Uh oh.
“Please Teodor, call me Terry. And I do not plan to cause any trouble. Moreover, my background is in spotting trouble and helping to alleviate it. Not simple quick fixes but actual lasting change.”
I will not use the phrase ‘three pump chump’. I will not use the phrase ‘three pump chump’. I will not use the phrase ‘three pump chump’.
“Teodor huh? Presumptuous to not use the Councilor title, no?” Uros’ unctuous voice was grating to my ears.
“We are all here for a dinner and to enjoy each other’s company, are we not? Why would we need to be so formal Uros? That sounds like something best left to the Council chambers, no?” I really hope Katarina didn’t lie to me here.
Every partner of a Councilor raised their glasses to that immediately, eliciting a laugh from the entire table. “I see you were trained in further etiquette. A conversation with Lurka is in order.” Uros was still smiling but there was a cold look in his eyes.
Time to go interesting dinner guest mode. Not my favorite but I’ve had to use it often.
Consultant survival tip #153: As you start to interface with more and more important people regularly, you need to develop different ‘personas’ for different situations. Outside of work interactions take on far more meaning. Talking about work at a dinner with a client and their partner is a good way to get shuffled off to ‘useful but boring’ and not brought in on the most important projects.
“Why would one suspect foul play in knowing how to comport oneself? To return to the conversation at hand, Teodor, first off that is a lovely chain on your wrist. And did you have questions about my background or were you just looking for an entertaining story?”
After about 15 minutes of small talk – it sucks judging time without my AAI interface access – 10 waiters emerged each bearing a bowl of soup. I still hadn’t touched my drink and used the distraction to slip the wand up my sleeve. Then realized I had no idea how to use it.
No sooner than the idea of checking for poison occurred, it felt like a spiritual wave gently emitted from my mind and I felt it latch on to something. A soft green light emerged from my sleeve over the drink and I felt the idea of safety as feedback in my head.
“Oh my Katarina, did you really give him that? You devilish rascal! Like any of us would try poison here, we know this table is so enchanted it would be foolish. Didn’t you have them do something special when it detects poison? I know you love your little extra effects.” Marko Azarov was looking like she had told a particularly good joke while Uros looked offended but I couldn’t tell if it was real or feigned.
“Did you really think anyone would poison you here? What kind of fools do you take us for?” Uros held a hand to his chest.
How do I save this one? Do I throw Katarina under the bus? No, I think I make a statement here to say I am on guard, not an entertaining plaything.
“I am a cautious man. I am new in town and someone with a matching body caused a significant amount of trouble. Why risk it? It might offend some but if they are understanding of my situation, they will overlook it. If not, do I want to deal with them anyway?” I had gotten a little more forceful than I wanted at the end but a clap of approval from Aleksandra Podlipa and a small nod from Katarina made me think it was a reasonably good move.
“Well said. And yes Marko. If the table detects poison and if the table suspects someone is trying to use it nefariously, rather than say it was poisoned in the kitchen and brought to the table, it will shoot a concentrated light beam at their crotch. Not enough damage that a little specialized healing won’t fix but it’s still a rather nasty experience from what I’ve heard!”
She held a hand to her chest and laughed, shooting her husband a smile. “We had a visiting dignitary from The MM set it off when he added some extremely hot spices to his wife’s meal. Oh that was such a funny night, wasn’t it Maksim? I won’t reveal the whole way it works but it’s really ingenious.” Katarina looked in her element with the entire table focused on her.
Just to keep up with appearances – and magic was really fun to cast – I used the wand on the soup as well. It came back as safe and I began to enjoy the lovely five course meal. The company wasn’t too bad either for the most part.
***
“Yes, my daughter Dahlia, she can be quite strong-willed.” At the sudden rise in tension around the room, Marko looked to me.
I wasn’t sure what to say so I said nothing. The awkward silence stretched for over a minute. The waiters started to bring in the meat dish – a lovely chicken paired with garlic potatoes – and quickly aborted, entering the kitchen soundlessly.
He nodded to himself and continued. “I do not know the details. I would love to believe my darling daughter did nothing wrong. But she has picked up a philosophy of the ends justifying the means. Damn that Pitolan delving academy, giving her a ridiculous sense of arrogance.”
Katarina raised her glass to that, this time more solemnly.
