Eliza's Pov

  "You look pale," I said to Ethan.

  "I think I should go now, it's already late," Ethan quickly stood from the bed.

  "You can talk to me about anything, you know that, right?" I said whisperingly.

  "Yeah, I know." He just smiled and left.

  The next day, the entire breakfast time, I was wondering how they could act like it never happened. Maybe he helped with my grandfather, but the mistake he made... How can they take it so lightly?

  After breakfast, I thought of writing something, but I closed my word file and opened an online blog to post this question. If I didn't ask anybody as soon as possible, I would die because of my brain explosion.

  I typed, "Is it fine to act normal when your parents know about a traitor inside the friend circle?" Was this question even meaningful? I hadn't thought of anything and just published it.

  I just lay in my bed for some time. When I opened my laptop again, there was a message from an ID called "traitor." Okay, that's creepy.

  His message: "Maybe he is not in the friend zone."

  What does he mean? I thought for some time and messaged him back.

  "Mean?" I said, just important things, no sidetracked talk.

  Or maybe I'm desperate.

  "Think it out. If you have a brother and the traitor is him, what would you do? Confront him or hide him?" he said.

  I didn't reply to him because I didn't have any questions or answers to that.

  "Eliza," my mom called.

  "Yes, Mom, coming," I said hurriedly and went out.

  "We are going to Penhaligon's house, so be safe..." She continued.

  "Can I come?" I said, cutting her off.

  "Sure, this is the first time you are offering to come," she said in a surprising tone.

  "I will get changed and come," I said and left.

  While I was on the drive, I texted Ethan that I was going to Arthur's. Ethan texted me why. I suddenly realized that I hadn't asked my mom why we were going. I am dumb or what?

  "You know why we are going, right?" Okay, she can read my mind.

  "It's Arthur's wife's birthday," she said, looking back at me.

  I thanked her for not complicating the sentence because if she used her name, I wouldn't get it, maybe. There are so many things I forget. What is Arthur's wife's name anyway?

  My mind was completely filled with the question. When we reached, Arthur received us. He seemed tired. He just smiled at me, and I just stared at him. That's not what I planned to do anyway.

  After we sat on the couch, I didn't know what I should do now. I sat looking at Arthur the entire time. When his wife came with drinks, he just took each and gave them to people. When she knew the people, then the role reversed: he took the tray, and she gave the drinks.

  "What are you thinking about?" he said.

  "Nothing," I said, taking the drink from his hand.

  I wish Ethan were here.

  "Actually, we planned a movie, so I hope..." Arthur said.

  There he goes, cutting a sentence in the middle again.

  "Sure, let's gooo," some guests said loudly. Arthur has more friends than I imagined.

  We went to a room where there were like 30 comfortable seats with a big screen in front. This is the life Arthur was living all this time. Am I jealous? No... maybe because I've never seen him laughing.

  I took second-row seats. There was popcorn next to me; it was almost like a movie hall. I took a selfie to roast Ethan.

  "Why don't you select a movie for us?" Arthur offered.

  "No, it's your wife's birthday. I don't..." I continued.

  "No, it's fine. Actually, I don't watch movies. Please choose for us," she interrupted.

  "Okay," I said, taking a box with CDs from Arthur.

  Ethan and I always watched movies for writing reviews. So, the box was literally filled with movies I had watched. Arthur kept looking at me, maybe he hoped I would select quickly.

  I noticed a CD. This is the story of a guy who steals diamonds from households and his life in therapy and prison, so I gave it to him. He just looked at it and went to play it. I think he hadn't watched it yet. Did I want to hurt him? No. Then why did I do it? I don't know. Maybe I want Arthur to confess to me.

  I didn't expect Arthur's wife to take the seat next to me. As expected, he took the seat next to her. The movie started. My mom and dad's expressions changed. I saw that. I noticed Arthur's tense face when the boy was running to hide from the police. But those things didn't shock me as much as when Arthur's wife grabbed his hand and rubbed it with her thumb. Okay, I understand. Everyone knows about it except me. And everyone is okay with it, and Arthur seems like the victim here. Why did they hide it from me? The entire family knows about it. I felt like I was betrayed by them.

  After some time, Arthur left the room. He bought some popcorn to refill for the guests. I saw missed calls from Ethan. I forgot to check my phone. I went out and took the call.

  "Why did you do that?" he asked. I said I picked the movie for Ethan.

  "I don't know, but I got something from it," I said. I never trick to get something, maybe this is my first time. I feel terrible.

  "What is it?" he asked.

  "Arthur's wife knows all about this," I said to him.

  "So, they seem close always. And she is his wife," he said casually.

  "You know she would know?" I asked, surprised.

  "Yeah, why so shocking?" he said.

  "I mean, I don't know. I always thought it was an arranged marriage, and they cared for each other like it was their duty," I said.

  "What made you think like that? They had a daughter, Eliza. Think logically, they love each other," he said.

  "Yeah, maybe I guessed wrong," I said.

