January 2016

  Marianne enters the lab. She fakes a smile and greets everyone. She asks for details on the work of the machine and wishes them to continue testing on the specimen. It’s late in the evening, everyone has left already. Aymee knocks on her door.

  “Marianne, what’s wrong?” Aymee sits next to her.

  “Even without reading my mind, you always know that something is up, don’t you?” Marianne looks at her and smiles.

  “Always. Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Can’t you just erase the memories? Erase the pain?” Marianne’s eyes glow. “If I had your ability, I would.”

  “It’s tempting to do that. Some people do. Some pay others to do it to them. It doesn’t work, really. You can erase the memories, but not the feelings. It’s impossible.”

  “Have you tried?”

  “I have.” Aymee’s voice breaks momentarily, and Marianne holds her hand. “What’s wrong?”

  “Sofie… is acting out. She painted her hair black. I think she hates me sometimes.”

  “I’m sure she doesn’t. She’s a teenager, which is hard on everyone, but she lost her father, her sister died… especially under those circumstances. It would be strange if she wasn’t acting out.”

  “She refuses to speak Norwegian. She painted her hair black. She’s erasing me.” Marianne sniffles. “Bit by bit. And in the process… I’m disappearing. I have no one to talk in Norwegian anymore. I wasn’t the most social kid, no friends from Troms?, my parents are gone, I just studied at university and then moved here with Erik. He’s dead. Sofie won’t talk. I’m losing my native tongue day by day. Losing myself.” Marianne cries and wipes the tears with her sleeves. “God, I’m such an emotional mess…”

  Aymee grabs a tissue and helps clean her face.

  “I’m glad that no one else is around.” Marianne laughs. “I have my reputation to keep.”

  “Which is?”

  “Don’t play dumb. I know you know it, Aymee. Why do they call me that? Is it because I’m from Norway?”

  “Let it go, Marianne.” Aymee looks away.

  “Tell me.”

  “No.”

  “Then tell me this. Do you think that about me? That I’m an Ice Queen?” Marianne’s tears are finally dry.

  “You can be cold, Marianne. But I’ve also seen how you treat the children whenever they are playing. You read them stories. I’m sure the Angel of Death was well treated. Loved by you.”

  Marianne starts crying again. Softly. Not making any sound. I loved her.

  “I’m sorry that she died, Marianne.”

  “I’m not sure if I am. She would’ve been almost 19, now. But what life could she have? Ever since they laid their eyes on her, all they saw was a war machine. Sometimes I look back, back to that first day, when I first saw her, and I wonder if I should’ve let them put her down. If considering everything that came after, if that would’ve been the kindest thing I could’ve done for her. Her biological parents they told her she was nothing but death. When she stayed with us, I made sure to relentlessly tell her that she wasn’t. I gave her love only to take it from her after.”

  “What happened on that day wasn’t your fault.”

  “It was-” Marianne’s voice breaks. “She did that to the Aristons, because I told her that they killed Erik. I thought she would just destroy some things. But her anger overcame her. She died thinking that she was avenging her father. On that day, I stopped my car by some bridge and almost threw it into the river… I thought it was the best for everyone. But…” Marianne looks away.

  Aymee reaches for her hand. “Sofie needed you. Needs you.”

  Marianne squeezes Aymee’s hand tighter before letting it go. “Now,” she wipes the tears from her face, “you see how I’m such a terrible person, don’t you? Truly an Ice Queen. It’s okay. I hate myself. You can hate me, too.”

  “I could never hate you.” Aymee smiles.

  Marianne turns her face away and smiles.

  ***

  December 2017

  Marianne is working early in her office at the campus when Aymee knocks and comes inside.

  “Brought you a coffee and a slice of apple cake,” Aymee says in Norwegian and puts it in front of her.

  “How did you guess that I hadn’t had breakfast yet?” Marianne responds in Norwegian too.

  “With everything that happened yesterday, I’m not even sure if you had dinner.” Aymee sits and sips her latte. “How are you?” She switches to English.

  “I haven’t had time to process it, really.” Marianne says in Norwegian. “I saw the video, but right away, I had to meet Edward and Laurence… then I met Sofie. It was a disaster. I barely slept. I’m looking terrible.”

  “Never.” Aymee smiles.

  “You are a terrible liar, Aymee.” Marianne smiles back. “I don’t understand. I saw her dying on that day. She’s alive now. How?”

  “Do you wish to see her again?”

