it you want? Liche here took up the whole conversation, but surely you have something?”

  “I just want everyone to get along.” She said with a bit of energy, but her eyes… were oddly hollow.

  “Well, alright, I’ll have to keep that in mind.” I said with a sigh.

  “So, what’s the plan exactly?” Liche asks, with a forced smile on her face.

  “I’m making calls tomorrow, hopefully I’ll get us work.”

  “And if you don’t? Do you plan to go around stripping for work?”

  “If I have too…”

  She didn’t respond back. Knowing full well that I wasn’t lying.

  “I hope it doesn’t come to that.”

  I nod. “I hope it doesn’t either. It would be best if this resolves peacefully.”

  All of us nodded in agreement. We made quick plans for when I was to pick up the coins and how I was going to get the cash. Each of them offered up what was inside their bank accounts as well, but I wasn’t too keen on touching that, not unless I had to. Still, it was nice to see them committed.

  As we finished up the planning, I sent them back to work and got to work on my end. Primarily, getting the numbers together of just who I needed to call and pulling together what information I could.

  As the pair left, they made sure to wish me luck, something I would need in spades.

  It wasn’t long after they left that the door opened again, Terada and Leo filed back in.

  “Terada, get everyone working, I’ll have a solution for the morale tomorrow.” The man nods and leaves. “Leo…” I consider. Pause. “Stay out of the way.”

  “Sure, thing my lady.” He said cheekily, but without an ounce of mirth. He took his usual seat, and even with his sunglasses on, I could feel his gaze burning into me as I did damage control and got started on making calls.

  It went as expected. Run arounds. Long wait times only to end with a sudden hang up.

  “They’re not going to answer.” Leo said. It was getting late, and I was on hold for the umpteenth company. The rather rude secretary had made a point to needle me before putting me on hold. Hell, she probably forgot all about me.

  “No, they’re not.” I answered back.

  “Then why? Why even bother?” Leo asks.

  “Why not?” I asked back. “Should I just lie back and let the division fall apart? I caused this mess, and I’ll fix it. Understood?”

  He stayed quiet. Both of us waited and listened to the speaker, waiting for something, anything.

  There was no miracle. The phone went dead.

  The time to clock out came too quickly. Making more calls at this point would be pointless. There was no dinner tonight and everyone looked just about done with their job. Like death row inmates walking the green mile, they shuffled out.

  I drove Liche and Joan home. Even a hot bath didn’t help. Nor did the alcohol I drank and drank. It just made me angrier. More frustrated. I moved too fast. I had made my bed and now I had to deal with it.

  Hell or high water, through hail, fire, storms, and even a mountain of blades. I would push through.

  When I slept. I dreamt. Of being under the ice once again. of drifting into the darkness. A single ray of light beamed down, illuminating me. I tried to move, but my body didn’t respond back. And when the burning heat came, when the warmth flooded my limbs, I moved, but…

  Did I want to?

  It felt nice down here. Silent. Warm. There was nothing to worry about. Nothing to care about. The warm light of the sun, it didn’t feel warm. It felt harsh, cold, unfeeling. Almost like it was taunting me… My eyes shut.

  And I felt it. Something disturb the water, I gasped awake… but…

  It was another dream. I still felt like I was underwater. The university that I attended. I drifted from room to room. Numb. Without feeling. Taking in the lessons. Listening to them.

  And once again, I felt it, something shift, like it was trying to reach out to me…

  Then I was elsewhere, standing in an empty yard, the rain was pouring down, leeching away the heat from my body. My hands were bloodied and rent. Before me a wooden post stood, worn and beaten, drenched in my blood.

  Still, I didn’t stop. Through the rain I continued, until it came to a slow stop. The morning sun came, blinding me. Every breath hurt, like I was breathing through a wet cloth. Then, I felt it again, only different. Like, instead of something reaching for me, like someone was beside me in the cold depths…

  “Just watching you is exhausting.” The old man, my master, my teacher said. He looked haunted, old. “If you weren’t sent by an old friend, I wouldn’t have taken you in. You know that right? Let alone teach you.” He said that between drinking from a jug of alcohol he carried everywhere with him.

  He continued to watch me. Even as I brought myself to the brink. Eventually, when I collapsed, he spoke back up.

  “What is it you’re seeking?” He finally asked, after what felt like an eternity.

  “Strength.” I stated. One word. It was all I could say between panting breaths. As my numb body ignored my commands.

  “Well, I hate to tell you kid, but no matter how many times you beat that dummy, you’ll never get strong.”

  “I know I don’t have any talent. You told me that many times already.”

  “Bah, it’s not about talent.” He said, waving his hand. “If you want to win a fight, get a gun. Not learn martial arts like this old fool.” He said, pointing to himself. “Real strength isn’t gained through strength of arm, it’s something developed over time, by overcoming obstacles, by surpassing who you were just moments prior and all that.”

  I went quiet. Focusing on him, trying to hear his words over the pounding of my heart in my ears. Engraving every word he spoke into my soul.

  “Strength is something you only gain by going through trials and tribulations. Quality steel is made through pressure and heat to burn away impurities. It is then beat and pummeled into the desired shape. A constant process of heat and pressure is required until it becomes something worthwhile. However, even that is a delicate process.”

  He took a moment to take a long swig of his jug of alcohol.

  “Too much heat, and you run the risk of ruining it all together. Too little, and the impurities won’t be burned away. There is a balance to it, a give and take. What you’re doing now, is no more than just an elaborate suicide.”

  He wasn’t wrong. But at the time, I only knew how to keep pushing until the very brink.