  "You think he loves you?" he asked and went super silent.

  "No, he loves me as a friend," I said, like I was guessing.

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  "Eliza, I want to tell you something. Can we meet? There are only 3 pages we didn't read. When we complete the diary, I want to tell you this," he said.

  "I think I already know that," I said.

  "Today, 7 PM, is it fine? I will meet you at the park near Arthur's house," he said.

  "Okay, I think we should have had our dinner by that time," I said.

  We hung up with "see you." When I went inside, everyone was in their seats, watching the movie seriously. I saw Arthur looking at me. I just ignored him, took a seat, and watched.

  When the movie finished, everyone was talking about the boy's acting. I was about to leave when, as I stood, Arthur's wife collided with me and poured her drink on me. Arthur immediately gave me tissues to clean, and I observed that he didn't even touch me; he gave me the box to grab a tissue from it. His wife offered me to wash and change in her room, so I left and changed into one of her dresses, which was a red dress, nothing shiny, a simple frock with thin straps to hold it. I liked it, but I felt bad about ruining one of Ethan's gift dresses.

  "Can I use your washing machine? Actually, it is one of my favorite dresses. Don't feel bad, it's alright though," I said, stuttering.

  "Don't worry, Arthur already put it in for cleaning," she said, smiling.

  "I noticed there are only blacks, greys, and blues in Arthur's cupboard," I said jokingly.

  "Yeah, he wears clothes that don't stand out," she said without smiling.

  "Yeah," I said and left with her to Mom.

  After we had dinner, I told Mom that I was meeting Ethan and would be back by 8 PM. She said yes, and we were leaving at 9:30, so I had to be back here again.

  When I got out, Arthur was there. I just took the way to the park, ignoring his sight. He waved. Kill me now.

  "I can drop you," he said.

  "No, it's fine, I'm just going to the park," I said.

  "At this time?" he asked.

  "Yeah, I'm meeting Ethan," I said, smiling.

  He didn't reply, just nodding. It feels like I'm doing a crime.

  I startled when he grabbed me. I heard the bike noise. It was Ethan. I told him I would come, why did he...?

  "Whatever your answer is, I'm fine with that," he said, leaving his grip.

  "What do you mean?" I asked.

  He looked at Ethan and stood there for his reply, but he didn't speak, and I said, "See you." I rushed to Ethan.

  I sat back on the bike. Ethan started the engine and drove towards Arthur. What is he doing? I whispered to him that the park was on the other side, but he drove us to Arthur.

  "My answer is no," Ethan said.

  "What are you guys talking about?" I asked.

  No reply. I'm gonna lose my shit here.

  Ethan took us to the park.

  "What was that about?" I asked Ethan.

  "Just playing along," he said.

  He didn't laugh. I think it is something serious I have to find out.

  When we reached, I ran and took the swing. The most favorite moment today is this. Ethan took the swing next to me. He handed me the diary.

  "Why don't we sit on the bench?" I said, we can't read while swinging.

  "No, I don't want to read. Read it yourself today and share your thoughts with me," he said.

  "What are you on about? Anyway, fine, it's just 3 pages," I said, mocking. He didn't come with me, and I took the bench and started reading.

  Arthur's Dairy

  Feeling ashamed and unwanted is not a new feeling for me. After the incident, Eliza is gone from my life. I am gone from my life. I started hiding from people, nature, positive things, morality, love, happiness, God, crying, and money.

  People say money can buy anything. I can give money to people and see their happiness, but I feel nothing like them. It feels like I've evaporated, and my feelings too.

  Forgive me. Forgive everyone. I thought if I confessed, I wouldn't have these negative feelings, and I could move forward as I am. But their forgiveness didn't change anything. Hawthorne's family forgave me and wants me out of my misery. My mom wishes to see me as myself every day. My wife supports me after all this fuss in my life. They can forgive me. Why can't I forgive myself? It's torturing me. Living in this world felt like the proper way, but a spark enlightened me: the feeling of love. Eliza.

  When I see Eliza, I feel I can survive, just by looking at her from afar. She does what she wants, she is who she is. She knows what she is. She can ground me when I'm confused and wandering. My wife easily understands my feelings for Eliza. I confessed that I love her more than anyone in this world. She didn't even blink; she just said,

  "I was nothing before, I'm something now after your money, your job. Everybody in their life has this phase. I didn't achieve anything; I supported myself financially for two years, and I'm not independent either. I begged money from some people. I stole. I'm ashamed sometimes, but not completely. I can understand you, but not completely. I never wished for a promised love or money. But I got a family who can give me both. I'm scared. Even now, you are saying you love someone else. I'm not sad, I'm just scared to be left out. Even if I wished now, maybe God would never give it to me. I'm sorry for sounding so miserable. I hope you feel grateful. Where you stole, people love you; even God loves you. You are not miserably poor nor begged anyone for money. You got everything when you were miserable. You just have to stop asking for forgiveness, then everything will stop. Let people think what you were, what you have done, a bad person is what you are; don't force it to change. Don't force to change the past thoughts of people on you. It's fine for me. If people are thinking I'm a gold digger, married a man for sex, just obeying a duty here, I'm fine with everything because I have done some miserable things. I'm suffering with their voices, but that doesn't mean I have to suffer to change the voices. I can live with them thinking I'm bad for a certain time of my life."

