“I think I’d forgotten how much sparring can hurt,” Messy grumbled as she and Ana left the guardhouse’s practice yard. She rubbed her arm exaggeratedly. “Have you been keeping close enough to take my boo-boos all this time?”
“Not intentionally, but maybe?” Ana said. She wasn’t sure herself. She might have; it was even likely. Keeping close to Messy had been something she did as a matter of course for months now. But that would mean that Messy wouldn’t have been getting as much out of the classes as she should have; if she didn’t know when something was supposed to hurt, she might have been learning bad habits.
Despite the annoyance in Messy’s tone being almost theatrical, worry crept in, and Ana looked at Messy critically, trying to see any sign of injury. “Are you hurt?” she asked. “Do we need to go see Touanne?”
“No, Angel, I’m fine,” Messy said, dropping her act. “It did hurt more than I’m used to, but I’m not injured.”
“Okay,” Ana said, fighting down the urge to ask if she was sure, if maybe they should go see Touanne just in case. It was awful, not just knowing that Messy was indeed alright. And it wasn’t that she didn’t trust Messy to be honest with her, it was just… Messy was kind, and thoughtful, and she wouldn’t want Ana to worry. Ana could see her telling a little white lie and thinking nothing of it, saying that she was fine when she had a little twinge in her shoulder or knee. And then that twinge turned out to be a damaged ligament, and it got worse and worse until…
Until it actually started hurting properly, and Messy asked Touanne to fix it. Which she would. It would be a five-minute thing. Not even a problem. Ana had to remember that, and not invent reasons to worry.
There was a bright side to her anxiety about Messy’s wellbeing. It told her that whatever she felt for Messy wasn’t entirely artificial; or at least, it wasn’t caused entirely by her Class. The fact that she couldn’t escape the warmth of Messy’s feelings for her whenever they were close was another matter entirely.
They returned home, toweled down at the washbasin, and changed into regular clothes, hanging their sweat-damp and dusty training clothes to air outside. And then the day passed. It was a completely normal day, passing the way it had ever since Ana recovered from her wounds a dozen days earlier. They went to Master Renvi’s shop — just Renvi to Ana. He only suffered Messy to call him “Master” since she insisted. They had venison stew for lunch. Ana practiced her Shaping in the Jeweler’s back room all through the afternoon; her protective Shaping — which Tellak insisted she should call “Ironskin” — almost covered her entirely now, and she could make herself a fair bit lighter, though she still hadn’t figured out how to do the opposite.
They had dinner at Petra’s, like they did most nights. Kaira and the guys were there, but Ray was out together with Jisha, Deni, Mirell, and Varron. Those five had decided to form a Party, at least temporarily; this was their second outing together, the first having gone well, and Ana thought it would do them good. Ray was enjoying teaching her skills to the younger members, Jisha’s Inter-Guild had been improving day by day, and the other three were getting plenty of practical experience working in a larger Party.
That last part was going to be especially relevant to Ana. Three promises had come together to shape her plans for the next two weeks: Ana herself had promised Mirell and Varron a favor, anything they wanted, as thanks for saving Messy and for helping her run down the perpetrators; Messy had promised Ana to get back out there, to get back to Delving, both because she herself enjoyed it and because she didn’t want Ana to feel that Messy was holding her back; and Ana had promised Messy that they would not be connected by either Devotion or by being in a Party together for no less than a week, to make sure that Ana actually wanted to be with Messy and wasn’t being compelled in some way by the System.
Over dinner two days earlier, Mirell and Varron had called in their favor. They’d had a taste of what Ana could do, and they’d heard what she’d done for Jisha; now they wanted to reap the same benefits. They wanted to Delve with her. They were happy to do it on her terms and on her schedule, but they wanted to go out and tackle a Delve that would spell certain doom for them on their own.
Ana had laid out her terms, which had been simple. She was going to be responsible for everyone’s safety, so she’d be in charge. If she said they were done, they were done. If Mirell and Varron honestly weren’t satisfied, they’d go out again. She also wanted full discretion over who to include. Specifically, she wanted Deni, whom the two had already planned on having along; Jisha, who was for all intents and purposes Ana’s protege; Rayni, whose skills at woodcraft would make everything so much smoother; and Messy, for reasons obvious to everyone.
Really, the second demand had been a formality, just to make sure that they were all on the same page. Nobody had objected or declined, and they’d decided on a date ten days from that evening. Wrists had been clasped, ale had been drunk, and the next morning Rayni had led her four Party-mates into the forest with a plan to be back within the week so they could rest up properly before their next outing.
