“So...” I begin, sitting at the head of the table. “Now what?”

  After Lust wandered off on her quest to find Pride, the rest of us left at the Adventurers Guild had gathered around a table in the corner of the room to discuss what comes next.

  Ever since Me, Mei-Mei, Biscuit, and Bran met back in the Curse Ward of Surstrom Spire, we’ve always had something we needed to do or somewhere we needed to be. More specifically, we always had a reason to stick together. Whether it was waiting out our fun and uneventful prison days in idle silliness, plotting and executing our escape, or being forced into slavery and made to participate in a super fun tournament, there was always something. But now there isn’t. For the first time since we met, all of us are now well and truly free.

  Mei-Mei is the first to answer the question that's been lingering on all of our minds.

  “Well, I have no prior commitments leading up to my arrest, nor do I have a home to return to. One day I would like to return to the dwarven capital of Mudkayek to check for any lingering remnants of my previous research, but I doubt any still remains. I’d also like to return to the ruins of the Spire to investigate those lower levels, but I imagine that would prove quite difficult on my own. For now, my current research on Curses has proved fruitful—specifically, Pepper’s in particular—so I’m quite content to remain with this group for the time being.”

  “I-I think...” Biscuit is the next to answer. “I want to s-stay together with everyone. A-and also Mom— Lust as well, when she gets back...”

  Bran slams his hands against the table, ready to speak his mind in—what I can already tell will be—a torrent of complaints within a bizarre rant.

  “Well, I really don’t want to be here when Lust comes back! Lust scares me! Her existence scares me! The fact that she’s just allowed to wander around and there’s nothing anyone can do about it scares me! Okay, so she didn’t manage to kill anybody in the Krumbledome this time, but doesn’t anybody remember what she did in the Spire?! Is this really okay? I still have nightmares about that day, you know! And what was even up with that tournament anyway?! I understand the Queen was using it as a premise to unite everybody against slavery or something, but now that it’s over, it’s like it never happened in the first place! This morning I saw Cinnamon buying vegetables at the market with a smile on her face and not a care in the world! Isn’t that weird?! Is that really okay?! Last week she was literally torturing people! She left me in a cage with no food or water, and if it wasn't for Biscuit bringing me pudding every day, I would've died! And don't get me started on how—!"

  As expected, Bran continues his long-winded rant, leaving our gathered group no choice but to listen to his unending list of complaints. Even the passing adventurers going about their own business are glancing over to our table in annoyance at the man’s non-stop whining.

  “—kind of psychopath breaks a person’s ribs in their sleep?! I still don’t even know why you did that to me! And how long has that damn zombie been doing weird experiments on me without me knowing?! How do you know what my blood type is?! Isn't that weird?! And now that I think about it, what kind of nineteen-year-old still wets the bed?! I mean, it's not your fault if you can't help it, but if you realize it's an issue then stay in your own bed and out of mine! Why am I always the—?!”

  “Keh! Alright, we get it!” Mei-Mei interrupts, cutting the man off. “You were unfairly torn from your happy, normal life for a crime you didn’t commit, and forced to endure the consequences of the actions made by a group of misfits who you couldn’t stand to be around. Sorry. Now that you’re a free man again, I suppose this is where we’ll be parting ways then.”

  “W-well...” Bran rubs awkwardly at his reddened palms, a little raw from slapping the table a bit too hard. “It’s not like things were going great for me before I was sent to the Spire either. I mean, if Biscuit didn’t find me on that day... Well, I don’t know. But I don’t have a place to go back to either, and it’s not like I have anything going on right now...”

  “So you are staying after all...” Mei-Mei sighs, before turning her attention my way. “And that just leaves...”

  Everyone gathered at the table turns my way, waiting for me to answer. Obviously, I don’t have one. Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked the question in the first place. My goal has always remained the same. Make one hundred friends and kiss one thousand girls on the mouth. But that’s more of a ‘future’ goal. I don’t really have a ‘now’ goal. Unless...?

  “Fwah!” Suddenly, an idea hits me, and I leap up from the table. “Let’s become adventurers!”

  Adventuring! Running off to cool new places, fighting strong monsters, and getting paid for doing it! I wasn’t going to bother wrapping my head around the whole ‘work’ and ‘money’ thing and instead just mooch off of Mash or Cinnamon during my stay in the city, but adventuring seems like a job with literally no downsides! I don’t see why everyone isn’t doing it!

  Before the others can voice any complaints about my decision, I skip my way across the room to where a bunch of adventurers seem to be queueing up. A row of desks line the back of the hall with smartly dressed people standing behind them, organizing paperwork, consulting with adventurers, and exchanging money for a quest complete.