  “Then… Teach me.” I said between heaves. The man stared at me, long and hard. “Teach me… how to be strong.” My words came out slow, stilted, but the emotion in each word carried my full intent and desire.

  The old man didn’t immediately reply. He took a long swig out of his jug and sighed.

  “Kid…” He said. “I’m not strong. Never was. Why do you think I live alone here, in this dilapidated dojo on the edge of town? Alone, at my age without any children or grandchildren who want to visit me?”

  I didn’t reply. I kept quiet, letting him take another drink.

  “My wife left me…” He started. “My son despises me…” He trails off again. “Makes me wonder why I’m even here. Why I even cling to this dusty old shithole.”

  He took another long pause, drank from his jug. At this point, I felt enough of my body to force myself up. I sat beside him; the old wood of the step creaked under our combined weight. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it up.

  The old man eyed me, my cigarette, then he looked down to his own jug. The smell of alcohol was strong.

  “Want a drink?” He offered, I took it and sipped it. It burned down my throat. It was absurdly strong, and yet, I could feel it burning through my exhausted body. Giving it new life. I handed it back, and he looked at it for a good moment before looking back at me.

  I stared at him, and he gestured to my carton of cigarettes. Cautiously, I handed it over. He looked at the carton, before taking a cigarette and lighting it up. We both shared a moment. Both of us focused entirely on this moment. The rain had stopped, the glimmers of a new day, the rising sun greeted us.

  We shared a drink, we smoked. It was perhaps the most personal moment we had together. Even if neither of us spoke, it felt like we were connecting on a near spiritual level.

  “Kid…” He said, as the cigarette on his lips died down to a nub. “How ‘bout you and I make a promise?” He asks.

  “What kind of promise?”

  “If you give up smoking, I’ll give up drinking and I’ll teach you to the best of my abilities. I won’t be teaching you the family secrets, but I swear, I’ll give you my all, so long as you give me your all. How about it?”

  On reflex, I nearly denied him. Only, what kept those words from leaving my tongue, was a memory… No. It was a curse. A curse I had placed on myself.

  “Will I…” I pause… “Will we get stronger?” I asked.

  “I have no idea…” The old man said. “But it’s the best I got.”

  It was stupid, but… some part of me still clung to her, to Alex. I knew I hurt her. I knew what I did had likely scarred her or worse… Smoking was the last piece of her I still had. Or, so it felt.

  To give it up… and yet, looking at the old man, it reminded me of what he asked when he took me in, when he first started to give me instruction.

  He only asked of me one thing. To never be a hero. To not throw my life away for another. It was a strange request, funny really, considering what led me here, becoming a murderer, not a hero.

  Giving up alcohol must not have been an easy decision for him either. Especially not at his age. He offered me help, but in the same way, he was also asking for help in turn.

  In the end…

  I agreed.

  Waking up… I was faced with something familiar. A carton of cigarettes, within lay a single cigarette. An item bound to me in some way. Always in reach. Inside a single, lone cigarette taunted me.

  I had quit the habit thanks to my master. He as well had quit his drinking. We both had a hard time, but we put our effort into training, pushing ourselves.

  I still lacked talent. He repeated that often. I lacked something integral, that all martial artists needed. I wonder if that still held true… Though… it didn’t escape my notice, that I could use a silver coin and perhaps gain a talent for it, but… I was hesitant.

  I hated who I was. I look back, on the path I had built to this point, and I see a meandering path. One that twists and turns. Filled with regrets.

  Recently… I’ve been thinking about everything. After what I had done, after coming here, it put everything into perspective.

  Just what kind of man was I? The path I took was anything but straight. I was truly devoted to being at the top, wouldn’t my path have been simpler? Straighter? Was I really devoted to that belief?

  The question stung. Even as I knew it to be true. I didn’t stand up to my family. Nor did I make an effort to. I simply accepted their orders and left, without complaint. Alex would have stuck by me, through thick and thin. I knew this and it terrified me.

  Even more so, it terrified me that I thought, even for a moment, that I would give up my dreams for her. Had I truly been devoted to my path, would that have even been a question? I could have brought her with me, carried her along if need be. She would have followed.

  So why?

  Moreso what happened with my professor at college. How I had simply stood by as the world collapsed around him. All because of me.

  It all started to change when I met my master, the old man. He taught me, or rather, we taught each other. We relied on each other as we fought through withdrawal together. Pushing each other on, supporting one another. Even then… I had ended up leaving him, dooming him to the same fate as my professor…

  For the first time, I felt grounded in my life. Like I could finally see where I was, and where I needed to go. Even as the world collapsed around me seemingly. For the first time, it felt like I was properly taking charge of my life, and pushing forward…

  It’s funny really… I was a failure of a man by every metric. No… perhaps the only redeeming moment was when I stabbed that smug bastard with his own fancy pen, but… he wasn’t wrong.

  I was no better than him.

  Ironic really, or perhaps poetic would be a better word. That here, in this city, this new world, or whatever hell this may be, that I was no longer a man. Now… Now, I was a woman. With all that entailed, good or bad. Yet, as a woman, I was more than I had ever been as a man…

  Perhaps, whatever god there may be out there, or whatever entities may have existed in my old world, maybe just one of them has a sense of humor.

  If so… I hope they’re laughing. Because… No matter what. I will get my due. After all, women could be rather spiteful, couldn’t they? And I had an awful lot of spite built up.

  As for the mascots? Well, the jury is still out on them. I’d just have to wait and see…

  And whether or not this path of mine was truly my own or not… well, it didn’t matter. Since, I was now fully committed. There would be no more detours.