  She talked to me like that for the entire night, and we fell asleep next to each other for the first time. I didn't feel anything; I know I cried without even thinking about it. But for the first time in that room, I didn't feel nothing.

  She is slowly becoming my family; I can see that. After Hawthorne's said they are like my family, I was scared to keep up with that. But now I think I'm living with it. They forgave me, not that I'm thinking they know my story; it stays with them forever. I have to live with it, but not in misery, but by proving I know the mistake I have done. I'm living with it, like my wife.

  As time passed, she asked me about my feelings towards Eliza. I got confused. She said she would figure it out; I don't understand. She asked some questions, and the answers came out automatically without me even thinking about them.

  "Do you love or like Eliza?" she asked.

  "I love her so much," I said.

  "Did you ever think of hurting someone when she got hurt?" she asked.

  "I want to hurt them like hell," I said.

  She just looked at me and asked again,

  "Have you... ever thought of kissing her?" she asked slowly.

  "Do you want to ask me if I am sexually interested in her?" I asked.

  "So?" she asked.

  "Yes," I said. She is the first one I said that to. Every time I said I love Eliza, I always tried to sound like friends. Until now, I did that. Every time. But now I said it like it is.

  She is shocked; I think she thought it like others.

  "Are you..." she said, thinking something.

  "You don't like or attracted to me?" she asked.

  That made me choke. I didn't expect her to say this.

  "Yes," I said. I didn't say sorry, nor did I intend to.

  "Can we just have a test tube baby, or can I just give birth by sperm donation?" she said.

  "What the..." I replied without thinking. Is she serious or mocking our relationship?

  "I know you are going to Australia after six years. Your mom said it, and you want to be alone without any responsibilities. So she asked me whatever the changes, can I take it. This happened before marrying you, and I said yes. Your mom knows you love Eliza, Arthur. She knows everything about you. She is trying to make you feel out of your miserable life. This decision about a child I made by myself. I want a little one, mine, in this house whom I can love and care for even when you are not here sometimes. I know... I'm asking for more... in this... situation," she continued.

  "We can do that," I said. We just nodded like we are okay with everything we are doing, but we are not.

  I don't know whether I'm messing up her life or correcting it. But she wants it, I'll do it. For forgiveness, I don't know whatever the changes I made, I hope she didn't suffer from it. No, I'll make sure she doesn't suffer, like I did for Eliza. I left her life, and things are better, not very good now. I have a perfect family in others' view. Nice wealth. Good job. What anyone would even want. But I'm still tearing up. Why?

  After a long time, I saw Eliza again when my daughter was born. It's like she is already giving me a gift immediately after she was born. Eliza seems to have lost weight. After her love confession for Ethan, I'm trying to stop my feelings for her, but I haven't succeeded.

  I want to ask her: she can bring me back to myself. Can you please stay with me?

  But I can't bring myself to after watching Ethan. Ethan is perfect for her. He knows her so well than me. He knows how comfortable she feels when he holds her hand. He knows she avoids people if she is not confident. He knows she can never scold people; she just lashes out some words and runs away. He knows I'm stupid to give her up.

  I love you, Eliza. I don't ask you to choose me. I never ask you to choose me. I'm leaving. If I ask you to never think of me as a person in your life, can you do that? Forget about me. I hope you never hear your mom rambling about me after I leave.

  Can you answer me?

  You will never think of me.

  "Ethan knows we are reading the diary," I said loudly so he could hear me.

  He came near me, appearing neither shocked nor surprised. "And?" he asked.

  "You read it before me, didn't you? The last part?" I asked.

  "Yeah. Sorry. What's your answer, Eliza?" he said seriously.

  I just looked at the sky. Should I have to answer it to Ethan? Yes, he is my first priority. Then what is my answer?

  "No. I will think of him. But," I stuttered.

  "But what, Eliza?" he asked.

  "You know, right? I'm in love with you," I said. I was about to cry if he just ended this conversation and hugged me.

  As I was thinking, he came close and hugged me. I didn't expect it, but we said the same sentence at the same time:

  "I DON'T WANT HIM TO LIVE LIFE LIKE THIS."

  We stared at each other. We knew what we were thinking.

  The man who is perfect, a family man, wealthy—all of it goes into one word after reading his diary. He is the family we want to protect. He is the person we have cherished most all these days through his diary. His pain. His patience. His guilt. His selflessness.

  We want him back. Like the Arthur we used to know.

  Is it possible?

  "LET'S DATE ARTHUR," I said.

  "Should I transform my sex?" he joked.

  Continues....