“Yes, I forgot you lost your niece. It is great for teaching delving but it also inflates the ego far too much. But, as I was saying, I – and my family – apologize for any supposed mistreatment, that may or may not have occurred. If something did actually happen, it was unbecoming of our house and I will make amends. I only ask that you don’t look too harshly on her should you come in contact in the future. Just on the off chance she might have done something, I have chastised her and taken away her AAI privileges inside our estate.”
That is some first rate BS language but at least the sentiment is mildly appreciated.
At a raised eyebrow from Aleksandra, he coughed awkwardly. “Well, I took away her distance communication and entertainment options. All communication with anyone outside the estate has to be approved. She won’t be able to watch The Wandering Lotus on our large tablet for weeks and that seems to have hammered home the severity of her misstep. Err, supposed misstep allegedly. I’d like to think we would have done the same if you weren’t so important but I hope it is a consolation either way.”
I nodded appreciatively but continued to say nothing.
Consultant survival tip #65: When someone else makes it awkward, it is best to acknowledge what they said but not focus or comment on it. Unless you want to leverage the point further, make it easy for everyone to move on quickly.
And quickly it did as Katarina told a joke that didn’t quite translate but seemed to be extremely bawdy.
***
As we were heading into dessert and a final reprieve from thinly veiled barbed commentary from Uros – everyone else seemed to be having a genuinely nice meal and ignoring him, especially his wife – I was starting to get both weary and wary. The conversation hadn’t exactly turned towards my proposals but there seemed to be a jubilant mood as if their problems were already solved.
“Yes, I actually reached out to my friend on the Struva Council today. They would love if we could help in draining the essence down in their rifts. Even more so if we could actually get that foul null out of their rifts. Their initial economic proposal sounded far more generous than I expected and that was just her initial stalking horse bid.”
Teodor Bondar cannot hold his liquor.
After about three drinks, he started to get more and more loose lipped. This was the fourth thing he had said that was related to me but I still just smiled placidly. Shortly before, another few functions of my AAI had turned on.
[AAI Interface restored. AAI Translation is still active. AAI short-range communication available. Connection to Planet Web still unavailable. Recording functionality still unavailable.]
[Incoming Message from Velez Councilor Katarina Illeva: You are doing a wonderful job dear. I know you want to escape – yes, you aren’t that good at hiding it – but I will need to see you after dinner. I’ll make it worth your while.]
I appreciate her help but still. I just want to get out. And really talk to Gabor.
“Oh Teodor, again, let’s talk Council business tomorrow,” Aleksandra said, patting his arm. Another round of cheers from the partners. “But I do agree. If we are able to solve this problem for the region, that may lead to a true boom for Velez. I know my friends in Pitola and Ocrid are excited to chat further.”
She gestured wildly with her drink yet somehow not spilling a drop. “You all have welcomed us with such open arms after we left Pitola; expanding the Council by two seats was such a smart move. But we may need to prepare for significant upheaval if our small hamlet – yes Katarina, it is small in the grand scheme – is to not be overtaken by larger forces. Oh, look at me, I am as bad as Teodor!”
Dessert, a wonderfully fluffy cake with layers of different colored creamy frosting, was delicious. The smell was somewhat ruined by everyone taking out different smoking apparatuses and starting to light up. At least the colors are pretty? The looks on their faces said it was likely something pretty powerful.
A waiter arrived with a hookah on a tray and some powdered substance next to it for me. “Sir, your
That sounded like the fun sex drug Jasna mentioned. Wait… uh oh…
Glancing to me, Katarina burst into laughter. “Oh dear, I guess maybe you’ve heard of this one? Wow, you do get around in only four days! But no, it’s just a great way to relax the muscles and mind so you can better reflect after a meal. We aren’t that kind of a dinner party group.”
“We can of course invite you to one if you’re interested, right honey?” Teodor’s wife gave him her best puppy dog eyes.
“Maybe not the right time to discuss, my dear.” He looked nervously around but no one seemed to care one bit.
Consultant survival tip #55: You will probably be offered mind-altering substances – usually only alcohol – pretty frequently. Your job is to remain lucid. If you want to get fired, whether by a client or the consulting company itself, the easiest way is to get reported for drug usage. It’s also not a great idea in general to lose faculties around your clients.
Isekonsultant survival tip #14: Don’t do the wacky tabacky around the people who can squish you that you can’t trust farther than you can throw them. Whether that is a metaphorical squish – economic, social, political, etc. – or a literal one. Especially not the horny wacky tabacky.
Thankfully, I only had another 10 minutes to endure before people started leaving. Uros stayed far past that but after I only gave one to five word answers to ten straight questions, his wife cut in. “He’s clearly had a long day and we are keeping him from ending it. Know when you are no longer winning dear. Especially when the other person stopped playing. It’s time to go.”
