11 — Honesty“He's in love with you, and you're just letting him think he’s always just one more dinner away from finally getting that kiss. It's not fair to him.”
Weeks ter, and hours after yet another private dinner with Johnathan (the fifth in that span of time), Daelus and I were sitting in the parlor of his estate. I had gone through the trouble of de-manifesting from my studio ft and projecting myself there. We needed to talk. I needed to look myself in the eyes and hear the words with my own ears.
Daelus bargained with me. “He's not doing anything he doesn't want to do and has never told me what he's after so I don't see the harm–”
“Daelus, he fully believes that you're just as into him as he is with you. He hasn't said it because he's imagining a fictional version of you that is exactly who he needs. You need to snap him out of it. It's not fair to either of you for this to go on. Fuck. It’s not fair to me. I have to watch.”
“But I enjoy his company. I don't see why–”
“You're misaligned. Out of sync. It's imbanced. He's giving you something that you don't want and you're turning it into something that he doesn't understand. It's not healthy.”
I sighed. Both of me did.
“Ok. I'll tell him I'm just not attracted to men–”
“No, that's true but it's a cop out. Tell him the truth. All of it.”
Okay, not all of it, just the parts about him. Some secrets still needed to be kept. One difficult conversation at a time.
Daelus set his jaw and said it. “I will tell him that even if I was into men I'd still not feel that way about him.”
“Good, now try it without sounding like an asshole.”
We took a deep breath together and tried it again.
“Johnathan, I've thought about how I feel and what I need and I feel tremendous friendship and kinship with you, but I don't yet know what I am searching for in terms of romance or love but I know I haven't found it yet.”
“We'll workshop it,” I said, mulling it over, wondering if we needed to be more direct after all.
The hardest part would be getting Jonathan to actually listen.