  “No. That’s too much for the both of us.”

  “You are a terrible liar, Dr. Olsen.” Aymee smiles at her.

  ***

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  April 2018

  Aymee and Marianne walk out of Saif’s floor. They enter the elevator. The door opens on their floor. No one else is around.

  “Did you read her mind?” Marianne asks in Norwegian.

  “I’m not saying a word…” Aymee replies in English.

  “What did you find out?” Marianne pinches Aymee and laughs. “Tell me, please, Aymee.”

  “Who do you think I am? I don’t read minds and tell.” Aymee winks at her. “I didn’t read her. She seems…” Aymee sighs loudly. “Sweet?”

  “Mmm, I understand what you mean. Sweet.” Marianne rolls her eyes, “that’s one way to put it. She’s pretty. Not sure if she’s interested, you could try. You can have anyone that you want.”

  “No, I can’t.” Aymee shakes her head.

  “I’m sure you can.”

  “Because of my money?” Aymee asks in Norwegian.

  “Your money is the least interesting thing about you, Aymee Ortiz.” Marianne turns around and heads to her office.

  One week later, Marianne heads to Saif’s floor. She forgot her papers there. It’s late in the evening. Inside the advisor's office, she notices that the light is on. She opens the door. Padma and two other men are having sex.

  “Dr. Olsen.” One of them says. “We can explain.”

  “You are adults. Do whatever the hell you want with your time. Just out of here.” Marianne notices that the girl is electric. Drugs, probably.

  Marianne grabs her file and heads to her office. She searches Padma and reads her file. Jesus. She’s a deviant. Her side effects…

  On the next day, it’s just her and Aymee in her office.

  “Saif’s new girl… yesterday I caught her and two of his analysts having sex. I read her file. Her ability is self-preservation. The side effects from it include manic episodes.”

  “Do you think they took advantage of her?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Aymee leaves the room. She comes back later in the day.

  “Where were you all day?”

  “Getting rid of those two. They knew about the side effects and used them to their benefit. They are gone now.”

  “You killed them?”

  “Jesus, Marianne!”

  “What?” Marianne laughs, “I wouldn’t put it past you!”

  Aymee laughs too. “Did Sofie get into the degree she wanted?

  “Yes, she did. I still wish she had just went to Norway instead.”

  “She’s stubborn. I wonder who she takes it after.” Aymee winks.

  “Please! Like you could talk about anyone else. You’re such a piece of work.” Marianne laughs.

  ***

  February 2020

  Marianne and Aymee are having dinner at a small town restaurant. They had work to do away from the capital during that week. It’s snowing outside.

  “Saif decided that Padma is his new advisor.” Marianne says in Norwegian. “What do you think about that?” She switches to English.

  “The girl doesn’t fit there.”

  “Are you jealous of her? Don’t worry, you are still the prettiest girl there.” Marianne looks away.

  “Come on. Seriously, Marianne. Everyone there is on some top list. They all hang out at the same country clubs and vacation in the same places.”

  “You don’t. Except the top list thing. Maybe you can be there for her, Aymee.”

  “Do you miss Norway? Does the snow remind you of it? The mountains here?”

  “Yes to all. I wish I could go.”

  “So, let’s go. Tomorrow. Let’s go. You and me.”

  “I take it back. That easiness around money. You do belong there, after all.” Marianne shakes her head.

  “I mean it, Marianne. Say yes.”

  “Is that an order?” Marianne smiles.

  “I’d never order you.”

  “I’ll say yes under one condition. Only if it’s to celebrate your PhD! You were absolutely brilliant, Dr. Ortiz. Brilliant.”

  “I don’t have a PhD, though. Alba has it.”

  “Just take the compliment…”

  “Thank you.” Her eyes look outside the window. “That means a lot coming from you. I think working together has made me a better academic…” Better person, too.

  “No, I read your papers before meeting me. It’s all you.”

  “One day, Marianne, you’ll finally admit that… you and I, we bring out the best in one another.” Aymee winks at her.

  Marianne refuses to fly on business class. Instead, she forces Aymee to experience a transatlantic flight in economy. To her surprise, the girl enjoys every second of it. Never complaining, watching in marvel each second. Even the most boring ones. As it turns out, Aymee hadn’t had a vacation since she moved to the United States. She either visited her grandparents in Mexico while they were still alive, took care of her family business across the states, worked at the university and worked at the factory. Leisure wasn’t something in her vocabulary.

