Breathe. How could I have forgotten it? No, I know how. Alex taught me the basics. How to breathe, focus using cigarettes. My professor at college, he showed me that it was a crutch I had come to rely on, and my martial arts teacher… He was the one that gave me the strength I needed to drop the habit.

  He had been a good man, far more then what I deserved, both of them had. I don’t know where I would have ended up if not for them. For the professor putting everything on the line to protect me, and if not for my shishou showing me what it meant to have true strength.

  I had to remember, always remember, to breathe. To focus. I felt for the cigarette I carried around with me, like a lucky charm. A reminder. An oath.

  As for my professor… Just his memory filled me with regret and wasn’t something I wanted to dwell on, not now.

  Regardless of my thoughts on the matter, Terada ended the night early after my mishap. We were allowed home, and we reconvened the next day. Kenta got the blame for what happened. Apparently, he’d taken to stacking plates and dishes on my head when I took a short rest.

  I didn’t mind, but he was a convenient scapegoat. With one mishap under my belt, it would be better not to have another. One or two could be dismissed, but at some point, those mishaps would become a liability. Being identified as the weakest link wouldn’t do well for my career. In much the same way, I needed to keep low profile. A chain works, only because every link has the same strength.

  A single strong link will break, a single weak link will also break. Like the nail that sticks out gets hammered, the tallest tree attracts lightning. In much the same way, that was how a company operated.

  Joan and Liche were both quick on the uptake. Only needing a few reminders to keep them on task and working at just the right pace to prevent burnout, and from burdening the overall team. Both were professionals, which made my job easier.

  Neither complained about the workplace, though my breakdown might have tarnished my image as a senior. Still, they listened and with Tom’s help, since I was the only person that still talked to him, more or less, was quickly read into the situation. With more work flowing towards Liche and Joan, I was able to make better use of my time.

  My nightmare and the following panic attack only furthered my resolve towards making a change. A change that would have me taking over the division. Either through legitimate or illegitimate means. By hook or crook, as they say.

  To do that, I’d need information. Knowledge. What time I had, when work slowed, or when I could afford a moment, I looked through our database. A single month with my job was enough for me to get a vague idea of how the data was structured, which meant all I needed was time. Time to read, to go over it.

  What I discovered was rather impressive, and equally mindboggling.

  On my days off, I bought magazines or newspapers. Doing my best to understand the economics surrounding Taurus. What the average cost of our projects should be, the time commitments, and all the surrounding extra information.

  There were no theatres in the city. Which meant all media had direct to video releases or was directly aired on television. Costs for publishing varied, which depended on if the media was made into VHS or CDs. Tack on promotional material, which included adds, figurines, or whatever else.

  The problem was, the math just wasn’t mathing. There was an issue. With how much work we were buried under, and with how small the team was. We should be flush with cash. Our budget should be bursting at the seams. So, why was it that we lacked budget?

  My first thought was that Leo, our division manager was siphoning cash. I dismissed that as an option. Only because Leo was rarely, if ever in the office. When he was in the office, he was sleeping off a hangover in his office. Rarely, if ever, did he bother to walk around the place.

  If he were cooking the books, he’d be in all the time to prevent anyone from following his trails.

  His faith in Terada seemed absolute. Essentially giving Terada absolute control over the divisions management. For good or ill…

  I didn’t blame him though. Terada was something alright. On our first meeting, I knew something was up with him. Well, I was right. Terada was, when he was younger, an up-and-coming star. A master director, writer, and artist. A true triple threat with a bright future.

  Was it possible Terada was involved in stealing cash? I doubted it, the man lacked a certain something needed to do that… A big part of it was related to why he was here in the first place, why, despite being so famous his name had essentially been thrown under the rug.

  Gossip articles surmised that he crossed someone he shouldn’t have. Turning what should have been a once in a generation genius into… this. A man struggling to keep his team of master’s together and sane, all the while the world crumbled around them.

  In many ways, Terada made me think of a samurai. Loyal to his lord, to a fault. Unwilling to rock the boat, a man with a stiff upper lip that could put anyone else to shame. He could weather all forms of indignity and dishonor if only to fulfill the commands given from on high…

  It was a real waste, and for the first time, I found myself hating Terada for that exact reason. He was a good man through and through, but he lacked what a man needed most.

  Ambition.

  Even when I fled, always moving from place to place, I did so with a goal in mind. Terada? He had no such goal. He was nothing more than a corpse, shuffling along towards an early grave, dragging everyone with him like a ship captain on a doomed voyage. Clearly, he was no Ahab, but I didn’t plan to go down with the ship regardless. I was going to escape, pull ahead, no matter the cost. I was done running.