There were eight days left now, and Ana was looking forward to it eagerly. Not only because she enjoyed Delving, and expected that it would be both fun and rewarding, but because Messy had promised, on her love for Ana, that she was coming along. So much of Ana’s hopes and plans for the future rested on Messy having the confidence to pick up her blade again; if things went well with the kids, those hopes and plans actually had a chance of coming to fruition.
“How’re you doing?” Messy asked much later, after they’d bathed and walked around, watching the stars, and finally returned home. “Feeling better than this morning?”
“Yeah,” Ana admitted. “Better. Not good.”
“Still scared?”
Ana nodded. “I didn’t start caring about you the moment we were in a Party together, right? It came on slowly. And, I know, we weren’t in a Party the whole time from that point. There was… what, three weeks between when we disbanded and when I offered you my devotion?”
“I love how that sounds,” Messy said, blushing. “I can’t believe I ever laughed at it. But, yeah. Almost three weeks.”
“Right. So, there was something there, something that was real and stayed even without Devotion, but ever since the bond…”
A wall broke. A dam, slowly worn away until it sprung the tiniest leak, and then that leak ate a hole that caused the whole thing to collapse and the words just tumbled out of Ana. “It changed things,” she blurted. “It must have! You’ve been on my mind so much more since then. Before, I knew that I liked having you around, but the past two months I’ve thought about you all the time and… I care so much about you that it scares me. But I like it. I like caring about you. I don’t want to go back to how it was before. But now the bond is gone, and I keep expecting my— I don’t want it to go with it. I don’t want to stop feeling it. I—”
“Your what, Angel?” Messy asked as Ana’s voice broke. Her voice trembled as she took Ana’s jaw in her hand, the pad of her thumb running softly across her cheek. Ana didn’t want to turn her head. She didn’t want to finish that sentence, because if she did it would become real. The words would be out there, and she would have to revisit something she’d held as a fundamental truth about herself. What if she was wrong? What if it was the lingering effects of Devotion, and of the gentle heat of Messy’s aura, making her feel things that weren’t her own?
If she finished that sentence, and if she realized later that it wasn’t true, it might destroy her. But she’d promised Messy to always be honest, and of all the people she’d known, Messy was the one person she couldn’t disappoint.
Messy put a gentle pressure on her jaw and turned Ana’s head so they were face to face, and Ana, for all her Strength, was powerless to resist. Messy hadn’t bothered to reapply the thick lines of black that usually framed her eyes, but those eyes were so bright and hot that Ana wouldn’t have noticed anyway. She was hypnotized, unable to look away from the infinite depth of Messy’s pupils, or the molten glow of the amber that ringed them. From the vulnerability and the hope that she saw there, and the glitter of gathering tears in the candle-light.
“Your what, Angel?” When Messy repeated herself, it was almost like she couldn’t get enough breath out than just enough for a whisper. “You don’t want what to go away with the bond? You don’t want to stop feeling what? Please. Ana. Sweetheart. Angel. I need to hear it.”
“My love,” Ana whispered, the word coming easily in the face of a hope that Ana couldn’t bear to shatter. “I don’t have anything to compare to, but… I think I love you, Messy. I think I’m able to love you. And I don’t want that to go away. I can’t—”
The kiss that stole her words and broke her train of thoughts wasn’t one of the desperate, bruising kisses that she’d come to expect when Messy’s emotions ran high. It was sudden, yes, but it was a soft, trembling thing, lips to lips, breath to breath, as careful as though Messy wasn’t sure she was really there, as though she were kissing a reflection on water and didn’t dare disturb it.
She tasted salt as tears ran from Messy’s lips to her own, and then Messy drew back, her fingertips light on Ana’s cheeks and the joy in her eyes bright enough to stop Ana thinking again. It was the joy of a woman who had nothing to want or fear; who’d found the one thing she lacked and finally felt complete. It was a joy that Ana thought — to the degree that she could think in that moment — she would sooner die than see fade.
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“You can’t imagine how happy those words make me.” Messy’s voice shuddered, and it was hard to tell if she had more trouble speaking because of the tears or because of how widely she was smiling. All Ana could think was that no one could possibly ever have been more beautiful while crying.
“But, what if—” Ana started. What if she was about to lose this amazing thing that she’d only now allowed herself to put a name to? What if she was about to be responsible for turning this amazing, exquisite, incandescent joy in Messy’s eyes to dust and ashes? What if it was just a matter of time? What if?