  When was the last time that Marianne took a break, too? She wonders now. Never, probably. Guilt overcomes her. Sofie is studying, living by herself. She won’t even notice her mother is gone. Two weeks without any burden. Any responsibility.

  Aymee took care of everything. The only thing that Marianne asked was for them not to visit Marianne’s hometown. There’s nothing left there. Instead, they landed in Lofoten. Marianne commented on how much she wanted to visit the archipelago. That comment was years before. Still, Aymee remembered.

  “Do you see your old memories from time to time? Is that how you remembered?” Marianne asks when they land.

  “No, I have an application on my phone. I write down important details about important people.” Aymee smiles.

  One week later, they go chasing northern lights. Marianne hasn’t seen them since she moved away. Aymee has never seen them before. They are inside the car. Waiting. The forecast says they’ll show up tonight.

  “It’s curious the side effects that mental controllers have, isn’t it?” Marianne switches between Norwegian and English.

  “Normal to me. What do you mean?”

  “You read other people’s mind. See their most intimate thoughts. Understand their pain. Still, your side effects are turning uncaring, numbness… what else?”

  “Manipulative, too.”

  “It’s curious how the side effects can be so extreme.”

  “There’s nothing empathic about erasing memories or controlling other people. Nothing. If you ask me, the punishment fits the crime.”

  “I never took you for one of those self-hating deviants.”

  “Most of the time, I’m not. Other times it’s hard not to. There’s so much shame associated with being a deviant. Especially in the States.”

  “Especially because you have the privilege of living a double life. If you were only a deviant, maybe you’d be used to.”

  “Back in Mexico, I studied at an international school. Bunch of privileged kids. Even though I was one, I never was... really one. They saw me as a deviant always. My billions never shielded me from that. I only had one friend there.” Aymee keeps her gaze focused on the view.

  “One is enough.”

  “You don’t think that when you are a child and see that the other kids only show up to your party because of your parents. I only missed my grandparents when I moved away. I was so eager to leave. To be someone else. I graduated when I was 16. At least as Alba, I thought, I would be human.” Aymee smiles. “How naive.”

  Marianne holds her fist tight.

  “During undergrad and grad school, with the war going on, people around me were incredibly outspoken about deviants. How much they hated them. I would hear my supposedly friends say the most awful things. I think I spent my first year in university crying in the shower almost every day. Eventually, I just grew numb to it.” Aymee notices Marianne’s closed fist.

  Marianne opens her hand and rests it on Aymee’s leg.

  “It’s hard not to think badly about yourself when it’s all you hear. I moved to Eurasia to write my dissertation. I think I told you already. I moved to Spain. The same sentiments echoed there. Just not as vocal. Now, during the PhD, there was no war anymore. Still, the opinions are the same as before. It’s just not acceptable to say it out loud.”

  Marianne reaches for Aymee’s hand and holds it tight. The first northern light shows up and they go outside. Aymee’s jaw is on the floor. She’s smiling wider than Marianne has ever seen her do before. Marianne focuses on the girl instead of watching the lights.

  I’m falling in love. Perhaps I’ve fallen already and am just too much of a coward to admit it.

  They drive back to the cabin. Aymee raves about the northern lights and how she’s happy that she left her phone in the car. That her memories of it will be much more precious than some photo. That she has better photos from their trip, taken with a cheap polaroid instant camera. Photos of Marianne. Of the mountains. The landscapes.

  Aymee is heading to her room when Marianne puts herself in front of her.

  “What would you do, Aymee, if you were completely fearless?”

  “I’d leave the work at the factory. I hate it there. I just can’t face my parents and disappoint them.”

  Marianne’s smile slowly disappears.

  “Also… I’d call off my wedding.”

  Marianne takes a few steps back. “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone. Let alone that you are engaged to be married. Congratulations.” Her tone remains serene.

  “I’m not in a relationship. Santiago, my only friend, can’t be with who he wants to be. His parents keep pressuring him. It’s easier for everyone if we just get married.”

  “Are you in love with him?”

  “Marianne, marrying for love isn’t an option for me. I do love him. Not like that. This is beneficial. My life won’t change dramatically because of it.”

  “Mmm, won’t change dramatically… so, what? You’ll have his children if that what his or your parents want?”

  “Don’t.” Aymee shakes her head and heads to her room. She closes the door behind her.

  Marianne sits on her bed. Seeing the photos Aymee gave her. The smile on her face, one she hadn’t had for years. You can’t say anything now.