  With my new life, without hounds baying just out of my sight, seeking my flesh and blood with their masters’ not far behind. Without all that, I could move forward freely, unburdened. Even if it meant abandoning my manhood, even if it meant becoming what I feared the most.

  I would succeed.

  Of that, I promised myself. Of that, I knew. That was my resolution and only time could tell how sure that resolution truly was. Especially since I had already crossed that line, a line I hadn’t wished to ever cross.

  The framework had been set. I had an idea of how I could turn everything around, but there was a critical piece missing. That piece wasn’t something I could get in my position. I needed to confront Leo and the only time I could be certain I’d see him was just after the full moon.

  Which meant, I had to wait… Something I could do all too easily. Something made easier when the days continued to flow by, nearing the end of the month.

  The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

  Which led to me, now, in this moment, sitting down, sipping some hot tea. A bowl of that fortifying soup on my desk. A warmer on my stomach, shoes off and feet kicked up.

  It was, really nice. Ignoring the bouts of crippling pain, I could grow used to this. Just being able to kick back and relax like this was a blessing.

  Blatantly kicking back like this might have earned the ire of my colleagues, but I did my fair share of work. Anyone who gave me a slightly off-color look found themselves glared down by both Samantha and Terada. Essentially making me free to do whatever I want during these periods.

  I wasn’t totally shameless; I did my job. I supervised Liche and Joan. I was just slightly less productive. Just… a little less productive.

  I sipped at my tea, looking over work, when… a familiar face came over to visit.

  “I see you didn’t repeat last month’s mistake.” Samantha stepped in with a smile.

  “I don’t often make the same mistake twice. This month, I made sure I was well prepared.”

  “That’s good. I’d hate to find you passed out in the bathroom again.”

  “I’d hate to be found like that again.” I followed with a polite laugh. “So, what brings you here?”

  “Just wanted to check in on you, see how you’re doing.”

  “Well, I’m doing fine. Just taking it a bit slower than usual, as you can see. I’m sure Terada doesn’t mind?”

  “No, no, if anything he’s happy he doesn’t have to worry about you. Everyone was so used to treating you as just another one of the guys, they totally forgot about you being a woman.”

  “It’s the hair, isn’t it?” I amusedly replied.

  “Ah, much more than that. I’ve also noticed you’re growing it out.”

  “A little…” My hair was naturally curly, it was now down to my ears. Almost idly I twined a bang around my finger. “I’m not sure how long I want it though.”

  “Well, it looks good on you.”

  “Thank you.” I replied, just a little taken aback by what felt like an honest assessment. Samantha always looked put together. Always on top of things. I wonder if she had kids. She looked old enough to have them…

  We continued to talk about this and that. Nothing really important. Eventually, I asked something that had been on my mind. “Say, how do you get your hair looking so nice? I mean, I’ve noticed my own has been rather dry lately.”

  Which was a bit strange. I always cared about my looks, but I felt like I was doing something wrong. As a man, I kept my hair short, nails trimmed and made sure to wash myself properly. I was certain I was doing everything right, but I’ve never actually tried to grow my hair out.

  “Your hair does look a little dry.” She started. “What’s your routine like? As in, what products do you use?”

  “Well, I use all-in-one shampoo…”

  “Oh… honey…” Her eyes were overflowing with sympathy. “No, just no…”

  “Is something wrong with that?” I’ve always used it and never had problems.”

  “Yes, its… I don’t even know where to begin…” She sighed. “I’m going to ask just to be sure, but you do have a skincare routine, right?”

  “Do I need one?”

  Her face said it all. “Well, you have good natural looks, but… you know what, how about I get some supplies, and we can see what works?”

  “I suppose, as long as it doesn’t take too much effort on your part.”

  “Don’t worry about that, it’s not much. Really.”

  “Well, alright then, as long as you let me pay you back for anything you buy.”

  “Wonderful!” She left in a hurry after that. Liche and Joan, both gave me looks, but neither spoke out. I didn’t think much of the exchange. I figured she’d just give me a few things, and I’d pay her back. It really wasn’t a big issue…

  I was wrong.

  The very next day after we returned from home, Samantha came up to me with a big bag of stuff. In the blink of an eye, I was in the bathroom with Samanthan working through various products to see what would work best. Using the sink, we washed my hair and checked to see what worked best.

  It was enlightening. There was a whole science to it. How the different products interacted, how they worked for different skin types and tones. Just when I thought we finished, she pulled out the next part. After all, as a man I just settled for the basic stuff, and it worked.

  Though, it wasn’t like I was totally clueless.

  “I imagine you’ve never done makeup before, right?”