  Walking up to one of the open desks, I slam my fist against it in excitement, startling the woman working behind it.

  “I want to do an adventure!” I tell her.

  “A-ah, you’re looking to sign up, are you? Give me one second...” Fishing around for something beneath her desk, she eventually produces a handful of papers and places them between us. “If you could just fill out your details on one of these, we can have your adventurers card ready and you can start accepting quests from us.”

  Grabbing a few for me and my friends, I take them back to the table, just in time to catch the end of Bran’s disapproving rant about not wanting to become an adventurer.

  “It’s fine, idiot,” Mei-Mei reassures him. “You don’t have to take quests that’ll only get you killed. People are always in need of gatherers to hunt for particular medicinal herbs. With my knowledge on medicines, it would be quite simple for us to make a lot of money by—”

  “Nuh-uh,” I interrupt with a shake of my head. “We’re gonna do the ones where we kill stuff!”

  “Of course we are...”

  “Wait, wait, wait!” Bran complains. “Why do we need to be adventurers though? Isn’t this a little sudden? I mean, a whole bunch of jobs probably just opened up in the city, right? If we’re planning on staying here, isn’t it better to find something more stable first? Or, you know, something that won’t immediately get me killed?!”

  “Actually, I agree with the gorilla on this one,” Mei-Mei answers. “The Adventurers Guild runs on a completely merit-based system. Meaning, becoming an adventurer is the quickest and most efficient way for a group of ex-convicts like us with no connections or credentials to speak of to get a footing in this city. Or any city with an operating Adventurers Guild, for that matter. I don’t plan on staying here forever, after all. Even if her reasoning is, Pepper’s idea isn’t actually as idiotic as it sounds.”

  “W-well, okay. But, if I’m going to be forced into more violent conflicts, can we at least prepare a little first? I mean, don’t we need, like, weapons and armour and stuff? Mei-Mei’s already dead so it doesn’t matter if she gets hurt, Biscuit can just run and hide, and Pepper is Pepper. But what am I supposed to do if I get into trouble?!”

  “Keh! Nobody’s forcing you to do anything, idiot! You don’t have to be an adventurer! Just stay behind if that’s what you want to do! Although...” Mei-Mei snaps back, before rubbing her chin in thought. “I do agree with the sentiment of wanting to be more prepared before we actually depart on a quest. Which is difficult, since we don’t have the initial funds to actually do that. Hmm... How about this...?”

  On that note, Mei-Mei climbs atop the table and crawls over to where I’m sitting. Without a word’s warning, she shoves her hand into my mouth, squeezing her tiny arm down my throat.

  “Fweh—?!”

  —And so I throw up.

  The feeling of Mei-Mei’s arm worming its way down my throat triggers my vomit reflex, and I find the familiarly strange feeling of something weird forming in the pit of my stomach, before it quickly becomes forcefully pulled up and out of my mouth by the invasive little dwarf. It’s not like I particularly mind her doing it, of course. But just a warning beforehand would have been nice though…

  “Keh-heh!” she cackles, pulling her hand—as well as the strange object in it—out of my mouth. “Finally something that doesn’t look like worthless junk. On the first try too!”

  Brushing the slimy residues off onto her coat, she carefully examines the weird thing she just pulled out of me. I don’t know what she’s looking for though. To me, it’s just another weird box with little buttons on the front. Definitely something I would have just sent back in again if I was on my own.

  “Oh!” Bran exclaims, taking a keen interest in it for some reason. “It’s one of those new handheld consoles I’ve been hearing about lately! I didn’t even realize they were out yet!”

  If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

  “Handheld console?” Mei-Mei gives the man a puzzled look. “And where exactly have you been hearing about this?”

  “Ah, it’s a gaming console. You can play games on it. I thought they were supposed to come out in another month or so, but this is definitely the one I’ve been hearing about. See, it’s got the number ‘two’ next to the logo and everything. They’re supposed to be a little expensive, apparently.”

  “Are they, now…?” After giving it one last look over, she reaches over and places the object in Bran’s hands. “Here.”

  “Huh…? For me…?”

  “Of course not, idiot. Since you seem to know what it’s worth, you’re going to find a place to sell that while we complete the adventurer registrations. After you come back, we’ll pick out a well-paying quest and then use the money to purchase some suitable equipment.”

  “O-oh. Right…” Looking a little disappointed, Bran takes the weird ‘console’ thing and leaves the Adventurers Guild, leaving me, Mei-Mei, and Biscuit to complete our sign-up forms. As well as Bran’s too, I guess.

