I quietly turned the tablet off, staring into the distance, bringing the heated conversation next door back as the only thing potentially distracting me from my thoughts. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't make out what they were saying.

  Is this really a dream?

  I started drawing a clock with my finger, supposedly something that you couldn't do in a dream.

  Or is that an Alzheimer's test?

  My mind began to spin.

  Is this real? Shit, what if this is actually real?

  Looking for any distraction, I glanced back at the now-blank tablet. That's not my face…

  Using the device as a rather ineffective monochrome mirror, I examined myself. I woke it back up and tried for 30 seconds to find a camera function but felt like my parents trying to work technology: frustrated, confused, and at least a little embarrassed.

  The chin was rugged and wide and what I thought other people called handsome. I always struggled with what was supposedly handsome or not. The nose was broad and seemed to go well with the face. I couldn't tell what color the – my – eyes were but thought they might be gray and the iris was flecked with white and black – or I guess, light and dark.

  Overall, I thought my face was nice. Young and clean shaven, but still nice.

  The hair was another thing altogether.

  Maybe it was the peak of fashion on wherever I was – am I really dismissing the dream thing already? – as I’d really only seen a few men's haircuts thus far. If asked to describe it, I would say it was like a messy shallow bowl cut, like someone had only heard the description of a bowl through six retellings and said bowl was made by a clumsy five year old with attention problems.

  To call it unsightly was an insult to the word.

  Maybe some anime hairstyles could match that description and look good but this was close to the worst movie friar monk cut joke style I could imagine – at least sans the shaved top part of the head.

  It was hard to guess an age but the face – my face – looked more like a late teenager than my 29 year old, pudgy-going-on-chubby self. All the travel and salty food really had left me looking beyond my ever-increasing years. It was always a new year's resolution to work out more but it never stuck past early February.

  But at least I had a normal-ass head of hair! Yes, it was thinning but I could style around that well!

  I think…

  Taking a moment to laugh at my follicular misfortune, I started to examine my body. No wonder I was able to jog at such a pace; I was quite well-muscled and in shape.

  I got up and moved around and the body responded better than I could ever remember my own doing on Earth. Maybe when I was 14, but that didn't come with actually defined muscles including a six pack. Squats didn't even have that weird little twinge! Pushups were a breeze! I did what I thought was a burpee and it was actually a little fun.

  Still, all in, I wasn't too upset with the changes. I could change my hair.

  At least I hope hair grows normally here…

  The people I'd seen looked pretty earth-normal, though the complexions and eye/hair colors were already non-standard to Earth. Maybe Myriam wears contacts? The skin tones from the 20-odd non-random sampling from the hunter and the short journey inside the city ranged from alabaster white to more dark-toned, like a white person with a deep tan. The hairstyles, much like the architecture, were more angular but it wasn't too crazy like all ear hair or something.

  Reflecting on what if this were actually real, I started to analyze what happened and how I was behaving. When on the job at a new client, I was very buttoned up the first few weeks – get to delivering value quickly but don't draw a lot of attention and thus expectations and scrutiny – so I could get a lay of the land. I was decidedly not doing that thus far.

  Consultant survival tip #12: It's better to have a reputation for being a bit boring, especially early in a contract, than almost anything else. You want people to be okay spending the time necessary with you and for them to be willing to share the information you need. You shouldn’t be giving up too much information or becoming the center of attention. Attention brings scrutiny and scrutiny brings MANY hassles.

  Thus far, I was in 'excited nerd mode' and, if I were really willing to believe this wasn't just some dream – I tried waking up again and pinching myself hurt, though not as much as it usually did through the toughened skin – I needed to start focusing on needs and goals.

  If this was like one of those stories I'd started reading on flights instead of working on yet another banal presentation and this was all real, what did I actually want to accomplish?

  I guess it depends on the world dynamics. If powerful people murder those weaker, then I want to get strong enough to not get squished.

  Get rich quick? Probably extremely dangerous and makes me a target. Get rich slowly through building an empire? Sounds fun.

  Building something up from the ground sounds interesting; I'm sick of coming in and helping when the shit hits the fan rather than just preventing said fecal flinging. Should I create a Sect of the Never-Slapped Face?

  …I'd also like to give a real relationship a try, it's been a while since I've had anything substantial, mostly a string of one and half to three month things that petered out.

  And magic of course, what moron wouldn't want to shoot fireballs or lightning, be able to destroy mountains with a punch, and fly?

  Maybe there's even a spell that automatically fills out your timecard?

  Okay, then how do I play this? I'd love to go all Xianxia protagonist but I need more information. And from Stannis' look, this Myriam person is not one to mess with.

