On my sixth birthday father finally allowed me to join him on a hunt. He explained that today we would only go around and check on the traps, instead of actively hunting something. He showed me how to disarm the empty traps and how to place them in new places. It took over half of the traps before we found a rabbit that was caught in one of the traps. It was moving around in the snare trap. My father said “Since it still is alive, we will need to kill it to end its suffering. If you don’t tell your mother, I will show you how it is done.” I nodded while I kept my eyes fixed on the animal. It was kind of funny to see it struggling as father moved closer and pulled out his knife. After father arrived behind the rabbit he said “If it is too much for you, you can turn away” as he said this, he placed his knife on the neck of the rabbit.
After he shot me one last glance, he sliced the neck open. I saw how blood splattered out of the neck of the creature. I saw how its movements became slower and slower until it just stopped after a while. I didn’t notice how father arrived next to me and said something, I could only replay the scene of the rabbit dying over and over again. And I felt something for the first time. I didn’t just feel happy as that word does not encompass the everything of the emotion that I was feeling. It was pure ecstasy.
It took me a few minutes to focus back to the present. Father seemed to be concerned probably because I had not reacted to him for the past few minutes. I decided to calm him down a bit, so I said “Everything is fine I was just a bit distracted. That was really…” I lacked a word to put the feelings I was feeling, so I settled on the next best thing “…beautiful. When can I kill my first rabbit?”
This seemed to have calmed him down a bit, although he still looked confused. After he picked up the now dead rabbit we started moving to next trap. As we walked through the woods he started talking “It’s fine to be shaken. You are doing way better than me. It took me almost a month until I could pick up a knife up again. Maybe the difference is the way you look at this whole thing. It is indeed something beautiful to be part of a larger ecosystem. If you really want to try it you can kill the next animal we find.”
Now it was my turn to be confused. Why was he shaken when he saw something so fun as this? I thought about asking him about what exactly he meant but I decided against it for the time being, since maybe I was really a bit shaken and just hadn’t noticed it.
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During our walk he began explaining how to find and track animals with nearby footprints. While he talked about the intricacies of hunting my mind just kept wandering back to the rabbit. It’s kicking feet and the complete silence after it died. I only regained focus almost at the end of our tour when we found a fox in a trap.
“It seems you bring me good luck. Although foxes don’t taste good, we can keep the meat for the winter.” After my father said this, he turned around to me “If you still want to do it you can try it.” I didn’t even think about it and took his knife.
He nodded and said “Okay if, you are sure. You need to make a clean cut, so the fox does not suffer to much, so put your back into the cut.” I listened and then started to approach the fox and began circling it. It noticed me getting closer and began snarling and growling at me. After I hesitated for a moment, I continued my journey. And arrived behind the creature. I felt how its body radiated heat and placed father’s knife on the neck of the fox. After I looked up to my father, he said “Try to move the knife a bit higher and then make the cut.”
I took a quick breath and began cutting. I could feel the knife penetrating the skin and flesh. After I pulled knife across the entirety of its neck I could feel something hot flowing across my fingers. I saw how the blood dropped from my fingers to the ground. I felt how the body was struggling to survive. I moved my face a bit closer to the animal to see the eyes. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. The pure panic and fear in the eyes. And then as it drew its last breath, I saw the eyes stop moving a glazing over. Father pulled me away from the corpse and hugged me. He stood between me and it. Although I couldn’t see, feel or smell it anymore the experience burned itself into my mind.
After I could think straight again, I noticed I was laughing. I tried to calm myself down because I noticed that father was crying. It took me a few minutes because my laughter returned every time I remembered its death struggles. I then finally asked “Why are you crying? Is everything alright?” As he pulled himself away from me, I saw his face and saw his tear covered face and guilt. I suddenly wanted to see more of these emotions. My thoughts were interrupted by him as he said “I am sorry. I should not have brought you on this trip, you’re still too young for this. How about we go wash up at a river nearby and then return home for today. And not a word to your mother.”
Although I still wanted to continue, I doubted that we would find more animals. So, I just nodded. After we arrived at the river I looked down and noticed that my sweater and arms were covered in dried blood. I got one last whiff of the odour before I took off my sweater and began washing it and myself. After I got back into my, now slightly wet, sweater, I noticed that it now smelled wrong.