  Not long after his leave, the man returns with a bag of gold, finding the rest of us gathered at the desk where I received the registration forms, arguing with the woman who initially gave them to me.

  “I—I’m not sure if we’re allowed to issue an adventuring license to goblins…”

  “It’s fine,” I tell her. “This goblin is actually a girl.”

  “O-okay…? While that is strange, it doesn’t really change the fact that it’s a goblin. I mean, I don’t even know why it’s allowed in here in the first place. In fact, there are even quests posted on our quest board to exterminate them!”

  “I told you, she’s a girl so it’s fine!”

  “Kiiikii kiiii!” the goblin screeches in agreement, stabbing at the desk with a handful of sharp cutlery she must’ve stolen from somewhere.

  “Again, it doesn’t matter what sex the goblin is! It’s still a goblin! It’s practically a wild animal that’s been let loose inside the guild for some reason! How is it supposed to sign a registration form when it can't even sign its own name?! Does it even have a name to begin with?!"

  “… Spicy Chorizo.”

  “You just made that up! You literally just made that up on the spot just now!”

  “Kikikikii!” Spicy Chorizo replies while waving her cutlery around in the air, clearly happy with the new name I’ve given her. Or incredibly upset and offended by it. It’s hard to tell.

  Seeing Bran walk in, I wave the man over and hold out his adventurers card for him to take. It’s a thin piece of cheap metal with his details and adventuring rank engraved onto it. Apparently we can get fancier-looking cards made of rarer metals as we rank up, but since we’re all a bunch of newbies, this is the best we’re gonna get for now.

  “Look, look!” I tell him, showing him the cards of the rest of the party. “Apparently adventurers like to use cool ‘adventurer names’, so we all worked hard to come up with some really badass ones that we can call each other when we’re out on a quest!”

  "That sounds… fine, I guess,” he replies, taking the stack of cards I’ve been waving in front of his face. “It’s a little embarrassing, but not much different to being called by your username in an online game, I suppose… Ah, this one is Mei-Mei’s. Looks like it just shows your rank, party role, name, and ID.”

  Handing the card to Mei-Mei, she takes it and places it into one of her many pockets. On it, it reads: ‘F-Rank Adventurer. Doctor. Mei-Mei.’ Alongside a string of random numbers that just look like meaningless nonsense to me.

  “What happened to using ‘cool adventurer names’?” He asks her.

  “Keh! As if I would participate in something so stupid. Besides, ‘Mei-Mei’ is already somewhat of an alias, so there’s no purpose in referring to myself as otherwise at this point.”

  “Next is…” Bran reads over the next card, before scrunching up his face in disapproval and holding it up for us to read. “… Who the hell is this supposed to be?”

  F-Rank Adventurer. Fluffy Body Pillow. Sexy Dynamite.

  “Biscuit, obviously,” I tell him.

  “Okay, but there is absolutely no way Biscuit wrote this! What kind of party role is ‘Fluffy Body Pillow’? Why did the Guild even allow you to submit that?! Surely you should have gone with ‘Thief’ or something, right?! This was definitely written by you, and you alone, with absolutely zero consideration towards what she wanted at all! I mean, look at her! Her face is beet red and she clearly wants to run away right now! I don’t even think Biscuit’s physically capable of speaking the words ‘Sexy Dynamite’ without passing out from embarrassment!”

  Biscuit wordlessly takes her card from the man, trying her best to hide the redness of her flushed cheeks behind the dress pulled up over her face.

  “And I guess this next one is...?”

  The next card he holds up reads: F-Rank Adventurer. D-Cup. Protein Princess.

  “Fwah! That’s mine!”

  “Yeah, no shit!” a sarcastic Bran complains, throwing it back to me. “I mean, aside from the fact that there’s some delusional meathead with zero ladylike qualities whatsoever referring to herself as ‘Princess’, why are you including your cup size in the ‘party role’ section?! It’s not even the correct cup size either! I’d say you’re more of a ‘B-cup’ at best, if I’m being generous!”

  Resisting the urge to break one of his ribs again, I poke my tongue out at him instead. “Well, Mom is the Demon Queen, so that makes me a princess whether you say so or not.”

  “That’s... true, I guess. But somehow that fact only annoys me even more!”

  Lastly, Bran holds up his own card. The result of us filling out his registration form without him. His eyes briefly scan over the text engraved upon the metal before—

  “Why?!” He immediately throws it to the ground, sending it clattering across the floorboards.