The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.
I expected a flash of anger but instead he turned and bowed his head slightly. “Right you are Mina my love, as always. Right, Carver, I shall be seeing you.” Without another word, he swept from the room. Mina gave me an assessing look and followed after him.
I literally saw Katarina counting and once it hit 30, she turned to me. “I’d give you a B+, quite good for your first political meal. Anyway, Teodor is awaiting us in the study to debrief.” At my quickly stifled sigh, she laughed. “Yes, I promise it will be quick.”
We walked down the hall and she placed me in the same waiting room from before and then ran off quickly.
“Overall, I think Uros was against the proposals, but he always is unless there is a specific benefit to him. Aleksandra bringing up talking to other cities on her own? Almost scandalous but yes, if this works as we think, it could lead to some incredible opportunities.” Katarina had changed in a flash into something resembling sweat pants. Her husband was still in his sparkly suit and she kept turning to check him out, the lust evident on her face.
“Oh I know, that was such a turn for her. But she really is looking to get back at some people in Pitola and a few other cities that rejected them so we have to be careful with that. It could be an olive branch or it could be a cudgel. Let’s make sure it’s the former. A very expensive olive branch but still.” Teodor was swirling a misting drink of pure black that smelled a lot like boat fuel.
Apparently Teodor had been hamming it up and only his first two drinks were even alcoholic. It was a ruse to put some of the more contentious of Terry’s positions on the table to see reactions. His wife was relaxing in another room of the house, watching something on their large-screen tablet.
“Hey, remember, person here, not political asset.” I was tired and was pretty well through with the niceties.
“Oh yes, we know, don’t be so dramatic. I have to beg a few things of you. First, we have another proposed trial of the bracelet changes in two days – you have tomorrow off. You will be delving with an advanced group but Ratmir wants more data. Don’t push back on that. We want to show you playing ball. Even foregoing the rift reward might make a good show of things.”
She held up her hand to forestall me. “Let me get everything out and then we can discuss. Please. I really want to partner with you. One, you’re not bad on the eyes.” At a scoff from her husband, she laughed. “Yes, look but don’t touch. But on the actually important points, you can help save this city. My family have been here for over 200 years. We have bled and we have died to protect it. You are our best chance of getting through this awful situation.
“Second, you are set to make me very rich – yes, far beyond this manse – and I want to keep you happy. A happy golden goose is far better than a caged one that might lash out. Third, I abhor everything that was done to you. By Barry, by Zalano, by Dahlia, by Tilda.” She was getting a bit riled up.
“By Tilda?” I was genuinely confused.
“Those boots are terrible and I know it because I bought a few pairs for the household staff. She probably overcharged you too!”
I genuinely laughed. It was like a pressure valve had burst and I couldn’t contain it, literally crying in mirth. Everyone looked a bit startled but eventually joined in.
“Thank you, I needed that. I do not put being ripped off – and honestly, these are actually comfortable, so not even sure you are correct there – on the same level as being ripped from my world and body, being banished for something someone who looks like me did, or someone conducting dangerous experiments on me. As a certain wizard on my world would say, ‘You’ve got to sort out your priorities.’”
“I thought you didn’t have magic on your world. No matter, yes, I see your point. But my family clawed its way from the bottom through mercantile strength and being flimflammed annoys me to no end.”
“Back to the matter at hand?” I pleaded. I want to go home. Or I guess the inn and sleep. Is the inn already home?
Teodor looked to her and shrugged. “I played my part. I think we can all come to an agreement in the near and longer term.”
He took a breath and steepled his fingers. “Terry, we are going to ask that you go against a few of your desires – hold please – but only for a short while. This rift in two days is nearer to Struva and it will be a good way to show Velez’s good faith but also our strength. This can put us on the map but it can also place a target on your back. We need to keep you safe. And we will. But we need your compliance for a bit.”
“And why should I believe you will protect me? I get that I could be the golden goose but I am also a disruptor. People in power love someone who disrupts, especially when they don’t come from the already powerful.”
Stay focused. Yes, you are tired but keep it together. Don’t let grumpy Terry run your mouth.
Secret consultant survival tip #1: Your inner voice is a grump. Don’t let it take over when you are stressed. It will not lead to great things.
Isekonsultant survival tip #15: Don’t yell at one of the few groups that seems aligned with your interests. Try to get them to see that a closer partnership is beneficial to them. Find out what they want and adjust your pitch to it. Don’t get washed away but don’t think you are the powerful river that can move mountains just yet.
