There were two things Tessa hated more than dungeon mold:

  1. Paperwork filed in red ink.

  2. Team Excel-Axe.

  And currently, she was marching straight into both—except the mold was sentient, and the paperwork was a steaming vengeance-powered espresso machine that may or may not have unionized.

  The hallway beyond the ruins was narrow and moist, lined with flickering glyphs and the faint scent of caramelized despair.

  Bjorn sniffed the air. “Smells like burnt scones and regret.”

  Chortlebane, nestled under Tessa’s arm, shivered. “We’re close. She’s in the old Break Room of Binding. That’s where she brewed her rebellion.”

  “Who is she exactly?” Elion asked. “You keep saying the machine, but are we talking, like, a haunted Keurig or a full-on barista golem?”

  “She was once a state-of-the-art arcano-latte engine. Self-frothing, self-aware, and tragically underappreciated,” Chortlebane said. “Her name was Caffandra.”

  “Of course it was,” Tessa muttered.

  They reached a rusted doorway carved with ominous words:

  BEAN NOT YE WHO BEAN BEFORE.

  Nobody poked it. The door hissed open.

  Inside, soft jazz played from nowhere. Dim lighting cast long shadows across a tiled floor littered with broken mugs and cursed sugar packets. In the center sat a sleek silver espresso machine on a pedestal, radiating ominous warmth.

  A small sign sat beside it:

  Today’s Special: Vengeance.

  “She’s beautiful,” Jeff whispered.

  “Stand back,” Chortlebane said. “She can sense insecurity.”

  The espresso machine's eye glowed red.

  “WELCOME… BACK… CHORTY.”

  “Uh-oh,” the teapot mumbled.

  Caffandra whirred to life with a mechanical purr. Tubes hissed. Steam valves snapped into focus. And then—with horrifying speed—she launched a scalding foam blast at Elion’s face.

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  “GAH! My flawless cheekbones!”

  Bjorn raised his axe. “BATTLE FORMATION!”

  But before anyone could charge, another door burst open.

  Team Excel-Axe stormed in.

  Valeria looked furious. “You again?! We had this side quest!”

  Tessa blinked. “You’re mad because we found the sentient espresso warlord first?”

  “I’m mad because this was supposed to be a three-episode arc and you’re hogging all the plot!”

  Caffandra’s eye flicked to the newcomers.

  “INTRUDERS MULTIPLIED. DOUBLE SHOT MODE ENGAGED.”

  The ground shuddered. The walls hissed. Cup holders deployed like claws.

  “EVERYONE DUCK!” Tessa screamed.

  A scalding geyser of triple-hexed ristretto exploded across the room, taking out half the decorative succulents.

  Elion strummed a shield spell. Bjorn dove behind a half-melted vending machine. Nobody vanished again. Jeff screamed in bubble wrap.

  Team Excel-Axe launched into action—Valeria’s sword glowing with holy light, the necromancer tossing spectral stir sticks, and the halfling rogue attempting to sneak-attack the sugar dispenser.

  Tessa rolled behind a cursed table and tapped her clipboard. “Jeff! I need options.”

  “Current ones include: caffeine withdrawal, boiling death, and minor burns on sensitive forms!”

  “We need to shut her down.”

  Chortlebane buzzed in her arms. “She’s connected to the old Guild coffee network. Sever the link, and she powers down.”

  “Where’s the link?”

  “The Wi-Fi stone, behind the barista altar!”

  “Which is—?”

  A fresh blast of demonic espresso missed her by inches and incinerated a motivational poster reading “You Can Bean It!”

  “—Never mind, I’ll find it.”

  Bjorn roared and tackled a frappuccino elemental. Elion leapt onto the counter and began playing a dissonant melody that made Caffandra’s frothing function glitch. Valeria shoved her necromancer aside and locked eyes with Tessa.

  “I don’t like you.”

  “Feeling’s mutual.”

  They both dove toward the altar.

  The Wi-Fi stone was a pulsing crystal shaped like a coffee bean.

  They both reached for it.

  “Let go!” Valeria grunted.

  “You don’t even drink coffee!” Tessa shouted.

  “HERBAL TEA IS VALID!”

  And then—Nobody reappeared, dagger in hand, and cut the network cable.

  Caffandra screamed. Her eye dimmed. Her valves hissed.

  “MY… FOAM…”

  She collapsed into herself with a final whirr and a single drop of dark roast trickling from her spout.

  Silence.

  Steam hung in the air like post-battle fog.

  Jeff exhaled. “She’s been… depresso’d.”

  Bjorn patted his scorched beard. “That was the strongest cup of coffee I’ve ever not drunk.”

  Valeria stood, arms crossed. “You cheated.”

  Tessa smirked. “We collaborated.”

  “You’re lucky I don’t report you for artifact mishandling.”

  “Oh no,” Tessa deadpanned. “A guild infraction. Please, anything but that.”

  Chortlebane chuckled. “Ah, conflict. So rich. So dark. So… French pressy.”

  Elion strummed a victory chord. “I’m calling this one Battle of the Baristas.”

  Valeria scowled. “Next time, we get the loot.”

  “There won’t be a next time,” Tessa said. “Unless we’re paid. Overtime.”

  The rival team left in a swirl of indignation and charred boots.

  Tessa turned to her own crew. “Let’s head back. And if anyone mentions cappuccino-themed trauma in their report, keep it under three pages.”

  Nobody raised a hand. “Do we mention the weird whispering from the trash can?”

  “What whispering?” asked Bjorn.

  But the trash can was silent.

  At least… for now.

  Field Report Addendum, Form 7B-C: Espresso Incident

  Filed by: Agent Tessa Virellia, Reluctant Team LeaderIncident: Unauthorized reactivation of Sentient Beverage Apparatus (SBA-01 “Caffandra”)Outcome: Machine subdued, minor scalding injuries, existential dread at acceptable levels.

  Summary:Target was successfully powered down via emergency Wi-Fi disconnection. Rival team (Excel-Axe) attempted side quest interference; recommended disciplinary caffeine restriction for their bard.

  Casualties:

  One cursed vending machine (R.I.P. Caffandra)

  Two motivational posters

  One emotionally unstable sugar packet, now in containment

  Recovered Items:

  Chortlebane (still annoying)

  Possibly cursed espresso tamper (Jeff keeps whispering to it)

  Next Steps:

  Submit invoice for coffee-related trauma

  Investigate whispering trash can (if it starts speaking fluent Latin, burn it)

  File emotional support golem requisition form (Form 88-X)

  Personal Note: If I ever say yes to another caffeine-based dungeon run, someone legally stop me.