But Messy didn’t let her voice her fear. “No,” Messy said firmly. “No what-ifs. It’s been a full day since we broke the bond, and the only difference between yesterday and today is that you’ve been a little more anxious and a little more attentive. No. If a full day without your Ability influencing you didn’t change how you feel, then I refuse to believe that another night or another week might. You’ll see. At the end of this week, you’ll love me no less than you do now.”
The effect of Messy’s absolute confidence was marred a tiny bit by the way she giggled on the words “love me,” but Ana had to forgive her that. Hell, she’d forgive her anything at that moment. And at most other moments, if she were honest with herself.
“You still want to do the full week?” Ana asked, hoping Messy would say no.
Messy immediately scuppered that hope. “Yes,” she said, “I think we have to. I know you’re scared. It’s an amazing feeling, to know that you’re in love.” She managed a passably roguish smile through the joy and determination on her face and said, “Ask me how I know. There are few fears like the fear of losing something you love. I can’t imagine what it’s like to fear losing love itself. But for your sake, I think we have to. And… a little bit for mine, too. I’m sure that your love has nothing to do with your Devotion. I want you to be as sure of that as I am. If we give up now and reestablish the bond, you’ll always wonder. And maybe you’re not bothered by the idea of never knowing, but… I need you to be sure, okay?”
“Okay,” Ana said. She didn’t like it, but she doubted she could have denied Messy anything right then. If another six days of uncertainty was what it took to give Messy peace of mind, then Ana would grin and bear it.
Ana could only sleep so much.
Two-and-a-half hours. That was a full night’s sleep for her, like she’d had a good nine. She could get along on much less; just for the sake of it, she’d done three days in a row where she didn’t give herself more than three short naps, maybe an hour in total per day, and she’d been fine. A little grumpy, perhaps, but she was pretty sure she could have kept it up indefinitely.
She could usually, when she was comfortable enough, sleep another two hours almost by sheer force of will. And that morning she definitely was comfortable enough, with Messy spooning her so close, melding her body to Ana’s so seamlessly, that it was like she was trying to make the lesbian urge to merge a literal thing. Goddess, she was so soft. And the heat of her! A heat that sunk into Ana’s core, into her bones, that made her soften into putty for Messy to shape as she wished. It was like nothing Ana had ever felt with anyone else.
And then there was her aura. Messy’s Connection was only 9, but between Ana’s Effective value of 42 and them being pressed so close that they practically shared a bloodstream, Ana could read her as clearly as she could Touanne on one of the Healer’s worst days. The peace, love, and joy that she felt from the woman she’d been sharing her life with these past months should have been enough to lull Ana to sleep on their own. And yet, Ana was wide awake.
It couldn’t be much after midnight, and her mind was far too busy to go back to sleep. She could get up. She could go into the yard and practice her Channeling and her Shaping, and maybe try to crack her infuriating inability to make herself heavier instead of lighter. But she wouldn’t. She was going to stay right where she was. Messy would need another two hours of sleep at least, but she liked to sleep in until shortly before sunrise, and waking her before then would be absolutely unforgivable. So Ana lay there, as good as a part of Messy, and thought.
Love. Did she love Messy? She’d said so. It had felt right, and she had no other word for what she felt. Even without Devotion pushing her to always consider Messy’s safety, the woman remained the center of her world. Seeing Messy safe brought her comfort. Seeing Messy comfortable brought her joy. Seeing Messy happy made her complete. What else could she call that but love?
Months before, shortly after Ana had devoted herself, Touanne had said that if what Ana felt wasn’t love then it was the next best thing. The Healer had surely known already; she just hadn’t wanted to push. Kaira and Rayni had teased her about her crush on Messy even earlier, and only weeks ago Kaira had outright accused Ana — if that was the right word — of being “madly in love.” They weren’t alone, either. Ana could remember the soft looks and smiles that had so often turned their way whenever she and Messy went somewhere together.
Everyone had known weeks or months before Ana did, it seemed. She’d just been very, very slow to catch up. Fine. She’d admitted it. Ana loved Messy. She just couldn’t explain how.
She knew why. That was easy. Messy was kind, caring, and supportive. She was honest when it mattered. She could be funny or serious, and switch seamlessly between the two as the mood allowed. She loved to sing, in a voice that made Ana want to just lie in her lap and listen for hours. She had the brightest, most vividly amber eyes that Ana had ever seen, and she looked at Ana like she was perfect, like there was nothing she didn’t like about her.