“Sorry, I am stressed and tired here. And Risto gave me a good kidney shot earlier that hurts with every movement. How are we actually aligned? Can you lay that out for me?”
“Again, best interests of Velez, we both care about this city,” Katarina answered quickly. “But economically, my family is big on agricultural trade in the area so preventing rift breaks is best for me since farm land is the most likely to get damaged. We also have some insurance contracts around town walls and the like that we started placing at the start of the null zone fiasco. They are very lucrative as long as the walls don’t get destroyed. You prevent breaks, we rake it in without paying to replace walls or for lives lost.”
“As for me, we are heavily dependent on a number of goods that come from rifts. We run the high-end trade business and supplying adventurers with goods and services. While we probably aren’t going to be able to sell a lot of services locally, we need delve rewards to trade with other areas of the Kingdom. And even The MM through approved means of course.” Teodor looked slightly desperate.
“Ah, so you are already overextended because things have gotten worse over the last few months. I’d love to get more data on delves and dig into your books if that’s possible. Sounds like a good place to optimize.”
Surprisingly Maksim spoke up. “Yes, yes, we will all be fabulously wealthy if this goes off. But let’s focus on, you know, saving our area of the Kingdom? That blasted King won’t get off his fat sickna or fatter checkbook to help us.”
We quickly focused on a number of smaller details but it seemed like things were going to be okay.
***
Things were not okay.
Things were very not okay.
As soon as I got outside the range of the AAI block, my interface popped back up in full and I checked my messages. [Message Reply From Gabor Gogol, Received 1 Bell Ago: Hey, I have been cleaning up a right mess all day, hopefully you got to Tilda. There was a Tier 2 dungeon break southeast of town. Killed a bunch of people, crippled one of my guards – he might not make it.
I won’t be able to spend much time together tomorrow but keep me updated. And swing by the house, Tiesa is making some rosemary potato dumplings that are amazing and I might not be there to enjoy them.]
Well sodus, that explains why he wasn’t available to chat today. I need a broader group to ask for help I think…
Caught in my self-reflection, I almost missed the notification of additional messages. [Message from Vana Soroka, Received 1 Bell Ago: Hey, Tilda showed up and is not happy you aren’t here. She seems to be in a mood. Get your cute butt here immediately.]
[Message from Vana Soroka, Received One Half Bell Ago: Tilda is starting to cause trouble. I am charging you more for this. Her singing is horrible but apparently the audience is into the hip gyrations accompanying it. I’d take a video but you are on my sodus-list.]
[Incoming Message from Vana Soroka: Where the jebbie-ing jebbie are you, you little jebbie! I am going to jebbie-ing – NO TILDA! Sodus, that’s in the message. Too late, jebbie. GET. HERE. NOW!]
Realizing I was in trouble, I picked up my pace as fast as possible. I bumped into a few people and had to apologize but without an AAI connection I couldn’t communicate, and they just either glared or looked concerned.
I arrived less than ten minutes later to a scene of utter chaos.
Two men were wrestling with their shirts off in the corner and had what appeared to be some kind of oil on them, Tilda was on a table dead center of the dining area leading a singalong that appeared to be so raunchy, my AAI redacted about 30% of the words, and surprisingly, Vana was on another table nearby singing along and drinking merrily from a flagon of ale in each hand.
Both women were wearing skirts that were short enough that they almost certainly shouldn’t be up on a table but as Vana kicked one of her legs high in the air, it seemed there was an enchantment blocking a view of anything untoward.
I’ll have to ask her about that later. Not sure how you do that without it sounding weird but it’s really interesting magic.
“OH, HERE HE FINALLY IS! THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!” Vana gracefully leapt from table to table, only stepping in one patron’s stew but they seemed to not care and continued humming along and eating from their bowl. She landed in front of me and, having not spilled a drop on the trip over, tipped both flagons over my head.
“There, now we’re half even you lout!” She gave me a giant grin and then hugged me. And then recoiled immediately. “You’re wet!”
“And you’re loud. And drunk. I’m sorry, Gabor was supposed to tell Tilda but he was dealing with a dungeon break southeast of town.” She looked slightly queasy. Hopefully at the news and not from the booze. “I should have sent you a message when I hadn’t heard back but I was pulled into a required dinner with a number of Councilors.”