  Wandering over to pick it up, I read the engraved text on Bran’s card once again.

  G-Rank Adventurer. Loser. Cheery Boy (A-cup).

  “I expected something stupid!” he complains. “But there’s way too much to comment on here! Firstly, why is my rank lower than everybody else’s?! Isn’t ‘F’ the lowest?! I don’t even think ‘G’ is a real rank in the first place! Also, what kind of party role is ‘Loser’?! That’s not an adventuring role! It’s just harassment! And what the hell kind of name is ‘Cherry Boy A-cup’?! Why are you including my cup size?! Why are you including it in parentheses after my adventurer name?!”

  “They said low-ranked adventurers were only allowed to register one party role, so we had to include it there instead.”

  “Don’t include it at all! The name is bad enough already! Which one of you clowns thought it was funny to call me ‘Cherry Boy’?! That’s not a joke any more! The rest I can put up with, but that one is crossing a line!”

  “Fweh...?” I hand the card back over to him. “That one was Biscuit.”

  “It obviously wasn’t! Don’t pin the blame on her!”

  “I mean, I added the cup size, and Mei-Mei called you a loser, but Biscuit came up with the name. She was really proud of it too. I wanted to go with something silly but she argued for something nice instead.”

  “Nice...?”

  “W-well...” a red-faced Biscuit begins, fiddling awkwardly with her nails as she tries to stutter her explanation across. “Bran is always so n-nice to me and cheering me up when I get sad, so I wanted his name to be like a superhero who’s always cheering people up...”

  “What...?” Bran snatches his card from my hand and reads over it again, “O-oh. I see... ‘Cheery’, not ‘Cherry’. Cheery Boy. Like a superhero... I really wish you would've thought about it a bit before— N-no, never mind. Th-thanks, Biscuit. I think..."

  Still clearly feeling somewhat conflicted over his new adventuring card, Bran tucks it away into one of his pockets without any further complaints.

  With all arguments finally coming to an end, and the four of us now freshly inducted as brand new adventurers, we continue our discussion with the guild lady behind the desk. I wanna hurry up and go on an adventure already! I hope she gives us a good one! Close by too! Like Biscuit, I also want to be here when Lust gets back, of course.

  “Thank you for your registration, and welcome to the Adventurers Guild,” she begins. “Now, usually the registration process would’ve included a pre-selected and supervised quest to ensure that your basic survival skills are at an acceptable level and we wouldn’t just be sending you off to your deaths. Unfortunately, however, with the collapse of the Spire, the workload of the guards has been drastically increased, and they’ve had to pass on much of the duties they used to regularly perform to the Adventurers Guild instead. This means we no longer have the resources to give you a proper, supervised induction. Instead, I can only strongly advise you to pick something within your capabilities. Now, let me find some F-Rank requests... Ah, here.”

  Placing a stack of papers on the desk between us, she flips through them to see if there’s anything we’d be interested in. Picking one out, she begins to read off of it.

  “Let’s see... Lust’s rampage in the city has left many injured and the city’s medics are in need of more medicinal herbs. We need you to gather and collect—”

  “Plants? Boring,” I interrupt. “Next one.”

  “Well...” she continues, flipping to a different page. “We need somebody to collect a bark sample from the strange, corpse-eating tree that recently washed up on the shores of Surstro—”

  “Plants are boring, I said! Next!”

  “Okay...” She flips to another page. “The legendary slow loris has apparently left its underground lair. We need somebody to track it to its new location so we can continue to monitor its movements. As new adventurers, it is absolutely critical that you do not attempt to engage it whatsoever. Your only mission is to track down its location and immediately return to—"

  “No fight? No thanks. Next!”

  “Wait, what was—!” Mei-Mei attempts to look atop the desk as the guild lady flips to another quest. Unfortunately, her legs are just a bit too short for that. “Hold on! Go back to that one! What the hell is a slow—?!”

  “Next, next, next!”

  Ignoring the dwarf’s complaints, I force the woman to continue flipping the pages until I eventually find a quest that actually sounds interesting.

  “Ah, I don’t know about this one...” she begins, hovering over one page in particular. “Due to the circumstances of the quest, it’s only technically within your rank. However, we’re currently awaiting approval to have it moved from ‘F-Rank’ to ‘C-Rank’ instead. I really wouldn’t recommend for a group of fresh adventurers to take this one...”

  “Oh...?” Intrigued, I lean in close. “What’s the quest?”

  “Well, a group of female bandits has been—”

  I slam my fist against the desk in excitement.

  “We’ll take it!”