Ana could do what she had to, be absolutely ruthless with not a shred of remorse, and Messy would only want her more. With Messy, Ana could be her unvarnished self.
The sex… Ana could still take it or leave it, honestly. That hadn’t changed, though her reasons for being okay with it had. It was no longer a way to make Messy want to stay; it made Messy happy, and that was reason enough. Thought it still didn't hurt that Messy was, in Ana’s limited experience, very good, and that she could make Ana feel small and powerless in a way that was safe and comfortable. Besides, she was so soft and so warm, and even after two hours in the practice yard she smelled like heaven. Anna could've spent every night just cuddling, but if that cuddling happened to involve getting naked and breathless, Ana didn’t mind. Not as long as it put that goofy grin on Messy's face, and filled her aura with joy and contentment.
So, yeah. Ana knew very well why she loved Messy. She just couldn’t definitively say how it was possible.
Ana didn’t love. It was a basic part of her self-image, born from twenty-six years of experience. She had never in her life cared for anyone beyond what they could do for her — materially, socially, or emotionally. She could not think of a single instance where she’d done something for someone without expecting it to benefit herself in the end. But Messy? She would die for Messy. She would suffer for Messy. If what Messy wanted was for them to never see each other again, then Ana would put the world between them, even if it meant living in misery and missing her for every second of her life.
Two days ago she would have said that if the world had to burn for Messy to be safe and happy, she’d find a way. She… didn’t feel that anymore. There were limits now, though she didn’t know what they were. She was pretty sure that Devotion had taken any natural protectiveness she’d felt and turned it up to 11. After the attack on Messy, Ana had been out of control. Stupid, almost mad with rage and fear, and combined with her anger at being defied, she’d gone too far. She could have handled the Stolen so much better. She wasn’t sure how, but that much was easy to see with the benefit of hindsight and a somewhat clear mind. She didn’t think she’d react the same way now.
So, breaking the bond had done something to her, psychologically. It was comforting, in a way. Being able to point at an immediate change made her worry less about some kind of delayed effect coming in and stripping her of the warm, soft feelings she’d found herself in possession of. But it was also confusing, because if her love didn’t come from Devotion, then where? How was she suddenly able to love?
She was left with three possibilities.
First, it could be herself. Perhaps being brought here, losing Nic, being forced to start over in a strange, magical world, and all the things that she’d been through since, had changed her. She didn’t like to think of it as “growing,” since she’d been at peace with herself, but she could accept that she’d changed. Especially with her being able to experience feelings vicariously; she couldn’t rule out the magic of Connection and auras somehow unlocking something within her. She wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea, but with Crafts and Classes being known to mess with people’s heads, it wasn’t like she could get away from it.
Second — and she hoped this wasn’t the answer — perhaps she’d never taken the time to truly get to know someone the way she had with Messy. Devotion had kept them close. It had kept Messy on Ana’s mind, almost constantly. She’d never thought of anyone else as much as she did with Messy. Never paid as close attention, except from a security perspective. If that was all it took; if all she’d needed to do to truly care about someone was to push herself to truly get to know the right person, then… God, she might have missed out on so much. Being in love was terrifying, especially when she didn’t understand how, but it was far more comforting and elating than it was frightening. Even if she’d been satisfied with who she was all her life, now she regretted the idea that she might have been missing out.
The third possibility, and the one that she was most comfortable with, was that it was just… Messy. Mestendi. Ana would never have called herself a romantic, but there was something about that which appealed to even her. The idea that after twenty-six years she’d travelled to a whole new world only to find the one person who could ignite something in her that so many people took for granted. That all those people who’d called her broken weren’t just assholes, they were fundamentally incorrect; Ana hadn’t been born wrong, just in the wrong world.
Perhaps it was cowardly, but she decided to believe in the third possibility. It was the only one that didn’t make her uncomfortable, and she didn’t want to spoil the morning. She was sure that she’d start worrying again soon enough, and sometime that day she should talk to Liu and Belov. Not to apologize, perhaps — the idea of that rankled far too much — but to set things straight. To try and maybe normalize relations with the Stolen in some way. She had two months left in this Splinter, after all. But there was time enough to worry about that after sunrise, and that was hours away yet.
As her mind slowly settled again, and the heat of Messy’s body saturated her own, Ana carefully rolled over, burying her nose in the hollow between Messy’s collarbone and her neck. “I love you, Messy,” she whispered, her voice filled with wonder.
Messy gave a happy little whimper and pulled her closer, and soon Ana was back asleep.
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