  Temperament and power both.

  Information extraction is probably best. It's an annoying play but I need information more than anything else right now, then I can start to optimize my strategy.

  Suddenly, the door opened and I started. I was staring at the wall from a few feet away just thinking; I thought it probably looked weird. But I decided to eat the reputation hit and move forward.

  Consultant survival tip #139: If someone catches you doing something that might seem odd, it is usually best to not comment or address it at all yourself and move on. Any explanation will almost always dig your hole deeper. Most people don't really care much about the mundane eccentricities of others. You were weird, don't make it weirder.

  I tried to look nonchalant.

  Based on both their faces, I failed.

  Moving to the other side of the table and taking a seat, I glanced to Myriam who gave me a look I couldn't fully interpret.

  Was that pity?

  "There's only a short amount of time before the translation spell wears off and you'll need to be on your way. I'll go over a few important aspects of your time here in Zalano; then, Stannis here will escort you to get some needed items for your survival. Your time in our fair city ends at sundown."

  Important conversation self-note: ‘for your survival’ is ominous, dig deeper. I was using my mental bullet point approach to meetings where I couldn't take notes.

  I went to interject but she raised her hand and pulled out a tablet from seemingly nowhere and started to reference what might be an actual checklist. "I know you have many questions but we have policies for this exact reason. You were summoned here from another world. The culprit, Baritonimous Bartlesby – or Barry for short – has done this before. That's why we're not really surprised. There is a standard fine that we issue him when we discover his 'test subjects' – which is rarely compared to how many we suspect – that should get you pretty well on your way to getting equipped to live here on Putijama and in the Kingdom of Verdant Earth. Do remain in this kingdom as moving elsewhere will make you an enemy of us. Do you understand?"

  I nodded. Realizing she hadn't looked up, I said, "Yes, I understand. How much will I receive and can you give me an idea of how far that should go; basically, what I should expect in general pricewise for daily expenses?"

  "Yes, yes, Stannis will go over that as he takes you through town. As I said." She waived dismissively. "Wait, what? This can't be right." Myriam showed the tablet to Stannis. He grabbed the other tablet off the table in front of me, furiously typing for a few seconds and then seemed to shrug.

  "Well, it looks like your lucky day," Stannis said. Seeming to realize that might not really be the case, he gave an awkward wince but soldiered on. "Well, at least in this regard. It looks like Barry suddenly relocated to another kingdom last month so all of his confiscated funds for paying for his tests are to be remitted to you. Instead of the typical 30 gold, you'll be getting 75. That should set you up pretty nicely quite honestly. That's about 2 months’ pay for me."

  This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

  Myriam gave him the same look she'd given me.

  So it was pity.

  Still, screw that. Bag of holding, fireball, and a really cool spear or sword and shield combination here I come! And maybe someone can fix this awful hair…

  Myriam took back over. "First, we will scan your affinity. Hold this in your palm while we go over the rest."

  She rolled a tennis ball-sized clear orb across the conference table towards me. It made an oddly deep sound and when I picked it up, it was far heavier – and… weightier in a way I couldn't describe that pulled in my abdomen – than I expected.

  Mist immediately began to swirl within the orb, making mesmerizing patterns. They felt almost like words made manifest, like the lines were performing an interpretive dance I could almost comprehend. I waited for cool colors but it was all white, gray, and black.

  "Second, we need to ignite your Core and scan you to make sure your Tier 1 Innate Capability isn't dangerous. Then Stannis will take you to get some gear and escort you to the gate. You only have about <100 minutes> left on this spell and then you'll be unable to communicate well with anyone here unless you learn the language."

  I jumped into my 'five minutes from end of meeting' mode. "Can we rundown the facts so I actually make sure we're on the same page? What is an affinity and why does it matter? Next, I will get some kind of power; will this make me stronger? Able to do magic? Shortly after I get this new power, this spell will wear off and I won't be able to communicate with anyone? What is an Innate Capability? And why will survival be difficult?

  “And I'll only have a little bit of money to set myself completely up on a new planet and I can't live here in the city? Is there a reason? Are there many beasts out there? I was attacked by a squirrel in a dress and a giant white monster. Basically, what don't I know?" I tried to use my professional tone but at least a bit – probably a lot, let’s be honest – of pleading got in there at the end.

  Consultant survival tip #4: Never ask more than two questions without getting answers. Question avalanches are hard for the best of people to answer and offer lots of ways for people to not answer whichever of the questions they want. You want answers? KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid. Make it so you can tell what people are trying to avoid answering instead of giving them cover yourself.