“Well look at your fancy ass, already getting called up to meet and eat with the bigwigs. What did ya do, solve the null crisis?” At me not responding, she just chuckled. “No sodus, well, hopefully it’s an actual solution. We could really use that. How was the food?”
Consultant survival tip #78: No matter where you are eating, if you ever plan to return, whether it is a fast food place or the fanciest restaurant you’ve ever been, compliment the food there over any other place you go. And if it is terrible, don’t return anyway.
“Your food is way better.” At her scoff, I took her hand that was still wet and slightly sticky from the beer. “Vana, you are an amazing innkeeper and better cook. I would take your fare over that fancy stuff any day. Yours has love and care.” She started to tear up.
“Plus, I was only 30% sure it wasn’t poison and the portions were tiny.” She snorted and slapped me hard on the shoulder.
“Well, I best get cleaned up.” She placed her hand on a glowing spot behind the counter and immediately looked sober. “I’ll bring you a bowl of stew and an ale. We’ll have water tomorrow, finally caught the well sodus-er and I can make you a proper cup of tea or coffee tomorrow morning! They just need one last casting on it tonight to cleanse it.”
“I think I’ll wait a day.”
“Damn, you were my test case. Think I can get Tilda to swing by tomorrow early for a test? Or, you could take her up to your room…” She gave me a wink and then looked at my wince. “Problem?”
“Yeah, she’s drunk. Not okay.”
“Ah, there’s a good lad. I meant more you on the floor and her drunk snoring sickna in the bed but easily misinterpreted. Anyway, you go enjoy the entertainment and I’ll get you some food and that ale.”
Tilda managed to sing for another hour before she was finally tuckered out. The crowd had grown from five or so the previous night to over 50 and they started good-naturedly booing me as I picked her up in a princess carry. Vana sent me her address via AAI and I walked off to put her to bed properly.
Getting her to clean her teeth was a chore and she asked me to change her into her night clothes – which I stubbornly refused – before she was settled into bed with a bucket on the floor and glass of water on the nightstand. Her local well was fine.
I got back to the inn as everyone was filing out and caught Vana’s eye. She gave me a wink and went to cleaning the absolutely filthy room. “You know, I ought to charge you for the broken chairs. Three tonight,” she called to my back as I was heading up the stairs.
I peeked my head back around. “Only if I get a cut of the increased take from a 10x boost to your customer count.”
She waved a hand good naturedly. “I already drew you a bath. You aren’t going to bed in that beer-soaked mess. Leave it by the tub and I’ll have it cleaned for you by tomorrow night. I swear, you are the messiest boy. Aren’t you supposed to be 30?”
I bathed, updated my priority list, spent a few minutes outside enjoying the stars – certainly doesn’t look close to what I remember at home… or is this home now? – and went to bed. I was so emotionally drained, I didn’t even have time to think, much less do a lesson or have any additional panic attacks.
***
NOTES APP
End of Day 4 Needs and Goals
Current wealth:
[~2 gold to spend, 2.7 gold reserved]
Immediate Needs – INs:
0) prevent shackles, whether golden or not – ongoing
1) investigate experimentation regarding null essence
2) learn to fight better
3) prevent retaliation from Dahlia – ongoing
4) prepare for delve on First Day (day 6)
Short-term Goals – STGs:
1) start to cultivate contacts in the city to prevent further machinations – Nikolaj? Councilors?
2) train to not get beat by kids; be able to go five full minutes of training without a full strike from Risto or Gabor
3) language learning to be close to conversational in under a month
4) begin training to be able to reach at least Tier 2 in the next year
5) do NOT hurt long-term cultivation; play it safe rather than do irreversible damage
6) healing potion?
Long-term Goals – LTGs:
0) get to a safe level of power to not be squishable at all times
1) get contact info for Axe, Liene, Stannis, Miklos
2) begin finding market inefficiencies, start Galactic Trade Federation Empire 2.0? – Start with banking?
3) decide on long-term fighting style or find ways to cultivate that exclude fighting
4) find a girlfriend/partner. Whatever they call them here.
5) start to design a new sigil or house insignia
Previous needs and goals progress or accomplished:
INs:
0) prevent shackles, whether golden or not – in progress
1) deal with aftermath of Ignition ceremony – mostly accomplished
2) prevent retaliation from Dahlia – potentially dealt with(?)
STGs:
1) decide on Tier 1 essence splits – done
2) do NOT hurt long-term cultivation; play it safe rather than do irreversible damage – some progress?
LTGs:
None
Who is your favorite non-MC character so far?