  What followed was a quick breakdown of how to apply, maintain, and remove makeup. It wasn’t exhaustive, and she muttered how she wished we had more time for her to teach me all the intricacies of doing so, but we did have work. We were using work time for this.

  Once we finished, I tried to pay her back, but she kept declining. It wasn’t until I pretty much shoved the money in her face and told her that I was relying on her to keep teaching me that she finally accepted the cash.

  If I was skeptical at all during the process, it all went away the moment we left the bathroom.

  Near every eye focused on me. Mouths gaped slightly and more than a few of the men and even some of the women in the office had lost looks on their faces. Samantha hadn’t done much. Just put some foundation down and a few light touches, but the immediate attention I was receiving?

  It felt nice. Everyone couldn’t help but compliment me. Even Terada, even if he looked upset that we spent so long inside the bathroom, was mollified by my new look. Nobody complained or questioned the time I spent away.

  Even Liche and Joan on seeing me couldn’t help but give me compliments.

  It was strange. It felt weird. Like something was on my face, which, was kind of true, to be honest, but it made me feel self-conscious in a way I never felt before. Like I was in my underwear, or my fly was open kind of strange. I wasn’t used to people looking at me, or even paying me much attention. With just a bit of makeup, and my hair cleaned up, now I had everyone’s attention.

  I could become addicted to it…

  I’d have to be careful going forward…

  Either way, I don’t think I’ll stop anytime soon. After all, I’m likely going to be stuck as a woman for a bit longer and I might as well take full advantage.

  The rest of the month flowed smoothly after that. I never had the chance to look at the book I had bought. The book on necromancy was bound to be heavy reading, something I’d have to dedicate a day, or even days too.

  So, the very first day of my extended break. I cracked open the book. It was thick. The cover was made with black leather. The words were written in thick black ink. Each page felt thick and sturdy. The smell of a new book wafted out.

  It was a nostalgic smell. After having done all the things I needed, I was more than prepared to lay back and simply read it. Laying against the wall, on my futon. Food and a couple cans of beer by my side. Even if alcohol was the bane of ice, I didn’t need to avoid it. Even if a part of me did, I knew that wouldn’t help. It’d just make me more stressed.

  Proper time management necessitated proper stress relief. A nice hot bath, some cold beers were high on the list of ways I could deal with stress. In a way, cracking open a book was another method… Perhaps I should take the time to visit the library?

  I’ll keep that in mind for when I have more free time.

  For now, the book. First page was an introduction. A primer of what to expect. How it worked, how it functioned. The words seemed to pulse in my vision. I felt that I was being drawn in by the words on the page. I could almost imagine every line spoken, as if an instructor was standing right next to me talking.

  Every question was answered, every little nitpick. Every diagram I saw, it felt more like I was watching it be drawn, line by line, words spoke up, describing how each line, each sigil mattered.

  It felt like I was back in college. Like my professor was standing at the front, writing out each term with exacting detail. His eyes only on me.

  With each page I turned. The feeling intensified. It felt like I was back in college. Nose deep in some book or another. Listening to lecturers speak. Notes scribbled on the page. The smell of ink and paper thick in the air.

  Each page seemed to creak like doors swinging open. Every line hummed and vibrated. Every word carried a weight to it that etched it into my mind. I felt like the desert, parched and in dire need of knowledge. With every page, like falling rain, quenching that thirst.

  It wasn’t until I finished the final page. The final crack of the book closing shut. It wasn’t until that moment that I blinked. The setting sun was gone, replaced with the rising sun. My eyes dry. Head pounding and pulsing.

  My lips were dry. My stomach grumbled. Blearily, I blinked. I looked down at my forgotten food. My long-warmed beer. I looked back at the book in my hand. Somehow, it seemed lesser.

  Out of curiosity, a need to know, a desire to feel that sensation again, I cracked it back open. I looked through the words and frowned. I knew every word, every line. As if I had read the book from cover to back countless times over. Like I had spent years going through it.

  I could recite from memory any passage in the book down to the comma. If I had to give a lecture on this book, or a report, I could give a full dissertation. Yet, looking back at the words. They no longer hummed or vibrated. They seemed dead. Empty.

  Each page filled me with nostalgia. The once warm pages felt cold to the touch. Like an old, fond memory.

  Closing my eyes. I thought back to the lessons etched within. The experience suffusing me, bringing tears to my eyes as I reveled in the sensation once more. Only to sigh and lean back. I wiped at my eyes. My pulsing headache subsided as I ate. I cooled the beers and drank, then… I fell into sweet slumber.

  In my dreams, I replayed those memories. Over and over.