  Trying to prevent a doom spiral of worries – I got zapped here and they immediately want me to get squished? – I tried to regain a bit of composure with a mindful pause. It didn't help that the orb had started to send odd tingles throughout my body – and what I thought of as my 'being' but not physical body.

  Stannis smiled placatingly. "75 gold is enough to get you well kitted out and we'll get you an AAI – Artificial Assistive Intelligence – so you can at least understand others and communicate after a fashion. We'll grab the gold from the front desk on the way out. The chip is usually quite expensive but that was also added to the test subject protocol after Cornelius."

  "Stannis!" Myriam chided then added quietly, though my apparently advanced hearing in this new body still caught it, "we aren't to discuss that. It's under an information blackout for all, especially someone who isn't even a Kingdom citizen yet."

  Returning to speaking to me directly, Myriam continued, "Yes, so your affinity will tell us what type of essence is best for your advancement. If you are aligned to green, I would have recommended the area to our east but that got messed the up all to hell a few months ago. Blighted land for years, maybe a decade. Morons!" She punched the table and it made a small dent, which felt weird for wood.

  Stannis looked questioningly at her but she ignored it.

  Regaining her composure with a small cough, she resumed. "Once we know that affinity, we'll be able to provide you direction to where it would be best to build your life, per our instructions."

  I didn't miss Stannis' wince as he was typing away at the tablet. He wasn't too great at keeping his cards hidden.

  Myriam looked to Stannis but he didn't add anything. "Next, we will awaken your cultivation through an injection of neutral essence. This is superior to the way they do it in the little villages,” she said dismissively, “and will ignite your Core, granting you an Innate Capability as you ascend to Tier 1. Our Ignition Center will determine if your Capability is a threat but otherwise your Innate Capability will remain confidential." She looked to Stannis, her part seemingly done.

  "Yeah, so then I'll take you around town to get some needed supplies, that AAI chip we'll do as late as possible so we can maximize the usability of the translation spell, and then I'll point you in a good direction. I applied for and got some additional things for you beyond the free AAI but we'll discuss that." Stannis ended with a shrug.

  Myriam glanced to the orb and then took a bigger pause, looking ponderous. "Please give that back," she said, pointing. As she picked the glowing orb up off the table, she flinched. This time she didn't whisper to Stannis but motioned towards the door with her head.

  Through the recently slammed door I could hear whispers but couldn't make much out more than 'null', 'impossible', 'yikes', and something that couldn't be translated but sounded foreboding.

  Sweeping back into the room, Myriam put on an obviously fake smile. "It really is a lucky day for you in a way. Your affinity is null. This simply doesn't happen here so normally, you would have a very difficult journey ahead. That said, to the east about <70 miles> (25km), there is now a null essence affinity zone because of the — err because of some unforeseen circumstances. Stannis will direct you there. And with that, I'm off. Good luck," Myriam said, sweeping out of the room at speeds I could barely track. The door shut with a moderately ominous click.

  Trying to look chipper, Stannis focused on me. "Oh, don't look so depressed lad, we'll get you sorted. Are you really not uncomfortable with that affinity, especially being so far from the null zone? Seems like it would be bothering me."

  That’s my secret. I’m always uncomfortable.

  He laid a comforting hand on my arm. "Up you pop, let's get everything done as quickly as possible. Once it goes to communicating via your AAI, it will be harder."

  At seeing the worried look on my face, he gave a genuine smile. "I'll get you to a good spot, I promise. I'll even give you my contact details if you have questions."

  ***

  "That tablet will be 125 gold," the merchant said, pointing to a resplendent device I thought might literally be engraved with gold and platinum.

  While my stomach dropped, Stannis just laughed. "You've got the wrong idea. He's new in town."

  Stannis paused in a meaningful way when he said that and the shopkeeper looked confused for a second before the pieces seemed to fall into place and he gave a wince. "So let's look at one more affordable, if you would be amenable to that fine customer?"

  It was the third such occasion of someone thinking they knew me – I presumed this Cornelius looked a lot like me and was famous – or infamous. The first was a couple trying to get handsy with me in the middle of the street. The second was a woman looking like she was going to throw a punch while the man with her averted his gaze.

  Whatever the backstory was, I realized it was probably going to be a problem.

  The vendor immediately shuffled over to a less ornate show cabinet. "These are the latest model. I usually sell them for 30 gold but for a friend of Stanley here, I'll cut it to 25. But I only have one left and two people came in yesterday just to check it out. So how does that sound? You know what, I'll even cut it to 22, final offer."

  I laughed at the awful sales pitch; not even getting Stannis' name right? I decided to go into hardball mode as Stannis said this was one of four or five shops in the area that should have tablets for sale and also had a good enough reputation to be approved by the guard for requisition of supplies.

  "I know a bad deal when I see one and that isn't a bad deal. It’s an awful one. I am looking for something that does the job and only the job. I want used but in good condition with a guarantee you'll repair or replace it if it breaks in the next 90 days." I slid over to the more dank and dreary section pointing at two tablets that were lazily heaped in the display with other various bric-a-brac. "How much? And make me a good offer. I don't want to haggle so this is your one chance."

  With an ugly look that he quickly tried to bring back to being friendly, the shopkeeper moved over to the case and looked at both units. "I will do seven gold for this one and six and a half for the other," he said, pointing to each unit. "If you want the guarantee, which is frankly an insult to our work, that will be another one gold for either."

  Looking to Stannis for a little guidance and receiving a blank stare, I shrugged and started walking out.

  "Okay, six!" the vendor yelled. I kept moving. "Five and a quarter! Okay, final offer, four and a half!" he bellowed to my retreating back. "Fine, then you, your mother a donkey in the and then…" The man stopped suddenly and I turned around to see why.

  Stannis, who had been leaving with me doubled back slightly, giving him a death glare. The very well-built guard slowly said, "Excuse me, what did you just say to someone under the official protection of the Kingdom Guard?" His voice was rather quiet and filled with a cold venom but still cut through all the noise on the street, making multiple passersby stop.

  Panicking, the shopkeeper said something garbled that sounded like an apology, looking like he might cry.

  "Best to pack up for the day and consider if this is the right line of work for you. I'll be having a word with your guild and recommending the Guard potentially remove you from the approved vendors list. Have a wonderful day," Stannis replied, all the feeling gone from his voice, which I thought made it somehow scarier.

  Holy crap, Stannis is hard. Note to self, do not mess with the nice but scary man. Also, the translation spell is preventing me from learning fun swear words.

  As we continued down the road, Stannis looked to me. "So, you want to tell me what that was all about? Seemed kind of strange when you got him down to a pretty good deal in the end." He seemed more friendly about it than I expected.

  "So, it's a haggling theory I had to develop from my time traveling, especially in China. If you find a slimy vendor, get information off them but don't buy from them if you can avoid it.”

  At his hand motion to go on, I continued, “I knew that he had a sense of about how much I should have – maybe the Barry fine is a known number – and tried to 'do me a solid' by letting me keep a little bit while selling me something overpriced. I want a used device anyway as I really don't know how much use I'll get and might have to upgrade sooner than later.

  “So I let him essentially tell me what a pretty good deal for a used tablet is and didn't give him any business to boot. Little bit of revenge plus good information."

  I gave what I hoped was a winning smile. I hadn't practiced it with this new body like I did with the old. Prior feedback on my smile before I practiced had been… mixed…

  Am I already thinking of this as my new body?

  "Heh, I've dealt with old man Novotny before. He's got great wares but an awful attitude and worse temper. Well done, I think we should go to the shop closest to the Core Ignition Center, I think you'll like the proprietor. Not bad on the eyes or the pocketbook if you know what I mean." He threw a conspiratorial wink my way.

  "Should I get my Core ignited first anyway? I don't know what Innate Capabilities are but what if I get something for haggling? Is haggling even a thing here?"

  "What!? How would it not be a thing?" Stannis' confused head tilt reminded me a bit too much of my friend's derpy dog so I had to suppress my laugh.

  "Where I'm from, most things have set prices so you know what you're paying. Well, mostly. They add on a tax at the end that can vary pretty wildly even between one block and the next sometimes. But you don't get to haggle. Isn't that what it's like at restaurants at least here?" I tried to imagine a restaurant where you negotiated the price of everything.

  "Plus, I’m in a bit of an antagonistic to vendors mood right this second and if you are taking me someplace you actually want to return to, a cooldown period might be nice."

  Consultant survival tip #124: If you are overwhelmed, look for any way to calm down before causing issues to your future self. After dealing with an asshat, it is best to not immediately deal with the coworkers you like. Adrenaline and other chemical reactions linger longer than most would think.

  "Ha, good that you know yourself that well. And yes, you being a jerk to Alena would not keep you in my good graces. She's so nice and keeps ordering these great books that are made of pictures. They aren't for kids though! But they are wonderfully illustrated. I have a few racks at home," Stannis said proudly. And we continued discussing what sounded like this world's version of manga as we entered the Core Ignition Center.

  Clapping his hands, Stannis looked my way. “Okay kid, you ready to ignite your heavens-defying Capability that will shake the realm to its very core?”

  I’d thought this was a more sane place that wouldn’t be filled with face slapping and random bouts of deadly lightning as a reward for doing well.

  Well, shit.